My Old Lady Cart

It occurred to me yesterday that referring to my love as my spouse, and 'he', has now become effortless with only a slip up here and there.

I'm not cringing every time I have to say it, and I don't have the urge to want to tell the person I'm speaking to, "But I started out married to a 'she'!!" every single time.

Yeah, I did.

But now I have a 'he'.

A gorgeous, big-hearted, loving, generous, animal loving 'he', who describes 'fun' as the ability to taunt me by asking me, "Here!  Touch it!" as he pulls at the little hairs on his chest.

I am so glad I have this opportunity to get used to it all before we get to the Dominican Republic.   I don't need my love getting tranny-bashed when we get to paradise by my slip of a tongue.

It wouldn't be paradise anymore.

Speaking of paradise, I started my trek with counseling.  It was a teary hour, but it will get better.

I also want my paradise to include a P.T.S.D. free life from past traumas.

I want my life to be free of anything that would hinder our relationship.  I don't really have the energy to drag all that luggage to the Dominican.

I gotta get rid of it.

It's all a part of The Great DR Purge.

Oh ya!

Today was my first day riding the 'short bus'.  It was so nice to have a stress free ride to get out of my isolation and the Dungeon Syndrome.

AND!!

I went to the surgeon for my 3 week checkup and the splint and elastics are now gone!

Not that it makes any difference to the amount of food that trails down my chin in an effort to stain my favourite bra.

Oh, it's so nice when it's a sticky sweet substance.

That's my fave.

Anyway.

I don't have to wear the mouth crap and I look a little more normal now.

With the exception of the chipmunk cheeks.  They're still a bit round.

I do feel less stressed about time.  I have nothing but time until my next appointment.

I had enough time to go buy myself a handy dandy cart.

Yup.

My new fancy dancy old lady cart.

I have an old lady shopping cart to drag around with me so that I am able to bring my water, snacks and this here computer.

It's not so bad.  It actually feels really good to not be wasting gas in our monster of an SUV.

No, I don't like them, but we needed it and now we're stuck with it.

Or, I should reiterate, Papi is stuck with it.

My ride is much bigger than his.

My mantra today comes from my MC Guru:

 even through the thickest rain and darkest clouds, i can still see the light

Sparkle and Shine

My drummer and I went for our promo shots for the newest HECTOR CD to promote.  Lara Gray did an amazing job.

That's the nice part about digital.  We now get to see straight away what the shots are like.  It is a blessing, that newfangled technology.

It would prove to be a comfortable photo shoot, as I would be with 3 people from my Trust List.  Another blessing, as I don't have to look perky to try to fool anyone.

All I had to do was give a sparkle in my eyes, exposing energy to translate in a picture.

While we were waiting for our photographer and her wife, my good buddy was talking to me about 'it'.

He has known me for years, and has known me very well.  He has seen my life take it's twists and turns, as well as watched me change with every scene in this lab experiment of life.

"Don't be offended by what I'm going to say.  You are someone who remains very calm in moments of crisis, but when there's nothing going on in your life, you seem to not know what to do with yourself."

"Yeah, it's my defense mechanism.  But don't you think it's fucked up that all the experiences I have are not something I run out to look for?  They just come to me."

He laughed and nodded with a silly squinty face of agreement.

He then said, "I usually run from things, where as you tend to go in head first and get it over with."  He explained that by running away from it, it comes back to hit him twice as hard.

I know this to be true in his life as well.

He also went on to tell me he doesn't know what to do to help, or what to say.  It's just not an experience that most people have to deal with.  It's pretty far-gone and out there.

However, one thing he did say is, "You married for the person, as the person is, good or bad."

True.

He also admitted that if I'm not happy, this is not something I should feel I have to stick out because of marriage.

Also true.  I told him I have been very honest with Papi in terms of my biggest fear; that I would no longer be attracted to mi esposo.

If it was mi esposo who had that awful accident 2 years ago, and became disabled for life, or if any other disaster was to happen to change my love, I would still remain married to Papi.

I love this person I married.  The level of my commitment is far deeper than that pit of doom.

Right now, I'm wearing Papi's engagement ring, and here's why:

One; my love only wants to wear the wedding band, not the engagement ring as it doesn't look 'manly' to have the great karat diamond hanging out on that ring hand.  Papi is afraid of someone recognizing it as a female trait and doesn't want to get tranny bashed.

Two; we are going to have to sell it to get my surgery for my jaw/orthodontic work done, and the ring will pay for it.  I get to wear it until it's time for me to get this 'eek' of a surgery done.

I get a piece of my love on my hand, day in, day out.

It's chunky and shiny and looks really good.  Too bad I'll have to give it up in a year or so.

and dammit!  i also have to be careful where i am ... i'm now wearing a total of 20 grand on my fingers.

Still, my love is there on my digit for me to hold and look at during every moment of every day.

And now, my dear imaginary friend, I must go tend to the fading, old, sick kitty.

He's still hanging on, barely, yet still.

as am i.

