I understand so much now.

I suppose if she's allowed to assume for me, then I'm allowed to assume for her.

Especially since she won't talk to me about it, so here's my assumption.

The way our friendship was severed was not like any 'little' friend's spat.  It was more like, "That's it!  I've had it!  That was the last straw!!!"

Even though I didn't know there were any straws being pulled.

I'm pretty sure by going back over all the emotional belting I received, that it's all about resentment.  It usually is.

Here's my take on it:

I was so gung-ho before my motorcycle accident.  As one person said, "Andréa will never give up.  She'll just keep going until she succeeds."

I used to work so hard that people would tell me I was going to give myself a heart attack.

Then the accident came, and to find the energy just to get out of the chair was a day long task.

To walk to the bathroom and back took all my strength and I had to sleep for 4 hours afterward just to recuperate.

Hence, I am not the same person I used to be.  I don't overwork myself, because I can't.

I don't have the strength, energy or brain power.  These things happen when you have lived through brain injury.

Problem is, she saw me so enthusiastic about music before, and now I'm much more lackadaisical about it.

I don't really have a choice.  That aggressively dedicated girl was taken from us in the accident.  I've had to say goodbye to her.

Only problem is, if you're not living in my body/mind, you could never understand, because to everyone else, it seems she's still here.

I look the same.  I don't look like I'm disabled, yet, I am.

She wanted me to have the same passion as I did with HECTOR, however, I didn't have that girl to call upon with BlueLight.

Therefore, the majority of the work fell on her lap.

I couldn't possibly do everything she did.

Just to find the energy to get to my computer is impossible when my bitch of a back is nagging at me.  I just hide and berate myself for not doing anything.

She did everything and furthermore, spent everything by creating her own record company, now that I'm on disability.

I can see where the resentment came from.

She can't see that I'm not the same, so she assumed that I'm just not into it.  Confirmation came with her words, "I always knew you weren't into this as much as me, and now this proves it."

She decided for me that I quit the project because I sold a few items.  It's not about the items, it's not about me moving, it's the fact that she'd had enough of being the head honcho trying to lead around a horse and cart with a carrot.

She'd had enough, and now our friendship is over.  It's killing me, but I'm getting closer to letting it go.

There's nothing I can do about our friendship, that decision was up to her.

And on that note, I'd like to purge a bit of HECTOR.  If you'd like a free cd, I have a few, just check out the HECTOR fan page and it will tell you how to get them.

I can't bring them with me to the Dominican Republic.  I can only bring a few and leave the rest in storage with my baby sister.

I can't rock out for HECTOR anymore, because I can't stand and hold my bass, so in essence, I have actually given up on that project.  It's all for licensing now.

I can't send you any free BlueLight, because I'm not the owner of it.  You'll still have to pay for those ones, but I'd do it soon, because it looks like it's only a collector's item now, and besides, I'd love for her to recoup the money she spent on it.

Anyway, I've had time to think about it and I completely understand her side, not that it makes it any easier.

It makes me angry at the person who hit me on my motorcycle all the more for changing my life.

i am loving and accepting of myself just as i am

plethora!!!

I'm not even sure I told 'you', my imaginary friend, about the sweet little interview we did.

Click HERE!

I wanted to embed it, but for some reason, it ain't happenin'!

So, you'll have to click the link and get to the good stuff there.

It's an online show by RightOutTV that this generous music making couple did with us.

We were part of their 3rd show, and I wish nothing but the best for them in their venture!  It's great to have people who are so supportive in this world.

Tomorrow, we'll be shooting another music video, only this one will be live!

I get to sing my favourite BlueLight song, 'No Pearls of Wisdom', which is the last song on our current CD, "On The Edge," while Lin tinkers away at a grand piano.

It's not my upright baby grand piano, but rather, some fancy dancy one at a super duper studio!

I'll hook you up with it once it's online as well.

Now, I'd like to vent about religion.

Religion pisses me off.

... yeah, yeah, yeah, i go on about zealots ... what fucking ever ...

Being raised around a bunch of abusive nuns who, in turn, trained more of my family to be hateful, my Catholic upbringing was less than accepting of anyone who wasn't just like them.

Which I wasn't.

Here's a young man who has believed in his religion, and has now been failed by it, like many others who have been hurt by their ridiculous views.

Click HERE!

I wanted to embed that one as well, but for some reason, my links keep defaulting to Angry Birds.

... whatever, google gods! i found a way to beat your silliness ...

