Wednesday, April 24, 2013

there's always an opportunity for a new beginning

He already came.

His spirit already appeared to show that he was well and loved us.

He still needs to do a little more cleaning, but give the guy a break!  He's only been able to clean himself for less than 2 days.

Point is, he already came, meowing in full force!!!!!

I went to the garden and placed my hands over his energy.

Then I plucked out all the damn weeds that were invading my happy soil for my veggies!!!!

Today, I will plant more.

Anyway, back to me.

I had a meltdown yesterday, in full force, scale 5, Hurricane Andréa.

It's difficult, because when Papi grieves, he needs to be alone.

When I grieve, I need to be held.

I don't get to have that option.  I have to be alone in my pain, because I don't have friends here I can just call up and say, "Can you come over and just let me lie on your shoulder while I cry?"

Instead, I hold the Jake-a-Like.

True to his doppelganger, The Galloping Gazelle, he is the world's best cuddler.

When I needed him to just let me hold him, he didn't move.  He allowed me to do what I needed.

I was grateful.

I realize that I've fallen.

My depression has left me without seeing anything of worth in my life.

I know this is a lie my mental illness whispers to me.

I know there is so much in life to be grateful for, but when you fall into the Pit of Doom, sometimes, it's really hard to get out.

My Friend of the Angels helped.  She sent energy, and the next day, I had someone who I had been searching for, find me.

I was at the hardware store, like I seem to be every day with one or more of the workers, and he appeared.

He could see the pain in my eyes.

He told me, that living in this country is all about learning, that I'll never stop learning while I'm here, and to be prepared for that work.

He also told me that I have to keep my heart open, even when the worst is happening.

I told him I understood, and that my philosophy has always been, that when you stop learning, you die.

This morning, I want to live.

I have plans in place today to start finding my strength again.

To try to dig myself out of the Pit of Doom.

To find paradise in my soul.

I stopped working on myself, when friends abandoned me back home, then I became so busy trying to care for all the workers who needed me.

I forgot about me.

I also forgot, that when you have a chemical imbalance, a mental illness, it never rests.

It's never really 'cured'.  It lies waiting.  Every once in a while, it tests the waters to see how much power it can pull from you.

If you have enough in place to fight it, it can't come in.

Let your guard down for a few days, and dammit, but you're fucked.

I'm fucked.

But I am beginning again today.

The visit from my sweet little departed soul to tell me he's happy will help me.

He's an angel now, and he will be my strength for my first steps today.

I'm doing 10 days of hard working gratitude.

I do my gratitude every night, but I need to step up my game.

All day long.

Writing it on the walls.

And here.

Will you join me with writing yours here?

It would really make me happy.

the more grateful i am, the more reasons i find to be grateful

1. I am grateful for this blog to help me work through my emotions.
2. I am grateful for 'you' being here to support me, even when 'you' are anonymous.
3. I am grateful we now have a healthy bed to sleep in.
4. I am grateful for the hard work I did yesterday, washing laundry by hand.  I now have underwear.
5. I am grateful the heat heals my physical pain.
6. I am grateful I have friends who show me how much they love me.
7. I am grateful for friends who remind me, that if I ever left this planet, they'd be hurt.  I stay for their hearts sometimes.
8. I am grateful for people who stick with me, even when I'm at my worst.
9. I am grateful the angels brought me messages that all will be ok and that they are here.
10. I am grateful that the puppies make me laugh, to counter-balance when I want to kill them for destroying my underwear.


  1. I'm grateful for yours and E's friendship
    I'm grateful for my beautiful wife, when I see her face, my world feels better, just right
    I'm so very grateful for my amazing children, they make me laugh and fill my life with joy.
    I'm grateful for my friends who laugh with me and at me.
    I'm grateful for my job
    I'm grateful for my pets that make me feel loved everyday.
    I'm grateful for the warm sun when it comes out.
    I'm grateful for the Internet, it allows me to stay in touch with my family and friends all over the world.
    I'm grateful for my best friend, I miss her every day and can't wait to go see her again.
    I'm grateful for tattoos.
    And I'm grateful for the health I still have.
    I love you, hang in there love. Give E a hug from me.

    1. thank you for your gratitude. it sends me strength.
      i am grateful you love me. it keeps me strong. xoxoxo

  2. I am grateful that you posted yesterday - I was worrying after your power outage had you gone so long....

    I am grateful for this blog as I too believe that learning is constant and I have learned so much through this

    I am grateful that there are many of us who deal with mental illness and that we can support each other

    I am grateful for timing!!! Your words today about the pit, and to KNOW that there are reasons to pull ourselves back out...that it isn't FOREVER.... are what I need to hear today.

    I too send you energy Andrea. Thank you

    1. i'm so grateful i'm not alone in this struggle. it makes it that much easier to get back up.

      i hope your day has been better. mine has.

      thank you gillian xoxo

  3. I am grateful that I am able to post on your blog again. I've been with you through all the rough spots and I hope in some small measure you have felt my energy. :)

    1. i must have twister ... because i think about you frequently when i'm writing :)

      i'm grateful to see you smiley again xoxo


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