the calm is coming ...

Do you get hay fever?

I had hay fever every Spring for years.

Then, one day, it seemed to calm down.

Well, here we are in another part of the world and the equivalent of Spring is now.

In Autumn.

And the pollen is different.

I'm sneezing so much, that sometimes, I have to fight to catch my breath.

I thought that the ocean spray ruined all our flowers, but we had flowers start coming in when the really bad heat wave finally subsided.

Flowers are in bloom and so is my nose.

Full, red and shiny.

Looking around at the beautiful land flourishing here, I realize that I really like the country.

I love the chickens, cows, goats, horses, donkeys, and the abundance of dogs.

Oh then there's the great big pig that I had to wait to cross the road yesterday so that I could drive out of the little road of our village.

They were herding him with a branch.

He was not impressed.

Eventually he walked past me with his snout raised high, smelling the scent of my dogs on my car tires.

I love living in the country.

It's beautiful.

The air is clean.

Well, with the exception of too many cows in one lot of land.  Then it's a bit funky.

But they still bring a great smile to my face.

I did grow up in Vancouver, when Vancouver had the spacial feel of the country.

Until the 80's when things boomed.

Then we lost the Vancouver I loved.

At first, I thought it would be good for this country's people if it had that kind of financial boom, but I don't any more.

It's lovely the way it is.

Cows and all.

Space between neighbours, so that I can play my piano, croon and not worry about anyone hearing me.

When I was in Vancouver, I was always so worried about people hearing my voice, judging me and saying I suck and banging on the wall to tell me to shut the fuck up.

Rats in a cage.

Here?

I can sing as loud as I want and even Papi can't hear me when he's upstairs.

Bliss.

Play.

Sing.

Freedom.

I realized today, while speaking to Jersey Girl, that the battle Papi and I have fought for quite some time to be here, is coming to an end.

We're worse for wear, me the Limping Lesbian and Papi with his new concussion he's donning.

Oh, I didn't tell you about that, did I?

'Someone' took the drinking experiment a tad too far, fell, hit his head and has been recovering from a concussion for the past week.

I guess we all have our experiments.

Anyway, only now, after 10 months, finally making friends, and playing my music to my heart's desire, am I finally seeing that this is the romantic part of the life I wanted.

It's coming.

We're almost out of battle.

We have the trophy of scars.

i am redefining what is important to me

naked.

Favourite top, eaten.

Razor, chewed upon.

Holes, dug.

I put chicken wire down on their favourite digging zones to dissuade them, after getting so angry at them for ruining a top I'd worn only twice, not to mention, everything else they got into yesterday.

None-the-less, we prepared for a walk down the beach.

But then the issue happened; Sir Bark-A-Lot got his little toe twisted and stuck in the wire.

He ripped his toenail right out of his toe!

Blood!  Screaming!  Papi and I panicking!

We cleaned him up and left him behind to lick his wound, while we took the rest of the cretin for their run about.

Jersey Girl saw me and invited me for a visit afterward.

Sounded like a great idea!  I needed to just not be around all the animals for a little while.

Upon returning from our little visit of chit-chat, I was full of sand from walking on the beach, and dogs jumping all over me.

I tried to run a shower.  No fucking water.

No problem.  We have a pool and I'll just dip myself in there and rinse all the sand off.

A quick skinny dip.

I mean, I didn't want to get my hair wet or anything.  Just a dip.

I brought my towel, and in all my nakedness, looked at the gate in front.

Seems the coast was clear.

I can run to the pool without anyone seeing me and once I'm in, we're high enough that anyone walking by won't see me in my birthday suit.

I got in and sat on the stair, and began to pool bathe.

Then I heard it.

The Guards next door were up on their wall peering in at me with no clothes on, excited about their show!

I immediately shrunk into the water and tried to hide what I could.

Fine.  The rest of their show would only be a view of my bare ass.  That's all.

I called to Papi, asking for help, or even suggestions as to how to escape this dilemma.

Neither of us wanted to say anything.

Papi didn't want to, because they have machine guns.

I didn't want to, because I didn't want it to turn into a game for them, prompting them to believe I was naked just for them.

