i am insignificant

I feel bad for The Yank.  She couldn't have come to visit at a worst time.

It's not good when Papi and I are depressed at the same time.

Usually one can pick the other up, but we both have shit going on.

Papi is feeling like he has no purpose.

That when he left his job, he left his intent in life.

I've reminded him that when he gets to the Dominican Republic, he will have MANY people to help and he will not feel pointless in this life any more.

I feel insignificant.

Like I just don't matter.

There was a time when I used my music to feel like 'someone'.

I needed that.

I needed to feel like I was loved, even if it was through my craft.

I felt needed that way.

That option left me after the motorcycle accident.

Gone.

I was ok with feeling like 'nothing' for a long time.

However, yesterday really made me realize just how 'nothing' I really am.

I am insignificant.

I'm not needed.

There are a handful of people who love me, and for that I'm grateful, because if I didn't have them, it's times like this that I'd surely disappear.

I tried to say goodbye to a few people at the synagogue yesterday, but soon realized, not too many people cared, so I left in tears.

"We'll miss you," they lied, with a smile on their face.

No, you really won't.

Maybe one day, you'll look at that seat and remember when I'd sit there, but you won't miss me.

I'm not important enough.

That seat will be filled with someone else.

Probably the passive aggressive guy who likes to comment that it used to be his.

Yeah, buddy?

Well, then get your ass there on time and it can be yours too.

Early bird gets the worm.

It was mine.  Not any more.

He can have it with his daughter who really believes the world revolves around her.

Imagine how she's going to feel when she realizes it doesn't?

She'll feel insignificant.

She'll feel like nothing.

She'll feel just like I do right now.

Not very fucking important.

I have no place and it doesn't matter, because there's always someone to replace me.

I just fade into the woodwork like the pretty little wallflower femme I am.

Nothing.

I used to hold people's attention.

Last night, the saddest words I dread to hear came from Papi's mouth, "I wish you were with it like before the accident.  I wish you were lively again."

I had to remind him, "Yeah, morphine will do that to ya."

It's really not good when Papi and I are depressed at the same time.

He hides it so much better than I do.

I just want to disappear.

Oh yeah, right.

That's what we're doing.

Sometimes, I wish I could really believe the positive daily mantras I write here.

i matter and what i have to offer this world matters

clearing things up.

So, yesterday, I was really hurried in my writing and was also on a hefty dose of pain killers first thing in the morning and I created a bit of a wave in TransLand.

I believe the combination was a bad mix, and I unintentionally hurt people by my words.

I hope to clear things up for you with the 3 topics that have been brought up on my Facebook page both publicly and in private messages.

topic #1

I was speaking about how I am attracted to butches, but that I see I am also attracted to trans guys.

I am not attracted to bio-males, where as some women and men are.

We are all different, and I brought up my baby sister, when first faced with my coming out of the closet, was trying to learn from me.

I used my past of dating only butches to segue to the present and people thought I was saying my love is a butch.

My love is no longer a butch, and I'm still as attracted to him as I was the day I married that butch.

Presently, I am seeing that I am attracted to people with multi-leveled energies, like my love.  I am attracted to the beauty in people's vast differences in being.

topic #2

When I said 'people ... blah blah fucking blah ... freaks', I was really talking about the zealots who like to picket our lives with their signs of Jesus burned to a crisp on a cross at our Pride Parade in the great U S of A.

'They' call gays and lesbian freaks.  'They' call trans people freaks.  'They' call me a freak because I'm attracted to butches, and trans guys.

They can fuck off, because from what I've seen at Gender Odyssey, there's a whole lot of love and acceptance in this world, and their hatred will soon be squashed by the love the world has.

Really, all I wanted to say was, I'm in that boat with all the people I fit in with.  We're all in this together, and it has nothing to do with what anyone else sees us as.

For instance, I am not a 'straight' woman, but I'm seen as such.  Papi is not a woman, and he is not seen as such, luckly for him.

