I'm Sorry.

My weekend didn't really end after being so pumped with Broken Cat Dream and their fucking amazing performance.  I only got 3 hours sleep from all the excitement!!!!!!!

Wow!

Learn an instrument Friday night and perform an original song they've written 2 days later.

How many of us would do that?  Insanely brave.

I know Papi wouldn't do it.

He says that's his worst nightmare, and occasionally, he actually has that nightmare.

He'll dream that I can't perform and he has to take over for me.

To my love, this is fear.

To me, fear is confronting my mistakes and fixing them, with the impending doom that hovers over me.

I'm always too afraid to tell people how much they've hurt me, because I didn't have that opportunity to practise as a child.

I'm afraid that people won't care if I tell them how I feel, and they'll just tell me to fuck off, because to me, when they hurt me, it's because I'm just not good enough to be in their life.

Speaking of which, I apologized to my mother yesterday.

We spoke about the fact that if she's not honest with me, then I can't be honest with her.

I told her every single little feeling I had.

From feeling that she's never been proud of me, to feeling that she won't see me because Mr. Homophobia tells her not to.

Feelings that she doesn't call because she doesn't really like me all that much, and that it hurts that she calls my sister every day.

These are the thoughts that come into my head when I am not honest about my feelings.

That's really all thanks to my 'father' who really is a glorified sperm donor.  Goddam, he really fucked me up good from ditching his family for drugs.  I'm seeing this now.

My mother has never been able to be open about her feelings and I told her I need that if I'm going to have a relationship with her.

So.

I gave her an apology card.  On the front it had a cute cartoon bunny that had her head hanging in shame.

The caption read, "I fucked up."

My mom laughed and opened her eyes really wide when she said, "YES!  You DID!"

I smiled, knowing that such is my life.  I screw up all over the fucking place, because I didn't have the opportunity to learn from parents.

My mother was a child when she got pregnant with me.  My mother, my baby sister and I, we all grew up together.  Three kids in one house.

There was no room for my mom to learn communication, because her mom didn't communicate either.  Her mother emotionally ditched her when she got pregnant with me.

I've decided, that I will be my mother's surrogate big sister.

She really needs that.  Well, actually, we both need that.

I'm going to be honest about my feelings from now on, and then that way, my side of the street is cleaned up.

Papi asked me if perhaps, this will open the door for me to tell the 'mean girls' how much they hurt me, and in turn they can tell me why they did what they did.

Not bloody likely.

I have other messes to clean up.

I'll stick to cleaning up my side of the street.  There's enough to do here.

for the most part, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.  follow your own truth.

Broken Cat Dream

So, there I was, enjoying my coaching for Ladies Rock Camp.

Seriously. 

Really, really enjoying my coaching.  I feel like Momma Bear helping her cubs.

They are amazing!!!!!

I can't wait to see them perform their song for an audience!!!  The audience is going to love them!  The buzz of energy within them reminds me of why I enjoyed music so much from the beginning.

As we become professional, sometimes, we think too much about what we're doing.

I saw that I can calm down a bit and just enjoy myself.  I don't need to worry about being the best.

All I need is emotion.

... lord knows i have enough of that to spare ...

Anyway, as the gregarious singer sang this one line, "You're just a fucking man!!!!" I giggled at the voice emoting the angst that so many women feel.

Yes, this line was sung with the most feeling.

It was a bit silly and angry, yet bonding with the strength of super glue for all the band to sing along to.

A short while later, it was time for quiet practise.

We left the dark, dank bar to the outside picnic table to hash out formula and lyrics, and I immediately had thoughts of what I started to deal with recently.

You see, right beside us, there were about 10 men building a skateboard ramp.  While it was pretty cool to see their creation, I was grateful I wasn't a young, 20-something, pretty, young girl alone amongst them.

I have been thinking about things I avoid because of fear, anxiety or P.T.S.D.  One thing I avoid?  Being around a group of strangers, who happen to be bio-males.

I won't go into details as to why, but being a girl, I am sure you can figure it out.

Well, here was my band, outside and oblivious to the men beside us, growling 'You're just a fucking man!!!'

I started laughing and they really didn't get the punch line, until I commented, "Seriously.  I can't even tell you what this means for me right now.  You have no idea how this is making me feel."

