peace on earth, well, for me anyhow

I'm doing so much better with my anger toward zealots who use religion for hate.

I really am feeling less angry, and it's a much better way to live.

I'd like to share with you what I found on the internet some time back:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians??

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbours. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wriggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I couldn't even look at the word g*d without feeling anger to the point of turning red, suffering with my heart pounding.  I would use the above as a way to fight.  Now I see it as a way for my own peace.

The bible was written by mere mortals, pen in hand, in hopes to gain power over people, not love.

My anger stemmed from being exposed to mean nuns when I was raised.  I realized, if these were g*d's people, then I wasn't a fan of this g*d.

Also, as a tiny child, I prayed best way I knew how for my life to get better.  It only got worse.  I then decided there was no g*d and was vehemently against anyone who could ever believe in such crap.  It was my only way to survive this world of hate and anger.

I still don't believe in a g*d, but I'm definitely a firm believer in spirituality amongst astral beings that surround us.

I believe in angels.  Nothing has ever swayed me on this position.

Anyway, my point is, now that I'm starting to allow myself my own spirituality, I'm having so much less anger around that three letter word.

It sure feels a lot more peaceful.  I've spent way too many years seeing the word g*d as a synonym for bad because of all the anger I saw in people who believed.

I can now just put two 'o's in the middle and turn it into something I can believe in:  good.

I believe in good.  I believe we all have the power to reach one another with collective love.  One by one, we can change each person in the world, and change the anger and hate into acceptance of one another.

Last night, I set my alarm and woke up bright and early at the crack of 3:30 am Vancouver time.  This was to meditate with the rest of the people in the world who were celebrating the solstice and asking for peace on earth.

You would never catch me waking from my beauty sleep for anything in the past, but I did it last night.

I didn't feel anything like I did from my Soul Activation, but my intent was there.  I sent my positive energy out as best I could, and imagined myself breathing with the rest of those who were doing the same.

Even if I can't feel the angels all the time, they're there.  They are fleeting and will expose their energy when they see fit.

The angels are here and I have so much more peace.

i welcome, and am open to receive all abundance that comes

new possibilities?

Good god the fucking emotional roller coaster!

At this juncture, Papi has pulled it together, but I haven't.

Last night, the impact of my life changing was my dramatic issue.

I had a moment of, "I really can't do anything right."

Then I had a moment of, "What the fuck am I going to do to have purpose now?"

Which led me to, "Who the fuck am I, now that I'm not the performer I used to be?"

All these feelings came up after my case settled.  I suppose the focus on appointments and evaluations for 4 years has left me with no room for much else.

We're starting a brand new life in a few months, yet somehow, I still having troubles letting go of all I lost since the accident.

Prior to my life change, I really only thought that my only purpose in life was to be a musician.

I can look forward to doing more music in the Dominican Republic, where I'm not in as much pain as I am here.

I can still write music.  I just have to wait until I'm in a place where I can feel better to do so, and it's right around the corner.

Everything seems to be falling into place so eerily.  All that's left now is for us to wait for my braces to get outta my teeth.  Then we're gone.

In the meantime, I'm filling my life with learning Spanish, Hebrew and Judaism, and I've finally learned the purpose of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur.

Here's my smallest nutshell I can give you of how I've learned about it: we're supposed to take stock of the mistakes we've made that have either impacted someone else, ourselves, or us both.

... sound a bit like one of the 12 steps to you too? ...

I've also learned, these 10 days are here to start a new year with new possibilities, after you've learned from your mistakes or admitted to the person involved how you learned from it.  Forgiveness, in a sense, yet it seems it would be an apology to ourselves for being such asses in the first place.

What all this brought on for me, was a shift of looking at what my potential is, not at what my losses are.

I believe that this is an amazing moment in my life.  Everything is falling into place, not much unlike when you see you only have about 15 pieces of a puzzle left.  Then you think about the next puzzle you can do!

It's uncanny that my case ended at the beginning of this breath of change in thinking from Judaism has come.  How was I lead to learn about it at this very occasion in my life?

So often, people think of me as an atheist.  I'm not purely an atheist.  I'm always questioning everything, because I am an agnostic verging on atheist.

Otherwise, I believe in some kinda 'something' that I can't put into words, but the closest I can say is it's like molecules of energy surrounding each one of us.