He is seen as the male he has always felt was there, and I'm attracted to my love, but I was afraid I wouldn't be.

I found attraction for another person who carried that energy.  A male being who had a spark of different energy from another part of him.

That made me feel so good, that I could recognize this, and I tried to write about it.

Not everyone would be attracted to the same people I am and I do not think that everyone who is trans has both energies.

I am at peace with my queerness, and see the pattern in my life where, in THE PAST I've had so much attraction for trans guys when they were a 'butch'.

There is no malice meant from my post yesterday, but there were feelings that I had insulted people, because I didn't see others as the beings they are, which is incorrect. 

topic #3

Now.  About the 'tranny' word.  I will continue to stick to my guns and call dykes, fags and trannies as such in a general way, as long as they don't want to be personally called that.

Papi likes to be called that.  The dudes I met at Gender Odyssy like to be called that.

Some people don't and I would never call them that, yet still, as general blabbing here on my blog, I am not using the word in a derogative manner, but more like I would use dyke or fag.

We have taken back dyke and fag, and we use it with adoration and pride.  Why the hell can't tranny be taken back and used for strength?!

I'm not spitting venom when I use the word, and I use it pretty much the same as I would use dyke or fag.

new business/bonus topic #4

Perhaps I shouldn't write my blog in a hurry on pain killers?

I hope I cleared things up from yesterday, and if not and you're still pissed at me, well, as much as I love you stopping by, all I can say is, you are the one making the choice to be here reading.

today's daily mantra comes from my gratitude buddy:

mastakes teach you important lessons.  every time you make one, you are one step closer to your goal.

Good Vibes

Remember the most recent uncomfortable moment I had with my mirror?

I found the best way to use that piece of paper.

I cut the positive mantras into little strips.

What I've started to do, is place them in secret spots around this dark, cold, rainy city.

When I was visiting my MC Guru in the hospital, I placed this first one.

I had to put it somewhere that someone would see it, be curious and grab it.

Fortunately, the back is super shiny X-mas paper, so it would have definitely caught someone's attention.

But I also had to put it somewhere that wasn't too obvious.

So, while I was tinkling in a co-ed bathroom, I found the perfect place.

Behind the dirty scrubs bag.

So, when someone would be sitting on the crapper, freaking out about their surgery or what-have-you, they would have this view.

I've put another in a bus shelter, and another on the SeaBus.

The SeaBus was fun, because there were so many people there that it was hard to do it inconspicuously.

I had my old lady cart with me, and I nonchalantly leaned back and taped it behind the cart so nobody could see it.

I then waited for the masses to leave the vessel, as if I didn't care that I was the last one on the ferry.

I usually do that anyway, because I'm such a slow walker, that it's just easier to let all the frantic go-getters off before me so they don't get frustrated with my cripple saunter and say mean things.  Then I get mean back and it's just not nice.

Anyway, I've now decided that I've found an awesome way to get rid of all that X-mas wrap that's upstairs collecting dust.

When I'm done with all the mirror mantras, I'm going to get the rest of the X-mas wrap and start writing some more then bomb the city with positive mantras!!!!

I hope that someone out there who's reading this gets to find one of my gems.  Let me know if you do!

The other day, I didn't have one with me, but I had a little piece of writing paper with me.

I drew hearts jumping into the ocean.

It was my way of saying, "Jump into the abyss with love."

I left it on the bench I had taken a break on in one of the nastiest areas of town that needs the most support.

I hope that each and every person who finds these gets a little blast of the emotion it emits, even if it's only for a moment.

It's actually pretty exciting to put these things out there. 

Papi thinks I'm nuts, but I'm cool with it.

It is a little crazy, but it's also so much fun!!!

We will have a wonderful clutter free home as we rid the house for The Great DR Purge!

I love love.

i care for people

stay calm

I did it!

I orchestrated a change that pleased a group of people, instead of letting my anger get the better of me, then losing it and making myself look like a lunatic!