Ladies Rock Camp is about empowering women.

If there was a woman who needs reminding of empowerment, it's me.

I'm always looking for more strength in this world that seems to be a man's world for so many of us.

Not today.

These girls reminded me that we have so much power.

We can sing together and enjoy ourselves.

These women really made my heart feel elation.

They made me part of their journey of music.

They made me feel like I was a big part of their experience.

Really, they don't get that they did everything on their own.

All I did was lead them there a little faster with my experience.

They did it all.

Never having picked up an instrument, they started Friday afternoon to learn their chops and wrote their own song that they will be performing today.

This.  This is worth my time this weekend.

This has made me see the power of music and the simple, pure joy it brings us.

Oh!  The name of the band I'm coaching?

Broken Cat Dream.

Very serious.

Very, very serious band.

... taking my tongue out of my cheek now ...

we are only limited by our own imagination.  let it fly!

so. much. fun.

This is a crazy weekend!

I'm having so much fun at the Ladies Rock Camp.

My band is so awesome!  They are eager go getters that want to do more, more, MORE!!!

I would love to tell you more, but I have to go run to get ready for the 'short bus'.

Hey!

They picked me up twice in a row now!

How's that for a good, happy feeling!?

Oh.  I didn't say anything stupid that I know of hehehe ...

today's mantra from my MC Guru:

what you believe about yourself is what you project to other people, and that is what others then believe about you. ~ Don Miguel Ruiz

Well, THAT was an interesting 24 hours

I understand more today.

I had a really emotional day yesterday, with getting my psych evaluation for the insurance company.

Remember?

After flying 15 feet through the air and landing on my head from being hit on my motorcycle, they honestly believe I'm imagining all the pain I feel in my back.

Yeah, people tumble over the hood of a car that hit them when they were going 50 km all the time and never feel pain.

... end sarcasm here ...

Anyway, I found out more about myself.

I am indeed that strong person people have tried to convince me I am.

I have overcome so much in my life, and the motorcycle accident is only a small part of the 'so much' I've overcome since being a child.

I also learned that I have to be even more careful about humans.

Only a half hour after the long day of reciting my life's events that caused me trauma, my mother called.

She proceeded to tell me that a certain person I opened up to, went running back to her to tell her how upset I was about the Easter dinner I was excluded from.

She told my mother every mean thing I said in hurt.

I said some mean things, because sometimes, it feels better to get angry than to cry non-fucking-stop.

I have an apology to make to my mother.  My intention was never to hurt her, but I was hurt so bad, I lashed out here on my blog.

This person not only repeated the things in my blog, but she also prodded more information out of me in a private email so she could gather more information from me to share with my mother.

I've taken this person off my Facebook 'friends' list.

I'm learning that it's not always good to give everybody the benefit of the doubt.

It's sad, but I'm learning to be more guarded.  One more person to add to the 'don't trust' list.

... by the way, if 'you' are reading this, i don't care for any contact from you, thank you very much ...

She is included amongst the deluge of people who cannot be trusted in this world.

My trust is broken so often, yet it's also built by good choices in good people as well.

Today, I awoke to a beautiful email, where I was asked to be someone's person.

I'm privileged, honoured, and my heart is filled with beauty, knowing that this person I love so much, and has helped me more than she could ever know, would trust me to be her person.

Then, as writing this, I realized that Papi comes home at 1 a.m. today!!!

God, this has been the longest fucking week in history and it's not over yet.

I have to go through the stress of meeting a whole bunch of new people today.

I am so nervous around new people that my stomach turns.  When I get nervous, I say stupid things.

I'm not looking forward to saying stupid things.

However, I am going to be looked up to for musical advise.

I'm being a coach for Ladies Rock Camp.  All weekend I'll be hanging out with women who want to create and play a song, and some of them have never played an instrument before!

I'm so impressed with their desire to play music.

Still, I'm nervous about being 'liked'.

My whole life, I've been nervous about being 'liked'.

I'm learning that this has to stop as well.

I'm learning that not everyone is going to like me, just like I don't have to like everyone else.

Especially those who hurt me intentionally.

we can learn great things from our mistakes, when we're not too busy denying them