I wanted to tell them to turn around while I got out, but thought they would just laugh at me, thinking I was playing around.

I was only grateful that the pool light wasn't on for them to see every little bit I've got!

As the sun sank further, I waited for them to lose interest, all the while, I hadn't moved from that spot.

They must get bored at some point if I wasn't going to give them a show, right?!?!

The moment they looked away, I grabbed my towel, jumped out and ran inside.

Only problem is, for someone with P.T.S.D., it will now create a fear of always thinking I have stalkers again.

I will be constantly looking out doors and windows to see if men are staring in, looking for another show.

Fuck!

Not to mention, I have to drive past them every day on my way to teach.

I suppose those tinted windows will come in handy for a little while, as I calm down from the fear of 'worst case scenario' looping in my mind.

I don't want to encourage anyone.  There are enough people getting raped here without the incentive of being in a pool naked.

When I got up this morning, I heard the dogs barking off the balcony.  Sure enough, I looked out to see them watching our yard again for another show.

Looks like I'll have work to do with my P.T.S.D.

there is a great reason that this is unfolding before me now

happy anniversary my love

There's supposed to be a tropical storm that could turn into a hurricane.

No, not Hurricane Andréa.

I'm doing fine for a change.

An ACTUAL tropical storm.

Papi has been talking about it for the last week and I just keep rolling my eyes and pooh-pooh-ing him when he mentions it.

One of the perks of living on the North Coast, is we don't get hit by many of the storms.

So, I just keep giggling at him and smiling when he goes on about it.

Then, Jersey Girl wrote me an email giving me all kinds of tips on how to stay safe during the storm that is supposed to hit.

Well, she's been here for a while, so yeah, I'll listen to her.

We scrambled about, bringing in anything that could fly around and take out Pathetic Puppy's other eye,  closed the all the windows, then went to bed.

I got up this morning to a beautiful day.

Sun shining, waves calm, and then with no warning, it all went away and the rain started.

That's one thing that makes me feel at home here.

It's just like Vancouver in the sense that if you don't like the weather, wait 10 minutes and it will turn on a dime.

Only the rain here in the Dominican Republic puts Vancouver to shame, making Vancouver's rain seem like just a spit compared our monsoons.

Anyway, the thunder is rolling in and I love it!

But it meant that I had to come in from the outdoors.

I came in to find a chicken scratch note from my love.

Pathetic Puppy was at it again last night, only in an activity that could have killed her.

The tumultuous cane toad.

She was playing with it.

It could have killed her with it's defence mechanism of spewing poison.

So, my love had to give the baby a poison kit.

Having a gut of steel, this dog can take anything.

She seriously is from hell.

She's a bit like me.

You can't kill me, or her.

In Papi's note, he mentioned it's under a dog bowl by the pool.

Dominican Daddy is here doing his fancy yard work and I told him about the problem, but obviously not knowing the word for 'toad' in Spanish.

So, first thing in the morning, there I was doing charades.

He laughed, then merely lifted the dog bowl Papi had trapped it under and threw it into the ocean, shaking his head at the silly gringa.

We are so not used to this world.

One day, it will be second nature and I'll be tossing out the cane toad without a blink, ready for any tropical storm that threatens us and nobody will laugh at our dramatic ways, because we'll be relaxed.

One day.

Today is not that day.

As I watch the storm roll in, and Dominican Daddy work his magic in the yard, I'm still amazed that we are here.

We're actually here.

And today?

Today is our anniversary.

We were not ready for it, so next weekend we'll be celebrating.

We're going to go see a part of the island that had us dizzy in circles once.

This time, we're going to google it and get there and back without a problem.

We're actually going to have a mini-holiday and see this fine island that is now home.

Happy anniversary, baby.

We did it.

We really, really did it.

my friends do not judge me, nor do they influence what i do with my life

butterflies

... your sunday sillies youtube show ...

I couldn't figure out why my tummy was rumbling with butterflies and I was irritable, then depressed, then angry all in a matter of an hour.

Then it dawned on me.

I've not been thinking about Mr. Lumpy, because I allowed myself to just go with it being a cyst like everyone said.

However, I did keep my 2nd opinion appointment, just to be sure.