You see, every week, I've been going to the only yoga class that this bitch of a back will allow me to get through, without going into spasm.

It's lovely.

It's glorious.

But unfortunately, it's got a berserk woman in it, and this time, it's not me.

The class would normally have you sign up for certain spots on the floor, only some of the numbers have been rubbed off and most people will just go where they want to.

We're all used to that system in other gyms.  You know?  First come, first serve.  You want that special spot?  Then get your fucking ass there on time.

I have told her I don't appreciate being yelled at before a yoga class, so she moved on to berating other people, because I stood up for myself. 

The class starts with stress, and it's not a nice way to start a yoga class.

Well, I got through to someone who could make changes and said that perhaps for the better of all clients, we could either a) have a sign up sheet without assigned floor numbers, b) remove the numbers from the floor or c) make the numbers more visible and be sure that everyone adheres.

When I got to the class today it was changed!

The sign up sheet was just first come, first serve and let me tell you, there was a sigh of relief from everyone.

A girl that I would stay at the back of the class with, to avoid the crazy one, said, "Did you see?  They changed the class!  Now there's no numbers to deal with!!"

I whispered to her, "I did it.  I spoke to management and told them how abusive and passive aggressive she has been about the system, and asked them if we could work on it together."

Her eyes widened from happiness, and we smiled huge smiles of relief.

Then the yogi came in and had happy words.  "We don't have numbers anymore, so it's first come, first serve and there will be no more fighting!"

Everyone was so happy.

Our class went so well.

There was laughing, there was positive energy, there were smiles.

Not to mention, the offender in question wasn't there.  Not sure why, but that also added to the good energy that was flowing in the room.

I was surprised that I didn't go off on this nut, to be honest, because my journey to learn peace hasn't been attained.

You could say I'm 'a little' hotheaded at times.

... i'm sure you've figured that one out for yourself ...

I tend to get off on the wrong foot when I feel like I have something to get off my chest.

Even yesterday, I saw the most hideous, racist bastard at a store, and instead of releasing my inner demon on him, I simply sighed a very obvious breath, followed by a throat clearing that let him know I was going to lose it if he said one more horrible thing to the elderly Asian lady in front of him.

He looked behind him to see who was making a fuss, and the look I gave him was, "Go ahead, buddy.  Take me on."

He chose wisely.  He didn't continue to say repulsive, small minded comments.

Again, I surprised myself for not blowing a gasket on the guy.

I know that I need to be more subdued in my reactions, as I tend to piss people off.

However, having said that, some people only hear the loudness, as opposed to the rationale. 

It doesn't really matter though.  Point is, I'm on a mission to learn what the word, 'calm', really means.

What does it mean?

Peace, even amongst chaos.

today's mantra from my gratitude buddy: if plan 'a' doesn't work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.  stay cool!

so. much. fun.

This is a crazy weekend!

I'm having so much fun at the Ladies Rock Camp.

My band is so awesome!  They are eager go getters that want to do more, more, MORE!!!

I would love to tell you more, but I have to go run to get ready for the 'short bus'.

Hey!

They picked me up twice in a row now!

How's that for a good, happy feeling!?

Oh.  I didn't say anything stupid that I know of hehehe ...

today's mantra from my MC Guru:

what you believe about yourself is what you project to other people, and that is what others then believe about you. ~ Don Miguel Ruiz

halle-fucking-luja

I had another moment of bliss.

Joy of living!  Gratitude for life!  That feeling of elation, because I understand life's secret!!!

It occurred to me at that moment, that I have really lived my life.

I have lived within the permission it has given me, but none-the-less, I have lived.

It doesn't matter that I've had times that have been difficult.

What matters is that even through the turmoil, I still strove to make myself happy.  I didn't do this for anyone else but myself.

I have given myself a gift that nobody can take away from me.

At the same time, nobody else could give it to me either.

