accept it. this hurts.

My g*d I hate this time of year.

The Xmas Meltdown is nipping at my heels and I'm not even celebrating it this year!!!

I'm just grateful I haven't fallen into the processed sugar pit.

At least that way I'm not taking up residence in the Pit of Doom.

Without putting that nasty, white death into my system, all I do is periodically go have a seat in the La-Z-Boy I've set up there.

It's much better than living there, but it still hurts.

I have to admit, I'm having so many unresolved feelings come up that obviously need to be taken care of.

One thing I'm learning, is Facebook is really not a great place for me this time of year.

I'm also learning that I need to be true to myself.

I have so much difficulty being in gatherings, because I'm always afraid of not being accepted, so I tend not to go because of my social anxiety.

But here's where the irony comes in; then I sit and look at all the people who have pictures of their gatherings on Facebook and feel so unloved, because they didn't think to invite me.

It hurts to feel uninvited, but sometimes people don't invite me because I don't fit in.  Not to mention, because of my anxiety, I don't accept the invitation that often, so they don't bother anymore.

I know that in small settings, like one on one, most of the people in those pictures would love to see me, they just don't invite me to bigger groups.

Hey, you never know who is on the hate train with the Hector-Browns either.  Best to be safe and leave those two at home.

I am learning that I don't fit in with cliques.

OK.  Wait.

If I'm being honest, I haven't fit in with cliques since I was a child.  I'm not just learning that.  I'm just coming to terms with that.

I'm a good person.  I'm just not someone who follows the herd.

I say what I want to say, never intending on hurting someone, yet it always seems I've offended.

I do what I want to do, and sometimes, people don't agree with my actions.

I do things to keep ME happy, but that doesn't make everyone happy.

So, here I sit for another hollow day season and hurt.

All I've ever wanted was to be accepted.

It's time to start learning that acceptance of myself is all I've ever needed.

I need to accept that I'm a loner, not a person who follows the herd.

I need to accept that I'm never going to be that popular girl that everyone flocks to.  I'm a victim of polarity, love me or hate me.

I need to accept that I'm loved only by those who matter.

I need to accept that this time of year, my head gets filled with all kinds of bad thoughts that aren't always true.

I need to accept that even though I'm home with only Papi, and our Chanukah lights are only being lit by the two of us, that it's ok that we don't have family or friends to show us what to do.

We're making our own ritual.

We sing 'Happy Hanukkah' to the tune of 'Happy Birthday' and do our silly Chanukah dance that we somehow made up on the spot.

Not to be confused with The Happy Papi Dance.

It's nowhere near what we're 'supposed' to do.

But then that's our journey together.

We never do what we're 'supposed' to do.

I suppose that's going to have to be OK.

i accept myself completely

Ah! The Joys of S.A.D.

For some of us, December is a dire month for our emotions.  It seems the demons trap us during this time.

For some of us, the only exposure to the outside world is to merely peek through the curtains with one eye, in hopes that the world doesn't spot us.

We hide, we suffer, we count the days until it's over.  I see those who join me with this ailment are already experiencing the re-surfacing of their yearly torture.

This year, I'm making a difference for myself.  Maybe, if you suffer with this, you'll want to join me?

We've already had a Hurricane Andréa sighting, but it wasn't an Xmas Meltdown.  Still, while I'm feeling back up from my fall, I'm ready to fight my Pit of Doom off with all my might.

I'm going to do my very best to create a stronger dark season for myself.  Here's how I'm going to do it:

I'm staying off the processed sugar.

I'm drinking enough, or maybe more, water.

But hey, I'm no angel.  I'm having my one cup of coffee per day dammit!

I'm staying on my food plan of only a cup of grains per day, and at most a slice of wheat free toast and a handful of rice crackers.

However, I'm having my bag of popcorn while I watch Dexter with Papi.  That's a given rule.

I'm keeping my blood hearty with a little more protein than usual, but also keeping my blood clean.  I intend on sweating once a day.

Our blood is what feeds our minds.  It needs to pump ferociously to wash out the negativity we so wish to purge.

I'm keeping my veggie intake to MUCHO!  Minus those delicious little carrots and potatoes.  They should really be under the 'carb' list.

I'm keeping my fruit intake down to one serving per day.

