Dirt under feet.

If you had have asked me 5 years ago what I would want to be doing right now, I honestly never would have banked on the fact that I'd be walking around barefoot as part of that plan.

Certainly, Vancouver is not a city where you want to walk barefoot.  It's even dangerous on the beach.

Remember when you were little?

It almost seemed you could walk on glass!

You did everything barefoot and all those little rocks that jabbed into the arch of your foot never even phased you!  You just kept running.

It felt cool on your feet and the feeling of the earth beneath you gave you energy.

The feeling of mud between your toes was extravagant as you watched it fill the crevices between your digits, then up over the knuckle, then finally your toenails would disappear.

It's so much easier to walk barefoot here, because the sand just gets in your flip-flops anyway.

Then it grates along your skin.

At least when you're on the true ground, it feels soft and doesn't feel like sandpaper waring away the years of callouses on the soles of your feet.

There are no intravenous drug users in my village, I don't have to worry about needles, or broken glass from drunks who like to smash their bottles in a fit of alcoholism.

However, I do have to worry about the neighbourhood drunk.  At least there's only one:  Mr. Gummy.  He touches me again like he did yesterday, he's not going to have a friend anymore.  And, no, Mr. Gummy.  I'm not giving you money for more beer.  Go sleep it off.

Other than Mr. Gummy, the most I have to worry about when I walk shoeless are land mines from the dogs.

Those bonus dumps from The Donkey wouldn't feel too sexy between my toes.

This morning, as I tried to chase down the lettuce man to no avail, I realized that I walk barefoot more than I walk in shoes.

My feet are adjusting.

They seem stronger.

They seem as though they hold me more stable.

I still wobble about, but I can correct myself much faster.

Dirt under feet.

It feels so good.

Who knew I was missing this in my life?

I never knew what I was missing.

Today, Papi and I are supposed to go play in the the water at Sosúa Beach.  It's our day.

We were going to try for yesterday, but the water wasn't working again, and we had to wait for my Plumber Friend to come fix it.

Apparently, we're supposed to 'jiggle this little thing right here'.

Yeah.

We missed out on our beach day to find out we had to jiggle something.

We have to go today, because it did so much for us last week.

This is the month they say that the water calms down at our house.

When it calms down, we won't have to go too far to float and be grateful for the beauty.

Those waves today?

They do NOT look like they're calming.

I'm listening to them right now.

It almost sounds like a storm outside, but it's just waves crashing.

Last night, I heard my first thunder here!

I love thunder.  It's so beautiful to me, and May is supposed to be storm month.  I just might get a lot of thunder love in this month.

All of this beauty of nature is the first thing I need to put on my list of new things that make me happy.

The New Life List.

Much different than that of Vancouver.

New life.

New ways to find happiness.

Dirt under feet.

i attempt all possible ways to get unstuck

the spirits surround me

I'm an angel.

I felt something, that's for sure.

I laid on that table and every cell in my body was buzzing.

My muscles hummed.

Sometimes, when I cry, I cry from the feet up.  I felt like every vessel that has ever felt that pain was healed.

I actually felt like I lifted off the table a few times.

Nirvana?

There was something surrounding me that night.

The Soul Activator began by placing her hands on my feet.

She placed them on my stomach, shoulders, head, knees.  I can't tell you what order, but her hands were really just a vessel to allow the spirits to come to me.

They came.

I first felt their energy all around me, like the 'vibration' people talk about.  I understand now.  Just by being open to the possibility of feeling this, they came.

My heart was opened where it felt like it was a flower blooming beyond my chest.

My head was supposed to feel like a light was shining from it.

Forget about that!  My whole head was split open from the amount of light I felt.

They came.

They haven't left, I just have trouble speaking to them and feeling like I did that night.  I yearn for that feeling again.

Please.  Come back to me.  That feeling was like nothing I've ever imagined.  I would like to live in that feeling for the rest of my life, if I could.

She told me I was of the highest spirits.  I was told I am of pink light/spirit.  I need to learn more about that.

When I felt the urge to leave it was because I wanted to fly.  I felt like I would levitate off the table to float like an angel.

I lifted my legs off the table, so light that there was no pain in my back.  I could walk without any pain.  I lifted my arms in a stretch that completely felt like I really did have those wings she told me I have.

I was supposed to wait until I felt like the spirits were finished working on me.

However, I left sooner than I was supposed to.  They would have held me there all night if I let them.  I didn't want the Soul Activator to be held hostage for the evening.

Not to mention, I had to go tell Papi.

He's a believer in g*d and gets very upset if I say I don't believe in anything up there.

I think I understood what I have believed in all this time.

I believe in spirits.

I believe in collective energy.  I believe that if everyone had the opportunity to realize just how connected we are, and if we could all feel this love and support, there wouldn't be massacres here and around the world.

I believe we could change the world.

I met a source that I can believe in.

I was taken to a place that had me laughing in a gratitude of alleviation of any pain I've ever felt, and in tears of joy.

They surrounded me with their translucent light, that emanated from within and around them.  They are bright, illuminating light.

They held hands to encompass me in their strength.

They protect me with their light and I'm amazed at their presence.

I'm told to speak to Mary Magdalene daily, to support their companionship with me.

I am an angel.

Can you see my halo?

the past has no power or hold over me anymore

You get what you need.

