nails on a chalkboard.

So, I was super excited to get those tiny, steel jail cells off my teeth.

However, nobody told me what to expect.  Not even Papi, who just had his off a few months back.

There I was lying waiting for the 'magic braces removal' machine.

 

There was no 'magic braces removal' machine.  Just a little gizmo that went crunch and tore them off my teeth.

Sometimes, it felt like she was going to rip my pearlies right out of my gums!

Yet, that was no where near the worst part.  When all the crunching and snapping was done, they had to remove the glue.

There was no 'magic glue remover' machine, either.  Just a scraper.

Imagine having someone scrape the chalkboard with their nails for half an hour, IN YOUR MOUTH!!!

Scrape, shudder.  Scrape, shudder.  Scrape, shudder.  Seriously.  My toes were curling.

Then she was done, and told me to go rinse.

What I saw in the mirror was amazing.  It was like it really wasn't me!

I was worried someone was playing a cruel trick and I'd turn around and have shrapnel in my mouth again.

I couldn't stop smiling and giggling.

I did feel a little cheated though.

They let me leave without my 'Look who just got their braces off!' picture.  Everyone gets that picture!  I washed my hair for that picture!

Fuck 'em.  I decided I would just have to make my own photo and post it around everyone's texts and a 'few' people online.

 

Then I decided to eat with my new teeth.

Ahhhhh, the feeling of eating without it all being stuck in my braces.  Not to mention the feeling of NOT spitting it at every person in my vicinity.

Oh, and chewing with my mouth closed is pretty classy too.

I bought myself a wheat free, dairy free brownie, cupcake and piece of cake and ate them all in a matter of a few hours.

Then I flossed, because I could.

Twice.

No more Brace Face.

Yesterday, I smiled at every person I passed.  Even the depressed ones.  Yeah, I'm sure they really appreciated that.

Nothing like seeing a happy person when you feel like you'll never smile again.

Maybe I gave them a dose of my good energy for that one moment?

i love and approve of myself aside from my accomplishements

this is not a blog.

I'm writing to tell you there will be no blog today.

And that this is not a blog.

This is merely a memo to let you know why there will be no blog today.

There will be no blog today because I'm busy.

Doing what you may ask?

... are you asking it?!?!?!?  c'mon!!  you have to ask it!!! ...

Because ...






Wait for it ...






















I'M GETTING MY BRACES OFF BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:)

woohoo mothafuckahs!!!!!!

a day in the life ...

The game is, whomever gets to The Countdown first in the morning gets to rip a tab off.  Sometimes it's Papi coming home from a Graveyard shift, sometimes it's me waking up from slumberland.

 

I usually piddle a little from joy when I get to look at this:

 

Papi gets a boner when he looks at this:

 

Then, before I hit the washroom to clean up the mess I made from excitement of getting my braces off, I light The Golden's candle to say good morning and stare at the love we've given him over the past 2 weeks.

 

I've been writing him love notes and begging him to come show me he is OK.  He finally did last night.

He came bounding through the door of my dream, jumped all over me and I told him I love him so many times.  He kissed me over and over and I woke up with a healed heart.

He's happy, youthful and very, very well.

Then I went back to playing in a band with Keith Urban.  I'm not sure why I dream about that guy so much, but I do.

Anyway, then I stagger to the kitchen to make my coffee, and this is the first thing I see:

 

Chaos of preparation.

However, there is one cute thing to look at.

 

You'll have to look really close to see it, but in the depths of this darkness, there is a kitten that goes by the name of The Mrs.  She's decided this is her new home.

She's gonna be pissed when she finds out she has to share it for 8 hours with The Bastard Prince.

After I've fed all the Fuzzy Family, a certain member doesn't want to go outside for his morning tinkle.

This is where he hides, because he actually thinks he's invisible here:

 

Don't ask me why.

But dammit!  It would sure be nice if the li'l puto used it for it's purpose, instead of me walking him outside in my worst outfits possible and skanky hair to go along with it!

A femme should never have to look that horrible in public!

So, there ya go.

Our Closet.

Our life.

i feel radiantly full of abundant energy and health

Time to get a gun.

That's what I'm thinking.

Interesting that this Miranda Lambert song was the song I sang the most yesterday.

Some songs are made for the day better than others, however, I didn't know why I played this one over and over, other than the fact that I love it.

You see, Papi had a birthday surprise for me.

He told me to be ready by 3 and not to eat a big lunch.

How could I not eat a big lunch?

I have $350 worth of food to eat before it goes bad.

Including a wheat free, dairy free birthday cake, filled with sugar to throw my chemical imbalance into a tizzy.

Fuck it.  I ate it.

I ate the whole fucking thing.

That's right.

That's what you all get for missing my birthday:  Hurricane Andréa, complete with zits from head to tits.

What fucking ever, I don't fucking care, and I finished that bitch off last night.

Today I'll be starting on the salmon and shrimp.

Anyway, back to my wonderful surprise.

For starters, we went out to a wheat free, dairy free restaurant and I had a Reuben Sandwich.  It was good times having sauerkraut hanging from my braces.  It made for good Brace Face.

When I was finished brushing my teeth after an hour of hogging the only bathroom in the joint, he got out the GPS and we headed out of town.  As we drove closer to bum-fuck-nowhere, I got more and more curious about where the hell we were going.

Oh, but when we got to the door, I can't tell you how ecstatic I was!!!

A fucking shooting range bitches!!!!!!

I blasted those mother fucking bullets into the pretend person's head and chest. 

I didn't really have anyone in mind for a kill list, so you can all rest easy.

Goddamit, I can't tell you how fucking good it felt with every kick back that little canon gave me.

BANG!!  BANG!!  BANG!!

Take that mother fuckers!!  And that!!  And that!!

I've always wanted a gun and nobody will allow me to have one.

... can't imagine WHY?!?!? hehehe ...

I do have to say, it was probably the best birthday present/surprise ever.

It felt so good.  It felt just like I've always expected it to feel, but it was over too soon.