This does include those lovely li'l Mandarin oranges.  I normally gorge on them every December, to ward of the envy of everyone else eating all the masses of sugary, carbed treats that seem to inundate our lives during this time.

Of course, being clean 'n sober, I have a one up on the demons as well.  If you're suffering, perhaps this is the month to try out what it's like to live in sobriety?

I have only one mission in mind this dark season; Peace and tranquility.  I don't want to hide and fret about the pain of ghosts past.  I already did that last week.

The most horrid part about falling is it allows the Anorexia Monster to start whispering in my ear as well.  Seriously!  Fuck off with that!!  I'm sick of looking in the mirror only to see hell!

Something I learned from my emotional fall was quite nurturing.  I've never been protected.  I've always felt alone in this world.

I've felt that all battles must be overcome by me, myself and I.  My Gemini battle.

I have my protector to see me through until I can protect myself: Papi, my fearless lion.

I also learned I've closed my heart to a lot of the world, keeping it only concealed by ribs and muscles.

Flesh and bones can only safeguard for so long, until something evil burrows it's way in and poisons my blood once more.

Even though, as I write this I feel the breath of P.T.S.D. stalking me, I know I'm strong enough to allow my heart to be open.  I allow myself to experience the fear, pain and all other negative feelings I've avoided for so many years, along with the joy, love and strength along with it.

I didn't realize that if I'm closing my heart off to the bad, I'm also closing it off to the good.  I don't want to do this anymore.

It seems, that when I've kept my heart closed, the only feelings that got to my soul were the painful ones, because evil is like a weed that has its tendrils wrapped around my veins.

I closed myself off to the good that can fight this intruder.  Good prevails!  Good fights bad always!

My heart is ripped wide open right now.  It's a big gaping wound that has to be healed by love, and I'm the one capable of healing it.

I want to feel my spirituality.  I want to live in the existence of joy.  I want that feeling of magic in life.  I've had it many, many years ago, and it's time to bring it back.

I am ready.  I am now open to life, good and bad.

It's starts now.

i choose to exercise regularly

Oh, the mayhem that will be ...

What a great day yesterday!

We had to work really hard to fit everything into one day of video prep for BlueLight, but taskmaster Lin and her beautiful wife Carol are absolutely amazing at getting things organized.

And boy, do I need that.

I used to be that way before the brain injury, but now I need help, and that's ok.

I appreciate the details that they are so good at picking out.  This is going to be so much fun!!!

Except for the part where I can't fit into my dress that I performed in on one of our last gigs.  You know remember that gig?  The one that I put my back out for and had a ride in an ambulance after?

Yeah.

I go big.

I don't just leave a show in a limo, I leave on a stretcher in an ambulance.  Top that bitches!

Anyway, the dress.

It's hard enough for me to actually see myself as a healthy weight, but to not fit into a dress has my Anorexia Monster whispering in my ear ever so seducingly.

For those of us who have an eating disorder, you understand the dysphoria that occurs when we look in the mirror.

Carol tried to help ease my 'Oh no, I'm too fat!' drama, by showing me that she has some fat on her healthy body, and that it's ok.  She tried to reassure me with, "We could find another dress if we need to."

anorexia monster has something else in mind ...

The problem is, every time I look in the mirror, I see great gobs of fat that shouldn't be there, hence, I never really know I've gained true weight if I'm not performing, because I'm not attempting to slide into fancy clothes.

Well, I have 6 days to get this body into that dress.

I can't accept that I would have to rent a dress for the day because of weight gain.  I cannot do that.

I know that as we age, it's only natural to gain weight, but my Anorexia Monster won't accept it.

So, here we go.

6 days of gentle, yet pin-pointed exercise to help that booty slide into that outrageous, fuschia, taffeta gown, and my waist line closer to what it was a few months ago when I felt like wearing my sexy jeans.

a little xmas meltdown had me wearing sweats for a good month there ...

Think I can do it?

The more realistic part of my brain says, "I think not," however, that won't stop the Anorexia Monster.  She will not stop at anything to fit into that dress.

Seriously!  It just fit this August past!

I know I put on weight after every re-injury of my bitch of a back, but damn!  This can't happen right now!!!

My mind has been obsessing about food every second since that bursting of my body image bubble yesterday.

