shoot me now.

No idea what these feelings are all about.

I suppose it's the absolute upheaval of our lives, but we are both experiencing feelings of anxiety, anger and fear, but have absolutely no idea why.

Usually, we can say we're sad about 'X', scared about 'Y' or angry about 'Z', but neither of us has any idea.

We even fought the other day, and that rarely happens.

We're so preoccupied with The Great DR Purge, that we actually forgot about our wedding anniversary.

Our celebration day was nothing like The One Year Wedding Anniversary Extravaganza.

No, definitely not.

The day before our anniversary, I was at yet another psych evaluation for my court case, and the man asked how long Papi and I had been together.

I asked him, "Well, what's the date?"

He told me it was the 9th.

I chuckled and said, "Well, that would mean we've been married for 2 years tomorrow."

I was shocked that it just came and surprised me like that!

Then on our actual anniversary, we were so busy doing what we've been doing for the past few weeks, that we actually forgot again.

Papi jokingly made a remark about our day, and we both realized we should at least go out for dinner.

Oh, we did.

I ate the 2nd worst allergy on my list; wheat flour.

Not the best idea, but when you're in the full throws of anxiety and every other fucking emotion that we can think of, having a nice big plate of warm bread gave me a great feeling of 'fuck-it-all'.

Yeah.

The bloating, crankiness and lethargy are nothing compared to what my dark circles under my eyes and zits are going to do for my self-esteem.

Not to mention, someone posted a picture of me performing bass from 2000, and I saw how I used to look when I was active in my anorexia.

I'm much healthier now, but eating wheat encrusted onion rings, 10 oz of beef, a whack-load of rice and bread is not going to help my brain with the pain of seeing myself much thinner in a picture than I see myself in the mirror.

So, seriously.

So many fucking emotions I couldn't even begin to tell you.

If I knew what was going on in my mind, I'd take measures to help myself like I always do.

Yet, when I can't figure it out, how the hell am I supposed to stop the insanity?

I'm on full binge right now.

Not the best way to start the summer.

For fucks sakes!

Our sun has finally come out, and I'm ready to wear my little summer outfits.

However, I'm feeling like a beluga whale.

I'm also feeling a bit like the honey badger who wants to run off with a nice juicy snake in her mouth.

Yes, a little homicidal and a little more than peckish.

A little more like I just want to sleep in a coma and wait for all this to be over.

Then there's sadness.

I'm still grieving for the friendship lost, and the musical past I've been disowned from.

I have to keep thinking about the musical beginnings I'll have in the Dominican Republic with all the amazing musicians I'm going to meet there.

New beginnings are wonderful, so why am I so freaked out?!?!?!

i am strong

My Brag Blog.

You know, I have wanted to get a few things in here to brag about.

It's important to brag!

The Video

We have to get a few more shots done for the video, but here's some snapshots of the first half of the filming.

i'm so spoooooooky

we're so spoooooooky

The Rings

I recall back in July, my Blogger Friends wanted to see my bling-a-ding-ding, so here ya go!

did i mention i'm a princess?

On my left hand you see my engagement, wedding and our 1 year anniversary rings.

On my right index, you'll see Papi's engagement ring that he outgrew.

"Men don't wear engagement rings," my love had told me.

And that's ok, because I get to wear it hehehehe.

The Amber Ring is an heirloom of the G'ma who let me wear it as an engagement ring while it was being custom made.

Papi had bought a massive ring for me for the engagement proposal and it didn't fit.  Anyway, G'ma still allows me to wear it and I love it so much.

My First Published Article Paycheck

This is the first step in my venture as a writer.

I'm pretty damn proud to have the opportunity for my voice to be heard.  I have received so much acknowledgement from others who love trannies telling me they needed to hear my words.

gimme my money bitches!

Secretly Loves Trannies

I realize now that I'm attracted to transgender people and have not really recognized it for a long time.

It's taken me a while, but I can honestly say that I could wear this t-shirt with pride now.

it's true!

Papi had bought it for me way back in early January '11, but I have not felt that I could wear it, as I was in too much turmoil around the male transformation.

The difficulty in coming to grips with this journey of gender modification have seemingly become more clear.

I don't like the poison of hormones that are in mi esposo's system.

This is the drug that steals my butch.

This is the elixir that magically transforms my love into the male being he feels inside.

I'm really not sure I could wear the Secretly Loves Trannies shirt because of what's on the the back.

ummmmmm ...

Yeah.

This is the other half of the hardest part about this transformation.

Penes.

Don't like 'em.

to put it mildly...

I would have to be hammered or drugged to get me to go there.