At the end, when my heart was pulsing with adrenaline, this is what I looked like:

Do you see that look in my eyes?!?!

Oh, how I enjoyed it.  Maybe just a little too much?

It's interesting that the song I played on repeat over and over all day was foreshadowing my day.

Indeed.

Time to get a gun.

life is a joy filled with delightful surprises

Carnivore.

Ok.

So, now I'm ready for the Brace Face to leave my mouth.

I have a good few months left.  Maybe around 9 or so.  So wanting them off now is really not good for the attitude.

I've done well though.  I've enjoyed the future outcome up until now.

Really, it's all about food.

I love food.

I especially love steak.

And corn on the cob.

And freshly cooked veggies that are not overdone.

This whole damn weekend was filled with food I couldn't eat.

It was kinda like I was a carnivore-ian this weekend.

Couldn't chew veggies done on the BBQ for our garden party, nor could I chomp on the ones they had at the brunch.

So, I just ate chicken, fish, eggs and sausages.

Not that I'm complaining about that part, but damn!  A piece of medium rare steak would have been nice!

No.

It's hamburger meat for me if I want to indulge in beef.  It's not that good for us anyway, but goddam, watching everyone enjoy was a bit of a downer.

Oh for fucks sakes, now I'm on a food tangent.

I really wanted to tell you about my weekend because I was so busy having fun I didn't get to write.

The garden party was fantabulous!!!  The happy gardeners plugged their way through weeds and overgrown pretty plants, and these amazing friends dressed our yard to the 9's.

Now the G'ma will have to find something else to nag about.

Don't you worry.

She will.

The next day was the Mother's Day Brunch!

Of course, Mr. Homophobia did show up, and pretended to like us to be sure everyone else around him didn't know he was a homophobic piece of shit.

That's saved for my mother to listen to.

There's nothing worse than a two faced person who is nice to your face and hates you behind your back.

I have always fallen for it in the past, but since the 'mean girls' did their two face trick, I'm not so gullible, nor do I give people the benefit of the doubt anymore.

He gave the fake hug hello and good-bye and pretended to care about how we were on this day.

But I have to tell you what the most fun of that day was.

You see, we were at my biological G'ma's old folks home for an extravaganza of a brunch.  My bio-G'ma was seated at the head of the table.

My live in G'ma was seated at the other end of the table.

Bio-G'ma kept staring at the old bird at the other end.

You could read her mind!  Gramma drama was in full swing!

"Who the hell is that asshole down there?!?  It's my table!  I've never seen her around these parts.  Doesn't she know this is my family?  Who let her sit at the end of my table?!?"

It was truly something to behold.  I couldn't stop laughing at the face she was donning.

... or perhaps that was just the pain meds?...

And at the end of the day, we had a really nice family picture to remember the visit.

No.  Mr. Homophobia didn't make it into my picture of love.

But look at those two old birds!!!!

Happy Mother's day indeed.

Complete with my baby sister, her lovely family and Papi.

And pain killers.

if it were easy, everyone would do it

my sobriety day

Yesterday was my sobriety date.  Only problem is, I forgot.

However, I was given the opportunity to remember.

His name is Danny.

As I limped with my cane, slowly to the front of the store, I was greeted by a smiling man who was panhandling.  I've seen him outside that door before.

I've said 'hi' in the past, when I've been a little more able bodied as I passed, but yesterday, he chose to engage in a conversation.

"Hi!  You look like you're in a lot of pain," he said as he came to help me with the door.

"Yeah, it's not my best day that's for sure," I confirmed.

"I hope you feel better soon.  I'm sorry you hurt so much."

I felt like hugging him, so instead I did it with energy and had a conversation with him, regardless of how much it hurt just to stand.  Crazy part is, I actually forgot about my pain for a moment.

He was excited to tell me that we had something in common.  "I had braces too, you know!"  I smiled a great big smile as he told me this.  My smile ended when he continued, "But all my teeth got knocked out so it doesn't matter anymore."

He opened up to me about his addiction.  "I don't normally tell people this, but for some reason, I felt like I was supposed to tell you."

He was supposed to tell me.

He was supposed to tell me, to remind me that this was my day for celebration.

I told him that it happened to be my sobriety day, and that I am 13 years sober.

I told him that I am an alcoholic, who has found peace.

I told him that I have a chemical imbalance that goes for a ride when I put that liquid devil to my mouth.

I told him that I struggled with drug addiction and we bonded about the drugs that were my drug of choice, which happened to be his as well.

I told him that Papi, too, was living a good life without his choice of drugs and alcohol.

He hung his head, "It's just been so long that I've been using and I can barely remember any of my life."

I assured him, "That's really ok!  Do you need to remember pain?  There's always time to make new, positive memories that you will remember."

He recognized that I needed to get going.  The pain was increasing with every minute I stood.  After we exchanged names, I placed my loving hand on his shoulder and left him with words of friendship.  "Danny, I wish for peace for you in your life.  Whatever that means to you, I wish for you to find it."

I went down to my favourite wheat free muffin stop, and put my pain killers in my soy latte.

When I left, feeling a little relief from the pain killers, I bought him my very favourite muffin and hobbled back up, hoping he'd still be there.

He was!

"I brought you a gift," I told him.  "All I ask in return is that while you're enjoying my absolute favourite muffin that you tell yourself, 'I am at peace'."  All I want is for him to plant the seed.

We spoke more about the fact that he knows what he needs to do, while he made sure I got to my bus stop.  He wanted to be sure I got there, because to him, I was in worse shape than he, so he was my attendant to get me to safety.

While we walked, we spoke about how he knows that the only person who can help him is himself.  I just reaffirmed that all I want for him is to be well.

He looked into my eyes and said, "You have the bluest eyes I've ever seen."  Funny part was, so did he, and I told him so.

For a moment, I realized that it was completely possible that this person with the same eye colour could very well be the brother I've never known about all my life.

Stranger things have happened and addiction runs in the family.

