shine on beautiful soul!

Fat-phobic.

I get it.

Some people are overly mean to overweight people.  That's really terrible.

I understand that sometimes it's an eating disorder, just as much as it is food addiction, but other times it's someone who's body is just built that way.

We are all different.

I have this food addiction and I do everything to abstain from the foods I gorge on.

Some people don't care that they're overweight and that is GREAT for them.

However, some of us have other feelings about it.

I, personally, have way too much pain in my knee and back when I put on weight.

Not to mention, I have a different sort of eating disorder that makes me lose my mind.

I would prefer to fit into my clothes so that I know I'm a healthy weight, even if the mirror doesn't allow me to see the same reality.

If I don't, I'm affected by obsession and can't function properly because all my energy is spent freaking out about the pants that don't fit, then I start having anxiety.

It's not fun.  I'd rather just stay at a healthy weight to send the Anorexia Monster back to its hole.

I have a very sweet friend who is working on losing weight.

She has been proudly posting the results of her efforts with glee!

I, and so many others, are so proud of her.

Then, we have the 'mean girls'.

They are being just as catty to her as they were to me and Papi.

Just as negative and hurtful.

The same fucking assholes as we all know they are.

Seriously.

Leave her the fuck alone.

She is doing a good thing for herself.

It doesn't affect YOU.

It makes her feel better.

But of course, 'you', have to try to make her just as miserable as you are.

You're going to run out of people to pick on, you know?

Maybe you'll all just have to start pegging off people in your clique one by one.

Then you'll be left with the king prick who will be lonely at the top.

Perhaps then, that person will have the leftover clique to ostracize them!

Oh, the irony.

Anyway, I'm fucking pissed off that people will harass my friend who is not hurting anyone, but only bettering her own life.

Me and Papi seriously don't think we will ever want to live in Vancouver again with these cretins.

These are some of the meanest people I've ever encountered.

Even being part of The Pariah Club didn't work out for me.

They ostracized me as well.

I doubt they're doing that to this lovely soul.  They are pro-health most of the time.

But still, the other uber-PC people?

I'm not shocked.

When this sweet soul started posting about her journey, I was counting the days before the 'mean girls' reared their ugly heads.

Sure enough, they appeared, spewing filth and negativity.

My sweet friend, you are awesome.

You are doing what so many people struggle to do.

You are paving a path to encourage others to feel better in their lives as well.

Healthy is strong.

You are lovely and don't let any of those creeps bring you down.

I, like the others who are ostracized from that 'community', wish you the best and are rooting for you.

We love you.

Shine on!

i achieve my weight loss goals

life is too short

No volunteering with medicine for dogs yesterday.

A monsoon hit!

Pool got filled, plants got fed, and me?  I spent the day in bed.

I thought I would cancel the day after I shed a few tears.

People can be so mean.

I left the queer 'community' once before, because it just seemed so toxic.

I returned thinking that perhaps it was just those that I encountered at that time of my life.

Well, this time around, I found even more poison than I did before.

I don't know what it is, but some of the meanest people I've ever met are in the queer 'community'.

At the same time, I've met some of the nicest people as well.  People that would lift me up higher than anything the nasty ones could put me down for.

With the proverbial 'mean girls', bullies and power mongers, there will never be anything I can do right.

No matter what I do in my life, they will take it, turn it, twist it into something else, to attempt to prove me to be bad and selfish.

But not the lovely people.

They confirmed what my heart knows; I'm a good person.

Nobody can take that away from me.

Apparently, I'm bad for ENJOYING teaching children for free.  If I enjoy it, then it's only for my own gain.  Of course I gain!  How could I not?  These children make me happy and I teach them a skill.  We BOTH gain.

If I buy crab and lobster from Pescado Pal, the money goes to support his family and I get a meal I could never afford in Canada.  I don't haggle with him, I pay what he asks and we BOTH gain.

And to you who tried to silence me for my honesty?  I will continue to speak for those who are too afraid to do so, for fear of being hurt and ostracized.

I'm not afraid of bullies.  They're really nothing to be afraid of, as they are just weak people who try to build themselves up and above another person because their self-esteem is so low.

Strong people lift others up, instead of trying to pull people down to their level of misery.

I'd prefer to be equal, thank you very much.

My moment of hurt was healed by splendid hearts yesterday.

Then a little more so with a good chat with my Eternal Friend later on.

I am finding that the stronger and happier we are, there will always someone who wishes to attempt to take it away from us and steal our light.

I have even seen it in this blog.

When life is pummelling me to the ground, my readership spikes and I triple the amount of hits I get.

When life is good, it's the happy people who come to see what's up in our zany life of never ending entertainment.

Some people feed off the bad.

All I know is, I'm happy, and the 5 people I deleted from my cyber life yesterday will never take that away.

Hell, I could die tomorrow!

I'm not going to waste my precious last breaths on the 'mean girls' or the Hen Peckers.

I'll vent about it today, and then tomorrow, I'll probably have something wonderful to write about in this amazing life I am only fortunate enough to have created for myself.

You can hate me for enjoying my life if you want.  It's your choice as to how much sickness you want to spread.  I used to be that angry as well.  So, I understand.

We just had an earthquake while I was writing this.  Obviously, not too horrible for me to stop writing, but scary enough that it reminds me of how short our lives can possibly be here.

I forgive everyone who is troubled enough to try to knock me down, but I really don't have time for the negativity anymore.

Life is too short to look at anything other than the positive.

I'll continue doing good and receiving good feelings from it, no matter what you think of me.

Because you know what?

people admire me

you get what you ask for

I have to find that magical place of 'letting go'.

Too many friends have let me go and it hurts, but I have to find a way to let them go as well, or Mr. Lumpy will come back with a vengeance in another place of my body.

Poisoning me with black masses.

Rotting me from the inside, to equal the pain that my heart is exuding.