This coming together of so many pieces is how I believe the energy works with me.  I just have to stop fighting it and be clear to accept it.

Why was I lead to learn about this moment in time of new life at the very moment that my case wrapped up and Papi and I are beginning anew?

I've been passed on to a new level of letting the past, and all it's losses, go.

If I don't make room for the new by sweeping out the past, there will be no space for my new life to come to light.

I'll never be that girl that I was before the accident.

I have to let her go.

I must look at my new prospects that will come to me when I'm open to them, no matter how terrifying it is to jump into the deep end.

The fear of the unknown has been one of my obstacles in life.

Well, I guess it's time to take all the strength in life I've ever gained and take that bitch on.

Bring it on then.

I'll put up my dukes.

I always do.

i acknowledge my errors, learn from them, choose the correct path, and move on

an anonymous encounter

At the very least, The Mrs. forgives me.

I was told I was feeling too guilty about the whole Papi relapse debacle, and that I was doing the right thing.

I know I am, but it's hard not to be with my love, especially when we had such a wonderful day yesterday.

It was really nothing out of the ordinary, as we saw the G'ma and answered the same questions she asked when I saw her last week.  We went to the house and I apologized to our Fuzzy Family and gave them as much love as I could for that short period of time.

We had such a nice time just talking about 'nothing' in particular.  It felt like I'd never been gone.  It also felt like this 2nd week will be the hardest. 

Papi, being the person cleaning up his act, feels it's kinda silly that I'm staying away for another week, because he's dedicated to staying clean 'n sober.  I now believe and trust this to be the truth.  I honestly just felt like staying with him last night, but Java the Mutt was relying upon me.

I don't even know where the 2 weeks 'rule' came into play.  It really was just a thought that I had while there was more snot and tears on my face than skin.

However, there is a reason, and I don't even know why.

I have some strange alternate sense that I don't even understand.  It doesn't matter if I don't understand, because I trust my intuition, even if others don't.

At the end of our day together, I didn't want to leave mi esposo, so I decided to join him at a late night meeting.

You know that meeting?

The one we're never supposed to talk about, because it's anonymous and is full of drunks who may, or may not, be sober.

Yeah, that meeting.

For my own sanity, I had to stop going to their convergence 8 years ago.  Their idea of non-denominational membership was not the same as mine, and I'd always leave feeling empty, because I didn't believe in 'their god'.  All it did for me was make me want to give up on happiness and drink.

Well, last night, guess what the topic was?

Yup.  God.

... for fucks sakes people ...

And guess who was the first person asked to share?

Yup, me.  Can you guess what I said?  I'll put it in a nutshell.

"I had to step away from these rooms, because they're supposed to be non-denominational, but somewhere along the lines, this became a Catholic church.  I'm still looking for that atheist meeting that actually follows the tradition about non-denominational fellowship.  I still need to be around sober people, because honestly, when my spouse was drinking in the beginning, I thought that if he could drink, maybe I could too.  I'm grateful he relapsed into a bottom to remind me that I too, am not able to drink normally."

Oh, I went on and on with more of my non-god talk and that's when people left the room.

I'll never be asked to share at that meeting again, I can promise you that.

The rest of the meeting was spent listening to everyone who did stay trying to convince me of the 'miracles of god', and I overtly rolled my eyes the whole fucking time.

Until 'god' gives me a phone call to tell me he exists, there's nothing that little books written by humans, and 'ideas of proof' can tell me to make me believe in some dude in the sky with unruly, unshaven hair, Birkenstocks and a toga.

They wonder why people won't go to their meetings.  They wonder why people would rather die out on the streets than get the help that they so desperately need.  People are dying because the zealots can't respect the tradition of the program being non-denominational.

The zealots took over and royally fucked it up for the rest of us.

The good news is, I did find some words about sobriety that were good for me to hear, and I took those words and left the rest of that fucking bullshit there.

I may go back, because I have less anger about their podium gospel since I left 8 years ago and tackled my sobriety on my own.

I'm still sober, without your fucking belief system, which is more than I can say about a fuck of a lot of people there who think that memorizing a book is the only way.

End rant.

i have abundant faith in my ability to succeed

rolling with it ...

It really is the worst possible time for this 2 week sabbatical.

