Saturday, June 30, 2012

is this the end of the chapter?

I guess the best I could do was apologize, but that wasn't enough.

She wouldn't even give me a chance to make it up to her and now, well, I've been deleted off her and her wife's Facebook 'friend' list.

However, there's another half that is just as devastating.  My being selfish has warranted me being fired from the band BlueLight.

I guess all the times I talked about being able to do more music when I'm in less pain from living in the Dominican Republic didn't matter.

She felt that I, selfishly selling 2 of my musical items, meant that I didn't care about our project and that I was quitting, but that was so far from my thoughts.

Now, I'm fired for my egocentricity of not thinking about her first, not thinking about storing my stuff there and not asking permission to sell my own belongings.

They've done so much for me in this friendship, and are such minimalists, I never thought for a second that she'd want to store my 2 crappy items in her home to collect dust.

I didn't want them to feel I was overstepping boundaries by asking them for another piece of their space.

I was already going to be taking a huge part of their home with my piano.  Now it's time to find it a new surrogate.

One of the crappy items I was selling was bought at a pawn shop for $100 for fuck's sakes.  So, to me, the excitement of getting a new keyboard was thrilling!

Yet, it was wrong, because I didn't ask my producer's consent to start anew and selling that keyboard broke our friendship.

It's a quarter to four in the morning, and I can't sleep from the sadness of not only losing one of my closest friends, but twofold, being kicked out of our project.

I have to say, she has never understood what it's like to live with this new brain.  She wants to believe I am the same as I was before the motorcycle accident donned me with brain injury.

Yeah, so do I.

I fuck up so much.  I act before thinking.

I can't think properly when I'm stressed, because once that stressor has kicked in, my brain can't do the right thing.

I get lost and disoriented.  I get panicked about situations and react abnormally.  I don't have the 'get up and go' I used to, to hustle for the band.

Worst of all, I sell my things without asking if that's OK with my producer.

At one point, when she was saying the meanest things to me, I asked her to call me to talk about it.  All I wanted to do was clean it up and keep my friendship and musical partnership in tact.

She wouldn't.

Instead of talking about it, her and her wife deleted me from their lives.  It makes me wonder; have they thought I was that selfish all along and this was just the last straw?

I guess I won't know, because she won't talk to me.

When I said I was purging my life, I didn't mean it literally!  I meant it as in the 'things' in my 'life' that are replaceable!

I should have been specific and said I was purging everything that was monetary, not my friends or my band.

I'm so heartbroken I can't even tell you.

Papi is being such a supportive, sweet love.  Just one of mi esposo's hugs will help strengthen my heart.

One thing I can tell you though, is there is this wonderful little item on the market called Rescue Pastilles. These little puppies are working wonders for me.

Every time I'm in my usual hyperventilating of tears, these little buddies take me down a notch so I can get out of the cycle of crying, and into a calmer place.

Goodbye clonazepam!  Fuck you and your poison!

I've found a natural way to heal the emotional triggers that create the bedlam of P.T.S.D.

Still, it doesn't mean that I'm magically happy.

No, being dumped by my friends who I love so much hurts, and will probably stick with me for a lifetime.

This sadness from my loss is so deep.

Perhaps I should hoard something?

i am a worthy friend


  1. so sorry i have no words ♥ hugs

  2. I don't understand that at all. True friends just don't dump you and not try to talk it out. I am so sorry for all you are going through, but she sounds like a self obsessed bitch. You were not selfish. When dealing with your life your first thought should not be about how your actions effect everybody. Your responsibility is to you. Be happy, a d those real. Frie ds no love you will be happy for you.

    1. i love you jamie ... i'm grateful for your friendship and your words of wisdom.

      you are wonderful xoxo

    2. Well I was going to comment, then I read Jamies Reply How the Hell did he get in my head :)
      what Jamie said and hugs x

  3. Hi Andrea

    You have to be more transparent with your actions and words so that your intentions are not mistaken. It's easy to justify your actions after the event, but damage is already done to the relationship. Mere hindsight explanations can fall on deafened ears of those you have bombshelled, and from their perspective gthey are excuses. With excuses comes apologies, that are undeserved.

    You sound like a good communicator and a deep thinker. Take the extra step to analyse your actions speaking louder than words, the cause and effect, ripples and interconnections, empathy and delusions.

    Also pay close attention to those who place sentimental value on items, especially gifts to you. Do you remember if your instruments were gifts from her, or you bought yourself? Maybe that is also an important factor you may have overlooked.

    If you don't want this to stick to you for a lifetime, learn from it and better yourself so it doesn't happen again or at least provide you the skills to manage it differently.

    What can you do when an apology doesn't cut it?

