dear sir, you are loved.

So, there I was, amongst a bunch of people from our village at the Party At The Gas Station!!! the night I was practicing drunk crutching, and there was a moment that was more than a little difficult.

Homophobia is rampant here on this island of Dominican Republic and Haiti, and people can be killed for it.

Well, there was a young, flamboyant, out gay man out at the party.

The folks from our group looked to me to joke about this sweet soul with them.

I finally figured out what they were laughing at, realizing it was this lovely person whom I had greeted with a very friendly, "Hola!!" the moment he came in.

I thought he was a rock star for putting himself out there, and thought the girls he came in with were the best friends to have.

Real friends with real love.

The danger is very real, but he chooses not live in fear for whom he is.

He was splendid.

So, when I realized they were looking to me to join them in the belittling, I exclaimed, "You mean that beautiful man?!?!" I placed my hands on my heart to emphasize just how much admiration I had for him, continuing with as much zeal as I could, "He's SOOOOOO BEAUTIFUL!!"

Then, with as perky a positive attitude I could, I added, "He is wonderful and I LOVE him so much!" Hoping this would squelch the temptation to include me in the ritual of spitting out hateful comments.

I continued, "We have so many homosexuals in Canada.  It's wonderful!" not going into the truth of the matter, which is that there are plenty closeted gays here.

They all stopped and looked at each other, not quite sure what to say, or do, as they don't normally get this kind of reaction.

Then one of them said to the others, "Ohhhhh!  Canada."  They nodded, knowingly to one another that we think differently.

Papi said he didn't know how he'd deal with that.

However, Papi is in fear that they will figure out his secret.

It could be equally as dangerous.

I know that people are seriously in danger on this planet for being who they are, and it's a serious topic, but getting angry to teach people is not the answer.

With hate in their heart, people tried to accuse me of being racist and classist, and did it in such a mean hurtful way.

Their actions will never leave my soul.

But I do know, you don't have to be angry and hateful to teach people.

The people I was with that night got to see that there is a different way to react, even though they've been taught to react to adversely.

I wouldn't be able to teach anyone anything about homophobia in one night.

All they get to know, is that one person out there thinks that young guy is wonderful, special, and is loved.

That there CAN be a different reaction.

There is so much to be angry about in this world.

There is so much to take away from beauty, if we let it.

I certainly wouldn't be leaving myself approachable to anyone asking questions about the topic if I was an angry asshole.

I certainly wouldn't be influencing anybody if I treated people here the same way people I thought were 'friends' back home treated me.

Those expelling bad vibes are expunged from my life, and if any of them thought I had something to learn, and wanted to teach me, well, it's too late.

My spirit is closed to their negativity.

They were trying to spread more hate.

So much can be done with love.

Hate?

Nah.

You can't fight hate with hate.

Only love wins.

Dearest beautiful, gay man, you are SO loved!

i choose to stop apologizing for being me

be kind to one another

I remember once, I had to stop watching TV, because of what I saw.

Someone had killed a bear that was rampaging through neighbourhoods in search of food, and unfortunately, killed someone in that desperate search.

They pulled the bear up into the back of a pickup truck as if it were a sack of garbage.

I conceded.

I decided my heart was just too sensitive to deal with seeing these kinds of things.

It was good for me.  I threw away my TV and got on with life, realizing there is so much more to do than watch the bad news.

I realized that I would hear about the news if it was important enough.

Right now, things are important enough, and I'm having a hard time understanding the state of the human race.

Not to mention, automatically being clumped into the same category of supremacists because of the colour of my skin.

I read so much of what people posted about the brazen racism that is unfolding in this world in silence, as I felt I wasn't entitled to an opinion, even if I agree.

Some people were blatant about not being entitled to an opinion, when people said, "White people are not allowed to comment on this, even if they are in support."

However, even though they are excluding an entire race, we are not allowed to call it racism, discrimination, nor segregation.

It still hurts no matter what anyone calls it.

Indeed, two wrongs never make a right, but I kept reading, no matter how much it hurt to read how someone was treated for being a person of colour.

Then I googled one simple word and found more malice in antisemitism.  Don't read THIS if you are as sensitive as me.

Hatred comes in so many forms, and I realize now that people will use it in as many ways as they can.

I haven't been able to write the last few days from the pain of how people can treat one another.

Trayvoning?

Seriously?

How can people JOKE about the killing of a child?

I need to stop this roller coaster of witnessing venom in every corner.  I'm far too sensitive for this.

I need to continue with being who I am, doing what I do, knowing that I am not harming anybody with my intentions.

Rather, I am doing anything I can to uplift another person, knowing the damage others can bring by putting one another down.

I need to continue with the words of Mother Teresa, even if I'm not the religious person she is.  She is right, and spirituality comes in many fashions.

I feel, right now, that the world is on the brink of 'Divided We Fall'.

We have to come together to help each other and stop fighting.

The bad will take control if the good don't link arms in strength.

Please.  Be one of the good to help stop the hatred toward one another, no matter who we are.

We need to stay together to stay strong.

I'm taking a short break from surfing around Fecesbook for a few days.  I am far too sensitive for it.

I'll keep writing here.

I've been too afraid to voice my opinion, until this morning, when I realized that if there are people spreading hate online, I have every right to spread love.

This is not entitlement of being white.

This is entitlement of a human being.

Today's mantra from Ellen DeGeneres:

be kind to one another

stuck in traffic?

Oh, if you've ever been hard on yourself for falling, you will get this.

If you haven't, well, perhaps you're searching for a better understanding?

Be patient.

You will get your turn.

It's ok to fall and get back up, and anyone who can't handle it is too weak to see what it's like to topple and discover where it takes you.

If people around you can't cope with the honesty that accompanies pain, they obviously haven't succumbed to that experience, and are not worthy of your voice.

I get the message from those who equally show animosity toward us.  Your message is clear.

If you ever really want to know who doesn't like you all that much, and only tolerated you while you were around, move to another country.

It's so much easier to figure out now that we're an ocean away.

Very quickly you'll figure it out who your friends are, and you will fall when you have the knowledge of who truly isn't.

People don't have the possibility of seeing our face 'around' after they've been rude.

So, the snide comments and the lack of friendliness I receive, I understand the words you're not saying, even if you're too afraid to tell to be honest that you're on the hate the Hector-Brown bandwagon.

It's much easier to be inconsiderate than to ask someone what they've experienced.  It takes time and effort to find out what the other half of the story is.

Papi and I good with it.

Our friend pool got quite a bit smaller in a damn hurry, but we got to see what trust really is and what friendship really means.

Someone recently acquired the same treatment we inherited.

They've been left behind by the wolf pack 'community'.

Now they understand where we am coming from.

When you run with the wolves, you get pack treatment and are subject to pack mentality.

The lower in rank you are, well, you will have your turn to be tossed to the side by the almighty alpha, who tells everyone which trail they are 'allowed' to follow and what the 'rules' are.