He looked to be the right age, mind you being an active addict, he could be younger.  The facade of age comes when we destroy our bodies and minds with that rotting poison.

But you never, ever know who that person is standing in front of you.  We are all connected.

Danny was put in my path to remind me of why I'm grateful to be sober 13 years.

if i make mistakes, i am able to give myself the benefit of the doubt

goddam addiction

Wow.

So, you know how I'm bubble girl?

Well, I really gave myself a run for my money last night.

I have quite the ritual to get ready for bed, and last night, I didn't do one of them.

I woke up in my clothes from yesterday, sans skirt, my makeup from yesterday, skanky teeth that hadn't been brushed, nor did I have my elastics in that pull all my teeth together for my bite.  I just ate my dinner of peanut butter on wheat free toast and went straight to bed.

Disaster.

All I could think about was this song that I once learned, when I was short listed for Hole in '99.

Too bad for Courtney, she never did get that band back together for me to be hired for.  I hope she's well.

Fuck addiction sucks.

Anyway.

Yes.  I woke up in my makeup, my tights from my skirt the day before, my tights top and bra, and breath from my mess of a mouth that could buckle a buffalo.

It was almost as if I was a teenager again.

Thing is, I learned at a very young age that I'm bubble girl.  If I sleep in my makeup, I wind up with pink eye.

Nasty.

This means that I have to give my eyes a break from makeup today, or I'll have to throw the whole lot out for fear of reinfecting, and that's just damn expensive.

But I'm going out for dim sum with my 'rough around the edges friends'!!!

How can I be high femme without the full garb?!?!?!?

Good god it's hard to be me.

... end sarcasm here ...

I should talk to 'you', my imaginary friend, about a revelation I had yesterday.

I went to the synagogue again yesterday, and there is always a moment for anyone who wishes healing for someone to come up and be amongst the beautiful energy of like minded souls, sending their healing wishes to their loved ones.

I sat in my usual back row with my Gratitude Buddy, and watched everyone go up.

I didn't have a choice when the thoughts came into my mind.  I was gifted with the wish for healing for my father.

Could it be that my father, having felt so much guilt and pain for putting his son up for adoption, have been the reason he had gone down the path of destruction?  Was it because of that guilt?

I thought about the possible remorse he felt of sending his son away at the young age of 15.  How does a teenager deal with that emotion?  Well, they start drinking and take a walk down the slippery slope of drug addiction.

My father is just another broken human being who needs to heal.  However, I can't help him do that.  He has to do it on his own, and he doesn't seem to have the capacity to do so, being the manchild that has never learned what responsibility actually means.

I have to let him go.

Still, the pain of knowing he's in emotional agony dogs me every day.  Every day I feel my very own guilt for learning to let him go.

He can't be a dad to me.  He doesn't have that capability.

He can't even be a friend.  The only time he's ever called in the past 4 years was once to ask for help because his partner needs him to take care of her.

Having never supported my mother while my baby sister and I grew up, all I knew of him was he was a dead beat dad. 

So how, and why, do I feel such guilt for doing my best for myself as I work to let him go?

i am willing to release all guilt

A Mirror Image

If I didn't get on that bus, I would have been the only person left out in the rain.

I didn't want to be the only person left out in the rain.

So, I got on.

I tried to squeeze myself in between everyone and at the same time, tried to find a place for my old lady cart, when I felt someone elbow me really hard in the back of the ribs.

When I turned, with a little more than shock, to see who did this, I heard, "You fucking bitch!"  I didn't know what that was for, but I soon found out.

miserable lady: You fucking cunt **every name in the book** You don't just fucking push your way in.  Get to the back of the fucking bus!

Being a tad stupefied at her outburst, I looked at her with calm, innocent doe eyes, and simply said, "No."

I have to say, I would have rather been at the back of the bus at that moment, but I couldn't get through.  Yet mostly, I wasn't going to allow this gargantuan, scary woman bully this little femme.

ml: **every name in the book** You fucking hit me with your cart and then you just turn around and look at me like a fucking idiot.  **every name in the book** You need to say sorry and treat people with common courtesy!!

I didn't know I bumped her with my cart.  I was only trying to get in so the driver could have his visual path on his right hand side.  I would have apologized, but I couldn't get a word in.

I also might add in here, that when she bent down to intimidate me, she made sure she was within inches of kissing my face, and I could feel her coffee breath that was covering up last night's binge drinking session.  But I answered her.

me: You mean, like you're doing right now?
ml: Go suck on a cock.
me: Nah.  I really don't like to do that.  I'm a lesbian.
ml: You know what?  I can tell!  You fucking dyke!
me: Really?!?!  Thank you!!!  Most people can't tell!!

At this point, I was pretty sure amazon woman was going to clock my poor, healing jaw that still doesn't have all it's bone.  However, fortunately for me, she had more to say.

ml: You're disgusting!!  You're so fucking gross!!  You're such a fucking disgusting dyke that you've got it stuck in your braces.

I liked that one.  But I had to be honest.

me: Actually, that would be my morning eggs stuck up in there.
ml: **every name in the book**

Now people around were a little worried, and they started to move away from us as quickly as possible.  I took this opportunity to stand a foot away from her, because I was seriously afraid of her ability to physically hurt me.

I leaned against the bar and breathed.

I then began to hum a song.  It didn't matter which song I hummed.  I just needed to find that beautiful place I had in my heart prior to stepping on that bus.

She couldn't hear me humming, because of the bus engine and general street noise, so I wasn't worried that she would think I was taunting her.

I decided to look around the bus to keep my eyes off her, in case she wanted to start a fight again, and as I looked around, I noticed everyone staring at me.

They were actually stretching their necks out and around people to take a look at the cheeky one.  How was I the crazy one that everyone had to look at?!?!

I could still hear **every name in the book**

It was time to get off the bus, and when I was about to leave, I leaned over to the bus driver and said, "I really hope you have a good day today."