I saw my dentist the other day.  Here was this man who has a wife, 2 beautiful children, a breathtaking office view of our amazing city, that consequently, we get to enjoy while he's drilling our mouths, and he really has no money woes to speak of.

All the things a lot of us would kill ourselves with stress to have.

Funny part was, he was envious of the fact that my music is transferable to other countries.

He said, "You are so lucky you can move your talent to the Dominican Republic and do it from there.  I'm stuck here."

I have lived.

I continue to live.

I plan to live a hell of a lot more.

Friday night, I realized that I have created the happiness in my life.

No matter what has been given to me, I find a way to get happier as my life goes on.

I am no where close to believing in some dude up there in Birkenstocks, a toga, with hair and a beard that could use a little trim and dye job.

But I realized, that what I do believe in, the belief in the exchange of positive energy, is my belief.

I could exchange all the beauty other people find in that three letter word I'm supposed to believe in, with the word 'energy' and I finally have a way to relate.

I had tears of overwhelming joy, which were a little embarrassing.  However, My Gratitude Buddy and all the other sweet souls who comforted me made me feel welcome to have my feelings.

You see, I attended the Shul for the 3rd time again Saturday.  What that building lacks in size, more than makes up for it with positive messages and love.

It truly is a place of peace.

I realized that my agnostic verging on atheist struggle has begun to rest.

I am ready to let go of the atheist within me.

I can believe in energy.

I don't have to call it what the zealots prefer I call it.  I have a belief system and it works for me to keep me happy.

The most wonderful part about this, is that in my 3 visits to that place of Judaism, I have found some more people who consider themselves agnostic.

They, too, are searching.

They, like me, are needing more than just a few words in some silly book to tell them how to think.

There are so many free thinking people I have encountered in that building of love, and I realized something yesterday; I fit in.

I've found my place where they allow me to be who I am spiritually.

I have been building my belief of energy since my spiritual breakdown 10 years ago.  I can now say that I'm well on my way to understanding what people mean by praying.

I couldn't get it before, because how could I ask some imaginary dude for help?!?!

I still can't use the word 'pray'.  It's too much of a reminder of the evil in my Catholic upbringing.

But I can say I create positive energy around me.

Those tears of joy washed away my strife of searching for my place.

I have a new path.

It sure is a beautiful feeling.

today's mantra from my MC Guru:

let's live life with joy instead of judgement ~ don miguel ruiz

I met the Easter Bunny!!

The Easter Bunny does exist!

Only it comes in the form of 2 sweet newlyweds, with leftovers from a wonderful wedding.

None-the-less, I now know the Easter Bunny exists.

... still waiting for god to call ... maybe jesus will call me tomorrow on his return?

And I have a wad of chocolate.

It reminds me of when I was a kid and the meanest gift the Easter Bunny brought me was a solid chocolate bunny.

I spent the entire day digging and breaking and shaving, and still the solid bunny was whole.

It took a week just to get down to the shoulders!!

Anyway, this is a brick.

Well it was a brick of chocolate.

But as you can see, I didn't quite get a chance to take a picture of it in it's whole form, because the groom and I were having a feast as soon as it arrived.

AND!!

The bride also brought some left over wedding cake.

Seriously!!

Although that didn't last long enough for me to take a picture of.

Sorry.

Actually, I'm not sorry.

You bitches get to eat chocolate cake all the fucking time.

This was a wheat and dairy free cake.  They only arrive once a year for my birthday, only this year, I got some at the actual wedding and I got more last night.

I was so worried about my bum going missing from the jaw surgery liquid diet, aka: baby food.

Nobody has to worry anymore.

My ass is back, and almost full form.

I kinda like it where it is.  It still looks good, but it fits in my pants a little better.

Normally, I have my eggs with my coffee, but today I followed suit of the groom's actions and put a chunk 'o chocolate in my warm, dark, inviting, spicy Dominican Republic style coffee.

Dairy free, cinnamon mocha bitches!!!

I have enough chocolate for the entire Easter weekend!

