Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Oh, the mayhem that will be ...

What a great day yesterday!

We had to work really hard to fit everything into one day of video prep for BlueLight, but taskmaster Lin and her beautiful wife Carol are absolutely amazing at getting things organized.

And boy, do I need that.

I used to be that way before the brain injury, but now I need help, and that's ok.

I appreciate the details that they are so good at picking out.  This is going to be so much fun!!!

Except for the part where I can't fit into my dress that I performed in on one of our last gigs.  You know remember that gig?  The one that I put my back out for and had a ride in an ambulance after?


I go big.

I don't just leave a show in a limo, I leave on a stretcher in an ambulance.  Top that bitches!

Anyway, the dress.

It's hard enough for me to actually see myself as a healthy weight, but to not fit into a dress has my Anorexia Monster whispering in my ear ever so seducingly.

For those of us who have an eating disorder, you understand the dysphoria that occurs when we look in the mirror.

Carol tried to help ease my 'Oh no, I'm too fat!' drama, by showing me that she has some fat on her healthy body, and that it's ok.  She tried to reassure me with, "We could find another dress if we need to."

anorexia monster has something else in mind ...

The problem is, every time I look in the mirror, I see great gobs of fat that shouldn't be there, hence, I never really know I've gained true weight if I'm not performing, because I'm not attempting to slide into fancy clothes.

Well, I have 6 days to get this body into that dress.

I can't accept that I would have to rent a dress for the day because of weight gain.  I cannot do that.

I know that as we age, it's only natural to gain weight, but my Anorexia Monster won't accept it.

So, here we go.

6 days of gentle, yet pin-pointed exercise to help that booty slide into that outrageous, fuschia, taffeta gown, and my waist line closer to what it was a few months ago when I felt like wearing my sexy jeans.

a little xmas meltdown had me wearing sweats for a good month there ...

Think I can do it?

The more realistic part of my brain says, "I think not," however, that won't stop the Anorexia Monster.  She will not stop at anything to fit into that dress.

Seriously!  It just fit this August past!

I know I put on weight after every re-injury of my bitch of a back, but damn!  This can't happen right now!!!

My mind has been obsessing about food every second since that bursting of my body image bubble yesterday.

Normally, I obsess about the goodies that I want.  God forbid they're in the house, because then it's like I have blinders on, and can only see the foods that whisper my name.  I have to eat them to get them off my mind.

However, right now, I'm obsessing about how little I can eat to stay healthy, yet not allow the Anorexia Monster take over.

It's a tough balance, but I can do this!  I have all the foods I need to make my body feel svelte, even if the mirror lies.

Oh.  Did I mention it's the same dress I wore in my teens when I was foolish enough to think that winning a pageant would convince me that I'm pretty?

Well, I won runner up, so I'm sure you can imagine what came next for that 'I'm not good enough' brain.  Yup.  Years upon years of thinking I'm not pretty enough.

Well, I know now that pretty comes from the inside, but my outside wants to fit into that fucking dress!!

Oh, this should be a great week for Hurricane Andréa.  I'm sure there will be many moments of mayhem for you to enjoy.

Or relate to?


  1. Andrea you are loved, and will look awesome in what ever you wear

  2. I have struggled for over half my life with bulemia. Though I have been not active in my eating disorder for over 2 years, I can relate when the Voice tells me horrible things when I look into a mirror.

    When those days happen, I walk away and may not look again for days - then when I do look, I see a beauty looking back at me - hips, curves, and all. And I like what I see. It's taken me years to say that and believe it. The Voice comes less and less....

    Hugs to you my friend, I can relate more than you know.

  3. thank you anonymous ... i'm mostly afraid of the zipper popping out on this gem whilst i'm in mid croon!

    phaedra, i didn't know you were one of us ... it's so brutal ... i don't have many mirrors in the house b/c of it.

    i'll do my best. i haven't harmed my body with this in years. i don't intend to harm myself ... i just need to keep staying fit until the weekend and go from there on saturday ... yikes.


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