there's always an opportunity for a new beginning

He already came.

His spirit already appeared to show that he was well and loved us.

He still needs to do a little more cleaning, but give the guy a break!  He's only been able to clean himself for less than 2 days.

Point is, he already came, meowing in full force!!!!!

I went to the garden and placed my hands over his energy.

Then I plucked out all the damn weeds that were invading my happy soil for my veggies!!!!

Today, I will plant more.

Anyway, back to me.

I had a meltdown yesterday, in full force, scale 5, Hurricane Andréa.

It's difficult, because when Papi grieves, he needs to be alone.

When I grieve, I need to be held.

I don't get to have that option.  I have to be alone in my pain, because I don't have friends here I can just call up and say, "Can you come over and just let me lie on your shoulder while I cry?"

Instead, I hold the Jake-a-Like.

True to his doppelganger, The Galloping Gazelle, he is the world's best cuddler.

When I needed him to just let me hold him, he didn't move.  He allowed me to do what I needed.

I was grateful.

I realize that I've fallen.

My depression has left me without seeing anything of worth in my life.

I know this is a lie my mental illness whispers to me.

I know there is so much in life to be grateful for, but when you fall into the Pit of Doom, sometimes, it's really hard to get out.

My Friend of the Angels helped.  She sent energy, and the next day, I had someone who I had been searching for, find me.

I was at the hardware store, like I seem to be every day with one or more of the workers, and he appeared.

He could see the pain in my eyes.

He told me, that living in this country is all about learning, that I'll never stop learning while I'm here, and to be prepared for that work.

He also told me that I have to keep my heart open, even when the worst is happening.

I told him I understood, and that my philosophy has always been, that when you stop learning, you die.

This morning, I want to live.

I have plans in place today to start finding my strength again.

To try to dig myself out of the Pit of Doom.

To find paradise in my soul.

I stopped working on myself, when friends abandoned me back home, then I became so busy trying to care for all the workers who needed me.

I forgot about me.

I also forgot, that when you have a chemical imbalance, a mental illness, it never rests.

It's never really 'cured'.  It lies waiting.  Every once in a while, it tests the waters to see how much power it can pull from you.

If you have enough in place to fight it, it can't come in.

Let your guard down for a few days, and dammit, but you're fucked.

I'm fucked.

But I am beginning again today.

The visit from my sweet little departed soul to tell me he's happy will help me.

He's an angel now, and he will be my strength for my first steps today.

I'm doing 10 days of hard working gratitude.

I do my gratitude every night, but I need to step up my game.

All day long.

Writing it on the walls.

And here.

Will you join me with writing yours here?

It would really make me happy.

the more grateful i am, the more reasons i find to be grateful

GRATITUDE LIST, DAY 1/10
1. I am grateful for this blog to help me work through my emotions.
2. I am grateful for 'you' being here to support me, even when 'you' are anonymous.
3. I am grateful we now have a healthy bed to sleep in.
4. I am grateful for the hard work I did yesterday, washing laundry by hand.  I now have underwear.
5. I am grateful the heat heals my physical pain.
6. I am grateful I have friends who show me how much they love me.
7. I am grateful for friends who remind me, that if I ever left this planet, they'd be hurt.  I stay for their hearts sometimes.
8. I am grateful for people who stick with me, even when I'm at my worst.
9. I am grateful the angels brought me messages that all will be ok and that they are here.
10. I am grateful that the puppies make me laugh, to counter-balance when I want to kill them for destroying my underwear.

we saw g*d

I guess that was all we needed to forget about all the grief we've been receiving.

A field trip.

We were taken by the Pool Man, his wife and son to Santiago.  They were talking about how wonderful this 'Price Smart' was.

In Vancouver, we have 'PriceSmart'.

When spoken, sounds identical because you don't hear the space between words.  I never thought the one in Vancouver was anything special, but it's a hell of a lot better than the dimly lit little stores here where I try to find something, anything to eat.

Off we went over the Moca, which is so treacherous that it puts our Sea to Sky highway to shame.

We rolled past hills of green grass that looked like something out of The Hobbit, gorgeous, space seeking trees and too many cows to count.

When we got into the heart of the city, we saw a massive store being built.  It seemed like perhaps we would find something I could eat.

Then we turned into the 'Price Smart'.

The moment we walked in, it was like we saw that g*d really existed.

It was their version of Costco.

I'm not a material person, but I am definitely someone who looks for comfort when shopping.

This was it.  We found it.

A store we could relate to that had so much of what we need that it was like we'd seen snow for the first time.

A microwave!  Big batches of salted cashews!  Honey!  Mixing bowls of stainless steel!  Knives that will actually cut our food!  Papi was thrilled because he was able to get his treat like he always would at Costco; a big cup of fountain pop.

Then we were escorted through town to be shown a few more grocery stores with so much to choose from, we were content in thinking that we'd never miss Vancouver now.

The one store that got my attention was one that actually carried my favourite wheat free pasta, Tinkyada, and a $10 loaf of Glutino, wheat free bread.

Papi was as bit dismayed that I'd be buying a $10 loaf of bread, but I assured him it would be my once a month treat.  Kinda like his once a month junk food binge in the big city at McDonald's or any other fast 'food' joint.

After returning from our shop and it was time to go home, back over the Moca, I saw something I wasn't looking forward to seeing.

I'd already seen a dead dog, a dead cat and a dead horse at the side of the road.  I knew it was only a matter of time before I would see what I didn't want to see; a motorcycle accident.

Someone in the middle of the road who didn't look like he'd be moving any time soon, flat out like a pancake.

He had obviously been one of the hooligans who drive too fast and reckless, not to mention, there wasn't a helmet to be found.

Of course I went into full panic attack, but we were with people we didn't know very well, so I had to do my best to suffer in silence with tears being concealed, doing my best not to hyperventilate.

We were told before we went out on our venture that if there is an accident, you don't stop.

If you stop and help bring someone to a hospital, because you are a foreigner, they will blame the accident on you when you bring the person in, and you will get sued for hospital costs and more.

In this instance, I was extremely grateful that we didn't stop, because it was too much for my P.T.S.D. to deal with, but the sadness was so overwhelming for my morality.

I would stop in Vancouver, no matter how bad my flashbacks were, if I saw this guy and only one person helping.

I've learned that there's no point in trying to prove anyone wrong that has been here for 20 or so years.

We have to start believing people.

It was pretty clear our new friends were scared enough of the repercussions, when both the Dominican wife and son said, "Don't stop!  Go!  Go!" in such a panicked voice that it sounded like there was a gun pointed in their direction.

They assured us that many Dominicans will come to the aid of the only person helping this man.

They assured us that a Dominican taxi will drive him to the hospital if he's still alive, because the ambulances here will not take you without money up front.

This is a life like nothing I would ever expect in Canada.

I knew I'd be in for some new ways of living, but this truly is a day by day shock to my emotional system.

Good thing my Friend of the Angels sent help to us last night.

I can feel them with me now.

i focus on breathing and grounding myself