I'll miss you, because I already do.

I remember after my motorcycle accident, I lost many friends.  Many people just can't handle that kind of trauma and the after effects that arose.

I also found that I gained new friends that I wouldn't have had before the accident.

I gained people that know what it's like to need support.

Now, as I prepare to leave, I'm finding that some people are treating me differently than they did before.

I ask for some to get together, but some just send passive aggressive texts that hurt my heart.

Yet again, I'm being gifted with new friends at this time.

Particularly one, and I'm finding I'm having sad feelings about leaving.  We're becoming close and now I will be leaving for large periods of time.

It doesn't make up for some friends who are not happy with me, but I understand.

I remember when I had a friend who was moving away from me, and when she told me her and her new baby were moving to a new province, I immediately distanced myself from her.

I didn't ask to see her more so that I could get more out of our friendship while she was here.

I just chose to leave her heart.

I was so angry, but I was being selfish.

It was all about me.  It wasn't about the fact that she could have a better life somewhere else for her child.

What about ME?!?!?

This is why I understand how some people feel the need to distance themselves from me, and sometimes in a really nasty, heartbreaking way.

It doesn't make it any easier because I understand, let me tell you that.

I find myself obsessing about those who have left my heart dangling, instead of focusing on the fact that some just want to get as much time with me as they can.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

Please forgive me.

I need a better life.

These pills are not a way to live.

This bitch of a back can't handle this country's weather.

I wake up feeling like a zombie, whereas when I'm in the Caribbean heat, I wake up ready to challenge the day with as much zeal as I did prior to the motorcycle accident.  I spend the day without the pain I would have here, and get the most out of my life

As much as I'm sorry, I have to let you go.

You no longer have to get uncomfortable about any 'let's get together' texts or Facebook messages.

If hurting me was your intention, you've accomplished your mission.

I will no longer be coming back for more lashings.

Keep in mind that I forgive you.

If you're ever interested in telling me how much it hurts that I'm making this decision, I will listen and love you through it.

Just an F.Y.I. for ya though, there are some who are actually telling me this to my face before I go.

I feel loved when they do this.

I don't feel dissed.

You've really hurt me.

I'll miss you as well, because I already do.

i am a confident, positive person and confident, positive people gravitate towards me every day

Success!

So.

I went for my lunch with Mommy Dearest.

It was really nice!

She didn't tell me I wasn't good enough at all during our visit.

These kind of visits are the ones that make me want to see her again.

It is nice when she's nice to me.

It's even better with my baby sister around.  She always brings a new dynamic to the table.

However, my baby sister could only stick around for a quick kiss, hug and vent.

My poor sis.  She's such a hard worker and all she wanted was a lunch date with us.  Her class didn't allow it.  Everyone wanted lunch early, so we only got the flash of her.

While they sat across from me, all I could do was stare at their perfectly straight, white teeth that I didn't inherit from the family.

I smiled to show my mom to see if she noticed the difference since my jaw surgery, but she couldn't.

Papi wanted to know if she brought up the Easter dinner.

"No, no, no.  We don't talk about anything important," is all I could say to my love.

We don't.

As long as we keep things very surface, very much about the weather and keep all the attention off my life, everything is fine.

Today, I get to go for breakfast with some very sweet friends.

I just hope my jaw calms down enough to chew.

You see, last night, I tried to help The Golden up to the bed.  Now that he's older, he has troubles with his front legs, and can't jump up.

As I bent over to place his front paws on the bed to help him out, he decided that this was the perfect opportunity to jump.

With full force.

Straight up into my still healing jaw.

I won't actually have a full bone in my jaw for another 4 months, hence, the pain was swift and the jarring to my already shaky brain threw me to the floor.

From there I squirmed in pain on my back, pushing myself across the hairy, stinky laminate.

That was pain.

It was a rough sleep let me tell you.

I woke up terrified that I'd see this again:

does anyone recognize this chipmunk?

 

But, everything was ok.

My teeth still match.

My jaw still opens and it's no more swollen than it is every morning I wake up.

I guess those little metal plates, pins and screws did their job well.

The worst part about the whole thing was The Bastard Prince knew I wasn't moving and decided this was the time to go through the dirty dishes, chase The Mrs. and torment Sir Bark-A-Lot.

Fucker.

He's no fucking help.

Ever.

Ok!  Off I go to get pretty for my favourite restaurant!  Jethro's Fine Grub! 

i am at peace

You get what you need.

Clammy.

Sweating and then freezing.

Sore throat.

Bitchy headache of doom.

It's official.  I feel like crap.

I had big plans for this day.  It's safe to say that the old clichés of, "Can't always get what you want," or "Plans were made to be broken," are very true today.

This was a day to plan, look forward to, and go to bed early for.

