Butterflies

So, these last few days that I was without 'you', my imaginary friend, were quite the blur.  There was so much work, joy, stress and blah blah blah ...

Do you ever just look at ...

... ahem ...

... life's lessons and you get figure out the moral of the story right away?

It's always nice when that happens.

Maybe I'm speaking cryptically, but it's because my brain has not quite opened up to what day it is right now.  I really pushed my injured noodle to the limit with this fucked up adventure I just went on.

I will get there and tell you a little bit more about my whirlwind of the film score mania week, but let's just say, one of the lessons learned is that we should always take time for our lovely friends.

In the meantime, I will talk to you about my love.

i mean, that's why you're here anyway, isn't it?! it's not really about me ...

Papi is healing very well, and it's been nice getting to have my love awake and laughing, even if it does hurt.  I mean really, laughter heals, doesn't it?

So anyway, I'm a hypochondriac, and Papi teases at me about it.

seriously ... i'm positive i have my mother's cancer even though it hasn't shown on any tests ...

Well, Papi was also convinced that there would have been cancer in my love's woman bits.  It's not really too far off the cuff to think that, considering my love did have pre-cancerous cells.

I do believe this is part of the reason why I'm doing so much better with this most recent surgery.  I, too, was also afraid that Papi would have had something going on there.  Plus, I didn't have to experience the gore of changing dressings on this round.  It's all hidden away, tickity-boo.

phew ...

And besides, Papi's fear is warranted, not only because my love lost his mother at the impressionable age of 10, but also because my love has a horrid pop addiction, and probably the worst diet second to The Beast.

oh ... don't bother asking about the beast ... that's way too long of an epic life lesson to share ...

So, when they did indeed remove that last portion of woman bits from mi esposo, I was probably just as relieved as my love to get that bitch gone!

Something that I'm really learning about my life with a transgender person, is what being in love really means.  Papi really is that same person I married, minus a few less 'bits'.

So, when people commented on Papi's 'changing' voice this weekend, I had to look at them like they just might be imagining things, because I just don't see it.

You see, in the beginning, when I was all fucked up about this transformation, I was thinking I wouldn't be very appreciative of the Helium Voice.

The Helium Voice is a rite of passage that every bio-male and transguy must venture through.  The cracking of the voice is definitely not music to my ears.  However, there is a lesson in this.

When people say my love's voice has changed, I just don't see it.

It's possible that if I wasn't so adept in Papi-land, I would hear it as well, but when you live with someone day in and out, some of the changes aren't as apparent.  I really don't notice my love's voice being any different than it was before.

Oh, here's another one!  A week after Dr. Scissorhands had his way with my love's uterus ...

and ovaries ... fallopian tubes ... and cervix ...

... I was looking at my love's side angle face and I noticed side burns.

Yes.  Sideburns.

I thought I just wasn't paying attention before, and they just popped up to flaunt their tentacles at me.  However, my love said, "Have you noticed how all of a sudden my side burns have come in since the surgery?"

No.  I just don't accept that removing that womanly body part would change mi esposo into the male my love sees in the mirror, but there is evidence, and you know what?  It's kinda cool in a fucked up reality kinda way.

We, who are in love with the transgender person, really have a world to exist in that not many others get to experience.

Through the tears, fears and anger, we get to watch our morphing butterflies reach for freedom.

I guess that caterpillar fuzz on my love's upper lip is no longer going to be a fledgling.

I'm ready.

I had a really nice visit with My Person yesterday.  It's always so comforting to know that someone can read my mind.

She instinctually repeated what I had said yesterday in terms of Papi not really being totally on board with my new choice of pain relief.  When My Person's partner says, "You know, I don't really like it when you _____," My Person's rebuttle is, "Yeah, well I never asked for a dude for a partner, so get over it."

She's just so funny, and it's just so true!

I appreciate that I don't really have to say much for her to understand where my heart is, and vice versa.

I know acceptance is a really good thing.  Getting to it is the object of the game.

Neither one of us is perfect.  We're just who we are and it is our spirits that we love in one another.

Now that the drama of the Tranny topic is becoming a more peaceful experience for me, I'm really coming to terms with the fact that I really have been a closeted Tranny Lover.

I look back at the women I've been attracted to and damn!  They're either so androgynous that people would mistake them for men, or they're transgender and are now going through/have gone through the male transformation process.