Normally, I obsess about the goodies that I want.  God forbid they're in the house, because then it's like I have blinders on, and can only see the foods that whisper my name.  I have to eat them to get them off my mind.

However, right now, I'm obsessing about how little I can eat to stay healthy, yet not allow the Anorexia Monster take over.

It's a tough balance, but I can do this!  I have all the foods I need to make my body feel svelte, even if the mirror lies.

Oh.  Did I mention it's the same dress I wore in my teens when I was foolish enough to think that winning a pageant would convince me that I'm pretty?

Well, I won runner up, so I'm sure you can imagine what came next for that 'I'm not good enough' brain.  Yup.  Years upon years of thinking I'm not pretty enough.

Well, I know now that pretty comes from the inside, but my outside wants to fit into that fucking dress!!

Oh, this should be a great week for Hurricane Andréa.  I'm sure there will be many moments of mayhem for you to enjoy.

Or relate to?

Mi esposo es muy guapo.

Yeah, I thought I'd start out this first day of 2012 with sleep deprivation, because I was too lazy to get up to the drug store and refill my nerve pills, hence there was no sleep for this mangled body last night.


Honestly, I'm good with my title of 'Most Crazed Woman of Canada' as long as I get to stay in my pajamas.

Perhaps there is an inkling of a day to be had?  Perhaps it's a double coffee day?




Even if this day doesn't turn into much, I'm pretty grateful I don't have to be anywhere in this condition.

Speaking of gratitude, I received 2 great gifts for my New Year.

One was the gift of more gratitude.

Now, I'm not going to bore you with happy, positive thinking, so don't get your panties in a wad.

It's just that it was a strange phenomenon!  When I wrote the last gratitude entry to My Gratitude Buddy, I felt it was unfinished.  I almost felt like I should keep going for a little while longer, because it has done me good.

Well, what happened was, when I received My Gratitude Buddy's last return, she asked if I was into going on for a few more weeks.

there is still time to join in, oh ye non-believer of gratitude's magic ...
 
But, there is still the best New Year's gift yet.

I had a wild moment in TransLand last night!

My sweet Papi is still not feeling so well.  Who knew that a hysterectomy could wreak such havoc on a body!?!?

After 3 post surgery infections, complete with 3 emergency room visits, and the cherry on top of 3 rounds of antibiotics, my love's system has had to start from scratch and reboot.

So.

Papi is not well, to say the least.

However, the good news is, my love may get on a healthy food regime by no force of my own!

mwahahahaha!!!!!!  my positive thinking of health has made it's way to papiland!!!!!!

Anyway, that has nothing to do with my TransLand moment.  I just thought I'd throw that in there so you could have a lovely mental picture of why there haven't been any Tranny Terrorist exhibitions as of late.

Ok.  I'll get to the point now.

The point is, that even though mi esposo was not feeling so well, he's still handsome.

The moment when I saw the handsome Papi, I couldn't stop staring at my love.

Someone had seen Papi's picture change on Facebook the other day, and almost wrote, "Who's this dude?"

Everyone else gets to see the changes from week to week.  I only get day to day, so Papi doesn't really change for me.

It's too slow and gradual.

Yet still, I saw my handsome husband for a moment.

It wasn't my husbutch.

It was actually a husband.

And as Papi toddled off for another visit to the porcelain gods, my mind reverted back to mi esposo.

I don't really care which way my mind chooses to see Papi.  Point is, mi esposo es muy guapo.

Happy New Year Papi.

2012 is the year of Dominican Republic preparation!!!

Ready, set, GO!!!

Hurricane Andréa

Today's blob/blab was a difficult one to muster.

I had to take pain killers upon wakening.

Just getting to my compose page was hard enough.

Anyway, you know how it's so easy to tell someone what they need to be doing, but when it comes to us doing it, we fail to live up to the dare?

Yeah.

We all do it.

Well, just the other day, a friend had a meltdown.  I told her it was necessary to her healing to allow the feelings to come out.

Sure.

Sounds about right.

However, when I have a meltdown, I can't find anything positive in the behaviour.

There I was, looking like a crazed woman, because The Mrs. peed in The Golden's bed.

Now this would be expected of The Bastard Prince, and quite positively I could say that Psycho Kitty would do the same.

Hell!

We all know Sir Bark-A-Lot would do it.