A Blink of Peace

There were no tears yesterday.  I don't mind this anger thing.  It keeps me from wallowing.  But man I'm cranky with the animals.  Hard not to be when there's 3 cats and 2 dogs in a house that isn't a home because of a sewage flood. 

I got through some yoga yesterday and my back re-injury is getting so much better.  I had a moment where I actually had sweat.  That's a good thing.  There's an couple of rolls on my gut that weren't there a few weeks ago.  I suppose binging on all those bullets shot me straight in the gut. 

And the butt.  So, the mirror is not my friend right now. 

I think the emotional binge is over.  I forgot that it seems to be evidence of anger brewing when I binge like that.  I have had my eating disorder under control for so long that I forgot what it was like to try to kill myself with cookies.  And dairy.  My sinus cavity is also my foe right now.

I've been supplementing my loneliness with strangers here on the blog forums.  It seems that I just need to aimlessly speak to people about 'nothing' at all really.  They also made me giggle.  They don't know me.  It's safe, and I've had company.

One sweet soul said he did read my blog and felt for me.  I had to jump off the forums right away lest I speak about 'it'.  I felt a moment of non-judgement and caring.  I also contacted a person who was an M-F and she had some love to show as well. 

I'm just so terrified of people I know in the 'real' world.  I tried to ask for help from one person and they pretty much shut me down on the spot.  I knew it was confirmed when she said she had no time to see me, but when I saw her hanging out with someone else, she had the heebie jeebie attitude with me.  I knew that she wasn't interested in supporting me.

Then I contacted another friend and told her flat out that I really needed support.  She never returned my plea.  These two people don't know that they've created a world of fear.  They're part of the reason that I can't go on to Facebook.  They're part of the reason I can't speak.

I am hanging on to the few strangers and small gaggle of wonderful friends who have given me sparks of confidence.  The people who don't terrify me in my fragile state.

I'm just so weak right now that I can't handle one more rejection, so having a few days of beautiful people who have adopted my heart and gathered the little pieces that have fallen to the floor has been good.  Really good. 

My heart is getting put back together by these amazing souls. 

Oh crap.  Now I'm having tears of joy.  Could you let up for just a minute?!?!?  Jesus!!!  Give me a break!

yikes.

Sometimes I live in a bubble. I still have that ego disease that teenagers have. You know? Where they think they know everything?

I know people are killed for being trans, but I didn't know just how many. Papi is afraid of being 'tranny bashed'. I suppose I was only thinking of us living in this tiny Vancouver bubble where 'different' is more welcomed than other places in the world. We still have gay and tranny bashers, but there's a bigger circle of people who love us. Who welcome us with open arms. Hell, we even have the United Church who will let you believe in god if that's what you choose.

Papi said, "If this 't' is going to ruin our relationship, I'm going to stop this non-sense."

Papi would do that for me because of my uncontrollable water-works that come out in my very unattractive sobs. My love doesn't want to see me suffer. My love is in anguish when I cry. I can't imagine how rueful Papi would be if the real truth of just how much pain I'm in about the transformation came out.

I know that 'this too shall pass', so I don't speak the words out loud of where my mind goes to when my heartache feels like it's coming all the way from my toes. Nobody really needs to know that unless I was really planning on that horrid selfish act. If I was, I'd go for help. This I can promise, but I can't help just how far into the depth of darkness my mind will take me during those moments of mourning the loss of my wife.

The scariest part is not my crazy mind, the scariest part is, what happens if mi esposo goes through the top surgery and has a hysterectomy and passes for a man until the sweet voice of a woman comes out? Nothing in our little bubble of acceptance here in Vancouver, but when we go on our holidays to places like we're going in the spring, much could happen.

We're going to the Dominican Republic in the spring and they are not so forgiving of 'different' folk than what is taught to them from birth. They're quite religious to the point of being a zealot. They are a homophobic country by generalization. I know there will be some folk who are not, but as a whole, they follow the bible and the zealots who say that we are not people to be loved.

We are planning to move there. So. If Papi doesn't pass with a voice of a man and people figure out the secret of my love while we're living in a pretty little home with lush trees surrounding us in our self made haven, if someone figures out that Papi is not a bio-male, well, really bad things could happen.

I could not only lose my wife like I feel like I'm losing right now, I could lose my love from this world all together. It's a reality that people are dying all over the world from the hands of hate.

So, when my love says that this 't nonsense' will stop, well, it's not only the fact that I know I'll be the reason for stopping my love's happiness, but it's also that if Papi wants to pass for a man and we're in some part of the world that is not forgiving of 'different', Papi could die.

I have to look at that. I have to be realistic. Papi can't go half way or there could be consequences that I could never live with. It would make these dark days feel like a cake walk.

One transgendered person is murdered every three days. If I want to keep mi esposo here with me to live out this life together, there has to be a realistic look outside my bubble. We're not staying in Vancouver forever. I have to look at the outcome of more than just my selfish tears about losing my wife.

Yikes.