Papi and I are both feeling it, but most importantly, we're still moving through it.

My love has been working hard at his end of the deal, and so have I.

It's really not easy.

I have seen mi esposo a few times, where we can.

Yesterday he did his chauffeur job and drove me to an appointment after I got to the Vancouver side of the Burrard Inlet.

Even if it was for those 20 minutes of getting a ride with my love, it was worth it just to see him.

The hardest part is when I have to leave, knowing that I don't get to sleep in our bed.

"Can you drive me to the SeaBus now, Papi?" is the hardest question to ask.

I just want to be with him.

I don't want to be somewhere else, even if I do have the coolest temporary roommate, Java the Mutt, not to mention, my Eternal Friend whom I'm grateful I'm able to spend a little time with.

It is wonderful to get to get to have this quality time with my Eternal Friend whom I've known since elementary school.

It's like a little holiday with her gorgeous North Van condo, complete with soaking tub and bubbles!

At the same time I'm making the best of this situation, it's still difficult to have to live out of a suitcase.

However, I would rather that than to live with an active alcoholic.

It's important for me to know that I can live away from him, in the off chance his addiction could one day convince him that the bottle is more enticing than a life with your love and your soul mate.

I have to do this to know that I'm still able to have a sober, drama free life, even if the addict/alcoholic is abusing their drug of choice.

I have to do this so I'm safe.

Papi now has 5 days clean and sober.

Every day he works on his part, is a day I'm closer to going home.

A day closer to getting back to my Fuzzy Family who are currently not speaking to me.

Yeah, they're pissed.

They're not impressed that I've 'abandoned' them.

I'm sure they'll get over it when I get home.

We all will.

'I just want my life back to how it was,' is just a myth.

Everything is changing.

There is no 'how it was'.

Ever.

If we try to stay with 'how it was', we'll be sorrily surprised when life gives us the gears.

If we don't roll with it, we'll remain the victim.

So, I'm rolling.

Even with all the rocks and roots that jab me as my little muscles careen down that hill, I endure bump after bump.

I roll.

It's better than being in the Pit of Doom

Honestly, I'm cool with rolling, as long as I'm not being kicked when I'm down, and so far, everyone has left their hen pecking, shit-kicking Daytons at home.

Instead, I'm feeling so much love, support and hope.

i discover new aspects of my self-confidence daily

Well, at least we're still alive.

Sometimes, I really do wish there was a 'god' to believe in.  If there was, I would have prayed yesterday.

Papi woke me up wayyyyyyyy before my time, excitedly chanting, "Baby!  Get up!  We're going to Seattle Pride!!"

I thought, perhaps this was a joke, but my love knows better than to wake me up for mischief.

My love prepped my coffee ...

... that was where the trouble started ...

and I did my best to get to 'pretty femme' in 20 minutes.

Needless to say, it was a hat day and I wore the clothes from the birthday party the night before.  It was reminiscent of my drinking days where I'd be strolling around in yesterday's party dress, complete with skanky, buffalo breath and day old panties.

This time my teeth were brushed and I wore clean underwear.

Anyway, we fought on the way down, partially because my coffee wasn't doing it's job, my bitch of a back was screaming at me for sitting in a car first thing in the morning and my love hadn't slept from his graveyard shift.

No, it was not our finest moment, and we very rarely fight.  Very, very rarely, which already made it an odd start to our day.

Eventually, the pain killers kicked in, the coffee did it's job and Papi took a clonazepam.  Then we thought the fun would start.

We got to the parade and had the absolute best spot.

That was, of course, until the religious zealots came with their horrid signs and stood where we could see them.  I couldn't handle it.  It made me crazy that some dude thinks it's ok to spread hate, with a sign that has a picture of jesus skinned alive on a cross, in lifesize form.

That just doesn't say, 'come join our loving family' to me.  However, that wasn't even the worst of it.

The worst of it was afterward, while we were enjoying our people watching at the festivities end, a man sat beside us and abused his dog.

Not being the type of folks to sit back and stay silent, we tried to tell him there were better ways to train your dog other than kicking and abusing it.

I tried to connect with the dog, but he wouldn't allow me to show it love.  He pulled it away from me, however, I still had a moment to notice blood on it's left eyebrow.

