choices, choices

Drummer Boy once told me, "That will make a great song."

He would enjoy a new song that I would write and say, "I knew a good song would come from that shitty experience."

There's always music from tragedy, stress, heartache, ad finitum.

I've been working on so much music and I am half way through my goal of 3 sets of covers.

As I'm playing, I hear the beginnings of new songs.

Only problem is, if I go hog wild and start writing my own music, I'll delay the current goal I'm working toward.

I'm bad enough when I'm learning someone else's music, I get a level of obsession getting inside what they've written.

But when I'm writing my own music?

It's a whole other level.

But, as I'm practising covers for work, I hear my songs coming out.

It's like they're brewing at that spot before the kettle boils.

You hear it's ready to blow, but you want to catch it before the scream offends your air space.

It feels like that.

I just want to jump into writing my own lyrics IN ENGLISH because my biggest obstacle is memorizing the Spanish lyrics.

I feel like my brain is on TurboLearn.

All the damage that happened from the accident is being rewired in the most beautiful, amazing ways.

Learning Spanish through music is probably the very best decision I've made for re-wiring my brain, and helping me on the road to speaking fluently.

I fall in love with the melody, then because I love the song so much, I actually remember the lyrics.

Then, I am able to speak to people with the words I have learned from music much faster, because they have meaning.

More like speaking.

Anyway, it was an accidental good decision.

Bad decisions?

Oh man, how do I even begin here?

How about eating comfort foods while I was healing from the ankle.

No exercise, and comfort foods.

So, I went to the last appointment at the hospital and the guy that pushes us around on the wheelchairs said, "You are fat now," well, I got a tad freaky deaky.

Everyone tried to say he was a joking, but I've noticed people go on about weight here.  No beating around the bush.

Not to mention, I went shopping at the cheap clothes market that I could wear for work clothes, and I would normally be able to hold up a dress and think it fits, so I bought a few.

No, I didn't fit those clothes.

I paraded them in front of Papi, mocking my utter muffin top that has invaded my mid section over the past 5 months and damn, I have some work to do.

I just kicked into high gear of trying to take care of this 'situation'.

I won't go into that.  My eating disorder can take up a whole month of blogging.

But eating really bad foods for 10 months,  5 of those months I've spent on my ass, eating the most fattening possible foods I could to get me through the mania, was not the best of decisions.

I'm going to try chair cardio tomorrow.

If I can tear my ass off the piano bench, that is.

We'll see.

I have a lot of work to do, and I have a ton of music simmering before the kettle blows.

I don't want to lose all my steam to a rolling boil.

I certainly don't want to break the piano bench either.

i am motivated by both successes and failures

just a weed

The other night, when I went against doctor's orders and went out for dinner, I spoke to the DJ.

We'd become friends with him on a night that Papi had 'a tad' to drink and the DJ put Papi on bell duty to keep his drunk ass busy.

His job was to ring the bell when something good happened in the pay-per-view fight that evening.

Anyway, the other night, he sat with us and I asked him if he'd like to listen to my music.

Papi gets so damn embarrassed when I self-promote, but if I don't do it, who will?

I suppose my last CD could sit up in a drawer forever, never to be shared with anyone, but that just doesn't seem right.

So, Papi begged me not to do it and I had to ask, with all honesty, "Is it because it's not good enough?"

I would hate to embarrass myself by asking someone to listen to my music if it sucked.

He was adamant that this was not the case.  That it was that my music isn't Dominican.

Ummm ... the DJ plays Bon Jovi and Eagles.

Not sure what that is about people being uncomfortable with me self-promoting.

I'm sure if I had someone promoting me like Britney Spears, I would be on top of the music chain as well.  It's all about promotion.

If I'm not doing it, it won't get done.

Years ago, in another life, I had a best friend that was a big support of my music, but she, too, was embarrassed when I would self-promote.

Once, I put on my SuperGirl Panties and gave my music to Jann Arden.  It went really well chatting with her, and afterward my ex-bestie said, "OK.  I won't ever say not to do that again."

Well, the other night, after the DJ listened to it, he had every person who worked there listening to it, including the manager, who said, "Can you play here live?"

Of course I can, but I don't have Drummer Boy with me.

He's back in Canada.

So, now I'll have to find someone here to be his surrogate.

That kinda sucks, because Drummer Boy was the meat to my potatoes.

Anyway, people liked it and I've been asked to bring by CDs.  Of course, a lot will be given for free, because people in this country just can't afford to buy music.

I'll buy theirs though.  Or swap my CD for their CD.

I know how hard it is to get money out of people for your art.