Well, I've been wanting to get my brag list done, and now that's done.

Ahhhhhh ...

Gender neutral pronouns please!!!!

I had a day without pain killers yesterday.

Those are some beautiful days when that happens.  I've had 2 in the past week and a half.  I hope this ball keeps rolling!

Papi and I went and sat on the beach.  Same beach we went to for The One Year Wedding Anniversary Extravaganza.

It was difficult for Papi to not take off his top.

When there were breasts there, Papi would always expose them.  I'd cringe because people ...

... creeps ...

... would stare and even sometimes take pictures.

Then there were the mothers who thought that seeing breasts would scar their children, even though that same child suckled her very own bosom.  It was thought of as a beautiful act when that mother could feed her child directly from her body.  How can they see them as offensive?

Anyway, now my love has two massive scars that spread straight across his chest and for the average straight person to see those, they'd probably just wonder if it was cancer.

There was something I read about these scars and that they shouldn't be in the sun.  I'm not sure, but I think it was my Blogger Friend, Vee who told me this information.

i'm too lazy to go find it ...

So, I've been telling my love, "I read it!  If you expose your scars to the sun it will take longer to heal, or not heal as well.  I don't know which one, but just keep them out of the sun!"

Papi has listened to me, but it was very difficult for my love to remain with a shirt on.

My love would sit and stare at men who were just walking around without tops and be envious.

I would sit and stare at the girls who got to move around and play frisbee with a flick of their wrist, or pummel a volleyball.

I, too, was with envy, as I just sit and watch now.

I also compare female bodies to my own.  This is not a healthy thing to do when you have an eating disorder.  It could bring disaster.

I stopped myself and told myself the same thing I have to every time I hear the demon whisper in my ear, "I'm not her.  I am me.  I am healthy."

Afterward, when the self inflicting pain stopped, we went to visit a friend who is having pain of her own.

She's a lovely soul who has gotten herself into a bit of trouble with addiction.

It was really hard to listen to her ask Papi all the curious questions.

My love would just answer with frankness, as if they were talking about a hair regime.

I would fall silent.

I'm sure that if my love were only a friend to me, I'd be just as easy going with it as well, but I'm not.

None-the-less, it was still difficult to hear these questions being answered in a lackadaisical manner.

It's interesting to see how some people see my love as a male and some see a female.

It makes Papi wince when people say, "She," and this friend did quite often.

The strangest phenomenon is happening to me though.  It's also making me feel odd when people say it as well.

Then there's the other day when I realized I wasn't thinking of people as any gender what-so-ever.  I've really stopped using pronouns in every day life, not just with Papi.

I suppose my mind is a pendulum and I'm just swinging to the other side to help myself get past this pronoun thing.

Someone, somewhere, has got to come up with a new pronoun that is gender neutral.

That way, everyone could just be a human, instead of placing a description of their gender.

I would breathe easy if that happens.

Dream on ...

Extravaganza indeed!

My love and I gave each other a pre-dinner gift.

Mi esposo had one of my rings fixed.  It was an amber ring that was missing it's gem.  I was so happy to have this sweet ring back in my life.  It meant a lot to me.

You see, G'ma had given it to me, and honestly, G'ma doesn't just 'give' her jewelery away.

I gave Papi some cute boy boxers that my love had been eyeing up at a local sex/book shop, Little Sister's.

I was so very ready to go for dinner, and Papi looked handsome.

We drove downtown, and I had no idea which restaurant we were going to, until when we pulled into the parking lot under Harbour Centre.  Now I knew where we were going; The Top of Vancouver Revolving Restaurant.

I was happy to get to just enjoy the view for a change, as I used to be a tour guide and walked people around yakking at them about our fine city.

The host who welcomed us for our reservations knew it was our 1st wedding anniversary.  I was so impressed!

When dinner had finished, it was time for desert.  Of course I couldn't have any, but Papi asked for a menu, because my love doesn't need to suffer for my food allergies.

When the waitress came back, she brought my love an awesome looking piece of mango cheesecake on the house for our anniversary.  It had me yearning immediately, but I was simultaneously distracted by a plate that was placed in front of me with a 'special treat' just for me.

It was such a nice gesture, but I assumed I wouldn't be able to eat it, even though I didn't know what it was.  It was wrapped in bright red paper in a box that was not so big.

When I picked it up, I felt it shift to one side, and thought it was a nice big chunk of chocolate.  My mouth immediately started watering, but I know I can't eat dairy and sadly said, "That's so sweet of them, but I know I won't be able to eat it.  It will either be filled with dairy, or wrapped in wheat, or both."