I was almost sick.

We stood our ground while he threatened us for speaking out about his abuse, but were grateful when it seemed like he had left.

Wrong!  Mentally ill abusers don't leave without the fight they came for.

He returned and got in Papi's face violently, and when I stood to put my body between him and my love, the women all around me shook their heads to say, "Please, don't engage.  Please, don't do anything.  Please, stay safe."

Fortunately, he exited again before I got pummeled, but he also left us with his energy.  It took me so many breaths to calm from his abuse toward the dog and us.

I wanted so badly to save the dog, but also I wanted so badly to shove the tip of my boot into his groin, give a palm thrust to his chin and stab his eyes with my fingers.

We didn't have any positive experiences after that, especially when he wound up in our vicinity once more where we thought we'd be safe from him.

Both mi esposo and I were so scared for our lives that we had a tandem panic attack.  We were also scared for the dog's life, but there was not much more we could do safely.

We left Seattle, silently.

We drove back to our home and since that moment, I've wished that there was a 'god' who would actually listen and help heal our damaged people and animals.

It's making me really feel that this world is no longer a place I want to be.

It's making me yearn for a planet where I can give love to animals, to people who need it and to have peace.

All I want is peace.

This agnostic, who verges on atheist, wishes there really was a 'god' to bring that, but alas, that 'god' still hasn't called on the phone to talk about all this.

I'm still waiting.

i will never stay silent.  i will always stand up for those in need.

oh, MY 'god'.

Wow.  My brain woke up from my coffee and the strongest level of ionized water I could squeeze out of that machine, when I realized what an amazing day I had yesterday.

You see, I've been going to the Shul (or as us non-Hebrew speaking folks call it; the Synagogue) regularly for the past month and a half.

I've been enjoying myself, receiving positive messages about spirituality.

I've been so impressed by the consistent positive revelations I've been seizing, that I wrote to the Rabbi and told her, "I have never willingly gone to a house of worship in my life.  Thank you for your positive wisdom and for being on the path of my spiritual journey."

Afterward, they always have a potluck.  I forget to bring food, always, however, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to bring.  I have no idea how to make kosher food really, or even to find the foods to cook with.

Anyway, they are all nice to me even still.

Yesterday was a little out of the ordinary.  My gratitude buddy had to leave right after the service, which left me alone, to talk to people until my 'short bus' came to get me.

Talk to people!?!?!  Do you know how afraid I am of strangers?!?!?

But something magical happened.  I sat down with two old men and debated spirituality, NOT religion.

I was in my glory!!!

I listened to their belief system and was so happy to sense them being ok with how I believe.

I think that's what attracted me to this house of worship to begin with: Free thinking.

One of the first times I went, I listened to an agnostic verging on atheist speak about her journey in spirituality, and what it means to her.

I couldn't believe I'd found someone like myself in a house of worship!!!

Well, yesterday I was sincerely in my element.  There I was, sitting around the table, talking to those two old men who had gads more religious experience, and I realized, I may not have religious education, but I indeed have very strong spirituality.

I may not believe in a 'god', but my spirituality is powerful and mighty enough that two old men, who regularly visit Jerusalem for their religious journey, actually listened to what I had to say about spirituality, and genuinely cared to hear it.

I told them how I believe that spirituality and religion are completely different, and only very rarely do people actually have both.

Most people feel that if they follow the ritual of their chosen religion, that they are closer to their 'god'.  But personally, I believe some of them are further away from their 'god' than I am.  Religious ritual has nothing to do with spirituality, to me.

These old men listened and understood what I was saying.  They accepted my belief.  They didn't belittle me like most zealots and say, "You're wrong.  God is the only way."

No, they questioned my belief system in such a way that it made me understand theirs a little more.  At one point, a woman who had joined us couldn't handle the debate of 'What is spirituality?', 'Where does our soul actually exist?', 'What is our higher power?' and 'Why do we return to this house of worship?' because her belief is one dimensional.

Not to mention, she feels she had an experience, that to her, trumps our beliefs.  What she doesn't understand, is I've had years of an experience of finding my own path of belief, and mine is just as worthy as hers, albeit completely different.

And that's ok!  She walked away because her's was so strong.  I'm kinda glad she did, actually.  I have my own belief system and I'm finding more and more people that have the same beliefs, and we all know that it doesn't matter 'what' we believe in, as long as we have 'something' to guide us along our spiritual path.

