She wouldn't even give me a chance to make it up to her and now, well, I've been deleted off her and her wife's Facebook 'friend' list.
However, there's another half that is just as devastating. My being selfish has warranted me being fired from the band BlueLight.
I guess all the times I talked about being able to do more music when I'm in less pain from living in the Dominican Republic didn't matter.
She felt that I, selfishly selling 2 of my musical items, meant that I didn't care about our project and that I was quitting, but that was so far from my thoughts.
Now, I'm fired for my egocentricity of not thinking about her first, not thinking about storing my stuff there and not asking permission to sell my own belongings.
They've done so much for me in this friendship, and are such minimalists, I never thought for a second that she'd want to store my 2 crappy items in her home to collect dust.
I didn't want them to feel I was overstepping boundaries by asking them for another piece of their space.
I was already going to be taking a huge part of their home with my piano. Now it's time to find it a new surrogate.
One of the crappy items I was selling was bought at a pawn shop for $100 for fuck's sakes. So, to me, the excitement of getting a new keyboard was thrilling!
Yet, it was wrong, because I didn't ask my producer's consent to start anew and selling that keyboard broke our friendship.
It's a quarter to four in the morning, and I can't sleep from the sadness of not only losing one of my closest friends, but twofold, being kicked out of our project.
I have to say, she has never understood what it's like to live with this new brain. She wants to believe I am the same as I was before the motorcycle accident donned me with brain injury.
Yeah, so do I.
I fuck up so much. I act before thinking.
I can't think properly when I'm stressed, because once that stressor has kicked in, my brain can't do the right thing.
I get lost and disoriented. I get panicked about situations and react abnormally. I don't have the 'get up and go' I used to, to hustle for the band.
Worst of all, I sell my things without asking if that's OK with my producer.
At one point, when she was saying the meanest things to me, I asked her to call me to talk about it. All I wanted to do was clean it up and keep my friendship and musical partnership in tact.
Instead of talking about it, her and her wife deleted me from their lives. It makes me wonder; have they thought I was that selfish all along and this was just the last straw?
I guess I won't know, because she won't talk to me.
When I said I was purging my life, I didn't mean it literally! I meant it as in the 'things' in my 'life' that are replaceable!
I should have been specific and said I was purging everything that was monetary, not my friends or my band.
I'm so heartbroken I can't even tell you.
Papi is being such a supportive, sweet love. Just one of mi esposo's hugs will help strengthen my heart.
One thing I can tell you though, is there is this wonderful little item on the market called Rescue Pastilles. These little puppies are working wonders for me.
Every time I'm in my usual hyperventilating of tears, these little buddies take me down a notch so I can get out of the cycle of crying, and into a calmer place.
Goodbye clonazepam! Fuck you and your poison!
I've found a natural way to heal the emotional triggers that create the bedlam of P.T.S.D.
Still, it doesn't mean that I'm magically happy.
No, being dumped by my friends who I love so much hurts, and will probably stick with me for a lifetime.
This sadness from my loss is so deep.
Perhaps I should hoard something?
i am a worthy friend