He smiled and gave me a little wink.  I don't blame him for not stepping in.  He was smaller than me and I was smaller than the bus badger!

Even as she continued, **every name in the book**, I said with sincerity.

me: Have a good day.
ml: Fucking whore!

That was accompanied by the middle finger. 

I couldn't do anything other than feel sorry for her, so when I stepped off, I told her, "I wish you love."

I didn't get love back.  I heard more turrets haunts, but I walked away and sent her as much love as I could possibly give in that moment.

Dear Miserable Lady:  I do wish you love.  I really do.  The pain you're feeling from drug and alcohol addiction is horrible.

I know, because I've been that person.  That person who was mean and rude to everyone around me, because I just didn't know how to deal with my life.

I cried a few tears for this soul, and have been sending her love ever since.

today's mantra from my mc guru:

i am love, i breathe it in and live it, and feel it always

You get what you need.

Clammy.

Sweating and then freezing.

Sore throat.

Bitchy headache of doom.

It's official.  I feel like crap.

I had big plans for this day.  It's safe to say that the old clichés of, "Can't always get what you want," or "Plans were made to be broken," are very true today.

This was a day to plan, look forward to, and go to bed early for.

Except, there would be not enough sleep to heal my throat that threatened it's destructive presence last night.

I thought I told it to back off, but I guess I wasn't firm enough.

I really thought my sore throat just had something to do with the fact that my mouth is filled with canker sores from my recent braces adjustments, and pieces of metal that seem to be poking holes in my mess of a mouth.

Alas, it really is some stupid fucking virus.

It didn't help that I woke up at 4 a.m. with anxiety.

I don't know what it is, but since being the age where I've had an alarm clock to look at, I wake up at 4 a.m. from nightmares or just plain anxiety about nothing I can put my finger on.

It happened again last night.

It's so strange.  It's always 4 a.m.

Last night, I almost had one of the nasty panic attacks I get, but I managed to ward it off by reading my current book, The Five Books of Moses Lapinsky.

My Gratitude Buddy gave it to me well over a month ago, but I'm so slow at reading since the bonk to my head.

I'm required to look bright eyed and bushy tailed for an interview for RightOutTV tomorrow.

I best be taking care of my body today.

I also think that having some down time will allow me to think about things I need to be working on emotionally.

Oh, speaking of which, Mommy Dearest called to make lunch plans with me.  It's about the only time she can get to see me without Mr. Homophobia finding out about it and making her life hell.

That's what our relationship really is.

Secret lunch dates.

I know that's all I get from my mother, and that's been ok with me for years now.

Hey!  At least I get that, eh?

I'm grateful that she goes behind his back to keep in contact.

... can't always get what'cha want ...

What I really want?

I want Papi to feel healthy.

The grief counselling has him tired and depressed.  The healing from so many months of being sick has him tired and depressed.

His body just wants to sleep and sleep.

I miss my love so badly.  I feel like there's a disconnect when we talk.

I feel like our hugs and kisses are petering out.

I miss our connection we had before the bomb dropped about the male transformation.

I feel like I go in for some love and I'm held at arms length, only able to see my love, not touch his heart.

I really need my love to feel better.

I really hope that when he goes away for a week into the sunshine that it might kickstart his heart.

I miss Papi.

life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it

Video Pics!

I'm feeling a little more coherent today.

That was worth the level 8 pain and exhaustion.  Just glad I don't have to perform like that every week, or even every month.

Regardless of how much I hurt, the video for BlueLight is going to be great!

The company Green Couch are amazing.  Their style of filming is going to give our video absolutely astounding life.

Here are a few shots:

I thought I'd share this one first, because it makes me giggle every time I look at it.

I'm not actually attached to a noose, however, this song is about Papi's male transformation, so a noose would be appropriate.

It was us looking 'upside down', which is also how I felt during the worst part of tumultuous emotions I had around my love dropping the F-M bomb.

Anyway, this is the hair that took an hour of picking, and half my conditioning products to undo.

I've never had my hair stand on end before.  I never knew it could.

I mean, you'd think I experienced my hair on end through the 6 weeks of catatonic crying over Papi's male transformation.

But no.

It was Zed the amazing hair stylist who did this with ease!

That's not a spider in my hair, even if it gives me the creeps looking at it.

These ghouly pics don't quite catch the way Green Couch was filming it.  You'll have to wait for the video to actually see the effect they were going for.

You can see Lin Gardiner in the background playing keys, but this is a better look at the two of us together:

If you look at the bottom of the pic, you'll see the company, LMG Photography.

The couple are very good friends of ours who do amazing work.  It's Meredydd Gray on makeup, and Lara Gray behind the camera stills.  They are the same friends who did our wedding pics.

They are amazing.

Here's a nice close up of Meredydd's amazing makeup job:

Yup.  I look like I belong on set for Disney.  However, I'm not sure they're keen on a gay princess with tattooed arms and full metal shrapnel on her teeth.

None-the-less, between Zed and Meredydd made such a fantastic look, I have never felt so childlike in all my adult years.  Goddamit it was so much fun!

But I know what you're waiting for.

The Dress.

Yes.  THE Dress:

Well, we didn't really get a great close up with these pics, because there was so much in the way for filming, but here it is:

There may be more shots to share with you to get a really good idea of why I worked so hard for a week to fit into it.

But for now, you get to see how absolutely frivolous I felt in this get up!

It's probably the last time I wear this gem.

My ass gave the boning in the back a run for it's money.  It slowly creeped straight through the material, jabbing me in the butt for a good 2 hours.  Not to mention I couldn't sit, because that dress would have ripped open if I did.

There's a nice war wound on my ass.

Ah, the suffering we do for our art.

thank you pain killers ... you really did a great job!!!

Or in this case, an overly absurd statement of goofiness.

But my favourite of all, was a pic of pouty me.

Yes.

I do pout.

There's that spider again, only this time, it looks like I have black roots.

Anyway, these are the only shots I have to give you right now.  There's so much more, but I think I'll just wait for the end result to show you.