My love looked at me and said, "Oh, I don't think you'll be allergic to this."

I was so excited!  That must mean that my love got me a special wheat free, dairy free treat that I could have!  And the fact that it was wrapped as a surprise was such a nice touch.

When I opened it up, I was a little shocked to see a box from our jeweler, Gurvin, who made our engagement and wedding rings.

I was just a little confused as to what this could be!  I mean, it's a ring box and we don't have any money, so it couldn't possibly be anything expensive.

I slowly opened the box and damn!

It was a diamond encrusted ring that was very similar to my wedding band.

My love had a disclaimer, "Well, this is not your ring.  Your ring is still being made.  I told Gurvin I need to have it by today, but you know Gurvin ...  So, he's lent us this one until yours is finished."

That's our jeweler.

Papi has known him since forever, and he adores my love so much that he would allow Papi to just take a ring out of the many gorgeous rings that would be 'similar' just so that I could open a beautiful gift.

It doesn't really fit well, but left on the inside of my wedding and engagement ring, it will stay put.

So, I decided I'd wear it anyway.

You can't really see it in this pic, because it's hiding behind my engagement ring.

but i mean really! bling-a-ding-ding!! hell ya I'm going to wear it even if it doesn't fit!

After dinner, we went to the beach and had a little sit down to watch the sun set behind the clouds.  It wasn't all that warm, so it really was a short stay, but it was just nice to sit with Papi.

We were the fanciest people at the beach.

Papi was so handsome

I felt so special.

i was sinking in the sand in my heels eek!!!

It was a beautiful evening with my love, and when we got home, I gave mi esposo the other half of Papi's gift.

Well, mine wasn't as extravagant, but it was fun.

It's called 'Nookii', a game for adults.

I was ready to play, obviously, because I had my coffee, but Papi, looked at me with tired eyes and apologized, "Honey, I'm just so tired, I just can't."

I suppose we'll have to wait another day to play 'Nookii', and give The Love Patrol a chance to do his job.

Regardless, it was a wonderful One Year Wedding Anniversary Extravaganza.

The only bad news was, now that I'm wearing over a karat in diamonds, Papi took my love's engagement ring back saying, "I think it'll be fine for me to wear it now.  Nobody will look at it like it's weird, right?"

I almost wanted to lie just to keep the ring.

ummm ... no papi ... men don't wear that kind of ring.

But I didn't.  I'll play nice.

Well.

Guess what I'm doing now?

I'm saying, "Fuck it!" and enjoying a mother fucking cup of coffee.

I like coffee and coffee likes me.

Life's too short not to drink coffee.

And besides, Sir Bark-A-Lot kept me up all night because I accidentally left the door open to the upstairs, and Psycho Kitty was meowing down the (My what a wonderful job they did on the carpet) stairs all night.

I didn't know this was the case, I thought Sir Bark-A-Lot was reverting to the days before our training and was just barking willy-nilly for the hell of it.  Meanwhile, I kept trying to find things in the middle of the night to throw at the rat bastard chihuahua for interrupting my sleep nonstop.

Then this morning, Papi was sleeping beside me and doing some weird clenching and pushing of my arm thing.

wtf was that?!?!?!

I was awake from that point on.

I had to meet with the rest of the performers for the show today to go over our stage presentation next Saturday, and damn if I wasn't already tired.

Seriously.

I had no sleep, had to get up early-ish and now I have to get ready for our big night out, and I'm drinking a fucking cup of Dominican Republic brew before I kill someone.

Papi and I are celebrating The One Year Wedding Anniversary Extravaganza, and I know it's a few weeks late, but none-the-less, we're getting our festivities on!

Therefore, I had to be up early enough to do my hair.  I mean, we all know it's all about my hair.

So there I was, with circles darker than the night cradling my eyes, and a ghost white face to accentuate the black that much more.

fucking chihuahua

I had my healthy breakfast and I packed my healthy lunch which I ate that at the dress rehearsal.

I thought I could make it through by way of my greens giving me a nice energetic kick in the ass, but it didn't work, so fuck it.

I want to enjoy myself with Papi as much as I can today.  I mean, my love will be getting up in a different version of 'early'.

My love usually concludes the Graveyard Coma at about 8:45 pm, gets up and leaves 20 minutes later to get to work, and finally comes home and does it all over again.

For our day however, mi esposo will be up at 4:30!

EARLY!!!

So, if we're both going to be dead tired because neither of us got enough sleep, I want the upper hand.

Not to mention the fact that a nice cup of café noir is also like a cup of attitude adjustment.

Yes.

I want to be perky and all smiles when we go out.