That made yesterday a really Goooooooooood Friday.

Oh, don't mind if I have some more!

I hope the Easter Bunny gets to visit you this weekend as well.

Something tells me your bunny may look a little different from mine.

Today's daily mantra is from my MC Guru:

i vow to care nurture and love my body to the best of my ability

pain in the ass. literally.

Don't get in my way today.

I'm feeling a wee bit homicidal.

That bitch of a back has turned into a full blown muscle spasm.  There will be no moving from this spot until the pain killers kick in.

You know that saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all," and how we usually ignore it?

I'm going to ignore it today.

Fuck you bitch of a back.

Fuck you for not letting me sleep last night.

Fuck you for making me feel depressed because I can't exercise and get stronger.

Fuck you for this one step forward 3 steps backward day.

Fuck you for deciding to crap out when I'm finally able to eat full meals, so I can lie here like a sloth and put all the weight back on that I lost.

I guess I need to let that one go.

I'm eating again after a month and a half of that mother fucking amitriptyline withdrawal and that's a good thing.

Can you see all my fucking joy today?

There is no fucking joy today.

There wasn't a lot last night either, when I couldn't get off the floor from pain and had to be helped to the bed to lie in agony.

I'll have to work extra fucking hard to write to My Gratitude Buddy tonight.

I guess I could start with:  I am grateful I'm not working, and therefore am not technically losing any income for this day that will be spent in the La-Z-Boy wincing and whining.

I am grateful Papi got me a chocolate bar so that I can wallow in my pity pot and eat comfort food.

I am grateful I don't own a gun at this particular moment in time.

Ok fine.

I still have gratitude.

But that doesn't mean you want to get in my line of fire today.

I'm still feeling homicidal.

And slightly leaning towards turrets syndrome.

I am mother fucking miserable.

Here's your positive fucking affirmation for the day.

no matter how many mistakes i make, or how slow i progress, i'm still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying.

Yeah.

So-fucking-what.

Let's get this clear.

For the most part, throughout my life, I've been called a man hater.

I've begun to see what this means from the outside world now.

I've had some amazing males in my life that I would never in an eternity want to live without.  These are people like my band mate, and chosen brother for HECTOR.

He's the longest male relationship I've ever had.  I adore him.

He drives me crazy, but I love him.

Hey.  Isn't that what brothers are for?  I'm pretty sure that makes him my true kin.

Anyway, there are some amazing men in my life, and I would never want them to be hurt by my actions or words.

Being a survivor of a few different forms of abuse, I've had to work on my fear of men, which turns into something else entirely when we over compensate, and it will be seen as hatred.

Of course, some of these men that inhabit our planet are worthy of this feeling, but I have to attach different words to it.

It's not 'men' that are horrible beings.

They are human beings who happen to be male.

There are some nasty women out there, believe me.  But, I won't go there right now though.

... there's plenty of time to bitch about you too ... trust me ...

So, yesterday, I found myself bashing men in front of my love.

I had to quickly retract my words and specify that I was generalizing about bio-males.

Then I realized that this is an insult to the good men in my life.

It was at that moment, that I realized what people were talking about all these years.

I would never want to hurt the good men out there.  There are good men out there.

When I find them, I hold on to them for dear life, because they're what gives me hope.  These are the ones who make up for the rest of the crud of the earth.

As per usual, I learn from my mistakes.

This transformation has opened up so much for me in my life. 

I see love easier, now that I've found the people in my life I can trust.

I see my fears and have come to understand so much of my past feelings and why I am the way I am.

I'm being taught huge lessons that have begun to enrich my life.

I've learned that true love is unconditional.

This man:

... is my teacher.

I now see that I can only place hatred for the people on this planet who use their power for evil.

Be it a woman, a man, or a transgender person, these people don't deserve to sway my emotions to negativity, nor do they deserve to have power over me, to the point where others will see me as a male basher.

I love men.

I love good men.

I love you, Papi.