I choose not to follow the pack.

You know when you take the main route and get stuck in a traffic jam?

Well, those of us who take a different route, rather than following the main road, get more mileage out of our gas, because we're not at a standstill, idling.

It may mean I feel more alone, and sometimes a little scary being on my own on this scenic route, but at least all my decisions are made by me and not the herd.

Not to mention, there's plenty of room to park on my avenue.

But if you choose not to turn off the main vein and continue to sit in the bottleneck, you won't have the liberty of stopping at that coffee shop I chose to take a break at.

You'll be stuck in the blockage of traffic, staring at red, illuminated brake lights, while sitting in congestion.

And I'll tell you, while I'm taking that shortcut, I'm not stuck in the stink and smog of all those who spew their filth into my air.

I sure can breathe well.

There's also so much more to see going my direction.

I hope you find your secret passage, but if you don't, be wary.

When you run out of gas and the gridlock leaves you behind, you will completely understand what I'm talking about.

Good luck finding someone else to help fill your tank.  Everyone will be passing you by to try to catch up to the traffic ahead of you.

If I see you on my stroll, I'll definitely help you out.

I have plenty of fuel to share.

I also have the time to hear your story.

i take great pleasure in my friends, even if disagree or have different lives

the oil of oregano dance

Oil of oregano is SO good for a virus.  It'll kick that bugger right outta there.

So, when Our Favourite was complaining that he had a cold, I decided to give him some.

I'm going to make some ginger tea for him today to keep up with the immune boosting and get him healthy, but last night I just didn't have the energy, so oil of oregano it was.

I warned him and Our Fave's Mom.  I made sure they both knew it would taste horrible so they were prepared for his reaction.

I had the eye dropper all poised and said, "Ready?" with a partial giggle, knowing that this would probably be the most horrid tasting medicine he would ever experience.

Buckley's ain't got NOTHIN' on oil of oregano.

Anyway, tongue up, drops in and blammo!  There it was!!  The oil of oregano dance!

Hopping around trying to spit it out.  Arms flailing as he tried to put his shirt up to his mouth to get the excess out.  I think I even saw an evil eye glare at me!

He could try and spit that stuff out all he wanted, but once it's under your tongue, the burn just has to work it's way out.

Our Fave's Mom laughed and laughed.

We know that sometimes, the best things for us are things that hurt, leave a bad taste in our mouths, or have us learning big lessons.

I had another lesson this week.  I was called racist again.

I understand a lot more about why people of colour would hate white people.  I see it in the workers here, when I see how white people treat them.

Even though I know I'm judged, I do my best to maintain a smile with the men in our yard, as I give them water all day long to keep them hydrated while they do good for us.

One of them absolutely despised me.  He just saw me as another white asshole.

One night, he was working late and alone, and the sun was going down.  He hadn't stopped for a dinner break, and we had some delicious pasta in the fridge, and I thought he was probably hungry.  Maybe he'd want it?

My dinner was chocolate, and I don't share that with anyone.

I didn't even think he would accept my offering, and battled with whether or not I should try to feed him, because he probably wouldn't want anything from me considering how much he abhorred me.

However, I meekly went out and offered, and was so pleased he took it.

Ever since I gave him dinner, he has been nice to me.  I suppose he's just like me; the way to his heart is through his stomach.

Now, he says hello in the mornings, and he has been the biggest help with giving me gardening tips.  Every time he sees me doing something wrong, he comes over and shows me the right way.

It's the greatest gift of all to me, a city slicker, who has only kept one plant alive in my life.

That was of course, until my motorcycle accident, and Papi was in charge.  That poor plant didn't last very long, but I'm keeping things alive as I get a lot of tips now.

Anyway, I understand how people of colour would hate white people.  It just hurts that there's absolutely NOTHING I could ever do right, because I was born white and am judged not by my actions, but by the colour of my skin.

An article I read, as I was trying to learn more about how people of colour hate us, was talking about a room full of white people who were there to learn more about racism.

The woman looked out amongst the mostly white crowd and said to herself, "It's still all about you."

Why?  Those people are doing their best to try to change things by learning more, but still, they're bad for being there.

Why is completely OK to be hated and put down because of being white?

I don't intentionally do anything to harm another person, no matter what colour they are, unless of course, you're an asshole to me, then you're fair game.

Yet, I'll never be able to do anything good enough and will always be hated by some because of my colour.

Lesson learned.  Damned if you do, damned if you don't.  Just accept being hated.

Every time someone from the 'community' calls me racist on that toxic social media site I call Fecesbook, they're added to the 'mean girls' list, and are hidden so they can't see anything on my wall.

I'll just be invisible to the haters, and take away their opportunity to attack me to look cool to the other assholes in the 'community' who yes, happen to be white.

I've learned that all that matters is that I know I try my best to help people in ways I feel are good for both of us.

All that matters is Our Favourite and Our Fave's Mom trust us to be part of the DR Family, no matter what colour we are.

I'll keep on doing my best, no matter how much people try to insult me.

i value and honour myself as i am

1st world problems in a 3rd world country

Did'ja miss me?

Or were you relieved my cheeky ass was gone from cyberspace?

Well, love me or hate me, I'm baaaa-aaaack.

We had a NASTY 5 days with no power.

No power means no water.

But more importantly, no internet and no contact with family and my dwindling list of friends that is now down to about the 5 people who care to stay in touch that I am grateful for.

Truly, quality NOT quantity.  The rest of them, well, buh-bye.  My Trust List has almost been abolished.

Each day that passed I became more depressed, thinking that this was it.  We will never have clean dishes or clean bodies again.

My hair looks like a fire hazard.

I'm supposed to look all purrrrrty today for Our Fave's Mom's baby shower.

Oh well.

I can do some kinda up-do-ish thing and give it a wrap to hide the frazzled ends that are, by now, turning into dreadlocks.

There's really no time today to try to wash that bitch out.  I'll need a weed eater to get through the mats.

The cockroaches are having a fucking fiesta with all the dirty dishes.

I managed to get one load cleaned while they thought they had the power going.

Then it was gone again and the rest of the dishes sat as a jungle gym for bugs.

The street power isn't working.  Our generators are not working.  And as soon as dusk hits, this house is blacker than black.

Kinda terrifying actually.

5 days.

We have our lanterns we walk around with, in hopes that we'll see the dog lounging on the floor BEFORE we kick the poor li'l critter.

Our guns are secured in the back of our undies when the night comes.

We're not taking any chances.

The bathroom water still isn't at full bore, but at least I can have a wench's bath; wet sponge, and applied to areas that could offend the general public.

I have layers of dirt on my dirt.

When I clean one layer off, then towel dry, the towel shows me that there is yet another layer that is in need of attention as the dirt rolls into tiny little balls on my skin.

How the hell could I ever be this dirty?!?!?!