I also don't know where we're going, because my love has told me it's a surprise.

ooooooooooh ... i love surprises

All I know is I have to be a fancy femme.

my favourite thing ever!!

So, I thought I'd have my cup of varnish remover, have a chat with 'you', my imaginary friend, and tackle squeezing my ass into my tangerine dress.

papi told me what to wear. i like that.

Oh, imagine that!  I started the blog out with 'i want to kill things' and after my tasty cup of blackness, I'm feeling fancy.

I like coffee and coffee likes me.

So, fuck it!

Flying Chihuahuas

I loaded the dishwasher.

That put my fever back up to 98.9.  Papi laughs at me about the fever thing, but damn!  I have low body temperature as my 'normal', so my 98.9 is like someone else's 101.

Anyway, suffice to say, I won't be dancing around the basement suite yet.

However, there is one thing that I really need to do today, and this reminder was given to me through a Blogger Friend, Jess, who had a close call on the road yesterday.

She was asking if anyone had a close call to death, and what it was.  Of course, my motorcycle accident was pretty bad, but somehow, I managed to get out of it alive.

For my day job, HandyDart, we drive people who have had way less of an accident and they never walk again.

Somehow, I was spared, instead of breaking my neck when I landed on my head.

Mind you, it took me over a year to rewire my brain for walking, amongst other things.

Anyway, when Jess asked about anyone else having a close call, I chatted to her a bit about mine.

She asked if I'd like to share it on her blog as a guest writer and I was thrilled!

I'm currently writing a novel, and chapter 7 was about the actual accident, and was also the first passage written.

I passed it on to her to take excerpts etc., and while I was looking through the folder with all my writings, I realized I basically have an entire novel written, I just have to fill in the spaces.

If it weren't for my Blogger Friend, I would be mucking about on the computer achieving fuck all in my current state of 'ick'.

I will let you know when it is appearing on her blog, but for now, I'm just so happy that I have a bit of a brain today to type, and the reminder to do so.

I'll have to make sure I re-read everything I put down in black 'n white on another day, because we all know a fever doesn't give us the best brain function.

For instance, 2 days ago, I wrote that Papi and I would be celebrating mid-August.  I was so delirious that my mid-July plan with my love seemed so far away that I typed it as such.

No, we don't have to wait that long for a hang out.

i get to listen to papi breath heavily while sleeping 18 hours a day right now ...

We will have our hang out on July 23rd for The One Year Wedding Anniversary Extravaganza!

Anyway, today I will write while I laugh at something that is funny yet not so funny.

You know?  When it's really not good to laugh at someone's pain, but you can't stifle the giggle?

While my love is in never never land sleeping off whatever virus is attacking, I'm dealing with the chihuahua trying to steal my pillow.

I give this little critter a flick on his ass, and off he runs.

However ...

The closest place to run away from the evil flick, is to run across Papi's chest.

Every time Sir Bark-A-Lot runs across Papi's still raw, yet healing flat chest, my love does the funky chicken, arms flailing, sending the chihuahua flying across the bed.  Then, mi esposo simply rolls over and goes back to the heavy breathing.

Enter: the confused look on Sir Bark-A-Lot's face, "What just happened?  I was there and now I'm here."

It happens quite frequently and I can't help but giggle at Papi's unconscious thrashing and Sir Bark-A-Lot's spur of the moment flight through the air.

Yeah.

This is my entertainment.

I ran out of Jon Stewart.

Happy! Anniversary Papi

It's our one year wedding anniversary today!  Papi and I made to one year and we spent our evening prior to our day at a beautiful wedding.  It was a perfect way to celebrate, even though I didn't think it would be.

It was a night filled with love.

By the end.

At the beginning of the evening, I slipped completely into terror.  I didn't know why the stress level I had yesterday was relentlessly attacking me.  I was shaking, my stomach hurt, and I was feeling very anxious.

It occurred to me this morning that indeed, I still have social anxiety about being in the community.  The fear of others' judgement does affect me in endless ways.

Papi and I received a 'save the date' for a wedding by someone I wasn't sure would be caring about my feelings of Papi's male transformation.

When it came time to receive the actual invitation, it never came.

Of course, being the sensitive person I have been over the past 7 months, ...

ok ... my entire life ... but i think that i'm a little bit more coo-coo now that my love is changing ...

... I jumped straight to, "We've been UN-invited."

I mean of course!  Why wouldn't we be?!

I have issues with Papi going through these changes and people have dissed me.  Why wouldn't these folks too?

Well Papi, being the bull in a china shop, posted on Facebook in haste, "I think it's funny that we've been uninvited to a wedding."