And you look oh so cute in your new glasses.

... no mantra for you yet, because my gratitude buddy is sleeping a well deserved sleep in and hasn't gotten it to me ... it's her turn today ... but perhaps, today is your day to make your own?  i will update later if you'd like to come back and get ours ...

dying.

I'm pretty sure I'm on my death bed!

I haven't been able to keep a meal down for 5 days.

For the past 2 nights, I've only had 2 hours sleep each.  The two nights before that, only 4 hours each.

Medication withdrawal is seriously killing me.

So.

I haven't eaten or slept, can't keep food or water down.

How the hell am I still breathing?!?!?

I had to go to another assessment for my bitch of a back today.

He took my blood pressure and couldn't find my pulse.

Again.

I'm pretty sure I'm dead.

I'll let you know tomorrow if I've confirmed this.  I'm still collecting data on the subject.

In the meantime, here's your daily mantra if you're joining along with me.

happiness is not something ready made.  it comes from your own actions ~ Dalai Lama

Storm has passed.

So.

I scraped my way out of the Pit of Doom.  Fortunately, Papi was there to save the day when my pain killer packed smoothie spilled all over my composing desk.

Yeah.  That was a nice effect to put on the already fucked up day.

Oh, and the reason I was in my music room was because I was going to try to compose to take my mind off everything.

Alas, my cords have gone missing from the video and I had no AC to make music.

So.

I spent half the day crying tears of frustration.

I spoke to me dear aunt who stopped the tears with some chuckles.

I stared at the wall, drooling for a few hours.

I finally got hungry and I made some dinner.

I am still on a quest to make Papi healthy food that he likes.  Last night I made my usual steamed veggies with quinoa, and some broiled chicken.

I was thrilled that my love was even entertaining eating my lovely organic veggies on this day, so the steamer was put together with ardor!

Carrots on his side, kale on my side, shared broccolini and daikon in the center, and a nice sweet pile of quinoa on top to heat with the steam.

I excitedly brought the dish to my love, even though it looked boring in comparison to mine.  I like a little tahini drizzled on top for added calcium and protein.

True to any spoiled child, I heard, "There are people who eat things separately, and people who eat things together.  I'm one of the people who eats things separately."

listen mother fucker, i just spent a day sobbing over bureaucratic bullshit, and made you and i a nice dinner ... eat the fucking food and be grateful for fucks sakes!

Papi is a manchild.  If I want my Tranny Terrorist to eat well, I have to suffer the supper of perfection.

"It's just that I don't like all my food mushed together in the same plate!  I want to eat each thing separately so that I can only taste one thing at a time."

Oh, dearest Papi.

You make me forget all about what I was upset over, with your zany ways.

My love had a great idea for our evening.  He brought out the Wii Guitar Hero.

This game is insanity for any actual musician.  The beats are counter-intuitive.  You actually have to play the note ahead of where it should be.  I sucked!!  I wanted to play on the beat!!!

So, after failing a few times and letting down my band mate, because I was playing music the way it should be, I was demoted to singer.

This should have been better, except the songs were stuff I'd never heard before.

I sounded like a polecat in heat.

So bad in fact, that Sir Bark-A-Lot actually started to howl when I'd follow that little line up when it told me to.

As I crooned with the rat dog, Papi was trying to maintain his composure and nail his guitar hooks, the Bucket Head whined, and the cats ran around trying to find shelter from the pain of the din.

It was perfect.  It was exactly what I needed.

I was able to finally laugh at the end of the day.  It may have taken me all day to get to the point of my daily mantra, but I did it.

I laughed.

This morning I'm feeling much better, because 'today' is the 'tomorrow' I waited for 'yesterday'.

It's always a better day 'tomorrow', and besides, there's no mail to bring me down today.

All I have to worry about is getting my love, the new found chauffeur, to drive me around, considering I temporarily have no license.

That and trying to figure out how the fuck I'm going to make food for Papi 'his way' so he'll eat the goddam veggies!!!