Today we're going to get the biopsy results.  I know it will show nothing, not only because everyone has convinced me it is only a cyst, but because the doctor missed the mark by an inch when he did the biopsy.

No matter.

July 1st we get insurance and if Mr. Lumpy is still kickin' around, which he is right now, we'll be getting a 2nd opinion at the cancer hospital in Santo Domingo.

Anyway, to keep Mr. Lumpy from moving to another part of my body and possibly causing much more trouble than he already has, I need to forgive.

I need to understand that there is no room in my life for the people who have left me, or I won't be making any room fo the new friends I need here.

Yesterday, the man who started out as merely our DoorMan did the BIGGEST favour for us.

He's kinda a big deal here in the business world, with his electricity options, like our inverter, and later on he'll be fixing us up with our solar energy.

He buys a lot of items from the crappy store called PriceSmart we bought our washing machine from.  They wouldn't return it, and everything we've ever brought from them has broken down.

We still haven't done our own laundry.

Anyway, he TOLD them that if they treated us like that, they they would surely treat him like that.  And if that was the case, he'd take his business elsewhere, because he doesn't want to do business with a company that would treat a newcomer to the country as such.

We got our money back and will be buying a machine that works.  HUGE favour.

He invited us to his house for when he has a housewarming with the big mansion he just bought.

He is becoming a friend, because he WANTS to be.

Every friend who has, for whatever reason they need to tell themselves, let me go in Canada, will gain me a new friend here.

I used to do that with my clothes; in with the new, out with 2 of the old.

Now I have to do it with my heart.

Those who I never wronged, yet still, they block me from their virtual life with an obvious, 'do not disturb' sign as they join ranks with the 'mean girls'.

Those who just stopped talking to me because of their beliefs, but never asked me what the real truth was.

Those who jumped on the 'hate the Hector-Browns' bandwagon, because they're now in with the cool kids in the 'community'.

Hey you know what?  If they did it to me, they'll also treat you as such.  You'll get your turn too.  Don't come to me when it happens.

I'll forgive you, but I will not forget how badly I needed you, yet you disappeared at a very dark moment.

I'll forgive you, but I will not allow another opportunity for you to hurt my way too sensitive heart.

I'll forgive you, but I will move on and one day, you'll think of me.

You'll remember that I never did anything wrong, and that I could have been a really good friend to you.

I'll run across your mind that pang of, 'damn I'm sorry' will have to be kept to yourself, because I'll forgive you, but I will not forget.

The DoorMan is making it clear he wants to be our friend.  He's told us not to pay a dime until we are confident that it is working and we have no problems.

No charge until we're happy.

He wants to be our friend.  I'll take him up on that.  So far, he's acted in a more loving way than those who have left me back home.

All I want is love and trust.  It's how I thrive.

Those friends who stuck by me, have been the only reason we're still trudging forward.  There are so many of you that have truly kept me going.

The only thing those who have hurt me are giving me is more depression.

I have to forgive and let go.  I let you go now.

I gain new friends.  I do what's right for me.

I'll ask my angels to help me say, "Goodbye."

forgiveness is a gift you give yourself

the oil of oregano dance

Oil of oregano is SO good for a virus.  It'll kick that bugger right outta there.

So, when Our Favourite was complaining that he had a cold, I decided to give him some.

I'm going to make some ginger tea for him today to keep up with the immune boosting and get him healthy, but last night I just didn't have the energy, so oil of oregano it was.

I warned him and Our Fave's Mom.  I made sure they both knew it would taste horrible so they were prepared for his reaction.

I had the eye dropper all poised and said, "Ready?" with a partial giggle, knowing that this would probably be the most horrid tasting medicine he would ever experience.

Buckley's ain't got NOTHIN' on oil of oregano.

Anyway, tongue up, drops in and blammo!  There it was!!  The oil of oregano dance!

Hopping around trying to spit it out.  Arms flailing as he tried to put his shirt up to his mouth to get the excess out.  I think I even saw an evil eye glare at me!

He could try and spit that stuff out all he wanted, but once it's under your tongue, the burn just has to work it's way out.

Our Fave's Mom laughed and laughed.

We know that sometimes, the best things for us are things that hurt, leave a bad taste in our mouths, or have us learning big lessons.

I had another lesson this week.  I was called racist again.

I understand a lot more about why people of colour would hate white people.  I see it in the workers here, when I see how white people treat them.

Even though I know I'm judged, I do my best to maintain a smile with the men in our yard, as I give them water all day long to keep them hydrated while they do good for us.

One of them absolutely despised me.  He just saw me as another white asshole.

One night, he was working late and alone, and the sun was going down.  He hadn't stopped for a dinner break, and we had some delicious pasta in the fridge, and I thought he was probably hungry.  Maybe he'd want it?

My dinner was chocolate, and I don't share that with anyone.

I didn't even think he would accept my offering, and battled with whether or not I should try to feed him, because he probably wouldn't want anything from me considering how much he abhorred me.

However, I meekly went out and offered, and was so pleased he took it.

Ever since I gave him dinner, he has been nice to me.  I suppose he's just like me; the way to his heart is through his stomach.

Now, he says hello in the mornings, and he has been the biggest help with giving me gardening tips.  Every time he sees me doing something wrong, he comes over and shows me the right way.

It's the greatest gift of all to me, a city slicker, who has only kept one plant alive in my life.

That was of course, until my motorcycle accident, and Papi was in charge.  That poor plant didn't last very long, but I'm keeping things alive as I get a lot of tips now.

Anyway, I understand how people of colour would hate white people.  It just hurts that there's absolutely NOTHING I could ever do right, because I was born white and am judged not by my actions, but by the colour of my skin.

An article I read, as I was trying to learn more about how people of colour hate us, was talking about a room full of white people who were there to learn more about racism.

The woman looked out amongst the mostly white crowd and said to herself, "It's still all about you."

Why?  Those people are doing their best to try to change things by learning more, but still, they're bad for being there.