There has been so much stress around The Great DR Purge, but at the same time, there have been amazing moments of looking at the past, and where I've come.

Good.

Bad.

Sad.

Realllllllly ugly.

It doesn't really matter, it's all my past and it's mine.

I found 4 pages containing, "If I Could Be, Do and Have Everything I Wanted" that I was instructed to write out when I first got clean 'n sober in '99.

We all know life doesn't always give us what we want, but damn!  I got a few things on that list.

Work/Career:  Ok, I'm not a famous rock star, but I'm at least able to compose.

Income:  Nope.  Not making that $6,000 a month from performing and royalties, but I'm financially well enough to eat and have a home.

Lifestyle/Possessions:  I got that motorcycle I wanted, only it almost killed me.  Unfortunately, there was no side car, because my Dearly Departed Gypsy left the planet before I could get her a side car with a fancy helmet that fits dogs.

Relationship:  OK!!!!  I got one of them!!  Well, sorta.  I wanted to be with a sober woman who has all the qualities I ever wanted and we would dote upon each other with love and honesty. 

Got it!  Umm ... however, it's in the form of an F-M.  That one cracks me up.  I guess I've come a long way if I can say that cracked me up, no?

Creative Self-Expression:  Well, it's sorta true.  I do work with many musicians, and I do have a cult following, albeit not as big as I aimed for in my wishes.

Leisure Activities:   Nada.  I had to give up boxing a long time ago.  Yes, I boxed.  Quit laughing.

Personal Growth:  Ok, kinda.  I do still go to counseling, but nope.  I've still not learned how to meditate.

Education:  This one is awesome.  I thought I'd be a personal student to Deepak Chopra.  I suppose anything can still happen in this life.  Maybe I need to give him a call.

I also thought I'd be living in 2 homes.  One here and one in Hollywood.

Ok.  The home I wanted here was in Point Grey.  Can you believe that's where I'm living?

There's nothing on there about moving to paradise in the Dominican Republic.

I guess my point of all this, is I strongly encourage you to write out your dreams and passions.

Put them on paper!  Then put them away for a long, long time.

Later on, bring them out and take a peek.

It's amazing.

It was truly sad sometimes, reading about all the goals I had that I'll never attain now that I have a different mind and body, but what I can say, is my life is amazing.

It's beautiful.

I could never have envisioned my life changing experience of nearly dying to bring me all I ever needed.

I didn't know what I needed.

Oh, but I knew what I wanted.

Sometimes, we need to look back and see that our lives have become a completely different scenario than we expected, but expectations are ridiculous.

Expectations are meant to be screwed up.

That's the rule of life.

The secret to life, is wanting what you have.

When I read my '99 hopes and dreams, and look at where I am now, I can honestly say, I have found happiness in my life that I never imagined.

Happiness amongst life's terms.

'you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need' ~ The Rolling Stones

There once was this elephant ...

So, as I was saying, our little family has class.

I just got elastics added to my braces.

I now look like the bionic woman under construction.

Last night, my elastic got stuck in my back braces, and Papi tried to unsnag it with tweezers.  There seemed to be more pulling of my inside cheek than pulling of elastics.

The next best part, was when my love would let go of the elastic and the same area Papi poked and pinched with tweezers would get an elastic, "THWACK!!"

The next woeful activity was to remove said elastic, that had at this point, gotten stuck on my front braces.  Well, Papi came in for the kill with the tweezers again, and I had to put the brakes on when I was in fear of my lips from being ripped off.

I took Papi's suggestion and employed the handiest, dandiest, who-knew-i-was-missing-this-in-my-life electric toothbrush.

Up until today, it's bravest mission was to erase the veggie du jour that would be stuck at the back of my braces, just waiting for it's second coming of a meal.

I enjoyed brushing before, but now I feel like I have a weapon!

And a tool.

The handiest, dandiest, who-knew-i-was-missing-this-in-my-life electric toothbrush pushed that bitch right outta there!

I felt like McGiver armed with duct tape.

Anyway, once I had the next round of brace face/rubber mouth set in place I set in motion the dishes saga.  I had to move dishes from our basement suite to the upstairs dishwasher. 

... there's really no pretty way to say i was doing chores ...

That's when I heard probably the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my life.

You see G'ma has a friend who is very good to her and I overheard a conversation:

G'ma: You know I really appreciate everything you do for me.
Friend: Well, you do a lot for me too!
G'ma: Well, you're a good friend.
Friend: Well, you're a good friend to me too!
G'ma: Yeah, well you're my best friend.

This ...

Melted my heart and it may just be me, but when you get to experience a 96 year old expressing BFF love for their friend, you know she's pretty happy over all.

Anyway, back to my brace face.

Today, Lin and I met with film producer Karen Lam and her team for our next video.

Ahem.

Did I mention, I haven't slept yet?

Probably not.

Yeah.

Tired doesn't even begin to express.

Yet it was sure exciting to see the awesome space for our video and hear what the ideas were for the video.

My dark and embracing of mania personality gets to be creative soon.

The funniest part of the video is when they addressed the elephant in the room.  I was asked, "Well, I'm going to ask the question nobody wants to ask; When do you get your braces off?"

I laughed and said with a 'good luck buddy' smile, "Another year."

"Ok!" he said, "So, we're going to get them in as part of the metal aspect.

I like it.

Metal.

Even if it is in my mouth.