But The Mrs.?!?!

Anyway, the real reason I had such a meltdown over it was because I had just washed the floors.

Ok.

If I'm being truthful, it's because I didn't take any pain killers later on to counter attack my house cleaning, and was at a level 8 on the pain scale..

Well, actually, if you factor in that I gorged on sugar the day before, hence, feeling a negative psychological effect, ...

aka a sugar induced temper tantrum ...

... then watched the only 'good' cat in the house do a nasty, I lost it.

From that point forward, I was taking a stroll to hell.

I tried to put my almond butter in the fridge, and instead it spewed all over the floor I had just washed.

I tried to get paper towels to clean it up, because the cleaning rag was in the wash after having cleaned up The Mrs. gift, and the entire paper roll just unwound in my hands.

ok ... slight exaggeration ... it was only about 6 feet of it ...

Then as I tried to clean off the almond butter jar, my dear sweet Papi said, "You're attracting your bad energy right now.  That's why this is all happening.  Can you just laugh at yourself maybe?  It's not the end of the world."

It was at that moment my bitch of a back had her revenge on me and I slumped into a crying, fetal position monstrosity, muttering words about how this fucking gratitude list 'isn't working'.

The Big Xmas Meltdown.

So, as I tell my friend it's necessary and healthy to have a meltdown and let it all go, there I was being so hard on myself because my gratitude list wasn't working.

When I proceeded to relocate my fetal position to our comfy bed, complete with watching on Jon Stewart to cheer me up, I realized that I did do this to myself.

I stopped taking pain killers because they made me slow, ate a box-full of wheat-free, dairy-free sugar cookies because I saw them, and took the cat piss as a personal attack on me.

You know, living like a pissy grumbler from hell because my bitch of a back didn't like that I cleaned the house is no way to live.

Fuck this rancid pain.

I won't live like that.

I'm grateful that I have a pain reducing method that helps me get through my day.

I'm grateful that my spouse understands why I get in the moods I do, but allows me the space to have them.

I'm grateful that I have new programs to play with for composing, so that I may be taken away into another world filled with peace.

I'm grateful that I am able to see the effects sugar, pain and lack of self-care, and am able to take steps in changing these for the better.

I'm just plain grateful ...

It's coming ...

When Papi and I were wrapping gifts for our niece and nephew, The Turkey, The Porkchop and their entourage of family members, I did something that seemed fun & silly.

What I didn't realize is that it was a big step compared to where I was a year ago.

It really is a good feeling to give, and with every piece of tape Papi handed me, we cloaked the gifts with sparkly penguins, sliding down snow packed mountains of love.

On each of the little tags that we so carefully place on a gift, we tend to write who it's from with a feeling of joy, anticipating their eyes showing happiness when they look at who the present was from.

Well, I wrote, "Love Auntie Andréa & Uncle Easton."

May seem like a no brainer to you, but to me, the fact that I effortlessly placed 'uncle' on the card with a great big smile had me surprised at myself.

I do know that once I've accepted something, my brain rests much better, and here is my proof that I'm really doing well with the male transformation.

My family probably didn't even blink an eye at the tag.

I mean, not many of us really do.

We trust that the person who is giving us the gifts will hand it to the correct person, and the carnage of paper flying begins.

Yet, I know it was there.

Papi knows it was there.

My love was thrilled with the prospect that he could now be called 'uncle'.

It seems so strange to be going along with this venture smoothly.

I never knew that I would.  I had a hard time believing I would get over this.

Now that we're settling into our places in the relationship, it's feeling much more sturdy.

I feel confident of the longevity of our time spent together.

There's way less time spent processing the transformation.  It has now been replaced by planning our move to the Dominican Republic.

It's coming!

Our time will be here soon!

Well, within 2 years that is.  Yet, just looking at how fast 3 years went from my motorcycle accident, time truly does fly, even if you're not having fun.

Right now, we're looking at what land we can find for the move.  It's not time to buy, but time to window shop.

The point of telling you this, is that I now feel like this blob/blab is moving toward my own personal journey of healing from my ghosts of torment past, as well as the insanity that will be coming along with our move.

Honestly.

What kind of city folk just decide to move and live off goats' dairy, chickens' eggs, and a veggie garden?