Why is completely OK to be hated and put down because of being white?

I don't intentionally do anything to harm another person, no matter what colour they are, unless of course, you're an asshole to me, then you're fair game.

Yet, I'll never be able to do anything good enough and will always be hated by some because of my colour.

Lesson learned.  Damned if you do, damned if you don't.  Just accept being hated.

Every time someone from the 'community' calls me racist on that toxic social media site I call Fecesbook, they're added to the 'mean girls' list, and are hidden so they can't see anything on my wall.

I'll just be invisible to the haters, and take away their opportunity to attack me to look cool to the other assholes in the 'community' who yes, happen to be white.

I've learned that all that matters is that I know I try my best to help people in ways I feel are good for both of us.

All that matters is Our Favourite and Our Fave's Mom trust us to be part of the DR Family, no matter what colour we are.

I'll keep on doing my best, no matter how much people try to insult me.

i value and honour myself as i am

plan 'b': follow your heart

I had to stop and remember that there are always 2 sides to every story.

I spoke to Our Fave's Mom with complete and utter honesty.

I told her that people have said her family could rob us, and that her son could as well and that I'm scared for our safety.

She knew who I meant by 'people' right away, saying her name out loud, and with my silence, I did not deny it.

On the flip side, I told her that all Papi and I have ever seen of Our Favourite, is that he likes to work, and that's the impression we get.

We do not get the impression that he's a thief.

I told her that from the day we met him, he has been Our Favourite, because he speaks to us like he is an old soul with wisdom.

I told her that I really want to be her friend, though so far, people don't want friendship, only money, so it has really hurt my heart and it's hard to trust.

She understood, telling me that she doesn't want to take.

She told me that in her family, the only people with drug and thievery problems is her one brother.

I asked her not to tell her family who we are, nor where we live.

She replied, "I won't.  I only speak to my parents, and nobody in the village speaks to me.  I keep to myself."

I know some people are threatened by those who don't follow the clique.

I know this to be my own experience and I told her so.

"I'm sorry people hurt your heart.  It can be the same from where I come from.  You need a friend.  I'd like to be your friend, because I need a friend too."

Then I started to think about the source which told me that she is not good in the first place.

This is the same person that I have trouble trusting, whom I have proof has stolen from us.

I've decided that I am going to follow my heart, not my head, and certainly not what a busy body says about another person.

Papi and I spoke about it, and our hearts say she is a sweet person, who has fallen prey to the clique of the village.

In every 'community', there are always the 'mean girls' who gossip and tell people lies about someone to get the others on their side, in a quest for power.

I've experienced these people.

Then there are those, like myself and Papi, who choose to judge a person on our own accord.

I don't listen to the queen bee very often, because I like to consider a person's worth on my own.

I know that others have stood by me when the Hen Peckers were in full force.

At the same time, I know others who have ostracized me, choosing to believe the lies, instead of asking me personally for my side.

My heart says she needs a friend, and oh how I can relate.

My heart says to try this out and if things don't work, I can always leave the friendship like I've done with other people who have broken my trust.

My heart says she is good.

I look in her eyes and I see love.

I have the feeling that she is drawn to me, because she doesn't follow the crowd, and that she sees that in me.

In her, I see a strong person.

Maybe she sees that in me?

In her, I see goodness.

Maybe she sees goodness that she can trust in me?

Yesterday, someone left an absolutely AWESOME folklore tale in my comments box.

Please stop by and read it.

We will find all kinds of people, whomever we choose to look for.

So do we choose to look for good?  Or do we choose to look for bad?

It's ok that my intuition doesn't work here.

My heart is good and I'm following it, because I like her.

It may be a mistake, or it could turn out to be a wonderful friendship with another member of The Pariah Club.

And oh, how I can relate.

i have every bit as much brightness to offer the world as the next person

here we go ...

Today, to make things simple, we have disposable underwear.

No point draggin' that stuff around.

It's time to say, "Oh, my fucking g*d!!!!!"

This is the day.

And I'm mother fucking sick with some fucking virus.

Lovely.

Anyway, I may be off the grid for a few days.

The next time I write to you, it will be from the balcony of Casa Paraíso with a view of the ocean, or from my hammock while I'm going through withdrawal from morphine.

Without bitch of a back pain.

It's feeling so damn weird, I can't even tell you.

Sadness was the big feeling yesterday.

I will miss this beautiful city, but not the chill.

I will miss my wonderful, loving friends, but I won't miss the cliques, 'mean girls' and their gossiping.

I will miss the restaurants, but not the fast food ones everywhere.

I will miss the accessibility on transit, but not the little bastards who don't respect their elders, refusing them a seat.

Goodbye Ethiopian restaurants.

Goodbye buses I don't have to take anymore.

Goodbye my favourite Canadian coffee, JJ Bean.  You are now being replaced with the best coffee on the planet!!!!  Dominican coffee!!!

I wish I could say more.

I'm just a little speechless.

Exhausted.

Overwhelmed.

And yes, finally excited!

In no time at all, we'll be there, and there will be so much to talk about.

But here's the thing, we'll have to get our internet when we get there.

That could take a few days.

They're on Dominican time.

Their time.

When they get to it.

But I will be back to talk to you about everything, and hopefully, I'll have the new YouTube show for you the moment they get us hooked up!

I'm scared.

But I'm excited.

Well folks, here we go ...

I now have to pretend I'm a straight girl.

Goodbye femme.

this is the dream

my, what big balls you have, papi!

Oh, the mischief Papi gets into!  Only this time, he's a hero.

I've told you about The Beast, right?  She, who rendered me homeless with a 'packing party', changing the locks so that I returned 'home' from a 16 hour shift to being 'homeless'?

Her hideous behaviour is no less loathsome than the people who stood on the balcony, barfing out their obscene loyalty to The Beast.  They were looking down at me snickering as if to say, "Ha ha!  Na-na n'na-na!  We fucked you up, bitch!"