I was going to cancel it until Jersey Girl told me not to mess around and get a 2nd opinion, considering the treatment she got at the same hospital.

So, tomorrow I won't be here to write to you, as Papi and I will be en route to the capitol 3 hours away.

It occurred to me that once that appointment neared, I got a little scared.

Even though I thought it was a cyst for a month, knowing I'm going in for tests makes me queasy and cranky.

I checked on Mr. Lumpy to see how he was doing, and it seems he's decided to get a little bigger.

No matter.

Cysts grow.

Then last night, I was lying in a different position and gave him a grope.

I just about puked.  There are 3 lumps now.

Do cysts do that?

Grown in clusters on a lymph node?

I'm going with that.

They grow in clusters.

Not to mention, even if it is only a cyst, that bastard has to get a move on, because it's starting to show on the side of my breast.

I don't need a third breast sticking out.

That's just not sexy.

Anyway, needless to say, Mr. Lumpy has made my stomach turn and I'm really uncomfortable with the fear that has returned.

For fucks sakes.

But!

The good part is, is I have had so much good happen in the past month with all the kids that they kept me pre-occupied and I didn't think about it much at all.

I had a little brain break.

Now, the stress headaches are back.

Even though we're going to Santo Domingo for the appointment, there's still some good to look forward to.

The music store!!!

I felt so good after I went on Google Maps and figured out my driving route to get me to the hospital and to the store.

I've pretty much mapped it out in my head and it's really easy.

There won't be any driving around aimlessly like last time.

Then I saw it.

Ikea!!!  It's on our route as well.

Yes!

Those two stores after the appointment will cheer me up.

Mr. Lumpy, you really have to go now.

Today I have another good distraction.

It's the Canada Day Celebration in Cabarete.

Crazy, eh?

They're giving us Canucks a day to remember who we are, even if we are living in paradise.

I wonder if there will be fake snow?

i let go of negative obsessive thoughts

insanity.

If it's not the power, it's the internet.

If it's not the internet, it's my computer or new keyboard.

Seriously, if everything here worked at the same, I'd be confused.

Now the pool equipment is broken.

The last time I tried to practise for the kids at Dream Project, my new keyboard didn't work.

I'm going to buy a new keyboard with my birthday money on Monday.

I was going to get a haircut, and got the phone number of a hair stylist, but didn't go.

So, just like when I was younger, my money will go to instruments.

When I was about 13, I decided I wanted to save to move to Australia.

Because it's warm.

I saved and saved from my job at McDonald's, and when I had a few hundred, I bought a keyboard instead and was stuck in rainy, cold Vancouver.

It feels just like that again, only this time, all I'm losing out on is good hair.

To hell with my nasty, natty hair.  Normally it IS all about my hair.  Not this time.

I need to practise piano, and bass for that matter.

I've been sticking around playing with the MusicMan after teaching the short ones, and I'll tell you, I am out of shape.

It's a good kick in the ass.

It reminds me of who I used to be.  I need to play well again.

It was too hard to play while I was in pain after my motorcycle accident.

I can do it now.  I just need to get in going.

Anyway, the only place to buy instruments on the island is in Santo Domingo.

That's a 3 hour drive, but we have to go there Monday.

I decided to follow through on the 2nd opinion about Mr. Lumpy.  I tried to tell him to go, but it didn't work.

Now he's angry.  So, I'll double check about his intentions.

The piano student I have?

Her mother had a broken spine and went for X-Rays and CT Scan at the same hospital I went for my biopsy, but the people working there didn't know she had a hairline fracture in one of her vertebrae.

If she had've broken it all the way through with one bad move, she'd be paralyzed.

Fortunately, in her home country they found the fracture and fixed her up.

Then, Jersey Girl had gone for a blood test while she was sick, and the doctors told her that by the results, she should be dead.

Something tells me they're not too good at their result readings.

I'll go to the capitol where they have a really good hospital and hope that they can give me the confidence to trust their negative results.

And at the same time, I'll get some manuscript for teaching and buy a new keyboard so I can practise.

Well, of course, I can practise if we have power.

If we have power, I can have internet and blog.