I can't tell you how amazing it was to be able to say out loud to someone there, "I'm not comfortable using the word, 'god'."

It was like a release of every spiritual struggle I've had, when the person across from me said, "I only use that word, because it's easier than trying to explain my belief."

Bingo!!  You got it!!

Truly, I have found my people.  Truly, I have found a place where I can be who I am, yet still be in a room filled with people who believe that positivity, not power, is the path to enlightenment.

It set my day up for even more beauty, and that moment I had of Nirvana a few months back had found me once more.

i am secure in myself

halle-fucking-luja

I had another moment of bliss.

Joy of living!  Gratitude for life!  That feeling of elation, because I understand life's secret!!!

It occurred to me at that moment, that I have really lived my life.

I have lived within the permission it has given me, but none-the-less, I have lived.

It doesn't matter that I've had times that have been difficult.

What matters is that even through the turmoil, I still strove to make myself happy.  I didn't do this for anyone else but myself.

I have given myself a gift that nobody can take away from me.

At the same time, nobody else could give it to me either.

I saw my dentist the other day.  Here was this man who has a wife, 2 beautiful children, a breathtaking office view of our amazing city, that consequently, we get to enjoy while he's drilling our mouths, and he really has no money woes to speak of.

All the things a lot of us would kill ourselves with stress to have.

Funny part was, he was envious of the fact that my music is transferable to other countries.

He said, "You are so lucky you can move your talent to the Dominican Republic and do it from there.  I'm stuck here."

I have lived.

I continue to live.

I plan to live a hell of a lot more.

Friday night, I realized that I have created the happiness in my life.

No matter what has been given to me, I find a way to get happier as my life goes on.

I am no where close to believing in some dude up there in Birkenstocks, a toga, with hair and a beard that could use a little trim and dye job.

But I realized, that what I do believe in, the belief in the exchange of positive energy, is my belief.

I could exchange all the beauty other people find in that three letter word I'm supposed to believe in, with the word 'energy' and I finally have a way to relate.

I had tears of overwhelming joy, which were a little embarrassing.  However, My Gratitude Buddy and all the other sweet souls who comforted me made me feel welcome to have my feelings.

You see, I attended the Shul for the 3rd time again Saturday.  What that building lacks in size, more than makes up for it with positive messages and love.

It truly is a place of peace.

I realized that my agnostic verging on atheist struggle has begun to rest.

I am ready to let go of the atheist within me.

I can believe in energy.

I don't have to call it what the zealots prefer I call it.  I have a belief system and it works for me to keep me happy.

The most wonderful part about this, is that in my 3 visits to that place of Judaism, I have found some more people who consider themselves agnostic.

They, too, are searching.

They, like me, are needing more than just a few words in some silly book to tell them how to think.

There are so many free thinking people I have encountered in that building of love, and I realized something yesterday; I fit in.

I've found my place where they allow me to be who I am spiritually.

I have been building my belief of energy since my spiritual breakdown 10 years ago.  I can now say that I'm well on my way to understanding what people mean by praying.

I couldn't get it before, because how could I ask some imaginary dude for help?!?!

I still can't use the word 'pray'.  It's too much of a reminder of the evil in my Catholic upbringing.

But I can say I create positive energy around me.

Those tears of joy washed away my strife of searching for my place.

I have a new path.

It sure is a beautiful feeling.

today's mantra from my MC Guru:

let's live life with joy instead of judgement ~ don miguel ruiz

Uh-Oh!

Now it seems that Jesus and the devil are fighting for my attention!

You see, I drink ionized water.

Here's my machine that has helped me so much!

People think I'm a kook because it greatly increased my cognitive healing after my brain injury.  After a year of brain games and following doctors' orders, within 1 month, my 5 minute attention span became 20 minutes

yeah yeah laugh away ... i'm telling you ... it's the truth bitches!

I'm a bit of a water fiend/snob.

Don't bother asking me if I'd like a glass of anything when I come by your humble dwelling.  Well, unless it's coffee, but then I probably have had my one cup for the day and will refuse that as well.

Yup.

Off track.

Again.