Who does that?  Who has that kind of evil in them that they would think this is OK?

Oh yeah!  Right!  The kind that have so much hideous hatred, that they would laugh at my misfortune of being in a wheelchair after the brain injury from my motorcycle accident.

That's who.

Anyway, Papi and I saw one of them at a store today.

Wait!  I have to back up before I tell you the punchline of this story.  Oh, let's see if I can do this in a short version.

The reason The Beast dumped me, was because she was getting back together with her ex-girlfriend.  That's why she made me homeless; to make room for the new relationship.

Now, I feel so sorry for this woman getting caught in the web of The Beast.  She didn't know what she was getting into!

Anyway, they got married after I sued The Beast, and now, the Sweet Ex is now suing her as well!

Oh, but wait!  It gets better!

I've become very close friends with this Sweet Ex.  She is one of the most loving friends I have.  We're so very similar, but then, that makes sense, ya know?  Predators only go after a certain 'type' they know they can abuse.

OK.  I hope I've set up the scene for you.  Let's get back to one of the Balcony Barfers we saw in the store today.

This one tried so very hard not to 'notice' me.  Oh, come on!  Everyone was staring at me because of my ridiculous leg warmers I was wearing.  That and I had my hair out and proud.  I looked like a walking cartoon of a full on femme.

I was most definitely seen and was most definitely avoided.

Papi said to me, "I feel like I need to say you deserve an apology."

I texted the Sweet Ex to giggle with her about the Balcony Barfer experience, and she said, "Oh, Papi should do it!"

We didn't expect it, but as they neared around the corner, Papi did it.

I couldn't believe it!

He just spurted it out like he knew the Balcony Barfer, "You should be ashamed of yourself and for how you all treated her!"

"Excuse me?" was all that could come out of the Balcony Barfer's mouth.

Papi continued, "You should apologize for what you did."

Unfortunately, the Baclony Barfer hasn't grown enough to apologize.  All I got was a shake of the head combined with an, 'Oh, come on!"

Nope.

I still don't get an apology.  I probably never will.  This clique will stand by their actions as they terrorize the Sweet Ex as well.

Some people can never admit they've been an ass.  If I get an apology, I'm usually more than happy to give someone the benefit of the doubt, because I know how much of an ass I've been in my life and I'm the first to admit it.

Of course, I had to call the Sweet Ex and tell her that Papi is our fearless lion!  We had such a playful time bobbing in Papi's wake!  Nobody ever stands up to these people.  Somehow, to the weak, they're admirable?

Hell no!

Admirable is my hero husband, calling out one of the Balcony Barfers for what they are: a shame.

Indeed, that male transformation is complete.

Papi has big balls.

i forgive every person who has undermined my self-esteem

bullies. they're not just children.

There is so much talk about trying to make bullying obsolete.

There are so many 'adults' who are fighting for the children who have lost their lives because they can't take the pain of being dissed anymore.

Still, these 'adults' should take a look at their actions.

Blatantly, they make their dislike of one person known, yet they won't tell that person what they did wrong.

Instead, they'll make sure that everyone they know won't have anything to do with them.  Either passive aggressively, or with a good old "If so and so is going, I'm not."

That will force the person to make a choice.  And from there, it only gets worse.

Next thing you know, the invites stop coming and when people you thought were your friends give you the, 'I'll just tap you on the back a couple of times' hug, you feel their energy is saying, "I hope nobody sees me."

People you thought were 'friends' start dropping one by one, until you're left with only the true gems, not much unlike peeling an onion, tears and all.

You're left with the heart of the onion.  The gem.  The part of the onion where life begins.

These 'mean girls' will be completely shocked when you come to a planned dinner they didn't know you would be invited to.

You see, the thing is, one person in that crowd is the gem and invited you when nobody else would, because they aren't following the herd of people who say, "Ok, now we're not talking to them anymore."

This?

This is bullying on a much more passive aggressive level.

But it's bullying.

Everyone ganging up on one person, and never really telling them what they did wrong.

They just cut you out.

Cliques are in every 'community'.

I can't say that I'll be getting away from the sick ones forever.

I'm sure that Papi and I will find them elsewhere in the village of Casa Paraíso.

That's ok.

I've learned how to deal with an 'adult' bully now.

However, children?

They haven't learned yet.

They don't know that there are gems that make up for the pain.

They have no tools to work with to build their self-esteem once more.

Especially if they see 'adult's who do the same thing.

They see it everywhere, not just TV.

So, while everyone is on their fucking high horses, talking about how to stop bullying, how about we lead by example?

How about you actually speak to the person who's done wrong, and help them know how you really feel, and help them grow?

How about we start opening a dialogue so that the wrong doers can learn from their mistakes?

I've learned.  I've changed.  I've also let go of the crud who no longer invite me to their gatherings.

You know why?

The Pariah Club has the most genuine, massive hearts, who talk to me about how I can grow.

Then in turn, they ask me how they can grow.

Then do you know what happens?

We gain strength, wisdom and love together.

So, go ahead mother fuckers.

Start your little nights of fund raising for children who are being bullied.

It's about all you have to contribute.

i am worthy of love and friendship

Aping the apes.

A wedding with guns!  Well, the groom had a knife, but the rest of them had guns.

I felt so much for Papi, as it was a difficult social time in the 'man zone'.  He's still learning how to fit in with the bio-males.

He relates more to the women, and sometimes, the man on the arm of a woman will react a little adversely, confusing my love's 'relating' with more than friendly chatter.

My love expressed his feelings about his strife and all I could come up with was, "I think you should just ape them.  Whatever they do, you do."

He had good practise with the suffering addict at our reception table.  That poor soul was so hammered, he just kept giving mi esposo fist bumps along with the occasional, "Dude!  Right?!"