If we have power, we can clean the pool.

That is of course, after we get the equipment fixed.

Then, something else will go.

It's insanity.

But it occurred to me this morning, as I was driving home from teaching, that I'm actually living here.

I'm actually living in the Dominican Republic.

No matter how many crazy troubles we have, we're really here.

Holy shit.

We're really here.

i open my heart and allow wonderful things to flow into my life

fresh.

sunday sillies ... only a few days late ... explanation for my tardiness below ...

It was my birthday yesterday.

The only thing I wanted for my birthday this year was a shower.

It was a long 4.5 days without one.

The worst part about no electricity is the lack of ability to vent on my blog and talk to friends.

I've never realized how much I needed friends until being so isolated.

Today, I'm going to be a tag-a-long to go to the store a half hour away.  It's just something that feels like 'normal' to me in Vancouver.

A tag-a-long is always nice for errands, and the Jersey Girl invited me.

To me, that says, she'd like the company too.

Even though yesterday was my birthday, I was more than happy to be the one to cook, so that we'd have a nice meal to celebrate the few week's drought of income finally coming to an end.

Still, the most enjoyment we had was to pay the people we promised we'd pay on the 20th, when things kicked in.

Two days early is a nice surprise, plus it feels so much better than that looming 'you are letting people starve' hanging over our heads.

With utter JOY we paid people what we owed.

That felt like a nice gift for my day; paying people who were patiently waiting.

Then there was the birthday treat I was presented with first thing in the morning: a dead phone because it wouldn't charge anymore.

Mind you, it was a crappy phone from the dark ages, as we only got the cheapest phone we could get for when we first got here, but seriously?

4 months?

Kinda feels like the knives we bought here that broke just from trying to crush garlic.

Only the best gets shipped to the people of the Dominican Republic, yessirree!

However, we are pretty sure the reason that archaic phone died, was from when we had the power surge of the light show that happened when our inverter room just about blew up.

There is a nice smoke stain on the ceiling that VERY easily could have been a blown up propane tank that stands only a mere 5 feet away.

We could have been fricasseed gringos in an explosion you would have been able to see all the way back to Vancouver.

When we were not online for a few days, we wondered, will people be worried?

I think you only need to worry if it's been over a week.  10 days?  If you don't hear from me here for 10 days send in the reinforcement, otherwise, it's probably just our power being stripped again.

I can't be away from my blog that long.

I miss you all way too much.

Even when I don't get comments, just seeing the numbers on my tracker makes me feel like you're here.

Anyway, I do get to have a special time for my day, eventually.  My mother and my baby sister gave me enough of a birthday gift that I get a haircut.

A haircut!!!!!

I haven't had a haircut in almost a year.  I'm not exaggerating.

It looks like I have a fire hazard on my head.

The sheep in the hood definitely confuse me with their kin.

I suppose a few days off here and there aren't bad.

Time to clear my head for a new beginning.

A new start along with saying goodbye to Mr. Lumpy.  I've been telling him he has to vacate and leave me be.

I've been massaging him out of my life and he's shrinking.

It makes me feel like I can heal from anything.

So that I can start anew without fear.

So that Mr. Lumpy can start a new life some place else, maybe as a good growth, not a sinister one.

Fresh.

Like how I feel about having a shower after 4.5 days.

My bath in a bowl has ceased for the time being.

Happy birthday to me.

i do not settle for a meaningless, boring life

i hide.

blogger still isn't being nice with uploads, so HERE is this week's youtube show.

I'm hiding.

There are no workers here today, they start the last of the renos tomorrow.

But this morning, the moment I let the dogs out, I saw Our Favourite at the gate just waiting to see me.

I do enjoy some time with the kids, but for chrissakes I haven't even had my coffee yet and the amusement park that is our house has kids lined up waiting for it to open.

No.

The sign doesn't work.

Words don't work.

I was told by the Jersey Girl that she has a crotchety husband who told the children to never come unless they've been asked to.

She has a heart like mine.

She can't do that.

But her husband can.

I know Papi couldn't do it either.

I'm looking at the clouds forming with their grey, ominous ambiance, the wind coming in with trees swaying their coconuts and am thinking, if it rains again it will mean another day of quiet.