I have what looks like permanent stains of dirt on my stomach.

No matter how hard I scrub, it just turns my skin red.

No, the dirt doesn't leave.  I think I need a power washer for that bitch.

Well, I woke to power in the house this morning, and the thrill of all thrills that I was able to talk to 'you'.

I don't know how long this will last.

However, there is one thing that I'm grateful for.

A gas range.

You don't need power to cook.

We also have bottled water, so I was able to drink water while I made sure I took my Prozac, to be sure I didn't have a nervous breakdown.

I also chased it down with a happy little clonazepam pill.

That kept me from climbing the walls and possibly going down to the electricity company and opening fire.

It also had me sleep all the way through workers working, and the Housemaid cleaning all around me.

Here in the Dominican Republic, they have a T-Shirt.

I really need it for when I realize that we're not in Kansas anymore.

It reads, "Remember Where You Are."

It's really hard for an East Van Princess.

Prince Papi seems to be handling it just fine.

Oh, but don't you worry, he will have his time where I'll be picking him up off the floor from something that has him in fetal position.

We take turns.

i have lots of friends

gee ... haven't had a hater in a while ...

Dear most recent commentator on my disclaimer:

You signed it from 'someone I did wrong to'.

I'm sorry, but you'll have to be more specific.  There are many who feel this way.

They're mostly people I don't agree with, and am not afraid to be verbal about it.

I'm thinking, you are either one of two most recent people I've pissed off:

a) A person who condones pedophilia and NMBLA that I informed I couldn't be your 'friend' because of it. (Oh, btw, do I need to alert the authorities about you?  Are you a predator raping children too, because they 'like it'?)

or

b) A person I couldn't be friends with anymore, because you felt I did 'nothing for you' and that your view is I am a racist, selfish asshole for not going broke and giving you everything I worked for.

Or you're less recent:

c) Someone who's been holding resentment for way too long.  Perhaps some therapy would help you stop obsessing over me?  But hey!  It's sure nice to know you think about me so much.

OK!  Let's get to the note shall we?  I'd like to say thanks for the advice on our well water.

Yup!  I'm completely aware we're living in filth, hence the fresh water well is almost finished.  We are fortunate that we didn't actually get a parasite.  We're both feeling much better now.  It was just a virus.  But thank you for your concern!

As for living in shit water, it's better than living with the shit that your head is swimming in right now.

At least I can wash it mine off with my water from my reverse osmosis machine.

Oh, and also, the advice on a raised veggie garden!  Thank you so very much, but I already have the model for my raised garden underway, but that info would have really helped me had I not.

Now, to say we have everything is a bit silly and exaggerating a tad.

We don't have everything, but dude next door?

Now, HE has everything.  Wowee you should see his place!  Acreage and a place for horses!  You'd hate him for sure!

Ours?  Well, it's what they call 'shabby chic'.  Papi and I are very fortunate that we could afford to buy it with inheritance Papi received and money I got from my accident.  It's a bit of a fixer upper, so we got it at a good price.  One day it will be worth a lot!

But, we don't have everything.

Maybe we have more than you, and that pisses you off, but with some hard work and a little good karma, I'm sure you'll get to where you need to be as well.

And of course I know we live in a developing country!  It's the only way we could afford to buy something, silly!  I'm finding really good people in this country.  Not all of them are out to harm us.  I've learned something I'm going to pass on:  it's not fair to generalize.

I thought I'd also let you know that we have a Colt .45 in case someone does try to murder us.  It really is nice to hear your concern for us, though.

Now, let's address the 'stupid girl' comment.

Fortunately for me, when I was undergoing all my testing after brain injury, I learned that my IQ is well above normal.

That's probably why I'm such a nutbar.  Hey!  Maybe that's your problem too!

So, perhaps what you're confusing for 'stupidity' is my issues with coherence and memory?  I do have troubles there.  These things happen after you fly through the air at 50 km/hr and land on your head.

However, you'll have to adjust your wording a little bit.

Maybe you could get a thesaurus?  They have lots of other words that would work for you.  Besides, 'stupid' is so boring.  I'm far from boring.

The last thing I want to address is the fact that I change names.

Of course I do!  I don't want to get sued!

And writing about people that piss me off?

That's why I have a blog in the first place!  To get things off my chest.

Kinda like I'm doing now.

So, if you'd like to continue calling me names, that's really ok by me.

Not sure if you've read my blog the last few years, but I have many haters, and none of their words or intimidation have stopped me yet.

Oh!

One more thing!

Fuck off.

all false messages about me are now dissolved in total grace

you don't know me.

Can I tell you how much I hate thieves without being called names for it?

Any colour, age, class, gender, nationality or any other difference someone has from one another, I hate thieves.

To me, 'they' are only one step below a sexual predator.

Yet somehow, Papi and I were called racist because we referred to the thieves here as 'they'.

I'm back in fucking pronoun hell just like I was a few years ago when I struggled with my love going through the male transformation.

I'm so fucking sick of the Vancouverite, uber politically correct people and their finger pointing.

We got nothing but trouble from the 'community' in Vancouver for NOT being perfectly dishonest.  We thought we escaped it by coming here.

Well in the world of social media, 'they' just attacked us on Facebook instead.

We are supposed to keep our mouths shut about everything and anything that we don't like.

If we don't, we're called racist, transphobic, selfish, you fucking name it.

'They' stole from us, the thieves, yet we're called racist for being upset, because 'they' are of colour and from a developing country.

For fucks sakes.  The Pool Man's wife is Dominican and she's the one telling us how almost all the people will scam us here and how we've already been robbed.

Yet we're being racist by calling thieves 'they'.

I came here with so much love.

I poo-poohed anyone who said it's not a good idea give to the people here.

'They', who poo-poohed me, said, "If you give, they'll take too much and rob you."

I didn't believe it.  We wanted to give, give, give.

Give, give, give we did.

We brought gifts and every day we unpacked them we gave it to people we thought would be family.

What did we get for it?  Robbed.  I've now noticed my toiletries have dwindled in only 2 weeks of being here.

I wanted to bring my favourite treats to the people in my village when we got here as a 'hello' and 'thank you for letting me be here in your space'.

Now I won't.  Instead, I'll give my time to an organization where I can leave afterward without anyone knowing where we live.

We have a security guard in which we are overcharged for, but we keep paying it until the pool and walls are done.

Yet still, every time I go out to bring him water, juice, pop, beer, snacks he asks for more money, because he says his baby is starving, then turns around and tells me his baby is drinking lots of milk from the mother.

Sorry, but we are paying you fairly for your job.  We are not stealing from you.  We are giving.  We are not being selfish, but we are not responsible for the well being of every person we know.  We are dependent only upon ourselves.

We really can't afford to pay him, the house maid and gardener and are running out of money, but we hired people because we were told it helps the 'community'.

Yet we're called selfish because we don't want to be broke and living in a shack.