Sometimes, for no reason at all.  He'd just come out of his stupor to join in the conversation for a moment and agree with whatever was being presented at the time.

None-the-less, he was a great practice person for Papi.

My love looked so handsome.  I was proud to be on his arm.

Especially, when the typical 'mean girls' in the parking lot didn't like the fact that my dress was hugging and exposing every curve of my healthy figure.

Oh, how I had my booty out proud yesterday.

I suppose those catty girls didn't like it, and when they were being the usual 'point and gossip bitches', my love silenced them with an aggressive, "Knock it off," in Papi's way of meaning business.

I couldn't be bothered to look and see if they adhered to his warning.  All I cared about was that my love was proud of how I looked as well.

I'm getting more accepting with being seen as the straight couple.  At least we're donned in tattoos, and don't look like the 'normal', conservative couples that were looking toward us with curiosity.

It will definitely make life easier in the Dominican Republic.

On our last visit, I was accosted by homophobic bible thumpers who told me if I prayed, their god would take away my being gay.

It took everything I had not to fight with them.  I know that this will be my biggest challenge when we're there.  The religious zealots are everywhere.

Even at the wedding last night, I had a very difficult time, when before we ate, they gave a prayer for food.

They asked us to stand and bow our heads.  I cringed, sarcastically sighed and rolled my eyes at their 'oh heavenly father' thanks for food.

I would rather thank The Chef Extraordinaire for their hard work.

I seriously just found my ability to understand my own spirituality over the past couple of years.

The accident woke an aspect of my belief system, but when faced with the crap I had to grow up with, I get a rather repugnant taste in my mouth.  Not to mention the little grunts of 'oh for fucks sakes' will sneak out when I'm not paying attention to my mouth.

My love will give me the eye of 'don't be a bad one, honey', coupled with a nudge, that will nip my discourse in the bud.

So, I stood.  I bowed.  I behaved.  Still, I cussed them all in my mind, while concealing it with a smile.  I find it quite offensive that anyone would force another person of a different belief to pray to their god.

That's another reason I'm grateful to have found such connection with Judaism.  Their belief is that you don't actually say 'god's' name.

That's perfectly fine by me.  I'm happy when I don't have to follow the rules of my upbringing.

I remember being knocked upside the head for saying the usual teen phrase of, "Oh my god!" with that valley girl drawl we would all have.

"Don't you use the lords name in vain," I would hear as my head took a whoopin'.

Anyway, I survived their prayers to zombie Jesus and ate their amazing meal, appreciating every bite with my own gratitude for food, and the enjoyment of sharing a beautiful day with two people who allowed Papi and I to hear wedding vows all over again.

I found us nodding our head to some of the words during the service.

For better or for worse, in sickness and in health.

Love is all you need.

i feel fulfilled and joyful

I'm Sorry.

My weekend didn't really end after being so pumped with Broken Cat Dream and their fucking amazing performance.  I only got 3 hours sleep from all the excitement!!!!!!!

Wow!

Learn an instrument Friday night and perform an original song they've written 2 days later.

How many of us would do that?  Insanely brave.

I know Papi wouldn't do it.

He says that's his worst nightmare, and occasionally, he actually has that nightmare.

He'll dream that I can't perform and he has to take over for me.

To my love, this is fear.

To me, fear is confronting my mistakes and fixing them, with the impending doom that hovers over me.

I'm always too afraid to tell people how much they've hurt me, because I didn't have that opportunity to practise as a child.

I'm afraid that people won't care if I tell them how I feel, and they'll just tell me to fuck off, because to me, when they hurt me, it's because I'm just not good enough to be in their life.

Speaking of which, I apologized to my mother yesterday.

We spoke about the fact that if she's not honest with me, then I can't be honest with her.

I told her every single little feeling I had.

From feeling that she's never been proud of me, to feeling that she won't see me because Mr. Homophobia tells her not to.

Feelings that she doesn't call because she doesn't really like me all that much, and that it hurts that she calls my sister every day.

These are the thoughts that come into my head when I am not honest about my feelings.

That's really all thanks to my 'father' who really is a glorified sperm donor.  Goddam, he really fucked me up good from ditching his family for drugs.  I'm seeing this now.

My mother has never been able to be open about her feelings and I told her I need that if I'm going to have a relationship with her.

So.

I gave her an apology card.  On the front it had a cute cartoon bunny that had her head hanging in shame.

The caption read, "I fucked up."

My mom laughed and opened her eyes really wide when she said, "YES!  You DID!"

I smiled, knowing that such is my life.  I screw up all over the fucking place, because I didn't have the opportunity to learn from parents.

My mother was a child when she got pregnant with me.  My mother, my baby sister and I, we all grew up together.  Three kids in one house.

There was no room for my mom to learn communication, because her mom didn't communicate either.  Her mother emotionally ditched her when she got pregnant with me.

I've decided, that I will be my mother's surrogate big sister.

She really needs that.  Well, actually, we both need that.

I'm going to be honest about my feelings from now on, and then that way, my side of the street is cleaned up.

Papi asked me if perhaps, this will open the door for me to tell the 'mean girls' how much they hurt me, and in turn they can tell me why they did what they did.

Not bloody likely.

I have other messes to clean up.

I'll stick to cleaning up my side of the street.  There's enough to do here.

for the most part, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.  follow your own truth.

Broken.

In some capacity, we are all broken.

Some of us, more than others.

Being a 'fixer', I've always had the feeling that I want to help others.

I forgot about myself for many years.

There's so much that is broken within me, that I needed to stop focusing on others.

I can give my friends love.

I can give my friends support.

I can give my friends words of encouragement.

I can also give stories of proof that everything gets better.

None of this is any good to anyone, if they're not ready to take care of themselves.

However, one thing that I've realized through living a rather, ummm ... eventful life, is that by looking to help others, I've wound up helping myself.

I help myself by listening to the words that I tell others.

They're all true.