Kinda the same as, I always tip well, because I know what it's like to be a waitress, work really hard to please the customer, then get a buck outta some cheap asshole who had a $50 meal.

Whole point is, there's that saying from Susan Jeffers, 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' that I adopted after my motorcycle accident.

Somewhere along the way, I forgot that we only have a short time on this planet.

That we better fucking be happy and take those chances, because someone can come along in a little red Toyota and wipe us off the planet with one bang to our motorcycle.

When did I lose that feeling of living without fear?

Perhaps I got insecure from the change of moving here and fell back to old ways.

Fear.

A lovely Blogger Friend reminded me the other day, that those who dumped me didn't win.

He reminded me that I am better than that thought.

They were just weeded out of my veggie garden so that they didn't squish out the other healthy plants that are meant to be there.

It's time to plant some new seeds.

i show compassion in helping my loved ones understand my dreams

waves crashing

The angels DO have a sense of humour.

I was at the hardware store, yet again, where I'm becoming part of the scenery, and I was waiting patiently for The Carpenter to get his wood, concrete, nails etc. that he needed.

I'm really only there to pay, as I'm just a walking wallet.

Anyway, I was waiting for him to return and was missing my HECTOR cohort, wishing we could play some music together now that my bitch of a back is being friendly.

The ticket to get here is quite expensive, so I can't just see my Drummer Boy just hopping on a plane to come make music.

Nor can I see him leaving behind The Turkey, my first godson, so I was just wishing that someway, somehow, I could have tons of cash to fly him here to the Dominican Republic to play some shows.

My Bluelight ex-buddy has enough cash to come here, and I miss her as well, but chances are that she's mad enough at me that she will NEVER forgive me enough to visit.  Chances are I could never trust her friendship again anyway.

But there I was wishing I had money.

I went into the hardware store to pay, and the first amazing thing happened, that worker that I said I'd win the heart of, gave me a hug, saying, "I like you.  You're my friend."  Accomplished!  Won his heart!  Bad Spanish and all!

Then within moments, the PanMan came in.

He's the one the angels sent me the other day, when I really needed to hear some words of wisdom.

I bought a bunch of snacks for for Papi, as he asked how we were doing.

We spoke a while about the ups and downs, how hard it is to live here.  He understood fully when I spoke about having lost our cat, and that Papi is really down.  Really depressed.

Mostly from grieving, but also because we're both stressed the fuck out about money.

He told me there would be an opportunity for Papi to work for him if he liked.  It would be in sales for the land he has, not to mention, the eco-tourism that he needs promotion for.

I explained that it would be a job for me, not for Papi, that Papi doesn't like sales, but I'm a natural born hustler.  I'll work hard, and try my best, even if I fail.

I told him I'd email him again and look at options for working with him.

I strolled back to the car with my bag of bread in hand, looking to the sky for my angels, saying, "You really are funny, you know that?"

So, maybe I need to ask them to help Papi a bit more.

He's really in a rough state, in his own Pit of Doom.

He knows everything he needs to do to get out of his depression, but he just can't do it.

Not to mention, I'm not able to persuade him to do those things, or he'll get upset telling me, "You think I don't know that?  You don't remember I worked in mental health and told people that every single day of life?"

Yeah.

I know you know that Papi.

I just want so badly for you to feel better.

Just like the PanMan said, "You have to ride the waves.  They go up, they come down, but you are never in one place.  If you're down, the law is you have to come up.  But when you're up, you also have to come down."

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Papi and I had gone to the beach yesterday, because it was the country's day off of work.  A day to celebrate workers and they got a day off with pay.

We went to the beach with the masses.

It was my first time to the Sosúa Beach.  As I floated, I looked to the sky and spoke to the angels, "Thank you for this opportunity to play in the waves.  Thank you for giving me a break today and letting me just float here.  Thank you for the ocean."

I have more to thank than for just the relaxing day we finally got to have.

I have to thank the waves for allowing me to ride them.

Come back up Papi!

Your wave has to come back up.

It's crashing a little.

i am passionate about doing what i need in order to increase my fortune

Gratitude List, Day 7/10
1. I am grateful the angels keep sending me words.
2. I am grateful I keep looking for the angels words.
3. I am grateful I worked to get myself out of my depression.
4. I am grateful for the ocean to help heal my back.
5. I am grateful for people genuinely liking me.
6. I am grateful for people who have been mean, so that I know what good people are to me.
7. I am grateful for friends who support me.
8. I am grateful to feel loved.
9. I am grateful for the small opportunity that may be to make an income.
10. I am grateful for Papi to ride these waves with.