I received a settlement for my motorcycle accident, and we're selfish because we chose to give ourselves a dream life with the money.

Instead, we were basically told we deserve to be robbed because of it.

Let me tell you, if a white, Canadian asshole robs me, I hate them just as much.

Yet because we've come to another country where we're the foreigner, if we vent our feelings about things we worked hard for being stolen, we're called racists and selfish.

One person thought that because 'they' were stealing and are so broke, we should wrap up our things in a gift with a nice big bow, as to say, "Here.  You need this."

To thieves it will say, "Here.  Thank you for stealing from us.  You're welcome to take anything you like because we are just weak, stupid pushovers."

To some people, we're supposed to just take it and give them chance after chance.

I'm sorry, but there are no second chances.  I won't be fooled again.

Today, no matter what the uber politically correct say, I will not allow myself to eat in anger.  That was 2 nights in a row that I used food as a drug to soothe my emotions and both nights wound up nauseas, feeling crappy and having visits from the Anorexia Monster.

Go ahead.  Call me what you want.

I don't fucking care what you think about me and who you think I am.  You have no fucking idea.

I know in my heart I'm a good, generous person who came here with loving intentions and got fucked over for it.

i am aware of my eating habits and how they affect my moods

peace on earth, well, for me anyhow

I'm doing so much better with my anger toward zealots who use religion for hate.

I really am feeling less angry, and it's a much better way to live.

I'd like to share with you what I found on the internet some time back:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians??

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbours. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wriggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I couldn't even look at the word g*d without feeling anger to the point of turning red, suffering with my heart pounding.  I would use the above as a way to fight.  Now I see it as a way for my own peace.

The bible was written by mere mortals, pen in hand, in hopes to gain power over people, not love.

My anger stemmed from being exposed to mean nuns when I was raised.  I realized, if these were g*d's people, then I wasn't a fan of this g*d.

Also, as a tiny child, I prayed best way I knew how for my life to get better.  It only got worse.  I then decided there was no g*d and was vehemently against anyone who could ever believe in such crap.  It was my only way to survive this world of hate and anger.

I still don't believe in a g*d, but I'm definitely a firm believer in spirituality amongst astral beings that surround us.

I believe in angels.  Nothing has ever swayed me on this position.

Anyway, my point is, now that I'm starting to allow myself my own spirituality, I'm having so much less anger around that three letter word.

It sure feels a lot more peaceful.  I've spent way too many years seeing the word g*d as a synonym for bad because of all the anger I saw in people who believed.

I can now just put two 'o's in the middle and turn it into something I can believe in:  good.

I believe in good.  I believe we all have the power to reach one another with collective love.  One by one, we can change each person in the world, and change the anger and hate into acceptance of one another.

Last night, I set my alarm and woke up bright and early at the crack of 3:30 am Vancouver time.  This was to meditate with the rest of the people in the world who were celebrating the solstice and asking for peace on earth.

You would never catch me waking from my beauty sleep for anything in the past, but I did it last night.

I didn't feel anything like I did from my Soul Activation, but my intent was there.  I sent my positive energy out as best I could, and imagined myself breathing with the rest of those who were doing the same.

Even if I can't feel the angels all the time, they're there.  They are fleeting and will expose their energy when they see fit.

The angels are here and I have so much more peace.

i welcome, and am open to receive all abundance that comes

my, what big balls you have, papi!

Oh, the mischief Papi gets into!  Only this time, he's a hero.

I've told you about The Beast, right?  She, who rendered me homeless with a 'packing party', changing the locks so that I returned 'home' from a 16 hour shift to being 'homeless'?

Her hideous behaviour is no less loathsome than the people who stood on the balcony, barfing out their obscene loyalty to The Beast.  They were looking down at me snickering as if to say, "Ha ha!  Na-na n'na-na!  We fucked you up, bitch!"

Who does that?  Who has that kind of evil in them that they would think this is OK?

Oh yeah!  Right!  The kind that have so much hideous hatred, that they would laugh at my misfortune of being in a wheelchair after the brain injury from my motorcycle accident.

That's who.

Anyway, Papi and I saw one of them at a store today.

Wait!  I have to back up before I tell you the punchline of this story.  Oh, let's see if I can do this in a short version.

The reason The Beast dumped me, was because she was getting back together with her ex-girlfriend.  That's why she made me homeless; to make room for the new relationship.

Now, I feel so sorry for this woman getting caught in the web of The Beast.  She didn't know what she was getting into!

Anyway, they got married after I sued The Beast, and now, the Sweet Ex is now suing her as well!

Oh, but wait!  It gets better!

I've become very close friends with this Sweet Ex.  She is one of the most loving friends I have.  We're so very similar, but then, that makes sense, ya know?  Predators only go after a certain 'type' they know they can abuse.

OK.  I hope I've set up the scene for you.  Let's get back to one of the Balcony Barfers we saw in the store today.

This one tried so very hard not to 'notice' me.  Oh, come on!  Everyone was staring at me because of my ridiculous leg warmers I was wearing.  That and I had my hair out and proud.  I looked like a walking cartoon of a full on femme.

I was most definitely seen and was most definitely avoided.

Papi said to me, "I feel like I need to say you deserve an apology."

I texted the Sweet Ex to giggle with her about the Balcony Barfer experience, and she said, "Oh, Papi should do it!"

We didn't expect it, but as they neared around the corner, Papi did it.

I couldn't believe it!

He just spurted it out like he knew the Balcony Barfer, "You should be ashamed of yourself and for how you all treated her!"

"Excuse me?" was all that could come out of the Balcony Barfer's mouth.

Papi continued, "You should apologize for what you did."

Unfortunately, the Baclony Barfer hasn't grown enough to apologize.  All I got was a shake of the head combined with an, 'Oh, come on!"

Nope.

I still don't get an apology.  I probably never will.  This clique will stand by their actions as they terrorize the Sweet Ex as well.

Some people can never admit they've been an ass.  If I get an apology, I'm usually more than happy to give someone the benefit of the doubt, because I know how much of an ass I've been in my life and I'm the first to admit it.

Of course, I had to call the Sweet Ex and tell her that Papi is our fearless lion!  We had such a playful time bobbing in Papi's wake!  Nobody ever stands up to these people.  Somehow, to the weak, they're admirable?

Hell no!

Admirable is my hero husband, calling out one of the Balcony Barfers for what they are: a shame.

Indeed, that male transformation is complete.

Papi has big balls.

i forgive every person who has undermined my self-esteem

Here's to you, Chaz Bono!

So, yesterday, I was pissed about the she/he comments on a Facebook photo of Chaz Bono.

It had actually started out that people were saying horrible things about his weight.  He has been verbal about asking for help with his weight loss, so somehow, this give people the green light to say hurtful things.

However, it went even further.  On this one post, he has been harassed about his weight, then disrespected with his gender, and now, called disgusting by some cretin.