When it rains kids don't even go to school, so they won't bother the gringos.

I entertained Our Favourite and his sister, and Our Unadopted Child yesterday.

We planted more veggies, we watered the garden, we made our homemade mini gardens out of juice cartons, we played with dogs and we babysat the Little Angel.

Today, I need space.

Today, I need quiet.

I never invited people over to my house all too often when I was in Canada, that's not going to change now, but it seems I'm forced to have company nonstop.

I suppose when people would tell me I was a closed off person, or that I didn't open up very much, they were right.

I do like solitude, but sometimes I want to be with friends, when I have good energy.  Not this 'hanging by a thread' energy.

When all the workers are gone and we have our space all to ourselves, the weekdays will be good because there is guaranteed times that the kids will be in school.

Only problem, is they only go for half a day, so there will be half of them at our gate in the morning and half of them in the afternoon.

I can hear the dogs barking at them.

I'm hiding.

I'm tired and I deserve to rest.

If it means I have to suffer by not looking out at the ocean or our pretty fruit trees, so be it.

It sometimes feels like we're prisoners in our house.

If we step foot out the door, we belong to the village, so in the house we stay.

And this house is not what we bargained for.  It's a lot of work.

So, here I hide, no coffee, no view, but no children.

I'm so tired.

Somehow, I have to accept the love of the children and be at peace with having them around 24-7.

I don't know how I'm going to do that.

So for now, I hide.

I think I'll go back to sleep.

i know that i deserve love and i accept it now

it's all about learning.

I want to live as environmentally sound as possible, and one day we will have solar energy!  But for now, we do our best here.

I just don't know if I'm ever going to make that recycling plan I wanted to talk to government about, because the government here is just so corrupt.  I don't know that they'd ever listen to a city girl from Canada.

I also need to learn how to live off the land as much as possible.

I found a vendor who wants all my used glass containers.  I wash and save pasta sauce jars, etc., and give them to him to sell his wares!

Today, I am going to grind up my egg shells from my eggs I eat every morning.  I boiled and dried them overnight, and they are now baking.

I found a recipe online to make my own calcium from them.  This way, I can have calcium, not throw away my shells AND cut down on costs.

I also tried my hand at toasting my own fresh coffee beans I bought from our neighbouring city, which is scarier than taking a chance on a gay bash by holding your partner's hand in Whalley back home in Surrey.

I thought I needed a little practise on the coffee, but the way my body temperature has risen and I'm typing at the speed of a cockroach coming at me in the bathroom, I'd say that I did a good job!

I was taught how to do it on the first round, by the Housemaid, but she burnt them to a crisp.  I'm pretty sure she needs glasses.  No matter.  She has a Blackberry phone and fancy clothes instead.

Anyway, my coffee now tastes even more delicious with my cinnamon AND nutmeg.

Yeah, I started adding nutmeg from the advice of the local Dominican, Our Translator.

Am I boring you with coffee talk?

OK.

I'll talk about my garden.

I have so many things sprouting up, but being my first veggie garden, I can't tell what's a weed and what's food.

The weeds are even different here!  They actually look like little plants.

So, I'll have to wait until I actually see the real deal, then weed out the rest.

There will be many trials as I learn.  With my coffee, calcium and veggies and more I'm sure.

We just got taught how to actually sharpen our machete properly.

The Carpenter, who built our bed, our wall, our gargantuan fence and is now installing our roof, showed me.

We now have a machete so sharp, I'm afraid to use it!

Not to mention, the puppies are SO curious about it, I'm afraid they may lose a nose.

Oh, the coffee heat has worn off now, so excuse me while I go put a parka on.

Papi has his air conditioning going in the bedroom.  I'm fucking freezing in here.

Alas, we still don't have a functioning washing machine.  We need to find someone to buy it and we'll go buy one that isn't digital, according to Mr. Sincere.

He told us digital isn't going to work far, far out in the village here.  We need old fashion dials.  Another trial failed.

But we have trustworthy electricity again!

The problem was 45 minutes away, where their inverter died in the 4th biggest city here in the Dominican Republic.