Yesterday, I found out  yet another person has been harmed by the 'mean girls'.  Crazy, isn't it?

I told him how beauty has come to me because of my struggles these past 5 years.

... oh i haven't even gotten into anything before the accident ... good god i've got a lot i've lived through ...

I told him it can happen for him as well.

But you know what?

I think the 'mean girls' around the world are broken and don't know how to fix themselves, so instead of helping others, they harm them, because it's all they know how to do.

We are truly responsible for our own happiness.

Someone else I know is having a very low time in their life, but what she doesn't see at this very moment, is the same thing I don't see when I'm stuck in the Pit of Doom.

I can get out.

We can all get out.

We can live with anxiety, depression, demons and fear, yet still smile, if we're ready to.

I'll tell ya, when the anxiety hits and my stomach is turning, my head is floating and I can't think about anything else, I'm not smiling.

Point is though, that every single time I get knocked down, I come back up swinging.

I am a leprechaun.

I am the honey badger

I'm sure of it.  "C'mon!  Is that all ya got bitches?!?  I'll take ya on!"

There are people in my life who have fallen, and they can get back up.  I've seen them do it.

It's just a matter of telling that part of our brain that refuses to let up that we won't listen to it anymore.

We really do have the 'mean girls' living in our own heads.

The people who hurt us are just an extension of those thoughts.

For instance, somebody can tell me something they think I am, that I know I'm not, and I'll laugh at them.

But when they say something that the peanut gallery in my mind could believe is true, it hurts.  It really hurts.

In some capacity, we are all broken.

My hope is to be fixed.  For me.

My dream is that for all those I love to be fixed.

You can do it.

I love you.

no matter how much progress we make, there will always be the people who insist that whatever you're trying to do is impossible. ( fuck 'em.)

Carnivore.

Ok.

So, now I'm ready for the Brace Face to leave my mouth.

I have a good few months left.  Maybe around 9 or so.  So wanting them off now is really not good for the attitude.

I've done well though.  I've enjoyed the future outcome up until now.

Really, it's all about food.

I love food.

I especially love steak.

And corn on the cob.

And freshly cooked veggies that are not overdone.

This whole damn weekend was filled with food I couldn't eat.

It was kinda like I was a carnivore-ian this weekend.

Couldn't chew veggies done on the BBQ for our garden party, nor could I chomp on the ones they had at the brunch.

So, I just ate chicken, fish, eggs and sausages.

Not that I'm complaining about that part, but damn!  A piece of medium rare steak would have been nice!

No.

It's hamburger meat for me if I want to indulge in beef.  It's not that good for us anyway, but goddam, watching everyone enjoy was a bit of a downer.

Oh for fucks sakes, now I'm on a food tangent.

I really wanted to tell you about my weekend because I was so busy having fun I didn't get to write.

The garden party was fantabulous!!!  The happy gardeners plugged their way through weeds and overgrown pretty plants, and these amazing friends dressed our yard to the 9's.

Now the G'ma will have to find something else to nag about.

Don't you worry.

She will.

The next day was the Mother's Day Brunch!

Of course, Mr. Homophobia did show up, and pretended to like us to be sure everyone else around him didn't know he was a homophobic piece of shit.

That's saved for my mother to listen to.

There's nothing worse than a two faced person who is nice to your face and hates you behind your back.

I have always fallen for it in the past, but since the 'mean girls' did their two face trick, I'm not so gullible, nor do I give people the benefit of the doubt anymore.

He gave the fake hug hello and good-bye and pretended to care about how we were on this day.

But I have to tell you what the most fun of that day was.

You see, we were at my biological G'ma's old folks home for an extravaganza of a brunch.  My bio-G'ma was seated at the head of the table.

My live in G'ma was seated at the other end of the table.

Bio-G'ma kept staring at the old bird at the other end.

You could read her mind!  Gramma drama was in full swing!

"Who the hell is that asshole down there?!?  It's my table!  I've never seen her around these parts.  Doesn't she know this is my family?  Who let her sit at the end of my table?!?"

It was truly something to behold.  I couldn't stop laughing at the face she was donning.

... or perhaps that was just the pain meds?...

And at the end of the day, we had a really nice family picture to remember the visit.

No.  Mr. Homophobia didn't make it into my picture of love.

But look at those two old birds!!!!

Happy Mother's day indeed.

Complete with my baby sister, her lovely family and Papi.

And pain killers.

if it were easy, everyone would do it

i am the fucking honey badger

Ok.  I'm mother fucking bitchy.

I spent the day yesterday at a 9.5 pain level.  10 would mean I passed out from the pain, or couldn't lift a limb.

I got sent home in an emergency cab.  They wanted to send me to the hospital, but I assured them, "All they are going to do is pump me full of drugs and send me home."

I would rather go home and pump myself full of natural drugs thank you very much.

So, today I'm mother fucking miserable, hence, with my bitchiness comes the inevitable bad feelings I am responsible for creating, from the actions of others.

On a good day, I am the honey badger.  I just don't give a shit.

However, when I've had to take pills for the pain to knock me out so I can sleep at night, well, Hurricane Andréa steps in and I feel the need to spit out the feelings that are like venom in my heart and head, so I can make room for good emotions.

There can't be both up there, so I need to get the shit out, and now, I will.

Well, I must be pretty powerful.

People block me on Facebook and G+.

Not because I stalk them.

Not because I'm verbally abusive to them.

Not because I spread hateful words about others there.

... no ... i just vent about them here to 'you', my imaginary friend ...

But because they like to collectively ostracize others, like a high school gang.

Good god, I hope these people aren't considering bringing up children.  What will they teach them about bullying?

Normally, I don't really mind being blocked, because then I don't have to see their ridiculous posts that are full of hate, or pompous words to try to make them out to be better than everyone else.

It actually weeds out what I am forced to see, leaving me with only positive, loving, inclusive people's words.