I can't wait for it to be edited and polished!!!!

There once was this elephant ...

So, as I was saying, our little family has class.

I just got elastics added to my braces.

I now look like the bionic woman under construction.

Last night, my elastic got stuck in my back braces, and Papi tried to unsnag it with tweezers.  There seemed to be more pulling of my inside cheek than pulling of elastics.

The next best part, was when my love would let go of the elastic and the same area Papi poked and pinched with tweezers would get an elastic, "THWACK!!"

The next woeful activity was to remove said elastic, that had at this point, gotten stuck on my front braces.  Well, Papi came in for the kill with the tweezers again, and I had to put the brakes on when I was in fear of my lips from being ripped off.

I took Papi's suggestion and employed the handiest, dandiest, who-knew-i-was-missing-this-in-my-life electric toothbrush.

Up until today, it's bravest mission was to erase the veggie du jour that would be stuck at the back of my braces, just waiting for it's second coming of a meal.

I enjoyed brushing before, but now I feel like I have a weapon!

And a tool.

The handiest, dandiest, who-knew-i-was-missing-this-in-my-life electric toothbrush pushed that bitch right outta there!

I felt like McGiver armed with duct tape.

Anyway, once I had the next round of brace face/rubber mouth set in place I set in motion the dishes saga.  I had to move dishes from our basement suite to the upstairs dishwasher. 

... there's really no pretty way to say i was doing chores ...

That's when I heard probably the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my life.

You see G'ma has a friend who is very good to her and I overheard a conversation:

G'ma: You know I really appreciate everything you do for me.
Friend: Well, you do a lot for me too!
G'ma: Well, you're a good friend.
Friend: Well, you're a good friend to me too!
G'ma: Yeah, well you're my best friend.

This ...

Melted my heart and it may just be me, but when you get to experience a 96 year old expressing BFF love for their friend, you know she's pretty happy over all.

Anyway, back to my brace face.

Today, Lin and I met with film producer Karen Lam and her team for our next video.

Ahem.

Did I mention, I haven't slept yet?

Probably not.

Yeah.

Tired doesn't even begin to express.

Yet it was sure exciting to see the awesome space for our video and hear what the ideas were for the video.

My dark and embracing of mania personality gets to be creative soon.

The funniest part of the video is when they addressed the elephant in the room.  I was asked, "Well, I'm going to ask the question nobody wants to ask; When do you get your braces off?"

I laughed and said with a 'good luck buddy' smile, "Another year."

"Ok!" he said, "So, we're going to get them in as part of the metal aspect.

I like it.

Metal.

Even if it is in my mouth.

And a big ol' 'Fuck You' to you too.

My braces are too tight to eat and the Brace Face is in full force this morning.

Not to mention my coffee is weak.

But hey!

My love gave me $40 allowance, because I haven't received a penny in 5 weeks.

I thought of finding out the woman's name who hit me almost 3 years ago and asking her if she could spare a little.

Today I'm not feeling very forgiving.

Papi has a ton of new 'friends' on Facebook.  The majority of the 'new' friends are transgender.

Makes sense.  People like people that they can relate to.

Well, yesterday, one of these 'new friends' posted on their status about how the partner in the relationship should keep their mouths shut about how hard it is to see their partner go through a male transformation.

This person's words were something like, "To all you people who are having a hard time with your partners transition, get over it or leave.  It's not about you, it's about the person who's transitioning."

Really, bitch?

Papi and I were pretty sure that was this weasel's response to my blog.

go ahead and hate me, i don't really give a fuck, but thank you for the page hit.

Good thing I'm in a malicious mood today, or that might've hurt my feelings.

Instead of being hurt, I'd like to say fuck you.

You're young and have absolutely no idea what it's like to find your soul mate who is the perfect butch, fall in love, marry them and then find out 4 months later that your butch is being replace with a balding, pot bellied, hairy, middle aged man.

When you're in a marriage, it's about both parties.  You don't get to be selfish and say, "It's all about me."

Well, you could do that, but you'd find out pretty quickly that your marriage is ending and you're left alone.

I'm pretty sure you must be single and bitter, and this is the reason for the pungent taste in your mouth after reading my blog.

I didn't leave my soul mate because he's changing genders.

No, I had to grieve because she was leaving.

The person I married is dying, and I'll now be married to a different body.

So, no.  It is not all about you.

In a relationship, there are 2 people.

One day, you'll grow up and find out what that means, and you can let go of your self-righteousness.

I'm grateful that I've had 10 months to work out my grieving and find strength.

Those words that you spoke are the very words I was afraid people would say when I was first hit with the bomb.

They are hurtful.

However, I'm feeling pretty fucking feisty after finding out what the root of my fear about in this transition, and I'm not hurt.

I'm fucking pissed.

You are the very people that we as partners are afraid of and the reason I started this blog in the first place.

We matter.

Others out there are having difficulty with this, and they're afraid to speak out, lest you say those acrid words and make us feel bad for having natural feelings.

Papi 'unfriended' this immature person, but there are more out there.

We find this defensive attitude everywhere.

How about you remember that we're all in this together?

And again, fuck you.

Say hello to my little friend.

I have to rationalize about why there hasn't been any sexy time.

First it was the braces.  I didn't want to get locked into Papi's brace face.  That could be scary.

Then it was the top surgery.  My love was so fragile that I couldn't even get a hug.  That left me longing for mi esposo's cuddles, but was another justification as to why we weren't having a romp.

Well, last night Papi ordered me into bed.

i like it

Yet, that didn't stop me.  I tried another excuse.  I felt like I had to share that my stomach wasn't top shape right now.  Perhaps we didn't want to 'scents' the wrath of my issue?

Oh, no.

That wasn't a good enough reason for my love.

The truth is though, ever since the 5 Foot Clitoris moved in, I'm very uncomfortable with sex.

It wasn't like it was before, where I knew my love's body and could just jump on in with no hesitation.  I knew what to do and when to do it.