When the bride read my love's status, she immediately thought, "Is that pertaining to me?" and quickly emailed mi esposo.

Our invitation was sent on a day where 130 emails were sent, and true to Murphy's Law, the one person that really needed to be shown they're still loved, was excluded.

that would be me.

It got cleared up through a back and forth email discussion, but being the whack job I am, I felt that it had to be true that I was uninvited.

unlovable, not good enough, invisible ...

By the end of the night, I found that I am indeed loved and accepted.  Even by the people who haven't contacted me, knowing that I'm not doing the best I could be doing.

People do have their own shit going on, but when I was in crisis, I needed to know I was accepted by my community.  Well, it doesn't always work out as we plan.

'you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.'

Yes, there were people there last night that have dissed me.  I walked proudly past them with my tangerine, silky, clung to my ass dress that represented a red dress of strength, and ate as many oysters at the oyster bar as I could.

the oyster shucker was my new hero.

I danced while eating my non-dairy, bite sized tacos and allowed the room to see that I'm truly happier than I was the prior 7 months.  I also found that I did have enough love by the few folks on my Trust List to hold my head high.

No, I wasn't afraid by the end of the night.

I was loved and proud of my handsome spouse.  It was thrilling to be at a fun gathering to represent our happiness in our marriage.

It hasn't been all roses to say the least, but as I'm learning from other married folks, marriage is work.  Ours just happens to be a little more **ahem** enter your own synonyms here for 'difficult' _________.

I belong, and it's now time to tell my story.  I did so with only a few tears welling up in my eyes.  However, there was no uncontrollable sobbing.

Truth be told.

Indeed.

Isn't it romantic?

Is there something going on in the universe that is making your world go insane?

There certainly is in ours.

It's been a strange brew of days the past 24 hours.  We all have it happen to us, and I suppose this is our turn.

You know the drill, right?  Oh, you want quick examples do you?

First bus was late to miss the second connection.  The 2nd bus broke down, so I did my best to walk the rest of the way to get there on time.

no dice.  fucking late. good thing i tried though, not one bus passed me as i went.

The pain from the combination of walking quickly and far set in, so I spent the rest of the day limping to help the limpers get into the short bus.

Today, Papi was stranded while our vehicle spewed unidentified liquids all over the road.

right now, papi's taking the bus home with no money to do so. i hope they don't give mi esposo a hard time ...

But wait, there's more!

However, I won't bore you with every detail of the science experiment we call 'life'.

though i'd love to vent about the fight i had at the end of my day yesterday with a gas jockey ... he's lucky i was in uniform or i would gone completely psycho instead of just a little nuts.

My mayhem seems to have ended with a sweet note, though.

You know how Facebook has event invitations?  I received a private one entitled: The One Year Wedding Anniversary Extravaganza.

Only 2 people invited: Papi and I.

We're both attending.

We only have one day a week, Saturday, where we get to see each other.  Alas, the next 2 are being swallowed by friends' celebrations we've already rsvp'd to, ...

jeeeeezus ... was everyone born in july?!?!?! let us have our day together!!!

... so Papi and I will have to celebrate on a later Saturday.  But our day is in there!  We're booked!

I'm pretty sure we will have to deal with The Love Patrol during our anniversary party for two.

Have I told you about The Love Patrol?

So, there's this one eyed retriever, The Golden, and he has a problem with Papi and I having sexy time.

We can hug standing, but the moment we get entwined on the bed, our energy erupting with rolling, sensual kisses, bodies pressed together and quite possibly hands stroking various body parts with fervor, The Love Patrol comes on duty.

The Golden will repetitively throw a very cheeky, sharp, demanding bark that says to us, "Hold up there kids!  I'm the chaperone and this is not kosher!"

At the beginning of every sexy time, we start with kisses filled with giggles at the ridiculousness of The Love Patrol.

Oh yeah, then there's Sir Bark-A-Lot.  At this point, he doesn't bark, he just comes to the top of the bed and lies right at our heads.

sexy time supervisor? or is he rating us?

As soon as things get a little heated and the giggles turn to serious 'got to have you now!' moments, one of us finally gets up and tells The Golden and Sir Bark-A-Lot to go outside and the door is closed firmly to be sure there's no more interruptions.

These are my 'rules'.  Papi could care less if there's an audience.

The only time I'll allow anyone else in the room for sexy time is if it's being recorded for porn.

hehehe

Anyway, I'm waiting for Papi to take the bus home from a broken down vehicle.

There will be many hugs to try to make my love's day better.

Mine already got better when I received the Facebook invitation.