So, I suppose they've actually done me a favour, but damn, I must be powerful to have that kind of affect on people, eh?!?!

I'm really relating to quotes about honesty and truthfulness lately.  They're helping to keep me within my own inner power of peace and honesty.

I can't find the quote anymore, but my very favourite goes something like this: being truthful will make you enemies in those who have fear about your strength, but it will also win you good honest people.

It will bring us people who can handle the truth, and talk it out with us, and perhaps, people who can help us see the other side of the coin.

Abraham Lincoln said, "Truth is generally the best vindication against slander."

Only problem is, when you have a group of people telling lies about you, there is always and inevitably sheep who will believe their handlers.

One important thing the sheep have to remember is this Bosnian Proverb: Who lies for you will lie against you.

I am fortunate to be enriched with those who love me for my honesty.

I actually opened up to another person and told them who the 'mean girls' are, but, that backfired.

I won't go into details, because that's just negativity that doesn't need to be hashed out, but I see the truth in their game.

I'm not hurt.  I'm more enriched.  One more weed to pluck from my garden.

My Trust List has begun to shrink a little lately, but it's all cool.

I have enough hearts I've collected in my basket that the other ones I've taken out won't be missed.

Yeah, it hurts, but 'hurt' is just an emotion, and it won't kill me.  It's just a human feeling that will cease the moment I fill it with love.

So, block me bitches. 

'honey badger don't give a fuck'

Times. They are a changin'.

photo by Jezebel

It's only the beginning.

There is so much more we need to do to help heal those who have been harmed by homophobia and transphobia.

So many people are saying it's a 'risky' move before an election, but it's also a good move for humanity and morality.

I hope that this will help the thousands of homeless kids out there, who have been harmed by the ridiculous hatred from their families, who have been brain washed by religious leaders, who's hearts are filled with hate.

I hope that these kids who have come of the age to vote, will actually get out there and make a move to vote to keep this person fighting for them.

It's only the beginning.

For those of us who have our own struggles with acceptance, I hope that it transforms us as well.

I say us, because I'm looking at myself.

Where I was a year and a half ago, experiencing my love's male transformation, was a far cry from where I am now.

I know that my views have evolved.

We all have the ability to evolve.

If we want to.

I wanted to.  I wanted to be able to love mi esposo with the same eyes that saw him as a perfect butch I married.

He is still perfect.

As a matter of fact, he's even more perfect now.

He's a whole person, who is on a path to find himself, and I am only the lucky one to be walking along side of him on his journey.

The person who was in emotional hell a year and a half ago is not the same today.

Those thoughts that I had were terribly hurtful, yet people loved me through them.

My true friends allowed me to have those feelings, they steered me in the right direction, and they supported me when I needed it.

They watched me transform.

Unlike the Hen Peckers, mean girls and haters that I had to face, truly good people held me until I was ready to say, "I love my transgender husband.  He is perfect." 

Ah, the roller coaster of life.

When you're sliding down that hill, it can be exhilarating, or it can be scary if we don't know what to expect around that bend.

The moments where we get to come back up the hill are our times to reflect.

We might even feel the tendency to say, "Do it again!  Do it again!"  The fact that this ride comes around full circle is healing.

We can choose to step off the ride and say, "Damn that was fun!" or we could leave with a sick feeling in our stomach.

Either way, we got through it.

Personally, I love a good roller coaster.  I love the thrill.  I also love the thrill of life.

After the pain subsides, I am free to love the surprises we get, as I'm also given moments of reflection.

The same week a country's leader made a bold statement, my mother actually invited me to a Mother's Day Brunch.

I am shocked and impressed.  She really is going against Mr. Homophobia's wishes.

It's nice to see my mother fighting for my love.

It may be a small step to her, but to me? 

Massive.

Times.  They are a changin'.

what would you do if you were NOT afraid?

'Community'?!? Not bloody likely.

Not sure if I'm too keen on this 'community' thing anymore.

All my life I've known that one on one friendships have been the best way to go for me.

Since a young age, I've witnessed people traveling in herds.

What I've noticed, is it seems that when people travel in herds, they lose their independent thinking.

Someone will decide that nobody is allowed to be friends with a certain person and the rest will agree and follow.

Sounds a bit like high school, or even kindergarten right?

It's not.  It's right here in the 'adult' gay 'community'.

I'm a one on one person by heart, mostly because I can only trust one person at a time.

As soon as people start traveling in herds and listening to The Grand Poohbah whomever he, she, it or they may be, then they can't seem to make an informed decision by themselves.

It's no wonder I retreat and only share one on one time with people who have earned my trust.

I just found out the Hen Peckers have done the same thing to a third kind-hearted, sweet-souled person I know. 

I have also learned about in fighting and accusations from one person to the next.

Not to mention all the people who decide that anyone who isn't versed well in the transgender community are to be deemed 'transphobic' while they try to learn about our brave new world.

What the fuck is going on here?!?!

Each and every loving person in my life has been affected by this ridiculousness.

Why the hell can't we be kind to one another?  Why the fuck can't we be mature and talk out our differences?  Why the fuck can't we grow up?

I'll stick to my one on one hangouts thank you very much.

Every person I love, who treats me with love, is deserving of my friendship.

I don't give a flying fuck who said what to whom.

I don't give a flying fuck about lies and accusations meant to harm another individual's reputation in the name of jealousy.

I don't give a mother fucking shit about the 'mean girls' anymore. 

... trust me ... 'mean girls' is only a name ... there's plenty of 'mean girls' in the form of male as well ...

They can rot in their stew of hatred that seems to be bubbling and running over the edges.  Yeah, we have to smell the abhorrent burning flesh as it hits the red hot burners, searing in it's fate.

How can people be so heartless?  How can the 'community' hold any one of these individuals up on a pedestal?

We need to open our eyes.

There's so much going on out there with the young ones being bullied, but what about adults?