This lovely young person was invited to be a keynote speaker for his baby brother's graduation, but then his opportunity was revoked, because the Bishop of the school found out he was gay.

Here's a lovely Facebook page to support him on: Let Dominic Speak.

Click HERE for the petition to sign.

Ok.

Have I given you enough to do on this rainy Vancouver Saturday?  Or sunny 'n hot beautiful land in the midwest USA?  Or whatever place in the world you're reading from.

Hello Russia!  Been noticing you hang around a lot these past few weeks!  Welcome to you!

Anyway, I just finished the practise with Lin, and we're ready to go for tomorrow.

I'm so sorry to Papi who is trying to sleep off the Graveyard Coma.

And now, I get to go make more drum loops for us to use.

I hope your day brings you joy.

never let success go to your head and never let failure get to your heart

You may be a redneck if,

I never got to tell you about the whacky experience during the video preparation and the actual day.

Remember that bad dream I had?

The one where my BlueLight partner Lin stopped the filming because of my 'fat'?.

While the fitting of the dress happened, you know, when it fit, Lin ever so seriously walked over and pointed out that there was a bulge in the boning of the dress.

All I saw was her pointing at the 'fat' that i'm all too aware of, so I told her what had just happened I had dreamed about prior.

I got very defensive, because the Anorexia Monster was chattering about how I'm going to look so awful in the video, etc.

However, I found my come back, "Ok!  But it is only Saturday.  I have one more day to eat a gazillion veggies and lose water."

They were both impressed that I was able to actually lose a dress size in a week, but now comes the hard part.  Keeping up with my proper diet.

There has been a lot of talk on Facebook about a campaign to bring awareness to eating disorders.

The Anorexia Monster is really enjoying it.

Mostly because I read the full article about how most models are considered anorexic, yet the 'plus' size models were around a 6 and above.

You fucking kidding me?

So.

To them I'd be a plus size person?

No.

A plus size person can only shop at 3 stores, and it's all made for older women who like to dress conservatively, or in a moo moo, without a spice of flare to it, lest they look good.

Seriously?

Where are the designers out there who realize that the world doesn't revolve around size 'waif'?

Beauty does not only come under the size of 6, but that good old Anorexia Monster is still talking away at me regardless.

hehehe ... while you're sick and don't feel like eating, you can just fake a little more 'not feeling like its' in and lose a bit of that stuff you see in the mirror ...

Well, I'm too sick to fight that bitch, so I'll be sure that when I do feel like eating, it will be something healthy that benefits my system.

So, fuck you and your 'plus size' fucking crap.

Fuck!

The fucking fucker's fucked!

Had to throw that in there. 

I just love the redneck in me.

Video Pics!

I'm feeling a little more coherent today.

That was worth the level 8 pain and exhaustion.  Just glad I don't have to perform like that every week, or even every month.

Regardless of how much I hurt, the video for BlueLight is going to be great!

The company Green Couch are amazing.  Their style of filming is going to give our video absolutely astounding life.

Here are a few shots:

I thought I'd share this one first, because it makes me giggle every time I look at it.

I'm not actually attached to a noose, however, this song is about Papi's male transformation, so a noose would be appropriate.

It was us looking 'upside down', which is also how I felt during the worst part of tumultuous emotions I had around my love dropping the F-M bomb.

Anyway, this is the hair that took an hour of picking, and half my conditioning products to undo.

I've never had my hair stand on end before.  I never knew it could.

I mean, you'd think I experienced my hair on end through the 6 weeks of catatonic crying over Papi's male transformation.

But no.

It was Zed the amazing hair stylist who did this with ease!

That's not a spider in my hair, even if it gives me the creeps looking at it.

These ghouly pics don't quite catch the way Green Couch was filming it.  You'll have to wait for the video to actually see the effect they were going for.

You can see Lin Gardiner in the background playing keys, but this is a better look at the two of us together:

If you look at the bottom of the pic, you'll see the company, LMG Photography.

The couple are very good friends of ours who do amazing work.  It's Meredydd Gray on makeup, and Lara Gray behind the camera stills.  They are the same friends who did our wedding pics.

They are amazing.

Here's a nice close up of Meredydd's amazing makeup job:

Yup.  I look like I belong on set for Disney.  However, I'm not sure they're keen on a gay princess with tattooed arms and full metal shrapnel on her teeth.

None-the-less, between Zed and Meredydd made such a fantastic look, I have never felt so childlike in all my adult years.  Goddamit it was so much fun!