Things have changed.

Papi has changed.

It's like starting all over.

My love was adamant that I'd get a little up close and personal time with the 5 Foot Clitoris.

you're really going to make me do this now aren't you?!?!

At first, all I wanted to do was look at it and introduce myself.

"hey how are ya?  i'm new in town and i thought we could grab a bite to eat?"

But I quickly realized that this exploration wasn't really sexy.  It was more like I was a gynecologist looking at a specimen.

No.

Not sexy.

So I dived in.

I didn't know what to do.  Honestly!  The 5 Foot Clitoris is intimidating!  It was beyond that little nut I'd play with with my tongue.

It really did feel more like a miniature penis.

It was so difficult not to revert back to the dislike of the bio-male anatomy that I had to endure in my stint of oh so many years in the closet.

I would have to be snap drunk or sky high to go anywhere near those man bits, and here I was, face to face with the mini-me version who was sticking out it's own tongue, taunting me.

My love's smell was also different and will take some time to get used to.  It wasn't like the Man Stink that occurred near the beginning of this roller coaster, but indeed it was not what I was used to.

time to get out the chocolate sauce?

None-the-less, I did my best, and dammit, I just felt like I was flailing.  I have no fucking idea how to work with this.

I guess I'll have to practise.

*******

A side note to Tricia, one of my blogger friends, here is the updated photo of Papi, the Tranny Terrorist.

And no, this was not taken after sexy time ...

Who loves you baby?

Ok.

So I've calmed down a bit.

Papi doesn't like me helping with the changing of dressings, because of my panic attacks, "It's just a little easier without you **emulate sound here** all over the place."

I just try so hard to help and be of support to my love.

However, right now maybe I need to be of support to myself?

You know when things are just so brutal that you can't even take care of yourself?  That's where I am right now.

I managed to get the tattoo infection under control, then just ignored it.

Seriously.

Haven't done anything to help it heal for 2 days.

This is not like me.

I am usually an avid brace cleaner.  I like these like metal rods with magic teeth straightening powers to be treated with as much care as possible.

Last night I didn't even bother brushing my teeth.

At least I'm eating.  For me, that's the biggest one.  If I don't eat, the world suffers.

Truly.

Everyone around me will feel the wrath of Andréa if I don't eat.

So, I supposed you could say I'm doing that for everyone else as well.

Somewhere in there, I have to start looking at me.

It's a little tough though, because I have a tranny, 5 animals and a 95 year old to take care of first.  Not to mention 11 hour shifts to get through on top of it.

Oh, and don't forget practising for the CD Release on Friday night.

Then there's father's day coming up.  I'm in a tizzy because of that too.  The obligation of calling that person who has never cared for me from the age of 10 upward.

Perhaps that's who I learned this from.

That I don't really matter.

If my own father doesn't care, then maybe I'm not worth it.

thanx dad.

It sucks having a deadbeat dad, but it also sucks being someone who has a heart.  I actually care about him and feel sorry for him that he ruined his life.

I don't like the feeling of 'obligation' to this person, but nobody else is going to care for him, because he hasn't cared for anyone but himself his whole life.

Maybe he should call ME on father's day.

He could say to me, "Happy father's day, and I'm sorry I was never there and I love you."

dream on ...

That's a really nice fantasy.

My birthday is the day before father's day.

I doubt I'll even get a phone call.

think about something else now ...

So, I suppose now that I've identified what it is I'm doing to myself I have to change it.

No point in just looking at it.

Ok.

So now I'm going to go do something for myself.

silence ...

I don't even know where to begin.

update:
just threw my back out.  guess i get that 'slow down' day after all 

Chapter Three: Ella

I've had to save a life from heroin overdose before, and seeing this man doing the funky chicken looked very similar to the one that almost died in my arms.

What was more terrifying though, was the fact that there was a four legged life with him whose leash was being yanked every time he jerked with the drugs' power of involuntary seizures.

"Oh my god sweety, we have to pull over to see if they're both ok!"

Papi reversed as all the street dwellers wondered what we were doing in their area.

I jumped out disregarding any imminent danger that could possibly be in this space.

save the dog, save the guy 

I was mostly worried about the dog.  I know what to do with the guy, but this poor little friend was so scared.

Papi was in the sidelines, securing our car from theft and taking stock as to who was around us.

My love works with all these people and knows that they are opportunists.  The scariest of all are the meth-heads.  They will kill you in a moment of paranoia.

It was clear that this man was on heroin, but those around us could be on anything.

I kept speaking to the man, trying to get his attention, asking him anything to keep his mind from falling into a coma and slipping away permanently.

The only thing that got his attention was one statement I said in anger, "Dude, you're hurting your dog!!"

He snapped out of his fit and you could see the moment of clarity in his eyes, "How?"

"You keep yanking on her leash and it's choking her."  I knew her name was Ella.  One of the street dwellers told me.

I kept holding Ella's leash and keeping the restraint so that she wasn't being tugged anymore.  At this point, Papi had secured the car and taken stock of who was around.  Now my love had the dog's leash taken away from this man, so Ella was safe.

I noticed a few things about our overdosing man; first off, he had a hospital bracelet on.  He'd obviously been in within the past 24 hours, as the plastic was clean and undisturbed.  His name was on this bracelet, allowing me to speak his name and get his attention better.

What else I noticed?

Braces.

He had braces on his teeth!  This man is a new member of the streets.  People don't have braces down here.  You don't get braces unless you have a fortunate life and you are trying to better yourself.

"Donavan, I'd like to take you and Ella home so that you'll both be safe.  Can we get you home?  These people will take your dog and take your wallet.  Do you have your wallet?"

His seizuring continued between words and moments of seeing us in front of him.

It took us quite some time, but we did get Ella into the car, and that prompted Donavan to get there too.

He was flipping around in our back seat, and between the wiggling, I would manage to get small amounts of directions as to where to bring them home.

My main concern was the dog.  I was ready to steal Ella, and tell this jerk that when he got his shit together, I'd return her.