Anyway, you have to change both the filters every once in a while when the tracking number gets to 9999, and the numbers are displayed on the front.

So, I approached my wonderful machine to fill my super thick Ikea glass full of oxygen filled love.

 As I got right up to the machine, I saw this:

I suppose that if there is a 'God', and Jesus is hanging around with G'pa in the attic, then The Devil should have a few words in as well, right?!

I mean, we can't really just listen to one side of the story, right?

It's only fair.

All I can say is I hope I don't start seeing Jesus in my toast, or The Devil in my dreams.

But really, all I want to say is I'm still waiting for my phone call from 'God'.

If this phone call does come, you're allowed to legally commit me to an institution.

No, really!

You might as well, because I'll probably be sitting in the corner sucking my thumb.

That would be the final straw that would blow my mind.

In the meantime, while I'm waiting for 'God' to surface and prove it's existence, I'll just keep trudging along with life as I know it.

I mean, it's super important to get in my America's Next Top Model quota, not to mention I'm starting on the next film score.

which has me sooooooo excited!!! this one will be right up my industrial music alley!!!

Now that The Devil has made it's appearance for this agnostic verging on atheist, I can see that my life is balanced again, and I will be back to slamming the door on the zealots that come a knockin'.

There ya have it.

I thought I was famous here in Blogger and Tranny Terrorist land!

Nope.

Even Jesus and The Devil want a piece of me.

Either that or the medicinal marijuana has fried my brain, leaving me delusional.

But then again, I do have pictures for proof!

Jesus lives!!!

Ok.

I'm pretty sure Jesus is stalking me.

Let's back up for a sec.

Remember the sewage flood and The Great Sewage Flood Purge?

It's been a while since I've been to the attic to see what clothing I have.

Well, if I'm being honest, the brain injury didn't even allow me to know about all that existed up there.

I now have a brand new bunch of dresses to choose from!

The real reason I was up there was to find my winter puffy coat.

Found it!

And guess what I found in the pocket?

Seriously.

Of all the people that could receive this little gem, this agnostic verging on atheist is the last one to actually appreciate this gift.

I'm pretty sure that if I believed in 'God', I would be shouting from the mountain tops that he's sending me messages.

No.

It's just Jesus, and here is my gift:

I thought it was probably the Tranny Terrorist making a funny, but my love assured me he didn't do it.

Honestly.

Who's the one who keeps getting the zealots at the door?

Who's the one who incessantly has to explain to the G'ma that I don't believe in her 'God'?

Who's the agnostic verging on atheist who gets royally pissed when people try to push their beliefs on her?

And who's the one who has Jesus in their pocket?

Me.

I don't really get it.

It definitely wasn't G'ma who put this gem in my pocket.  G'ma can't get up the stairs.

g'ma has just left for 3 months!! my blood pressure has resumed normal levels ...

So, there's a mystery in the house, and I'm pretty sure I know who did it.

Yup, it's Jesus, and he's stalking me.

I don't deny that he existed, but I have a hard time believing that he's always hangin' around me.

Though I just have to wonder, who's the devil who keeps taunting me with all this!!??!?!

Hang on!!

Maybe it was the ghost of G'pa.  I occasionally feel him in the house, and apparently he was a real joker.

So there it is!  I just figured it out!!

G'pa has combined forces with Jesus and they're playing games with me.

Papi always says, "I wish you got to meet G'pa."

I have, Papi.

I have, and he's a cheeky bugger.

Early Halloween Trick

Ok.

So I got spammed at the door by the sweetest door to door folks that I've ever been spammed by.

I haven't even really sifted through the propaganda yet.  I had to write this first, because it's not often I get to experience such beautiful energy from people at my front door.

And besides, it doesn't really matter.  The story of how I got the hard sell was the best part anyway.

So, I was sitting there being OCD about finding the bargain shopping online, ...

... yes ... when we have ocd, sometimes there's good parts ... like hitting all the sales in town ...

... when I heard two sets of feet thumping up the front stairs to knock at our door.

Fortunately, I was already up, or I would have been really cranky with the cocaphany of barking that I encountered. 

... however, papi was sleeping ... sorry my love ...

Anyway, these 2 prettier than angel, sororety sister-ish, most delicious cheerleaders in the world, 20-something ladies were at the door.