But I know what you're waiting for.

The Dress.

Yes.  THE Dress:

Well, we didn't really get a great close up with these pics, because there was so much in the way for filming, but here it is:

There may be more shots to share with you to get a really good idea of why I worked so hard for a week to fit into it.

But for now, you get to see how absolutely frivolous I felt in this get up!

It's probably the last time I wear this gem.

My ass gave the boning in the back a run for it's money.  It slowly creeped straight through the material, jabbing me in the butt for a good 2 hours.  Not to mention I couldn't sit, because that dress would have ripped open if I did.

There's a nice war wound on my ass.

Ah, the suffering we do for our art.

thank you pain killers ... you really did a great job!!!

Or in this case, an overly absurd statement of goofiness.

But my favourite of all, was a pic of pouty me.

Yes.

I do pout.

There's that spider again, only this time, it looks like I have black roots.

Anyway, these are the only shots I have to give you right now.  There's so much more, but I think I'll just wait for the end result to show you.

I can't wait for it to be edited and polished!!!!

Dream a Little Dream With Me.

Well, I did pretty good until last night.

I've been eating healthy, exercising and trying to be nice to myself.

That doesn't stop what I see in the mirror, but I feel better, so if nothing happens to get me into that dress, at least I'm feeling healthy.

However, even though I can talk to myself about being healthy, the Anorexia Monster is nipping at my heels, very much in the same manner as Sir Bark-a-Lot when we have company.

Alas, the Anorexia Monster entered my dreams last night.

I dreamed I was at least 50 pounds heavier than I really am, and when we did the video shoot, the Grand Poohbah ...

aka the big boss lin ...

... stopped shooting and said, "Hold on, hold on!  We have a bit of a problem here!"

She showed me the problem.

Yup.

Great gobs of fat hanging from my stomach.

We had to cancel the video shoot and I had to go lose weight.

Jeeeeeeeezus Christ on a stick!

First of all, even if I was as heavy as the Andréa in the dream, we'd still be doing a video, because this video is not about perfect bodies who have suffered to be this way.

This video is about my craft, my art and my talent, not my fucking ass and stomach.

Second of all, I can get another dress that will flatter my curvacious body and I will still feel sexy, because sex appeal comes from within.

So, I woke up, and what do you think is the first thing I did?!?

If you guessed run to the mirror and lift my t-shirt up to reveal the stomach that doesn't look like the one in my dream, then you'd be correct.

It was actually good for me.

For a moment, I saw that I'm smaller than the person in the dream, even if it did switch very quickly into wayyyyyy too much heftiness on my hips.

That's when I stopped looking.

I'm eating my normal breakfast, and will eat my healthy food through the day, coupled with a gym/physio workout and nice words to myself.

Even if I can't get into that dress tomorrow, I'm trying to remind myself that this was a gown worn in my teens.

I have to remember that I'm a woman, not a young girl.

I have to remember that one of the sexiest women known, was a vivacious size 10, which in today's sizes bring Marilyn Monroe's size closer to a 16.

I have to remember that the fashion industry has started to make clothing smaller, so that we women have even more grief about our healthy bodies.

Fuck them and their fucking ridiculous sizes that make us, with eating disorders, cringe every time we need to buy a new pair of jeans. 

Fuck them and their fucking air brushing to make an aging woman feel older than the stars we see in magazines.

Fuck them and their fucking rants about who's too fat or who's too thin.

Fuck them and their glorifying of mentally ill models, who are starving themselves for designers from hell.

I have had crying sessions in change rooms, where I've had to leave all the clothes I've tried on in a crumpled mess, that which reflects my mind.

Well, today I will be good to myself, even if I do see the dream Andréa in the mirror.

The mirror lies.

I have to remember that the only reason I have a mirror is to see if my outfits are not looking like a tossed salad with way too many clashing veggies.

Anyway, all I really want to say is, even if I can't fit into that dress tomorrow that I wore just 5 months ago, then fuck it.

I'm healthy, and there's another dress out there just waiting for me to slide my sexy booty into.

Oh, the mayhem that will be ...

What a great day yesterday!

We had to work really hard to fit everything into one day of video prep for BlueLight, but taskmaster Lin and her beautiful wife Carol are absolutely amazing at getting things organized.

And boy, do I need that.

I used to be that way before the brain injury, but now I need help, and that's ok.

I appreciate the details that they are so good at picking out.  This is going to be so much fun!!!