On all three accounts, I got my nips in a knot.

But really?  Disgusting?

His exact words: "She was disgusting as a women and is disgusting as a man, give us a break."  It hasn't stopped there.  He's still going on about it, yet he's only 1 person.  There are more on others pages in others worlds.

This is how our children learn how to bully.

This is the evil people ape, spreading the virus of hate to another sheep soul who can't think for themselves yet.  This is a disease that gets passed from one to another.

I've never been a fan of Chaz as in, "Ooooh, he's my idol!!!" but I am a fan of his wife.  Understandably, I relate to her in a very deep way.

However, I do see Chaz as a human being who is being exceedingly judged by the public.

For that, I see him as damn brave, and I'm finding great respect for his difficult journey.

He put himself out there as a mainstream trans person, to blaze a trail for more people to have a safer place in this world.

Of course he's going to attract people who will mock him and say horrible things, because he's the first celebrity to make the word 'transgender' more common.

We are slowly seeing the world accept gays, lesbians, bisexuals, ad infinitum 'labels' we could think of being accepted country by country, person by person.

We are also seeing more countries in the headlines, jailing people for loving someone of the same sex.  People are being told it's 'illegal' in some countries to have love for another person.

Even still, something's happening.  The world is finally waking up and we, of our lifetime, get to see it with our own eyes.

It's an amazing time for people to start thinking differently.

I know that I have.  I started out with fears and quite a bit of ignorance.  Papi taught me how to live life of higher esteem.  He has given me the grace to go through all the feelings, until I finally made it to this place of seeing who and what a transgender person deserves.

A transgender person is a human being that is worthy of respect and dignity.

That's all we need to do is treat each other with courtesy.

No matter how big someone is.

No matter what someone's sexuality or gender is.

No matter how mentally ill someone is.

No matter what colour someone is.

No matter what heritage someone comes from.

We are all human beings and we are all sharing this planet.

Nobody is disgusting.  Perhaps, their actions are.  Perhaps their words can be.  

As are my rotting dishes in the sink.

... my g*d ... where's the dish fairy when someone has the flu, bitches?!?! ...

Anyway, I'm having a lot of, "You really piss me off!" moments over these last few days and what I can say is, it's because I'm paying too much attention.

When I think too much, I get angry.

I like my bubble.

I like to think that the world is full of positivity and love.

I hate it when someone bursts my little happy place.

Chaz, I'm proud of you.  For all you are enduring, you are becoming my hero.

i am grateful for my teachers

doomsday? really?

There was a truly horrific bandaid emergency again this morning.

I got the panicked phone call.  "Honey!  Can you have the Bandaids, wipes and Polysporin ready?!?!"

I waited patiently for the apocalyptic disaster to come through the door, however, there was no blood.  It was pretty uneventful, I must say.

I thought it would be awful, considering the anxiety I woke up with, as if perhaps, I was seeing the future, but nope.

Tell me, do you ever get this?

I woke up, and within seconds my stomach was in knots, I was physically shaking and all I wanted to do is peacefully perish in fetal position, cocooned in the warmth and protection of blankets.

I waited for the reason for the angst to came to mind, however, there's nothing to be afraid of today.  It's a lovely day.

Still, my mind decided to make it out to be a day to be in fear of.

... ah ptsd ... you really are a mother fucker ain't'cha? ...

I don't get it.  The sun is shining, I don't feel like my eating disordered thinking is dogging me, I'm not tormented by a horrible image in the mirror, the cats are all getting along and I have exciting up and coming dreams to think about with Papi.

There's nothing that I can put my finger on that would be worthy of that amount of stress to wake up to, but still, I wake up with agonizing doomsday feelings.

Why?!?!?

Maybe, it was leftovers from the weekend from hell I just had, where I had to read through 4 years of reports and make timelines, not to mention comb through my blog.

Honestly, reading through my blog was really, really good for me.

I saw the amazing growth I've had, and saw all the toxic words that people hate me for.

I understand why they would feel that way, coming from their side, but they have to be able to understand my side as well.

My side was not to be belittled and hated for.

My side is the same, distressed side, so many of the other half have felt.

I needed to learn, grow and let go of fear.

I did that.  I saw myself do it week after painful week, tear after agonizing tear.

I see so much more of the male my love feels is there.  I actually don't see my butch as much anymore.  My views have shifted and I have grown.

I have apologies for the harmful words that made people feel like they were 'ugly', or worse, for being an F-M.

Those were achingly hurtful for me to see.  I would never want people to feel bad from my overt pain, but I did.

I said bad things in my disturbed fear.  I don't see anybody as those horrid things that may have come across as an attack, when really, it was an offense against myself and lack of experience.

I see so many of my trans friends as gorgeous, strong, amazing humans.  These friends are absolutely more special than I could have ever imagined.

The friends I've made through this gargantuan journey definitely make up for the anguish I went through with those who don't understand me, and my peers who have felt how I felt, but were too uncomfortable to say it all along their own odyssey.

The haters?  Not so beautiful.  When you're ugly on the inside, well, it doesn't shine through on the outside.

I'm not ashamed of the immensely, heavy feelings I had.

I'm so damn proud to be where I am, and even more honoured of the people who stuck by me, even while I had so much to learn.

You gently and lovingly taught me well.  I adore you.

Ahhhhh ... I believe I feel a little less anxious now.  Could it be the coffee?

Nope.  It's the fact that I wrote it all out and got it all out of my head.

This blog truly saves me.

my life is filled with joy, love and friendship.  all i have to do is stop the criticism, forgive, relax and be open

fuck you starbucks.

I'm on a mission and I need the help of all my Blogger Friends.

Do you go to Starbucks?

I don't really support them all that much, as I support local, ethical coffee shops that have organic coffee, but occasionally I will.  If it's a choice between a shop with no non-dairy substitutes ...

... ahem TIMMIES!!!! you mother fuckers ... how many letters do i have to write?!?!? ...

... or Starbucks, of course I'll go there, because I HATE black coffee.

Unless there's cinnamon brewed into it.

But I won't be getting into talking about my perfect, Dominican style coffee I make every morning.

Anyway, now I have even more reason not to support Starbucks.

Their honey.

That's right.

OK.

So, they've started using these 'packets' of honey instead of the traditional honey bear or some other variation of honey jar.

First of all, this is extremely non-environmental.

Second of all, the fucking honey goes all over my hands!

Third of all, I can't rip the packets open with my teeth, because of my Brace Face! 

There's also the gross thought of the person before me, having picked their ass, not washed their hands and reached into that bowl of packets with their cruddy, germ infested fingers.

... shudders ...

So!

I've started asking them for scissors.

Here's what I want everyone to do!

Ask for scissors!

What will happen is they'll get sick and fucking tired of grabbing the scissors, not to mention they'll have to clean them off all the time, and they will switch back to the honey bear.