The Galloping Gazelle was with me, naturally.  He was my shadow for a week.  However, it also makes for a good reason why I didn't open the screen, with a simple, "Not my dog, can't open the door," excuse.

They wanted to know if I knew anyone who was hard of hearing or if I knew  someone who did sign language.

hello!!! i just woke up!! i've always wanted to learn sign language!! and there's a certain 96 year old who is deafer than papi and i can handle!!

I put The Galloping Gazelle behind the living room door, and we talked for a while about this poetry in motion.

This then turned to me talking about how much I've always wanted to do it.

Which then turned into how I want to teach children English in the Dominican Republic.

Which then turned into how I could learn it from a DVD.

So, here's where it got going.

The instruction manual was teaching sign language by making your way through the bible.

Normally, I'd stop the presses right there and say, "Have a good day," but these girls were just such beautiful sweet souls they didn't give me that zealot vibe.  I thought, "Yeah, it's all right.  They are just talking about how they learned it.  They're not talking about recruiting me for the first agnostic verging on atheist to be born again."

So, we talked a little longer about sign language and I said, "Good luck on your venture," with my happy face on.

When I got to the bottom of the 'my didn't they do a great job of the carpet' stairs, I heard the rapping on the door again.

... dammit people.  ok.  do you know how much it hurts to walk 'quickly' back up the stairs again?

Well, there were the two beautiful angels again with the greatest, "I'm just so sorry," faces on and I had to love them all over again. 

They just wanted to give me their contact information, and a little bit about the mission they're on to find all the people who are hard of hearing to give them more of a community.

Of course, I just thought they were going to give me a couple of biz cards 'n pamphlet thing.

I mean this envelope didn't look frightening:

Seriously!  Read this:

I was so excited because I thought maybe there was a chance that I'd be able to learn it and bring it with me to the Dominican!

When I got to the bottom of the 'my didn't they do a great job of the carpet' stairs again, I opened it with joy, then let out the biggest laugh that I probably woke Papi.

If you're not familiar with this propaganda, I'll get it a little closer to show you:

Ok you little buggers.

You got me.

But I do have to say, you got me in the nicest way possible.

Good on'ya!

now i'll be leery of those crafty, pretty girls.

But one thing I did realize in the middle of our sign language conversation?  Perhaps there's someone in the Dominican that will be able to teach me sign language in exchange for teaching English to their bambinos.

The greatest part of that whole interaction was when they told me I could learn sign language in the Dominican, because there's tons of people there who use it.  I said to the crafty, pretty girls, "Thank you so much.  You have just given me an awesome new possibility for my next venture in life."

And I truly meant it.

After I opened the envelope, it felt like it was Trick-Or-Treat just a little too early, and I got the trick end of the deal.

None-the-less, I do know that these angels came from a place of love, and if love is being spread from what they're doing, then go, ladies, go!  You are truly the kind of people that give me faith in the religious kind.

I'll just hang on to that nice feeling for a while.  It's not often I leave those circumstances with a feeling of love.

I'm sure it will take no time at all for the evil, religious zealots to piss me off and ruin my love fest with hate.

It's me we're talking about.

I'm not really known for holding my feelings back.

And the beat goes on ...

Ah, my dear friend anxiety has come in for a visit.

again

When I was a kid, my mom would tell me not to worry so much.  That I'm going to give myself an ulcer.

then i worried from that day forward that i would get an ulcer.

Hell!

Even when I was a pot smoker, I'd be the paranoid one in the corner worrying about whatever.

Really!

Whatever!

that was of course after i got the giggles and munchies out of the way.

I could be in fear that someone was watching me ...

 

... or that my crazy loon religious family would figure out my dark secrets and I'd be homeless or worse; I would have to hear the rantings of brainwashed deranged kin who were spreading the word of 'god' through hatred and fear.

I used to think that my worrying, or rather, anxiety would go away once I got clean and sober.

fail.

All that happened is I was able to recognize what I was fretting about a lot faster.

Right now though, I'm having the willies about work.

among other things of course ... us anxiety ridden fucks can't stop at one issue ...

They had already called me into the office to talk about my days off due to my back injury, and right afterward, I take another week off.

not to mention i missed the pride parade and gender odyssey that i probably won't get my money back from ... guess i'll brood about that now ...
 