Except for the part where I can't fit into my dress that I performed in on one of our last gigs.  You know remember that gig?  The one that I put my back out for and had a ride in an ambulance after?

Yeah.

I go big.

I don't just leave a show in a limo, I leave on a stretcher in an ambulance.  Top that bitches!

Anyway, the dress.

It's hard enough for me to actually see myself as a healthy weight, but to not fit into a dress has my Anorexia Monster whispering in my ear ever so seducingly.

For those of us who have an eating disorder, you understand the dysphoria that occurs when we look in the mirror.

Carol tried to help ease my 'Oh no, I'm too fat!' drama, by showing me that she has some fat on her healthy body, and that it's ok.  She tried to reassure me with, "We could find another dress if we need to."

anorexia monster has something else in mind ...

The problem is, every time I look in the mirror, I see great gobs of fat that shouldn't be there, hence, I never really know I've gained true weight if I'm not performing, because I'm not attempting to slide into fancy clothes.

Well, I have 6 days to get this body into that dress.

I can't accept that I would have to rent a dress for the day because of weight gain.  I cannot do that.

I know that as we age, it's only natural to gain weight, but my Anorexia Monster won't accept it.

So, here we go.

6 days of gentle, yet pin-pointed exercise to help that booty slide into that outrageous, fuschia, taffeta gown, and my waist line closer to what it was a few months ago when I felt like wearing my sexy jeans.

a little xmas meltdown had me wearing sweats for a good month there ...

Think I can do it?

The more realistic part of my brain says, "I think not," however, that won't stop the Anorexia Monster.  She will not stop at anything to fit into that dress.

Seriously!  It just fit this August past!

I know I put on weight after every re-injury of my bitch of a back, but damn!  This can't happen right now!!!

My mind has been obsessing about food every second since that bursting of my body image bubble yesterday.

Normally, I obsess about the goodies that I want.  God forbid they're in the house, because then it's like I have blinders on, and can only see the foods that whisper my name.  I have to eat them to get them off my mind.

However, right now, I'm obsessing about how little I can eat to stay healthy, yet not allow the Anorexia Monster take over.

It's a tough balance, but I can do this!  I have all the foods I need to make my body feel svelte, even if the mirror lies.

Oh.  Did I mention it's the same dress I wore in my teens when I was foolish enough to think that winning a pageant would convince me that I'm pretty?

Well, I won runner up, so I'm sure you can imagine what came next for that 'I'm not good enough' brain.  Yup.  Years upon years of thinking I'm not pretty enough.

Well, I know now that pretty comes from the inside, but my outside wants to fit into that fucking dress!!

Oh, this should be a great week for Hurricane Andréa.  I'm sure there will be many moments of mayhem for you to enjoy.

Or relate to?

Riding that wave ...

You know, it's time to put the Trust List into an archive box.

I am so surrounded by support, that the list just keeps growing.

So much so, that the little basket I'd collect hearts in, has become so big, that I now need a semi-trailer to haul all the love.

Every single angel who has sent me treasured words of esteem are automatically added to the list.

It's so big now, that I walk with pride.

It's so big now, that I don't feel the need to fall prey to social anxiety and hide under my rock, missing out on opportunities for a room full of joy.

It's so big now, that I received an email from someone wanting to make a play out of our story.

She told me she had made a web page for me some years back, but somehow, my injured noodle just can't remember.  I'll have to wait to see her face up close, look in her eyes and allow the memories to wire back in when they choose.

Anyway.

The Trust List.

It's big.

It's powerful.

It's so full of love.

However, that's all I have time to write about today, because it's a very busy day.

I'm going to go get prepared for the last shots of our BlueLight video, and Lin Gardiner is a strict task master so I don't wanna piss her off!!

Hence, I don't have much time to write, other than to say that my 2012 has started out with greatness.

I'm gonna ride that wave until it crashes on the shores of the Dominican Republic!

I'm grateful you're here to join me.

There once was this elephant ...

So, as I was saying, our little family has class.

I just got elastics added to my braces.

I now look like the bionic woman under construction.

Last night, my elastic got stuck in my back braces, and Papi tried to unsnag it with tweezers.  There seemed to be more pulling of my inside cheek than pulling of elastics.

The next best part, was when my love would let go of the elastic and the same area Papi poked and pinched with tweezers would get an elastic, "THWACK!!"