Then there's the fact that some of those scissors will go missing and that will be very costly for them.

I'm on a mission folks!

Help me make a change to their ridiculous honey situation.

In order for little ol' me to make an impact, I'd have to spend a gazillion bucks to make them crazy, and I really don't like giving a big corporation my money if I don't have to.

Will you help me?

If you support Starbucks, ask for scissors for their honey and get the honey all over the scissors too!

That would make them even more insane!

It's also kinda fun to watch the barista roll their eyes when you ask for them.

It's the only way I can think of.

Short of us all writing an email.

We all know nobody's going to do that.

Well, except for me. 

I did, but I'm kinda crazy that way.

i have the power to realize my goals

Is this parenting?!?

I get to have lunch with my mother today.

We're working on our friendship and I'm really happy about it.

It seems to be a regular routine every Thursday now.  I go do my physio, then, while my body is cooling down and the ouch is setting, we chow down on lunch.

And chat.

Having told my mom that I felt she was never proud of me, she seems to be listening to my dreams instead of criticizing them now.

We are all different, and just because we come from the blood of another family member doesn't mean we have the same thoughts, views or feelings in this life.

I follow dreams, while others may follow the norm to feel secure in this world.

I've learned that there really is no security in this world.  Anyone who trusts in the security of this life will be in for a learning experience.

Which isn't so bad, as far as I can see.  Learning is why we're here, and every day is a new adventure!

We can make plans all we want, but it doesn't mean life is going to follow our wishes.

Life has it's own plans.  Life will never be fair.  It will be a balance of good and bad, and our only hope to get through it, is to focus on the good it brings.

Hard to see the good in this one, however.

Here's a jack-off who really believes he can change his son's sexual orientation by buying him anything he wants:

Now I know why all the fags of the world have so many good toys in their lives!

Daddy tried to bribe them with money!

All daddy is going to get is a hefty credit card bill and a son who really knows what love means, and it probably won't be for his father.

I had to dig a little to figure out if this was a joke.

It's not.

This mother fucker deserves all the strife he has with his son.

His anger and homophobia will eat him alive, cell by cell, while he rots his spirit to blackness.

Hopefully it will happen before his son matures, so that his son can live a life that is peaceful without having to deal with his fuckwad of a father in it.

Anger can really do a number on us.  If we live with it so deep, it truly will kill us.

Heart attack.  Cancer.  Stroke.

You name it, your homophobia will get'cha.

This is the only hope we have for these 'humans'; that they will die off like the dinosaurs.

Hopefully they'll die off before they brainwash too many youngins to think that they're horrible people because they love someone of the same gender.

I was 13 when I started to realize that I had feelings for girls.  I cowered in my fear for years before I could bravely tell my homophobic family members the truth.

If we're lucky, there comes a point when you can't scare us anymore.

This kid who's being coerced by his father by way of financial gain will find his strength.  I'm sure of it.  He's seeing the fun of getting anything he wants, plus seeing his loves on the side.

He'll lurk in the shadows with his lovers and collect all daddy's shiny gifts ...

... dude, i'd be asking for a porsche and a house before you out yourself!  get the good stuff! ...

... until he's realized that he doesn't need the security of his father's wishes.

It will come.

When it does, let's hope to hell this kid posts a Craigslist add about how fucking hard his father took it.

it's not about getting a chance, it's about taking a chance

nervous

I'm going for a job interview today.

I'm really only looking for a day or two a week.

We have to see if I can handle it.

As my doc said, "Let's see if it doesn't kill you."

I'm sorta nervous.

Mostly because I say silly things when I'm nervous.

Put an interview for a job in the mix of nervous, and anything could come out of my mouth.

Last two interviews were cut short.

One, because I was not able to lift more than 20 lbs.

The other, because she immediately berated me because my animal experience wasn't on the résumé.

Yeah.

I figured non-traditional training wasn't right to put on there.

However, in the crankiest way possible, she told me so.

Anyway, this job is with small and exotic animals.

I know I can pick those up on a good day.

I think they should just hire me to be the door greeter for all the animals like they do at Wal-Mart.

I'm good at greeting.

Animals like me.

People on the other hand?

It's hit or miss.

I'm one of those that you either love or hate.

I'm cool with it, because the people who love me, love me greatly!

None-the-less, I'm nervous.

I still hope they love me.

I can't think of a better day job than to be surrounded by fuzzy, scaly or feathered critters of love.

Except those creepy crawly ones.

I don't want to be in the building when someone brings their pet tarantula in for a check up.

... shudders ...

However, I gotta run now.

My coffee isn't finished like it usually is before my blob/blab.

It's a tragic way to start the day.

to be beautiful means to be yourself.  you don't need to be accepted by others, you need to accept yourself ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

i am the fucking honey badger

Ok.  I'm mother fucking bitchy.

I spent the day yesterday at a 9.5 pain level.  10 would mean I passed out from the pain, or couldn't lift a limb.

I got sent home in an emergency cab.  They wanted to send me to the hospital, but I assured them, "All they are going to do is pump me full of drugs and send me home."

I would rather go home and pump myself full of natural drugs thank you very much.

So, today I'm mother fucking miserable, hence, with my bitchiness comes the inevitable bad feelings I am responsible for creating, from the actions of others.

On a good day, I am the honey badger.  I just don't give a shit.

However, when I've had to take pills for the pain to knock me out so I can sleep at night, well, Hurricane Andréa steps in and I feel the need to spit out the feelings that are like venom in my heart and head, so I can make room for good emotions.

There can't be both up there, so I need to get the shit out, and now, I will.

Well, I must be pretty powerful.

People block me on Facebook and G+.

Not because I stalk them.

Not because I'm verbally abusive to them.

Not because I spread hateful words about others there.

... no ... i just vent about them here to 'you', my imaginary friend ...

But because they like to collectively ostracize others, like a high school gang.

Good god, I hope these people aren't considering bringing up children.  What will they teach them about bullying?

Normally, I don't really mind being blocked, because then I don't have to see their ridiculous posts that are full of hate, or pompous words to try to make them out to be better than everyone else.

It actually weeds out what I am forced to see, leaving me with only positive, loving, inclusive people's words.

So, I suppose they've actually done me a favour, but damn, I must be powerful to have that kind of affect on people, eh?!?!

I'm really relating to quotes about honesty and truthfulness lately.  They're helping to keep me within my own inner power of peace and honesty.

I can't find the quote anymore, but my very favourite goes something like this: being truthful will make you enemies in those who have fear about your strength, but it will also win you good honest people.

It will bring us people who can handle the truth, and talk it out with us, and perhaps, people who can help us see the other side of the coin.

Abraham Lincoln said, "Truth is generally the best vindication against slander."

Only problem is, when you have a group of people telling lies about you, there is always and inevitably sheep who will believe their handlers.

One important thing the sheep have to remember is this Bosnian Proverb: Who lies for you will lie against you.