When we got to his home, his very waif-like girlfriend answered the door and Donavan and Ella both went in.

ok ... the dog is alright, the guy is in and now we can continue on our venture.

Papi and I got back in the car a little bit speechless.  It was a quiet ride to the Sexy Sauna Party.

Chapter four begins with the hardest part of my day.  The last part of the day to get through.

This truly is a day worth remembering.

Hide and Go Seek

I don't really get it.

I've been an extrovert all my life.  I've had enormous drive to get out and see people, who in turn, get to see me.

But now?

The simplest gathering of people makes my stomach turn.  I shake trying to put make-up on for the venture.  I make every excuse there is as to why I can't leave the house and be with the gathering.

What the fuck is happening here?

and what have you done with andréa?

It started 5 months ago, with the feeling of being alone in this journey of the male transformation, but now I have my Trust List.  I'm not alone.  However, every time I have to sit with people outside of that list, it's exactly how I feel.

The Trust List were there when I fell.  They told me everything is going to be all right.  They coddled my fears, tears and pain.  They pushed me to speak and get it out when they noticed I had fallen into the Pit of Doom.

None of these people did that, and their chatter really is just noise above the din. 

Oh, but I went.  I acted the part.  I pretended everything is just fine.

here! focus on my new shiny braces. it's a great conversation piece along with the baby food.

Amongst the laughter and blathering emerged one soul whom I never would have expected ...

those damn expectations ...

... to understand.  She knew what it meant when I said I have to go to Florida with Papi.

She looked straight in my eyes and exposed the knowing of my agony.  "I know.  I know how hard this is.  Oh, sweety," and proceeded to hold my heart up while the rest of the room carried on with their glee.

I realized at that point that I've been doing a classic Andréa move; just ignore it and it will go away.  Just pretend everything is fine.

I've had to use this technique since I was a tiny child.

I'm so good at ignoring mess, ignoring noise, ignoring people.

I'm a pro.

But this one soul didn't let me get away with it.  She adamantly made me feel the burn.

When I was ready to leave, she told me, "I once loved someone who went through the change.  I couldn't stay with them.  I want you to know that it doesn't mean you don't love that person.  I want you to know that you're not a bad person for feeling what you're feeling."

"I think this is the hardest part, knowing who I can trust with 'this' pain."

"Oh, sister I know that oh too well.  I may not have the right answers for you, because I wanted to stay in that relationship so badly, and I tried so hard, but I just couldn't do it.  I don't know if I'll have the right things to say, but I do know that I understand exactly what you're going through and I'm here to listen and bounce things off of."

Another one.

Added to the Trust List.

Another soul that has shocked me with the surprise that they've been there.

Where the hell are all these people?!

Why aren't they forefront in this world so I don't have to feel so alone and terrified?

Come out, come out wherever you are ...

Grant me the serenity ...

Papi says it was all a joke.  "I sat there with it waiting for you to see what I'd done, but you never looked."

fair enough, i do get a little obsessed on the coffee shop, and i was overjoyed watching the baby eagles too ... so maybe it's the truth

"By the time you saw it, I'd forgotten I'd done it and would have gone to work like that.  But you freaked out and started doing my hair."

hell fucking yes i did!

I'm a little more calm about that now.

Yes.

Now I can focus on the other things that are testing my serenity.

testing? i don't think so ... you're already gone. weren't you plotting how to kill the cat?!

I googled some nice chicken purée soups and veggie smoothies, then promptly went out to buy the ingredients.  When I came home however, there wasn't a clear spot on the counter to make anything.

oh i'll make a spot ... i'll just shove all you bastards to one side! haha i win!! goddammit!! where'd the mother fucking knife go?!

We're still living in the mayhem of boxes.  The Great Sewage Flood Purge is taking a long time.  Papi's down for the count with a never ending, tooth extracted, bleeding gum, and I'm too tired to do anything from lack of nourishment.

or at least that's my excuse ...

Fucking boxes.

Everywhere.

I managed to make myself my very first, raw food, vegetable smoothie.  I did exactly what they instructed.  I really need to get my greens in, and they recommended stuffing as many leafy beauties into my new VitaMix as possible.

After I blended up the fruit, I stuffed in my gems.

And stuffed.

My anticipating eyes were thrilled as I added the luscious, lovely greens!  My waiting mouth was ecstatic that they would soon be entering my anemic blood stream.  I'd be feeling better in no time!

I took a sip.

uh-oh

Honestly, I had to nurse that fucker for 3 hours.  Oh, I consumed it, but I had to take itty bitty sips through my straw.  It fooled my stomach into believing that I was full.  That was a good thing.

But the flavour?

Um.  Dirt milkshake anyone?

I still have 2/3 of a blender to drink.  It's going to be strictly a labour of love for my blood stream to finish off this puppy.  My body better fucking well thank me for the suffering I'm about to endure.

After I finally finished my healthy, veggie smoothie that tasted like I'd eaten the lawn, I ate a smooth, chocolatey, sweeter than sweet, bucket of coconut ice cream.

Yup.

Reward.

 How do these raw food people do this?

Thank god I still get my coffee.  There would be a police situation in the house if I couldn't.  It just might have to be double coffee days until I can find the counters and chew food.

Tranny Hair 9-1-1

Papi's not doing so well with the tooth extraction.

It's bleeding a little more than it should and that also comes with aches.

But seriously, that's no excuse to be going around with a bad hair.

I've noticed something in the F-M community: some people's idea of 'man hair' is to have that slicked back 'do that makes them look like accountants.  All that's missing is the pocket protector.

Honestly!  There's no reason for this.  You can look attractive with good hair even though you're going through changes.

This:

is not necessary.

It's my biggest fear that Papi will go from a hot butch into an ugly man with bad (or balding) hair.

I panicked when I saw what my love was going to go to work with!  I don't care if it is just work, "Oh, no, no, no!!!  You are not going to do that to your hair!!!"