I'd love to say it gets better to these young ones, but honestly, it can't.  I'm glad I never made my 'it gets better' video for my friend, because it would have be a lie.

Life only gets better if we're lucky enough to not have fallen prey to people who still bully as an adult.

So, no, I'm sorry.  It doesn't really get better.  We just make better choices as to who to spend our time with.

Fucking well knock it off everyone!

We all need to fucking heal from the bullshit that is being passed around our people.

How the fuck can we call this a 'community' when there's so much hatred?

At this point, as far as I'm concerned, there is no 'community'.

There are only individuals who are good-hearted that we can pick and choose to support us, and then there are the bullies in their gangs.

I'm so goddam fucking sick of it.

Grow the fuck up.

when i am surrounded by love, i can do anything

change

I just had such a lovely lunch with a lovely friend.

Like I said, my friends will fill me with as much love as I need.

She also reminded me that these same 'mean girls' haven't learned how to grow up yet and subsequently, don't know how to communicate around adversity.

What if they lovingly told me what I wrote at the beginning of this journey was 'wrong' in their eyes?

Then I would listen to their side and they would never have to be horrid toward me.

When a friend suggested I use a disclaimer, I saw her opinion as a great way to begin my learning.

Her point was completely valid.  These were my feelings, and not everybody feels this way.

It was my way of working out how to deal with such a huge issue in my mind.

I understand that a lot of what I've written in the past, especially at the beginning, could be taken as very hurtful to Papi and others who are in the process, or have gone through the male transformation.

However, my views around everything have changed and are continuing to change for the better.

I understand the I have P.T.S.D. from past assaults and abuse at the hands of bio-males.

I see where all my fear was lying.  I had to wade through a lot of mixed up feelings to get to the crux of the matter.

But hey, I'm starting my therapy for all this pretty soon ...

... although i'm sorry to say i was supposed to already have an appointment and forgot ... brain injury ... so much fucking fun all the fucking time ...

I'll have more healing and learning to share with you.

I also understand that hearing things that are hurtful would place a certain amount of fear in those who now choose not to trust my feelings.

I see that.

I also see that the hearts that surround me have never done too much to really 'side' with my feelings, they just 'sided' with my heart.

They supported my heart until I could support it on my own.

They told me when I was wrong.

They didn't try to hurt me for already hurting.

These are true friends who are familiar with honest feelings, and didn't disown me for them.

They are open honest hearts who recognized when it was time to lift someone up, not bury them further in their hole.

However, the biggest part of this that we needed to talk about was the fact that I really believed I was the only person they did this to.

Yeah, yeah, narcissistic, I know.  But I couldn't fathom these people being mean to anyone else.  I think I almost thought I deserved it for a while there.

Yet, it's not just me.  They kick others when they're down as well, so it has absolutely nothing to do with me.

I only hold my own responsibility for my own actions.

Like allowing them to hurt me to the point of tears in public.  Or, allowing my pain of being rejected to grant my suicidal thoughts to start yacking at me.

... nobody invited the suicidal girl to the party!!!!! ...

That won't be happening from their harshness anymore.

Also, I'm responsible for learning from my weakest moments, so that I may heal my fears.

I am really amazed at how far I've come in 16 months.

I know I've changed for the better.  My friends know I've changed for the better.

Anyone who doesn't think people can change, has never had anything about them that they've felt needed changing, and they stay stuck in their own shit.

For their sake, for the sake of all the people who hate me for my honesty, I hope one day they too will change.  I hope they will see their responsibilities in the pain they've inflicted upon myself and others with their bullying.

It's possible.  Change is possible.

i am healing the past, while living in the present

Fuck you and your elitist panties.

I told Papi I wouldn't write about this to 'you', my imaginary friend, but it's so hard not to when I'm so angry.

This is where I work it out.

Hen Peckers.

I'm not the only one they've done this to.

They kicked another of my friends when they were down.

Seems the only way they can feel powerful, is to find someone who's hurting and twist that knife in their backs just a little bit more, to really hit home that they're not good enough for them.

Elitists are so fucking ridiculous.

In the grand scheme of things, they really don't matter.

They have no feelings for anyone except themselves, so when it's your turn to be in the Pit of Doom, they'll get you as well.  It doesn't even matter if you're best friends with them!

The queen bee will instruct all their minions to do as they're told.

These chicken shits who are afraid of losing their 'cool' status will adhere to their every word.

To me, these are the losers that are not cool enough.

I dealt with them in high school.  We all have, unless you were one of them.

But even still, I remember being part of the 'cool' kids until they turned on me as well.

These Hen Peckers are the same 'mean girls' that we all had to deal with in high school.  The only difference is they never grew up.

However, something tells me that when they were in high school, they were hurt by the 'mean girls' just like us.

Then, as a chronologically aging 'mature' person, they figure the only way to be more powerful than another, is to hurt someone even more, even when they need friends the most.

I'll tell you, the more I learn about my queer community and their elitist panties they put on every morning, the more I can't wait to move the the Dominican Republic and get the fuck out out this bullshit and hang out with goats.

Unconditional love from a non-elitist.

Come on people!

Who the fuck do you think you are anyway?

Where do you think all this hatred is going to take you?

Nirvana?

When we're all in the old farts home, I'll be talking about all the lovely souls that filled me throughout my time of need.  I'll be talking about how incredible my life was and that I lived it to the fullest with honesty.

And you bitches?

What will you be talking about?

You'll still be gossiping about how the lady at the next table doesn't deserve to be sitting at yours because she's not cool enough.

Fuck you.

This year, when I'm out and about in the community, I am going to hold my head higher than I ever have, because I know the truth about these 'mean girls'.

I am going to walk with all the friends who have been maimed by their harshness, and hug them every time the 'mean girls' cast their stares down their noses at my sweet friends who deserve the love we have for each other.

I think you'd better change your underwear.  They're getting a bit skanky now.

i attract only healthy relationships