I am fortunate to be enriched with those who love me for my honesty.

I actually opened up to another person and told them who the 'mean girls' are, but, that backfired.

I won't go into details, because that's just negativity that doesn't need to be hashed out, but I see the truth in their game.

I'm not hurt.  I'm more enriched.  One more weed to pluck from my garden.

My Trust List has begun to shrink a little lately, but it's all cool.

I have enough hearts I've collected in my basket that the other ones I've taken out won't be missed.

Yeah, it hurts, but 'hurt' is just an emotion, and it won't kill me.  It's just a human feeling that will cease the moment I fill it with love.

So, block me bitches. 

'honey badger don't give a fuck'

Times. They are a changin'.

photo by Jezebel

It's only the beginning.

There is so much more we need to do to help heal those who have been harmed by homophobia and transphobia.

So many people are saying it's a 'risky' move before an election, but it's also a good move for humanity and morality.

I hope that this will help the thousands of homeless kids out there, who have been harmed by the ridiculous hatred from their families, who have been brain washed by religious leaders, who's hearts are filled with hate.

I hope that these kids who have come of the age to vote, will actually get out there and make a move to vote to keep this person fighting for them.

It's only the beginning.

For those of us who have our own struggles with acceptance, I hope that it transforms us as well.

I say us, because I'm looking at myself.

Where I was a year and a half ago, experiencing my love's male transformation, was a far cry from where I am now.

I know that my views have evolved.

We all have the ability to evolve.

If we want to.

I wanted to.  I wanted to be able to love mi esposo with the same eyes that saw him as a perfect butch I married.

He is still perfect.

As a matter of fact, he's even more perfect now.

He's a whole person, who is on a path to find himself, and I am only the lucky one to be walking along side of him on his journey.

The person who was in emotional hell a year and a half ago is not the same today.

Those thoughts that I had were terribly hurtful, yet people loved me through them.

My true friends allowed me to have those feelings, they steered me in the right direction, and they supported me when I needed it.

They watched me transform.

Unlike the Hen Peckers, mean girls and haters that I had to face, truly good people held me until I was ready to say, "I love my transgender husband.  He is perfect." 

Ah, the roller coaster of life.

When you're sliding down that hill, it can be exhilarating, or it can be scary if we don't know what to expect around that bend.

The moments where we get to come back up the hill are our times to reflect.

We might even feel the tendency to say, "Do it again!  Do it again!"  The fact that this ride comes around full circle is healing.

We can choose to step off the ride and say, "Damn that was fun!" or we could leave with a sick feeling in our stomach.

Either way, we got through it.

Personally, I love a good roller coaster.  I love the thrill.  I also love the thrill of life.

After the pain subsides, I am free to love the surprises we get, as I'm also given moments of reflection.

The same week a country's leader made a bold statement, my mother actually invited me to a Mother's Day Brunch.

I am shocked and impressed.  She really is going against Mr. Homophobia's wishes.

It's nice to see my mother fighting for my love.

It may be a small step to her, but to me? 

Massive.

Times.  They are a changin'.

what would you do if you were NOT afraid?

tears for papi

You know what I think?

I think that Papi and I have been tested up the wazoo, and I think we're on to the next examination of our devotion to each other.

We've survived my motorcycle accident, along with all the brain injury and physical hell that my love has had to endure while watching me struggle to heal.

We've survived a horrible miscarriage, where I had 2 emergency D&Cs, 3 trips to ER, followed by the realization that perhaps, I can't carry a child to full term.

We've survived my love going through male transformation.

We've survived being ostracized by hateful crud in the 'community', who did their best to crush our hearts.

This has all happened in 4 years.

Well, we're now on to another chapter of survival in our relationship.

We're both going through life issues that are not the same, however, we're doing it at the same time.

Today, I begin working on dealing with my past of sexual/emotional abuse, abandonment, and low self-esteem due to my upbringing.

My love lost his mother at the tiny age of 10 and has never really worked on his issues, but now that G'ma is going downhill, he can see her time is coming, and I'm so grateful that he's going for support to deal with his grief.

It breaks my heart to see him in such pain.

We were upstairs organizing our recycling together, when we noticed G'ma didn't eat her dinner.

We tried to give it to her, but she said she's not hungry.

Alzheimer's will do this.

We're seeing all the typical textbook symptoms come to light now, and this is putting my love into a very difficult place; It's bringing up everything from the loss of his mother at such a young age.

It's interesting that we've both had stuff come up from our upbringing at the same time.

My dear sweet Papi is hurting so bad right now, and is afraid that I'll see his worst side and not be able to take it.

I'm not sure if my love has really taken a look at Hurricane Andréa lately, but she is not one to back down from any emotional challenge.

I didn't stick around after the year of grieving from losing my butch, only to take off after a difficult time comes up.

We're two peas in a fucking pod, I'll tell ya.  The 'CooCoo Couple'.

Even still, by having two people who know what it means to work on personal issues, we're very fortunate that we both understand.

My heart breaks to watch my love witness his G'ma getting worse.  It breaks my heart to see his tears roll down his face as he sees G'ma fading.

The one thing I do know is, he will get better.

Everything gets better with time, if you work on it.

Everything works out, no matter how hard it is at the time, even if it's not the result we want.

Between the two of us, our reasons for healing are different, but we're in the same car on the road to get there, we'll just take turns driving.

There is so much work for both of us to do on our own ends, but we'll do it with love, and some more tears.  Not to mention, a few more difficult passages through our own personal hell.

All I know is, I'm ready to be Papi's advocate, support, and caretaker when the time comes for him to fall.

I'm also ready to start my counselling today.

After all the intake has been done, and my case presented to the BigWigs who decide whether or not I get free counselling for 6 months, I've been accepted.

Congratulations Andréa!  You're nuts enough for the government to pay for your counselling!!

I look forward to being even stronger and happier, even if I'm terrified to look at my past.

i am willing to let go

plethora!!!

I'm not even sure I told 'you', my imaginary friend, about the sweet little interview we did.

Click HERE!

I wanted to embed it, but for some reason, it ain't happenin'!

So, you'll have to click the link and get to the good stuff there.

It's an online show by RightOutTV that this generous music making couple did with us.

We were part of their 3rd show, and I wish nothing but the best for them in their venture!  It's great to have people who are so supportive in this world.

Tomorrow, we'll be shooting another music video, only this one will be live!

I get to sing my favourite BlueLight song, 'No Pearls of Wisdom', which is the last song on our current CD, "On The Edge," while Lin tinkers away at a grand piano.

It's not my upright baby grand piano, but rather, some fancy dancy one at a super duper studio!

I'll hook you up with it once it's online as well.

Now, I'd like to vent about religion.

Religion pisses me off.

... yeah, yeah, yeah, i go on about zealots ... what fucking ever ...