The Tranny Terrorist's excuse was, "My head is aching from the pain so I can't wear a hat."

"Still!  That doesn't mean you slick back your hair into ugly nerd mode!"  I scurried to the washroom and got the goo out.

In the most frantic way possible I gooped up my love's hair.  "Gentle!!!" Papi cried, but onward I went doing whatever I could with it to make it more presentable.  It looked a little rough around the edges, because my love hasn't had a hair cut in a while, but slicking it back?

no fucking way. ain't gonna happen with this femme around!

Papi laughed at my frenzied behavior, and asked me if I was about to cry.  I replied, "No, but I should.  Don't you ever try that again."

My braces?  I don't know what's the matter with me, but I may just be the only person on the planet who is enjoying them.  They don't hurt like everyone warned me.  I'm really enjoying this experience!

I, unfortunately, do have one drawback.

Now my teeth don't touch, therefore I can't chew any food.

Yes folks, I'm on baby food for the next 2-4 weeks until my molars actually straighten out enough to meet.

The anorexic in me is thrilled!

woohoo!!!! diet time!!!

The more realistic person in me is not so happy.  I know what being on a liquid diet will do to my moods.

who cares if i'm bitchy! c'mon sexy jeans! i'll be wearing you in noooooooo time!!

There is no pain.  There is not even a headache.  I suppose because I've had a higher tolerance to pain from the accident, I'm not feeling the headache that most would.

Life's pretty fucking good in Metal Mouth-Ville.

I feel contentment with these little silver brackets.  It feels like the strength I've always wanted in my jaw is coming.  They're my little guardians, coming to save my mouth from catastrophe.

Not to mention, the masochist in me is cool with the pressure in my mouth.

Mind you, this is only the first 24 hours.  I may have a different tune after a few weeks of liquid food and canker sores in my mouth.

My hillbilly

I've had a great couple of days poking fun at Papi.

The Brace Face is epic, and now yesterday, my love had a front tooth extracted.  Now mi esposo looks like a rich hillbilly.

My love had a really hard time with all the bleeding and pain yesterday.  Papi always says, "I wouldn't have been able to go through what you did," in terms of my motorcycle accident pain and dealing with the brain injury.

I still say it's all relative.  Whatever pain you have right now is the worst pain ever.  Really.  Think about it.  When you get a paper cut, isn't it fucking awful?

Well, drooling and writhing in pain from a back and neck injury is terrible, yes, but now that the worst is over for me, my version of level 7 & 8 pain is much different.  I had it just the other day.  The searing affliction of a jolt to my already fragile back was enough to almost make me upchuck.

I know it was definitely not as bad as what I went through right after the accident.

So really.

It's all relative.

However, now it's my turn to have the fun poked at me.  At 9:15 a.m. today, i'll have braces as well.  I don't need a front tooth extracted, but in 9 months I'll have nasty jaw surgery and both upper wisdom teeth removed.

Oh I remember the suffering of the lower wisdom teeth removal.  Tooth pain is brutal!!

I have big plans on the 'ToDo' list, and Papi says, "Yeah, good luck with that, you're not going to feel like doing anything!"

My 'ToDo' list may be diminished to the Great Sewage Flood purge.

I haven't found my clothes yet.  Can you believe it?  Papi has everything and it seems that every box we open is another full of my love's t-shirts.  We've already gotten rid of 3 boxes full of mi esposo's cotton gems ...

now who's the hoarder?!?!

... but they just keep coming!

And I haven't found one pair of jeans.

Got my yoga mat though!  And the sleeps on our beautiful king size bed have been luscious.

This hoarder is slowly letting go of 'stuff'.  You want to know the funniest thing I've collected for the past couple of years?

Twist Ties.

Every time I get a new, fresh, deep green bouquet of black kale et al, I take the twist tie off and cut it in half, then put it into a little pencil box.

The box is so full that it can barely close.

I'm really not even sure what I'm gathering them for.

but wait!!! you'll never know when you need them!!!!!

Can't see them coming in handy for the Apocalypse the zealots go on about.

I listed them on 'FreeCycle' because I thought SOMEONE would want this amazing treasure, but noooooooooo.

Nobody wants them.

Alas, they're in the trash.

The big day!

You know when you have an important goal in mind and a date set to it?

For instance, quitting smoking, starting a diet, going back to the gym etc.  We usually give it a Monday or the first of a month.

Well, since the sewage flood, we've had the wrath of Mondays and month beginnings as times we're told we'll have our home put back together.

For the past 5 weeks, we've been told all our belongings would be back on 'Monday' so many fucking times I'm beginning to feel like I'm re-experiencing a dead beat dad.

Never showing up.

I just want my king size bed.  I want my favourite yoga mat.  I want a choice of clothing other than these fucking jeans I've been wearing for 4 and a half months straight.

Mind you, since the most recent re-injury, I may have to lose a few pounds to get back into my sexy jeans.

maybe i'll start monday?

I also figured out that my experience in the bathtub in the bathroom with no door became a conversation piece for the restoration workers.

One of them announced, "OK!  You have a bathroom door now!" and the houseful of workers all laughed.

yup ... my panicked 'don't come in i'm naked!!!!' moment must've been a fun hoorah for you buggers

I think what's going on with Papi and I is really surrounded by this being let down every Monday to have our lives back in order.

Ever since the great 'pajama attack', Papi thinks my sarcasm is sensitivity and I think my love is a bit too cranky for my liking.

Well, yesterday mi esposo had a reason for the crankies I guess.

METAL MOUTH!!!!!

My love got braces!  I get mine in two days, that gives me a few days lead of teasing Papi about the funny face that's going on.  The head start of silliness makes me happy.

HECTOR has a CD release party in June.  I'm going to be singing through the braces.

sexayyyyyy

Oh god.  Here's the cleaners.  Back for the last of the final clean.

Gimme my fucking bed already!

Wait!  What's this I see!??!?!

A MOVING TRUCK!!!!!

HERE COMES OUR STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!