I don't even do well with indoor plants, however, if I'm growing my own food, I'm pretty sure I'll be taking care of my chard, collards and kale with more intensity than I feel for watering a cactus.

Anyway, it really is the time of year to reflect.

The new year is coming.

4 more days of gratitude to bring 2012 in with positive emotions, and fight off the Xmas Meltdown.

I'm grateful we have shelter from the pouring, winter rain.

I'm grateful to be able to see what's good in my life.

I'm grateful that I am loved, even when I get cranky from pain or emotionally sensitive from the pain meds.

I'm grateful that I only slipped up 3 days of eating sugar in this candy filled season, so that my emotions didn't go completely berserk.

I'm grateful that 'you', my imaginary friend, have been here to watch my journey morph from fear into strength.

I'm grateful for 'you', my readers, because if you didn't show me you're here, I would have felt very empty this past year.

I'm grateful I worked hard at getting emotionally better.  It's sometimes difficult, but worth every effort.

No spoiling necessary.

I can honestly say that was the best Xmas ever.

Mi esposo loves Xmas, and he even thought this was the best one yet.

We all know how I feel about it, so for me to say it was great, it must've been.

We got to experience this 'special time' in a really beautiful way.

While people were running around with their, 'We have to see you before Xmas!!' faces on, Papi and I were here at home enjoying each others company with some very loving people.

Our closest friends came by on Xmas eve, and it was too perfect of a visit.

That was of course, after I finally got some food and pain killers into me.  I was a bit of a hag at the beginning of the hang out.

You see, earlier on, Papi and I did have to run out and grab a last minute gift for my newly teenaged nephew.  The last minute gift for the teen who is impossible to buy for.

On Xmas day, Papi and I braved the masses to go feed some of the cats from my love's cat sitting business.

The cats don't give a shit that it's Xmas.

They just want food.

After the critters were fed, my baby sister and her family came by and donned us with a wonderful day.

We had snacks for them and even I indulged in a bit of sugar.

and yes ... i feel like crap for it ...

However, the best part of the day, was when I moved on to Plan B and dragged my drugged up brain to the attic and found my books of Xmas carols.

He had asked me if I would play carols for him a few days ago, but didn't think that I'd remember.  Mi esposo doesn't know that I will take any opportunity to play my beloved ebony and ivory.

As I played, the strangest thing happened; I enjoyed playing the carols.  I suppose it's because Papi liked them.

As my love was resting, I sent him love with every finger that caressed every white bone key.

Occasionally, when I play, I thank the elephants that were robbed of their tusks back in 1910 when this amazing Heintzman was built.

Yet yesterday, I played every note for my love.

Every lingering note was dragged out to allow each sound wave to reach Papi's heart.

Mi esposo loved it, and admitted to singing along.  These songs that I dread every year became something peaceful and soothing.

Our Xmas was the best one yet, and neither of us missed the spoiling we have engaged in with years gone past.

We enjoyed the happiness that we were both feeling.

Well, my gratitude list is working.

Is yours?

There's still a few more days to go to leave our Xmas Meltdown behind and let our New Year begin.

I'm grateful I can play musical instruments, and use them to bring joy to others.

I'm grateful for this wonderful weekend that was filled with love.

I'm grateful for the Fuzzy Family and all the entertainment they bring.

I'm grateful for my generous sister and mother who really helped me feel good about receiving for a change.

I'm grateful to the pain killers that sent my bitch of a back packing, helping me enjoy the visits without the annoying wincing.

I'm grateful that my love is slowly getting colour back in his face, and the energy to terrorize me.

I'm just grateful for this life.  I'm grateful for the good, the bad and the ugly, because all of my experiences are what make me who I am.

Happy, strong and loving.

Ok, Rudolph. I give.

I sing in the car.

It's my favourite thing to do.

It keeps my P.T.S.D. on the low side, because I'm relaxed and happy.

Until Xmas comes along.

All I have to choose from is really bad rock or horrid Xmas carols.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, Bah Humbug.

Yes.

I am the female version of Scrooge minus the meanness.

I hate Xmas carols.

The last few days, I've been feeling much better with my Xmas Meltdown.  I've been writing my gratitude list and feeling much more positive.

So.

When Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer came on and I was in the mood to sing, I felt I had to sing along.

