Thursday, May 2, 2013

mañana never comes

This power thing is really getting at me, considering we just spent thousands on a new inverter so we could have power.

I'm at the 'fuck it' point and if I had time to sleep all day, I'd be poppin' clonazepam right along side Papi.

Today, I jumped in the shower as soon as I saw the street power on, and managed to get a shower in mere minutes before the electricity and water were off again!  I'm clean!

When we would have a power outage in Vancouver, it would make the news, "No power!!!!!!!  People living with candles!!!!  Oh the horror!!!"

Yeah.  For a few hours.  Try a few days at a time, ongoing for a few months.

We had a light show the other night.

Power would come on for 2 seconds where all the security lights in the yard would turn on, then off again for another 10 minutes, alerting the bandidos that we were fair game and probably would be sleeping with the windows open, making us an easy target.

If I filmed it and sped it up, it would be like strobe lights.

When I call Mr. Sincere to say it's still not working, I get 2 responses, "Really?  No power?  I fixed it," and then "OK, Mañana."

Everything is 'mañana' here.  Everything.  The only problem is, it seems that 'mañana' never comes.

Somewhere in this is learning for me.

What am I supposed to learn?  Tell me and I'll go on the accelerated classes.

I'd love to have time and energy to just meditate and exercise all day to ward off the depression.

I don't need electrical power for that, and my body needs some release of stress and bad food due to no energy to cook properly.

However, I'm too busy driving around workers to hardware stores and waiting in lineups at the bank for 30 minutes, because we can't take enough from our credit cards on the ATM.

There is no, "I'm just going to the bank.  Be right back."  No, it's more of a day trip.

First, we have to drive forever to get there, because we're rural, then we've waited our turn in the line, the teller counts everything out by hand, because their counting machines will be fixed 'mañana'.

So he counts as I count with him, then he writes.  He counts again, I count again, then he writes.  He types one thing into the computer and then we count again and he writes.  Then someone comes over and approves it something gets entered into the computer, something gets written down and he counts it one last time to prove to me that it's the right amount.

This is all in between the moments people feel that they'd like to have a personal conversation with the co-worker next to them while we're waiting.  It's kinda comical, and I wouldn't care if I wasn't needing to find 'time' for myself instead of waiting at the bank.

Papi keeps saying all this will end.

I believe I'm in purgatory and I'll be in renovation hell for the rest of my life.  The sewage flood has nothing on this one.

It's also really hard to feel so alone in the daytime with all this.  The only people I have to speak to in the daytime speak Spanish and are not here for a hang out or friendship.  They're here to work.

However, while driving one worker to the store today, I did break down into tears when I was asking if he knew a really good electrician, as in REALLY professional to fix this job once, and get it done without having to pay through the nose every day we wait for 'mañana' to come so we have power.

Papi is so depressed, he just sleeps all day to escape it.

Papi says, "Go online and talk to friends."  You're not listening.  With what magical power will I find that magical internet?

He says, "Make new friends here."  I don't really have downtime for that yet.

When I do, it's at night when I'm so exhausted I can't even find the energy to say a word to anyone.  I just stare and drool.

When I have true time for the work of making new friends, it will mean that all this mania has ended, and I won't really NEED new friends at that point, it will just be a cherry on top.

I need my friends now, while I'm losing my mind from the lack of creativity, exercise and proper eating and loneliness.

I'd also like to feel like the rest of the pretty girls here who always look so clean with fancy clothes, fixed up hair, made up faces and smiles because they got enough sleep.

Yesterday, I seriously walked around with what looked like a Marge Simpson hairdo on my head.  A true fire hazard.

Take me away.

i am highly motivated to exercise my body as i find exercise fun

Gratitude List, Day 8/10
1. I am grateful for electricity and water.
2. I am grateful to keep searching for happiness, even if it's not here right now.
3. I am grateful for anti-depressants keeping me from completely going over the edge.
4. I am grateful for the puppies to make me laugh.
5. I am grateful for the patience for the puppies.
6. I am grateful for the good souls who allow me to vent without judgement.
7. I am grateful to be learning hard lessons, as I know one day they will pay off.
8. I am grateful to have enough food and a stove that works even when power is off.
9. I am grateful for a really good bed to allow my back to sleep.
10. I am grateful to get a few hours a day to spend with Papi.


  1. you certainly have your hands and head full,,, i am happy you are taking time to meditate :)

    1. well dia, the problem is i WANT to meditate and i can't :( i've never been able to.

      first i need time.

      second i need quiet.

      third i need instruction :)

  2. You sound like you're ready to drop :( I hope things turn around for you and you get your paradise :) xxx

    1. oh, but i am kiki. today i feel a little better. mostly because i got to talk to friends last night because we have power and internet again.

      i now believe i need my friends support more than i ever have.

      as long as i have electricity, i can have that support.

      no electricity means no friends to talk to.

      it makes me crazy.

      something i need to learn from i suppose.


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