There's people that have told me they're going through with the transformation, and I would drop my crush immediately, because, "That's just not what I want in a relationship."

Papi never wanted a pot head in a relationship, and we both wound up in love with our biggest fears.

goddamn ... we really did good on this one, eh?

I can go on about our Tranny situation in jest, frustration or tears, but there really is one very scary truth that my love and I need to look at.

Papi and I are starting to really get our thinking caps on now for what we should bring to the Dominican Republic.

I was starting to wonder if Papi was having cold feet about the whole deal, but getting to know my love more and more, I realize that this anxiety around the 'what if's' is really just my love's personality.

However, there is one topic that is very much a reality to fear.

The island is so religiously brainwashed into homophobia, that if they found out Papi is transgender, the possibility of my love being killed is very real.

Religion can really breed hatred and violence in people when it comes to anything to do with the queer topic.

I know this is truth.

It's truth in our own country, in our oh so very liberal city of Vancouver, and in every other country in the world.

My love is changing, and looking more different to people every day.  I don't really get to see the changes, because they're so slow, that on a day to day basis, I don't really notice.

However, I get to see these changes through others' eyes.  They will mention something is different, and I'll eventually see it as a new reality.

Yet, it's still just the gorgeous person I married, with a few adjustments.

Anyway, I think that by the time we get to DR, my love will be past the Helium Voice stage ...

which has been a lot better that what i feared ... imagine that! ...

... and there will be a lower voice.

My love's scarring from The Great Breast Disappearance will have calmed down a lot by this phase, and perhaps my love will have done some body building to disguise the scar as well.

Those little critters that poke out of Papi's chin seem to be much stronger than the previous little peach fuzz caterpillars that I would cringe over.

Yes.

I'm seeing much more from a place of acceptance.

This is starting to feel like I'm coming to a place where I can speak freely about where I've come from in these 9 months.

I think I'm ready to be someone else's 'My Person'.

Just a Moment

Successfully accomplished fuck all yesterday.

Today I may be manic trying to catch up, but before I do that, I need to regroup and have a chat with 'you', my imaginary friend.

I always feel better after we've spoken.

or perhaps it's the fact that 'you' come along with a cup of coffee ... hmmmm ...

I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed with all I have to achieve over the next few weeks.

I had a really nice talk with bandmate/producer Lin Gardiner the other day.  It was about energy.  It was about how little I have since the brain injury, and how I'll be joining with BlueLight as my primary and HECTOR as a secondary.

I do 99% of everything on my own for HECTOR and sometimes, just trying to get my drummer out to a sound check on the gig day is even work.

With BlueLight, I have the hardest working, most professional person I could ever ask for in a duo.

Pre-brain injury, I could take on the world.  I would say 'yes' to everything, do it all myself, and somehow swing it with my superman boots and cape affixed.

Now?

It's all about one thing at a time.  I no longer have the drive.

or the organizational skills ... where the fuck did i put my organizational skills?!?!?!?

It's almost like I now live the meaning of being in the moment.  If I look too far ahead, I get anxious and freeze to the point of not doing anything.

seriously ... where did andréa go?

Other people with brain injury have spoken about their super powers that they've acquired.

Not me.

I just got lazy.

It also carries over into every aspect of my life, including this male transformation.

The future terrifies me.  If I stay right here, right now, I can handle so much more.

Yes.

My love now has a flat chest.

Yes.

I see a caterpillar above the lips I kiss.

Yes.

Papi is getting helium voice.

this one is the current 'oh gawd help me i can't take it'.

Yes.

I'm still in love with Papi.

However, while I was on the phone with a panicked conversation about the car, I let a 'she' slip out in reference to Papi.  Boy did I get the death stare.

Then on Facebook, I saw my love do what I didn't want to ever see.

Mi esposo has openly asked every person on my love's friends list to refer to Papi as 'he'.

It really is hard with a new pronoun, especially when I still see Papi as my butch.  I don't see a man.  I don't know that I ever will, because Papi is my Papi.

Today.

Right now.

Papi is still my butch.

If I look to the future of the 'man' my love wishes to be ...

i'll freak the fuck right out

... I'll get anxious and see things I just shouldn't be seeing.

This is my fear:

 

 This is my butch:

 

I'll just stay right here in the moment thank you very much.

Hello my name is Andréa, and I'm a Tranny Lover.