Being raised around a bunch of abusive nuns who, in turn, trained more of my family to be hateful, my Catholic upbringing was less than accepting of anyone who wasn't just like them.

Which I wasn't.

Here's a young man who has believed in his religion, and has now been failed by it, like many others who have been hurt by their ridiculous views.

Click HERE!

I wanted to embed that one as well, but for some reason, my links keep defaulting to Angry Birds.

... whatever, google gods! i found a way to beat your silliness ...

This lovely young person was invited to be a keynote speaker for his baby brother's graduation, but then his opportunity was revoked, because the Bishop of the school found out he was gay.

Here's a lovely Facebook page to support him on: Let Dominic Speak.

Click HERE for the petition to sign.

Ok.

Have I given you enough to do on this rainy Vancouver Saturday?  Or sunny 'n hot beautiful land in the midwest USA?  Or whatever place in the world you're reading from.

Hello Russia!  Been noticing you hang around a lot these past few weeks!  Welcome to you!

Anyway, I just finished the practise with Lin, and we're ready to go for tomorrow.

I'm so sorry to Papi who is trying to sleep off the Graveyard Coma.

And now, I get to go make more drum loops for us to use.

I hope your day brings you joy.

never let success go to your head and never let failure get to your heart

'Community'?!? Not bloody likely.

Not sure if I'm too keen on this 'community' thing anymore.

All my life I've known that one on one friendships have been the best way to go for me.

Since a young age, I've witnessed people traveling in herds.

What I've noticed, is it seems that when people travel in herds, they lose their independent thinking.

Someone will decide that nobody is allowed to be friends with a certain person and the rest will agree and follow.

Sounds a bit like high school, or even kindergarten right?

It's not.  It's right here in the 'adult' gay 'community'.

I'm a one on one person by heart, mostly because I can only trust one person at a time.

As soon as people start traveling in herds and listening to The Grand Poohbah whomever he, she, it or they may be, then they can't seem to make an informed decision by themselves.

It's no wonder I retreat and only share one on one time with people who have earned my trust.

I just found out the Hen Peckers have done the same thing to a third kind-hearted, sweet-souled person I know. 

I have also learned about in fighting and accusations from one person to the next.

Not to mention all the people who decide that anyone who isn't versed well in the transgender community are to be deemed 'transphobic' while they try to learn about our brave new world.

What the fuck is going on here?!?!

Each and every loving person in my life has been affected by this ridiculousness.

Why the hell can't we be kind to one another?  Why the fuck can't we be mature and talk out our differences?  Why the fuck can't we grow up?

I'll stick to my one on one hangouts thank you very much.

Every person I love, who treats me with love, is deserving of my friendship.

I don't give a flying fuck who said what to whom.

I don't give a flying fuck about lies and accusations meant to harm another individual's reputation in the name of jealousy.

I don't give a mother fucking shit about the 'mean girls' anymore. 

... trust me ... 'mean girls' is only a name ... there's plenty of 'mean girls' in the form of male as well ...

They can rot in their stew of hatred that seems to be bubbling and running over the edges.  Yeah, we have to smell the abhorrent burning flesh as it hits the red hot burners, searing in it's fate.

How can people be so heartless?  How can the 'community' hold any one of these individuals up on a pedestal?

We need to open our eyes.

There's so much going on out there with the young ones being bullied, but what about adults?

I'd love to say it gets better to these young ones, but honestly, it can't.  I'm glad I never made my 'it gets better' video for my friend, because it would have be a lie.

Life only gets better if we're lucky enough to not have fallen prey to people who still bully as an adult.

So, no, I'm sorry.  It doesn't really get better.  We just make better choices as to who to spend our time with.

Fucking well knock it off everyone!

We all need to fucking heal from the bullshit that is being passed around our people.

How the fuck can we call this a 'community' when there's so much hatred?

At this point, as far as I'm concerned, there is no 'community'.

There are only individuals who are good-hearted that we can pick and choose to support us, and then there are the bullies in their gangs.

I'm so goddam fucking sick of it.

Grow the fuck up.

when i am surrounded by love, i can do anything

change

I just had such a lovely lunch with a lovely friend.

Like I said, my friends will fill me with as much love as I need.

She also reminded me that these same 'mean girls' haven't learned how to grow up yet and subsequently, don't know how to communicate around adversity.

What if they lovingly told me what I wrote at the beginning of this journey was 'wrong' in their eyes?

Then I would listen to their side and they would never have to be horrid toward me.

When a friend suggested I use a disclaimer, I saw her opinion as a great way to begin my learning.

Her point was completely valid.  These were my feelings, and not everybody feels this way.

It was my way of working out how to deal with such a huge issue in my mind.

I understand that a lot of what I've written in the past, especially at the beginning, could be taken as very hurtful to Papi and others who are in the process, or have gone through the male transformation.

However, my views around everything have changed and are continuing to change for the better.

I understand the I have P.T.S.D. from past assaults and abuse at the hands of bio-males.

I see where all my fear was lying.  I had to wade through a lot of mixed up feelings to get to the crux of the matter.

But hey, I'm starting my therapy for all this pretty soon ...

... although i'm sorry to say i was supposed to already have an appointment and forgot ... brain injury ... so much fucking fun all the fucking time ...

I'll have more healing and learning to share with you.

I also understand that hearing things that are hurtful would place a certain amount of fear in those who now choose not to trust my feelings.

I see that.

I also see that the hearts that surround me have never done too much to really 'side' with my feelings, they just 'sided' with my heart.

They supported my heart until I could support it on my own.

They told me when I was wrong.

They didn't try to hurt me for already hurting.

These are true friends who are familiar with honest feelings, and didn't disown me for them.

They are open honest hearts who recognized when it was time to lift someone up, not bury them further in their hole.

However, the biggest part of this that we needed to talk about was the fact that I really believed I was the only person they did this to.

Yeah, yeah, narcissistic, I know.  But I couldn't fathom these people being mean to anyone else.  I think I almost thought I deserved it for a while there.

Yet, it's not just me.  They kick others when they're down as well, so it has absolutely nothing to do with me.

I only hold my own responsibility for my own actions.

Like allowing them to hurt me to the point of tears in public.  Or, allowing my pain of being rejected to grant my suicidal thoughts to start yacking at me.

... nobody invited the suicidal girl to the party!!!!! ...

That won't be happening from their harshness anymore.

Also, I'm responsible for learning from my weakest moments, so that I may heal my fears.

I am really amazed at how far I've come in 16 months.

I know I've changed for the better.  My friends know I've changed for the better.

Anyone who doesn't think people can change, has never had anything about them that they've felt needed changing, and they stay stuck in their own shit.

For their sake, for the sake of all the people who hate me for my honesty, I hope one day they too will change.  I hope they will see their responsibilities in the pain they've inflicted upon myself and others with their bullying.

It's possible.  Change is possible.

i am healing the past, while living in the present