'Today' is good.  I weathered the storm of Hurricane Andréa, and lived to tell the story.

i have hope ... i am able to see hope

These are the days that are 'work'.

Oh dear.

This may be a tough day.

My Gratitude Buddy sent me my daily mantra:

laughter is great medicine.  today let's laugh at our mistakes, past and present

First thing I thought of was how angry I get about lids.

Yes.

Lids.

I have this inability to get a lid on with one try.  They fly off the bottle or jar, straight to the ground.  Either when I'm taking it off, or trying to put it back on.

I am 'ill-lid-erate'.

It's one of the most frustrating things in my day, because it happens all day, every day, no matter how hard I try.

As I meandered out of my bedroom, I thought to myself, "Ok, Andréa.  We're going to laugh at every lid that flies across the floor today."

I proceeded up the stairs with the Bucket Head to let him out for his tinkle, while I checked the mail, turned on the heat and fed Psycho Kitty.

It's my morning routine.

But who's the mother fucker who pissed in my fucking cornflakes?!?!?

I opened the first envelope and read a letter telling me my driver's license has been revoked, and I need testing again because of my brain injury.

I opened a 2nd letter that told me I'm not qualified for  disability tax credit, so I owe the government money.

The 3rd letter told me the same thing, only I owed less than the first letter.

Laugh?

No.

Cry.

I'm having withdrawal from the nerve meds, which leaves my temper with less than normal strength to 'manage'.

Jeeeeeezus.  There's so little in there to 'manage' on a good day.  It's all my strength to think positive!

I spoke a bit with My Gratitude Buddy, and true to an awesome friend, she reminded me of another mantra.

you have to fight through the bad days to earn the best days of your life

Indeed.

This instantly took my out of control emotions that were quickly looking like we could have a sighting of Hurricane Andréa, and took it down a notch.

It's just a bad day.

That's all this is, coupled with a short fuse from withdrawal.

This is a test.

This is only a test.

Had this been a real disaster, my love would have woken up completely when I asked for support around the three letters.

Instead, Papi just rolled over and told me it will be fine, and continued where he left off mid-snore.

One thing I know is, just like when my back flares up and I have to do extra to get it to calm down, my mind is no different.

My mind can be just as seized as my back muscles.

I have to exercise my brain.

I have to rewire it to think of the positive in my life.

So, I'll start by reading my mirror.

You know the one that I covered up to shut that bitch the Anorexia Monster up?

Here ya go.

I'll share it with you.

Now I have to convince my mind that all of the above is true.

I don't like cornflakes anyway.

Peacefully Drowning

It's been a few months since I've needed the non-judgement of 'you', my imaginary friend.  I'm embarrassed and need to work this through in truth.

I had a moment of Hurricane Andréa last night, but you know what?  It was for good.

I didn't have the fist on the ground pounding, fetal position insanity, but I did realize that I'm not being honest about my struggles with the Anorexia Monster.

Well, I have to say it out loud now.  I've told Papi and now I have to be honest with myself.  For the past 2 days, I limited my food to 'feel' thin.

I have had an excruciatingly hard time seeing how I could keep from feeling 'not good enough', when I saw that person in the mirror.

I broke through a major layer last night.

People have seen as me as being very hard on myself all my life.  I realized that this is not my intention.

I now see that I'm frustrated at what I see in the mirror and need help, because she just won't let up.

I tried to appease her, but then I remembered that it is not such a great idea.  There's no winning with this bitch, because the less I eat, the worse she shows me in that reflective devil.

So, I'll just shut off her heat valve and cover the mirror.

Bitch.

Also, I think another part of the problem is, the nerve medication I take to help me sleep through pain is giving me that good ol' pharmaceutical puff.

This is my next venture.  Get off these disgusting pills that are puffing me up like that Orange Angry Bird.

The whole idea of thinking positively and chanting positive mantras is so that I can get past the things that hold me in fear.