I sang at the top of my lungs, hoping that the music gods would give me one of my most recent fave country songs to sing as a reward.

Nope.

I got bamboozled.

Well, today, I guess I gave in.

If there's nothing on that fucking car radio except Xmas songs, then I'll sing along.

We Three Kings was the worst.  Never been a 'singing' song to reach the bottom of your lungs.

So, there you have it.

I've given in to the Xmas carols.

Fine.

You win.

But don't think I'll be enjoying myself.  I'm only biding my time until the regular rotation comes back.

Ok.  Bad Xmas mood has to take a break while I talk about the good!

I have a gratitude buddy, so even though I didn't get my gratitude up here yesterday, I've been writing to my sweet butch friend who is having a rough go this year.

It's been doing us good.  The whole day, you have to think of things you're grateful for so that you can share it.

What this does, is it begins to rewire your brain to see the good, then you're focusing on the good, which starts to attract good to you.

Here's my good, mixed in with my gratitude list.

I'm allowed to be lazy.

I'm happy goddamit.  So here ya go:

I'm grateful to feel happy today.

I'm grateful that my Long Term Disability has now kicked in, and by next week, we'll have money.

I'm grateful for my friends who are adamant that they will see me over this weekend, because this 'special time' is meant for friends to gather.

I'm grateful to Papi for being my teacher in the lesson of love.

I'm grateful I have enough strength to exercise.

I'm grateful that I have my eggs and coffee for breakfast.

I'm grateful that I have warm clothes.

Anger is better than tears.

"Honey, you made my toast too light.  It's just heated bread."

My god, I have the pickiest spouse on the planet.

I like my toast toasted.  So, naturally I would assume this would be good for Papi, as well.

Nope.

"Honey, you made my toast too dark.  I can't eat it."

Really?

I remember when I heard these words and I asked, "So, really you just want heated bread, right?"

"Yes!"

I thought I had it down.

But now it's too light.

Our toaster oven doesn't really have a number setting, it just has a pic of the dark toast and a pic of the light toast.

But honestly, there's no pleasing Papi when it comes to food.

I tried to make something healthy for him so that his infection riddled body would start to heal.

I made the trashiest healthy stir-fry I could muster.

However, all I have to work with is wheat free, dairy free and sugar free foods.

Broccoli, hamburger meat and quinoa were the main ingredients, along with some sesame oil and Bragg's 'soy sauce'.

Well, Papi ate half of the meal.  That's pretty good I'd say, considering today's toast went straight into the bin because it wasn't quite right.

Helloooooooo Goldilocks!  You're missing a few blond curls!

Anyway, Papi is starting to feel better, but the nausea is impeding my love's strength.

My dearest love is losing a lot of weight and it scares me.

When I lose weight, my mind says it's good, even if it's not.

Yet, when someone I love loses weight unintentionally, I get scared.

Probably because the rational part of my brain equates it with my own mental anguish of the eating disorder.

I'm starting to feel better with this whole Xmas Meltdown.  I should!  It comes every year and every year I get better at fighting it off, depending on what's going on at the time.

I decided to be proactive, yet again, in finding cash that we're owed.  I went directly into the office of the person who has been evading our phone calls and not sending our cheque.

The flood was a year ago.  Give us our fucking insurance money already!

He wasn't impressed that I strong armed him into saying out loud, in front of the receptionist who witnessed it, "Yes, I can guarantee your money will be ready by the end of the week."

I may be a short 'woman' to this gargantuan, walking slime ball, who wouldn't look me in the eyes, but I'm a lot tougher than I look.

If this prick doesn't have our money when he says he will, I'll be taking a walk over to our local cable company's 'news dept' and have a chat with them about Wawanesa's less than proper ethics.

I'm getting angry now, which is much better than crying.

Here's today's gratitude for an even better new year to come:

I'm grateful that I have enough spunk to carry through with fighting for my rights.

I'm grateful for the world's greatest baby sister who adamantly said she'd send us money in this difficult time, and wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.

I'm grateful to be married into a family that are supportive, making me feel like I have a surrogate 'dad' to tell me it's all going to be ok.

I'm grateful that Psycho Kitty hasn't dismembered my cats yet, and is starting to come down to our basement area in peace.

I'm grateful that mi esposo is now holding conversations and behaving like the brat I love.