The next woeful activity was to remove said elastic, that had at this point, gotten stuck on my front braces.  Well, Papi came in for the kill with the tweezers again, and I had to put the brakes on when I was in fear of my lips from being ripped off.

I took Papi's suggestion and employed the handiest, dandiest, who-knew-i-was-missing-this-in-my-life electric toothbrush.

Up until today, it's bravest mission was to erase the veggie du jour that would be stuck at the back of my braces, just waiting for it's second coming of a meal.

I enjoyed brushing before, but now I feel like I have a weapon!

And a tool.

The handiest, dandiest, who-knew-i-was-missing-this-in-my-life electric toothbrush pushed that bitch right outta there!

I felt like McGiver armed with duct tape.

Anyway, once I had the next round of brace face/rubber mouth set in place I set in motion the dishes saga.  I had to move dishes from our basement suite to the upstairs dishwasher. 

... there's really no pretty way to say i was doing chores ...

That's when I heard probably the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my life.

You see G'ma has a friend who is very good to her and I overheard a conversation:

G'ma: You know I really appreciate everything you do for me.
Friend: Well, you do a lot for me too!
G'ma: Well, you're a good friend.
Friend: Well, you're a good friend to me too!
G'ma: Yeah, well you're my best friend.

This ...

Melted my heart and it may just be me, but when you get to experience a 96 year old expressing BFF love for their friend, you know she's pretty happy over all.

Anyway, back to my brace face.

Today, Lin and I met with film producer Karen Lam and her team for our next video.

Ahem.

Did I mention, I haven't slept yet?

Probably not.

Yeah.

Tired doesn't even begin to express.

Yet it was sure exciting to see the awesome space for our video and hear what the ideas were for the video.

My dark and embracing of mania personality gets to be creative soon.

The funniest part of the video is when they addressed the elephant in the room.  I was asked, "Well, I'm going to ask the question nobody wants to ask; When do you get your braces off?"

I laughed and said with a 'good luck buddy' smile, "Another year."

"Ok!" he said, "So, we're going to get them in as part of the metal aspect.

I like it.

Metal.

Even if it is in my mouth.

Just a Moment

Successfully accomplished fuck all yesterday.

Today I may be manic trying to catch up, but before I do that, I need to regroup and have a chat with 'you', my imaginary friend.

I always feel better after we've spoken.

or perhaps it's the fact that 'you' come along with a cup of coffee ... hmmmm ...

I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed with all I have to achieve over the next few weeks.

I had a really nice talk with bandmate/producer Lin Gardiner the other day.  It was about energy.  It was about how little I have since the brain injury, and how I'll be joining with BlueLight as my primary and HECTOR as a secondary.

I do 99% of everything on my own for HECTOR and sometimes, just trying to get my drummer out to a sound check on the gig day is even work.

With BlueLight, I have the hardest working, most professional person I could ever ask for in a duo.

Pre-brain injury, I could take on the world.  I would say 'yes' to everything, do it all myself, and somehow swing it with my superman boots and cape affixed.

Now?

It's all about one thing at a time.  I no longer have the drive.

or the organizational skills ... where the fuck did i put my organizational skills?!?!?!?

It's almost like I now live the meaning of being in the moment.  If I look too far ahead, I get anxious and freeze to the point of not doing anything.

seriously ... where did andréa go?

Other people with brain injury have spoken about their super powers that they've acquired.

Not me.

I just got lazy.

It also carries over into every aspect of my life, including this male transformation.

The future terrifies me.  If I stay right here, right now, I can handle so much more.

Yes.

My love now has a flat chest.

Yes.

I see a caterpillar above the lips I kiss.

Yes.

Papi is getting helium voice.

this one is the current 'oh gawd help me i can't take it'.

Yes.

I'm still in love with Papi.

However, while I was on the phone with a panicked conversation about the car, I let a 'she' slip out in reference to Papi.  Boy did I get the death stare.

Then on Facebook, I saw my love do what I didn't want to ever see.

Mi esposo has openly asked every person on my love's friends list to refer to Papi as 'he'.

It really is hard with a new pronoun, especially when I still see Papi as my butch.  I don't see a man.  I don't know that I ever will, because Papi is my Papi.

Today.

Right now.

Papi is still my butch.

If I look to the future of the 'man' my love wishes to be ...

i'll freak the fuck right out

... I'll get anxious and see things I just shouldn't be seeing.

This is my fear:

 

 This is my butch:

 

I'll just stay right here in the moment thank you very much.

Hello my name is Andréa, and I'm a Tranny Lover.