I ALSO learned that I will be able to go play in the ocean starting at the end of May until September.  I was told the water is calmer and won't try to kill me, so I'll have some good ol' floating for my bitch of a back.

Learning.

So much.

Including the fact that the Housemaid took us YET again.

We need massive rocks, or shall I say gargantuan boulders, for the front of our property so we don't wash away, not to mention, we need it to support our wall that is built on sand.

The Housemaid told us we need to pay Mr. Extortion (aka: the 'marina'), but the Jersey Girl told me they're not the ones we pay.  It's the environmental agency.

So, she bamboozled us, yet again, stealing money that we had to borrow from our credit card.

Learning.

So much.

i trust myself to make the best and smartest decisions for me

Gratitude List, Day 6/10
1. I am grateful for electricity.
2. I am grateful for clean water.
3. I am grateful to learn every day.
4. I am grateful to feel loved.
5. I am grateful for friendship.
6. I am grateful for being brave and taking a chance, moving somewhere for my health.
7. I am grateful for the warmth to heal my injuries.
8. I am grateful for a roof that doesn't leak.
9. I am grateful for my teachers.
10. I am grateful to be feeling so much better emotionally.

all hail the boob!

Sunday Sillies.

I had SUCH a nice visit with my Jersey Girl neighbour.

Can't really say she's just a Jersey Girl, because she's lived all over the world.

She also had a half sibling that she didn't know about until adulthood, only she got to find her missing piece.

We both agreed that you never know if I will find my big brother.  Life has ways of surprising us when we least expect.

Like the surprise that she offered me yesterday.

You see, I have been heartbroken that I can't have my piano here.

I have to find a new home for it.

It's been my baby for so many years, but it needs a home and it can't be here in the Dominican Republic, or it will be ruined within mere months.

However, the Jersey Girl has a special room with special temperature that she keeps the door closed to keep all the ocean air out.

It's for her baby grand piano.

She can't play anymore, as age has inundated her with arthritis that people get tend to get as they get older.

She asked me to please come play it, because it needs to be played.

I understand this.

I need my piano to go to a home where it will be played as well.

But the fact that 3 doors down on the beach there is a piano just waiting for me to play it was amazing.

There are only 5 pianos on the island.

The chances that one of them is in my hood is incredible!!!

Looks like I'll be practising in no time.

When Papi goes back to Canada to visit G'ma in August, I'll have him bring a ton of my music.

He'll grumble about it.

But whatever.

My foot is down.

I have a piano to play.

I also have a baby to play with.

They joke a lot about just giving me our godson.

It's hard to tell if they're serious or not, because Our Fave's Mom seems so indifferent to the child.

I urged her to feed the Little Angel by breast, not formula.

I've learned from an advocate that this is what they do to women here.

They convince them that their cervix and canal are too small, and that they need a C-Section.

They convince them that their babies are better off with formula, because the child's stomach needs to have 'better' food.

It's horrible.

I tried to persuade her with the benefits of how a mother's milk will give the Little Angel all the antibodies he needs to build his immune, but with my lack of Spanish, all I could really say was how important it is to their health.

I also tried to put a positive twist on it, "And it's a free meal!  No money necessary!"

I told her that in Canada, they're on the boob right away.

Today, the Little Angel wouldn't take the bottle, but as soon as Our Fave's Mom gave him the boob, he started eating right away.

Intuitively, he knows what's best.

Chemicals or natural milk?

A child is all intuition.

I have much more information to give Our Fave's Mom about the benefits.  I'll start googling the words and make my sentences to help her understand.

I'll do my best.

She deserves to give the Little Angel health.

wonderful things unfold before me

Gratitude Day 5/10
1. I am grateful for fresh vegetables from local vendors.
2. I am grateful for the world's most comfortable bed to ease my back.
3. I am grateful for the opportunity to play a piano here on the island.
4. I am grateful our washing machine did another load, even though it's been a month since the last time it let me.
5. I am grateful for electricity.
6. I am grateful for the support of friends.
7. I am grateful to feel loved.
8. I am grateful 2/3 of our roof renos are almost done.
9. I am grateful for clean healthy water.
10. I am grateful to have hope in this world.