Except, there would be not enough sleep to heal my throat that threatened it's destructive presence last night.

I thought I told it to back off, but I guess I wasn't firm enough.

I really thought my sore throat just had something to do with the fact that my mouth is filled with canker sores from my recent braces adjustments, and pieces of metal that seem to be poking holes in my mess of a mouth.

Alas, it really is some stupid fucking virus.

It didn't help that I woke up at 4 a.m. with anxiety.

I don't know what it is, but since being the age where I've had an alarm clock to look at, I wake up at 4 a.m. from nightmares or just plain anxiety about nothing I can put my finger on.

It happened again last night.

It's so strange.  It's always 4 a.m.

Last night, I almost had one of the nasty panic attacks I get, but I managed to ward it off by reading my current book, The Five Books of Moses Lapinsky.

My Gratitude Buddy gave it to me well over a month ago, but I'm so slow at reading since the bonk to my head.

I'm required to look bright eyed and bushy tailed for an interview for RightOutTV tomorrow.

I best be taking care of my body today.

I also think that having some down time will allow me to think about things I need to be working on emotionally.

Oh, speaking of which, Mommy Dearest called to make lunch plans with me.  It's about the only time she can get to see me without Mr. Homophobia finding out about it and making her life hell.

That's what our relationship really is.

Secret lunch dates.

I know that's all I get from my mother, and that's been ok with me for years now.

Hey!  At least I get that, eh?

I'm grateful that she goes behind his back to keep in contact.

... can't always get what'cha want ...

What I really want?

I want Papi to feel healthy.

The grief counselling has him tired and depressed.  The healing from so many months of being sick has him tired and depressed.

His body just wants to sleep and sleep.

I miss my love so badly.  I feel like there's a disconnect when we talk.

I feel like our hugs and kisses are petering out.

I miss our connection we had before the bomb dropped about the male transformation.

I feel like I go in for some love and I'm held at arms length, only able to see my love, not touch his heart.

I really need my love to feel better.

I really hope that when he goes away for a week into the sunshine that it might kickstart his heart.

I miss Papi.

life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it

Fasting?

So, my sugar fast is going quite well.

... end sarcasm here ...

I've had a few litres of coconut ice cream, a couple bags of wheat free, choco-chip, oatmeal cookies and another  couple of chocolate bars since finishing off the vat of chocolate my fancy Easter Bunny brought me.

I still have 1 more bucket of the coconut ice cream treat left.  I'll have to eat it to get it off my mind.

This is a fast?

Very fast!  I eat these treats like nobody else.

Gorge?  Why yes I am, thank you very much.

I was starving for so fucking long that I just don't give a shit what I'm putting in my body, I suppose.

I wanted that last bucket of sweet, creamy heaven last night, and had to stop myself from getting it by eating a bag of popcorn and a wheat free bagel with peanut butter.

Then I went to bed and obsessed about my peanut butter swirled, chocolate, coconut ice cream some more.

Seems that this morning, I'm still obsessing about it.

Anyway, I think that once I get that last bad boy out of my freezer and into my belly, I'll be well on my way to eating my normal diet of absolutely no sugar.

It's making me a bit crazy.

The sugar that is.

Like I said, if you want a Hurricane Andréa sighting, just add sugar.

Not to mention, I'm on the verge of a candida eruption!

I was not feeling so fresh last night I'll tell ya.

But today, I go see my baby sister, and I'm sure there will be much more sugar to be had.

Normal people can eat sugar all day, every day without it being an issue.

... or so they think ... right papi?! ...

I'm the odd woman out with my healthy diet of whole, organic foods and no processed crap.

I have to work double time to keep my brain thinking of the positive when there's sugar running rampantly through my blood.

I'm one step ahead of the evil demons who plant horrid thoughts in my head.

I was actually paranoid that my baby sister was influenced by Mommy Dearest and her evil sidekick, Mr. Homophobia, and didn't want to talk to me anymore.

Seriously?!?!?

I know my baby sister loves me oodles and I love her even more than that!

Yet, there I was, writing an email asking if she was mad at me, because she didn't get back to me as quickly as she usually does.

Of course she wrote back to explain how busy she was.  She has a family that's more than busy.  It happens all the time that she can't get back to me.

However, because this happened after the dinner I wasn't invited to, my sugar filled blood whispered sweet nothings to my brain, leaving me hypnotized by my demons.

Blammo!

Instant: 'nobody loves me'!

So strange, isn't it?  How can I be so messed up, just from eating too much sugar?

Oh yeah right.  I'm 'special'.  I have the world's most sensitive body.  You can call me bubble girl.

If you want to know if something is bad for you, feed it to me.  My body will let you know in an instant.

But then, you'll probably just keep eating all those delicious yummies even if they do turn me into a monster, right?

I'm so envious.

i love and respect my body