Well, now that I'm getting to the nitty gritty, I had an awful flashback.

Because there were tears about my Anorexia Monster overstaying her visit last night, my nose got stuffed.

yeah yeah yeah ... i'm one of those messy cryers ... snotty and all consuming ...

Once I'd spat her foul, abscessed venom out of my mouth, I was trying to drink loving water to cleanse my tongue from her poison.

Well, because I was all snotty, my nose couldn't get air to swallow, and the water felt suspended in my throat.

In less than a second, I was transported to when I was a kid and was drowning.

I was trying to show my mom and dad how I could do a back float, but they didn't watch, ...

... smoke another one pops ... thanks for caring ...

... and I floated toward the sea.

It took longer than usual to hit the sandy shore, so I tried to stand, but there were no little pebbles to greet my feet.

Over the drop off I went.

Water forced it's way down to my lungs, because in panic, I tried to breathe in.  At the same time, my other life support, my sinus cavity, was already filled with water.

Nothing was going in or out and I became one and the same with water.

I watched the line of air above me float further away, and I calmly gazed at the boy who was standing near me, frozen in fear, do nothing to help.

However, It was tranquil.

I felt I could give up, and I would really be ok.

I had peace.

Part of healing our lives, so we may live without our demons, is getting things out of our mind and through our mouths so it can let our souls be free.

Still, these are the things that scare me.

These are also the times I think, who the fuck keeps trying to kill me?!?!

Well, 'they' just keep trying, whomever 'they' are, but somehow, I manage to stay one step ahead of 'them'.

I sleep with one eye open.



even when the road is rough, steep and slippery, I can keep moving forward.

Warning: heart melting pics alert!

I'm such a fucking Negative Nelly!

See what I just did there?

I proved it in one sentence and at the same time, I insulted myself.

Nothing really new.

What is new is that I'm trying to silence the abusive voice that frequents my existence!

I was sparked with a rejuvenation of positive energy when I found the site, Positively Positive.

I've been keeping up with My Gratitude Buddy daily, but yesterday I had an idea to step things up a notch.

We're still continuing to share our gratitude list daily, and we're both starting to think more positively thanks to writing out the things we're grateful for.  However, we've decided to add in a daily mantra to focus on.

I chose today's mantra:

I'm stronger than I think.

I'll tag it at the end of my blob/blabs in case you want to join us.

I've been thinking negatively about Papi's health.  It's not going to help things if I continue reminding myself of worst case scenario.

So, for today, I'm stronger than I think.

Yesterday, not so much.

It was such a sad day for The Golden yesterday.

He had surgery to remove one helluva lump that sprouted an extra head.  It sorta looked like it was on a mission for world domination!

look at his war wound!!!!

He's getting pretty old, so of course, things are cropping up for the aged ol' One Eye.

Old man lumps, hips starting to go, less energy and the classic old dog ghost face.

He was so sick and depressed, that he didn't move from one spot.


So, I set him up with his favourite plush toy, Mr Bunny.

This is the teddy he brings out when company comes over.  When he brings you Mr. Bunny, you know he likes you.

Anyway, I set it up right by his head, and the poor ol' thing looked at it with disinterest.  Yet, within a few minutes, this is what I saw:

The old fart was cuddling his toy.

It made me so happy.

I had to get the world's sweetest close up:



Tell me your heart isn't melting!

He's feeling much better this morning.

I actually got a wag out of his tail.


There's nothing worse than a member of your Fuzzy Family feeling bad.

One thing I could live without are the fart bombs that he's overwhelming our air space with.

Good God it's rancid!

Someone bring over gas masks stat!

But at least he's feeling better, as am I, and so is Papi.

This pleases me.

I'm sure I'll have many pics of the Bucket Head effect.  But in the meantime, you can chuckle for 15 seconds of silliness with someone's Bucket Head on YouTube.

Uploaded by ciaraoh1 on Mar 24, 2008

i'm stronger than i think.