    1. it would be nice if you identified yourself, then read my blog more carefully.

      these were MY items that WE used.

      if you're going to jump to conclusions that i wasn't transparent, maybe you should identify yourself instead of being anonymous.

      what i've learned, is friends communicate instead of ex-communicate.

      if you knew me, you would know my intentions were to get to the DR and create more music. not to mention, it's impossible to justify my actions DURING the problem when people won't allow me to talk to them.

      at this point, i'm serving myself a big bowl of fuck-it instead of crying anymore for people i thought were friends.

    2. sorry if i sound defensive. i am. anonymous people always make me think they're someone i know that doesn't want me to know.

  4. I'm very sorry for your loss and you pain and that you are going through all of this.

    1. thank you for being a sweet soul kevin. thank you for being here.

  5. You are most definitely a worthy friend!

    I think that people should always talk things out. Things are not always what they seem. Friends especially should cut friends slack, be patient, and listen.

    Obviously I don't know the whole story, but I think these are kind of general rules.

    I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now. I hope things get better!

    1. :) i like your golden rules. i appreciate when people tell me i've fucked up, because it means they care and want to work it out.

      everything always gets better véronique. i have learned this in my life.


      i will be fine xoxoxo

  6. People who are unfamiliar - on a firsthand basis - with the challenges of living with chronic pain and cognitive changes should not tell you (or anyone else) how the decision-making process should work, nor how you should live your life. You have to make decisions that will make you healthy and happy, in every sense of the word, first and foremost, above everything else. People who are truly your friends would understand that, even if they feel disappointed for themselves by the outcome. THE KIND OF PEOPLE YOU DESERVE TO HAVE IN YOUR LIFE WOULD PUT YOUR HEALTH AND WELL-BEING AT THE TOP OF THE LIST, THE FIRST PRIORITY IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. And those who don't? Maybe it IS time to cull some relationships. Painful as it is (and I don't mean to sound trite - I know this is heartbreakingly painful to have someone you love and trust turn out to be a different person than you thought you knew), it might lighten your life to let go of those relationships. What if the letting go of this relationship opens you up to something new, something greater? Something healthier? Maybe something even better is awaiting you in the DR. You making music is not dependent on that one person. It's dependent on you. You know what they say: when one door closes, another one opens. It's the hallways that are a bitch.

    1. sara your support brought tears to my eyes. i know i'm extra weepy right now, but honestly, you have reminded me that everything happens for a reason.

      change is inevitable, and i don't have control over where it falls.

    2. Very well said Sarah. Real friends support you through thick and thin, but don't abuse the friendship by acting like an asshole and expect to be forgiven each and every time. YOU have a RESPONSIBILITY as a friend to them to. Friendship is a two way street and everyone hates overtaking lane hogs!


  7. i'm sorry you keep feeling hurt, over and over. i've realized that community and personal capacities can be very low 'round these parts. just a few examples: there's very little patience and understanding for those who have brain injury, significant mental illness, co occuring disordered behaviours. the political ceases to be come personal in those instances - all bets are off and suddenly the weakest link becomes the most ostracized and personally accountable for all the foibles & misgivings. i ramble on..
    since P and i have bought a condo away from east van (as that's where we could afford), i found folx drop me as a "friend" left right centre. and those folx didn't have the cajones to come tell how they felt, instead behind my back they made references like 'traitor' 'colonizer' 'money-grubbing landowner' among a few uglier descriptors. it hurt for 59 seconds and then it rolled off.
    in all of this, i'm saying that eventually you do find out who sticks around/by/up for you when you make big changes. especially when those big changes bring up hard pressed and sad feelings in others.
    hang in there!

    1. carmen, thank you so much for your sweetness. i'm shocked that you are AGAIN experiencing adversity. perhaps we need a hang out. sounds like we have a lot to talk about, and more importantly, we have experiences the other would understand.


      i accept change.

      i'd better. i don't have a choice in the matter ;P

  8. You dont owe anything to anyone ! or to justify your actions to some " anonymous" poster wanting to rip you a new one when you already feel bad . If your "friend ' was truly concerned for you why not offer to take and store anything for you ? end rant ! LOL , Hang in there Andrea and keep doing what you know is best for you ! now get up and lift up your chin and carry on ! big hugs Meg xoxo

    1. thank you for your love megan ... the problem really came down to me NOT asking to store stuff there, even though i would never do that because i don't want to take advantage of my friend's space.

      i'll save that for my sister and E's aunt/uncle lol! yeah ... it hurts, but i've gotten through much worse. this too shall pass.

  9. and by the way i just had to create a blog account just so it wouldnt appear as anonymous ! LOL

    1. and your efforts are greatly appreciated xoxoxoxoxoxo

  10. I am so sorry to hear that Andrea. I am sending you all the good energy and love I can, and hoping that your heart heals quickly.

    1. you know what jez? this is probably the fastest i've ever managed to start healing.


      but at least i'm off to a good start and the reason why is because i have so much support from all of you out there in the world.

      thank you so much.

      you're a good friend xoxo


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