I'm pretty scared I'm going to get fired because they have decided I'm too much of a problem.

I really try hard to be there.

I actually like my job and am the kind of person who has to stay busy.

or i'll think too much and get anxiety.

But they can't have a limping, wincing in pain, polyester clad employee helping people with disabilities.

Some of my clients already feel like they have to help me sometimes.

That's just not good.

Yet right now, as I write this, I am not being paid for my sick days.  There is officially no income coming into our home on my behalf.

Oh, when I'm not thinking about work, there are far better things to worry about.

Really!

I mean, this agnostic verging on atheist doesn't believe in this 'god' that some people believe in, but damn, have you looked at the world recently?

If you look at it on the whole, there is so much going on that could very well be moving toward the apocalypse that the zealots talk about.

The 'touched' will hold their signs saying we're going to die on 'X' day, and it never happens.  However, the way the world is sliding, we could be heading for doomsday one breath at a time.

I don't believe we're just going to implode on any certain day.  I think that we're going to head towards it slow enough that we won't even realize it, and when we least expect it, we'll all be living in what the zealots think of as hell.

At this point, I really feel that living here on earth is another form of hell.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm not saying life is all doom and gloom, but damn!  When I see someone in the news who has beaten a woman by smashing her head continuously and raping her for days on end in front of her 2 year old, spits on the victims family as he's escorted past them, and finally smiles at the news camera in a moment of pride, I have to wonder.

Is it coming faster than I thought?

i'm pretty sure i feel that ulcer coming on ... my stomach is hurting again ...

There's so much more in life to worry about than my simple problems, aka: a soul mate who's going through male transformation.

I'm just a lucky person who has found love in this maniacal world, has food, shelter and a fuzzy family.

Yet, still, my blood courses through me and saps me with anxiety.

Why?

But I'll be damned if I go to my doc and ask for the medication that's needed to calm anxiety.

It will make me fat.

And then I'll obsess about that.

Food cleanse fail.

I buckled and drank coffee.  I needed it.  I was going to kill someone if I didn't have it.  Mind you, I only had one cup and that was 2 days ago.  At least I'm still on track with everything else.

You see, I have this problem with anxiety.

It makes me a crazy person.

No matter how hard I try to keep it contained, it just rears it's ugly head and spits venom.

I have 3 shows in 5 days beginning on Tuesday, and the past two days I've really felt the stress of it.

To make matters worse, we all received word that the live artist we booked for the biggest of three events was backing out.

I did really well with understanding her side of it.  I remained calm.

Seriously.

If it was Andréa from even 6 years ago, I would have burned a bridge.

not that it wasn't burned when she backed out of a show a week before the gig ...

I want to remain an acquaintance, because she's lovely.  But unfortunately, I won't be able to work with her again.

fool me once.  period.

She had called me while I was getting something from 'the list' done.

the nagging, scolding, list of impending doom

There I was, trying my best to hem these fucking curtains, while my blood is trying to spew out of my skin from the anxiety that was pumping through my veins.

I need to get busy when I'm a spaz, so curtains it was.

At the same time that I was speaking to the curtains as if they were a living being, ...

just fucking sit still you mother fucking bastards!!! ...

... the phone rang.

I was so happy to see her name on the phone's screen, because there was so much to talk about for the show.

Then she dropped the bomb.

Like I said, I held it together.

When I got off the phone I went back to the curtains.  Suddenly, they didn't seem like the enemy.  Suddenly they were behaving much better.

My blood calmed and I managed to get them finished and get to my practise on time.

When I returned home with my vocal cords feeling a wee bit strained and my energy level on .25, I realized that my love had said something earlier that upset me, and I had held on to it since the beginning of the day, until I saw Papi's gorgeous face.

It was obvious I was feeling 'something' and being the wonderful spouse that mi esposo is, we talked about it and all was good.

It was then that Papi realized something before me; I'm freaking out about the performances.

It's just like it has always been since I was a little girl getting ready to perform "Day By Day" for my very first piano recital.

i hated that song then and i gag about it even still ... did they know they gave a religious song to a budding agnostic verging on atheist?  was this to taunt me?

I am satan spawn for a week before any performance.

to say the least ...

You see, I have this problem with anxiety and I just don't know how to tame it.

I will take suggestions.