Tuesday, February 5, 2013


Sometimes, my emotions get too difficult to bear.

Sometimes, I can't handle it.

Sometimes, I really don't like myself.

Sometimes, it would be easier just to die than not have to deal with my feelings, because they're just so big they're hard to overrule.

I've fucked up so much in the past little while and last night was the worst one, because Papi was so angry with me.

I can't multi-task since my brain injury.

I can't retain anything in a conversation if my attention is on something else.  I need to focus on focusing if you want me to know important information, and when I'm stressed, it gets even worse.

When I'm stressed I can get lost in the city I was born in.  When I get stressed, I only get the first words and if I'm lucky, the last words of instructions.

We moved here for a better life, and I'm so grateful I have so much less pain, but all the sun in the world is never going to fix my injured brain.

I feel stupid and worthless.

I was already angry with myself for all my errors, and this emotion was made more challenging because I didn't get the full story from what Papi was needing me to understand.

I didn't hear everything he said.  I heard, "Here is money for the plumber."

I didn't hear the rest of the monologue, which was that he didn't actually know how much it would cost,  and to ask the man.

I was busy cooking, so I couldn't listen very well, not to mention, I was upset with myself for not checking the jar pasta sauce properly in the fridge and used up the next jar.  It was supposed to be for Papi, the plumber and I, but Papi had to go out to buy more and driving at night here is not very safe.

He put the crumpled wad of bills in my pocket as I cooked and ventured out to the store in fear of every minute the sun was setting.

I didn't hear anything Papi said past the money for the plumber is in my pocket, and even if I did hear it, I didn't remember.

I gave the guy the whole fucking roll of bills.  It was beyond the amount Papi meant me to give.

Papi was so mad at me that I couldn't handle the energy that was exuding from him.  I felt I had to go hide in the guest bedroom alone.

My alone place.

We can't be in the same bed right now, because the master bed hurts my back too much and cripples me.

We can't sleep in the guest bed together because there isn't enough room for the 2 of us and dogs, even if they are small.

Alone I cried self-loathing tears.

I hate myself sometimes and wish I could just be my normal self again instead of telling myself I'm a moron.

These are those times that I feel it would just be easier to die.

I'm hurting from people attacking us online.

I'm hurting from a lack of trust in our space.

I'm hurting from being in survival mode and needing to protect ourselves from so many people.

I am sure this will get better.  I believe it will when there aren't 30 strange men in my yard watching my every move.

I am sure once we don't have every child in the neighbourhood trying to play with our puppies and asking for food and money, we'll feel it's our home.

I am sure once we don't have a security guard begging for more money every night after we give him his earnings for his job, we'll feel less guilty for protecting ourselves.

I told the house maid that everyone thinks that just because we're white that we have a lot of money, but that it is not true.

I informed her that all our money is now taken from the wall, the pool and Mr. Extortion and we're living off credit cards.

I'm hoping she gets the picture.  It seemed like she did.

This morning, I'm feeling a little less on the suicidal side, but I'm pretty depressed.

This week's online attack of Papi and I, combined with exhaustion, begging from so many people, being taken by those we thought we could trust and the frustration of never have a functioning brain like I did before the motorcycle accident have taken their toll.

I am sure, once I can get back on my food plan, exercise in the pool and do my yoga, my body will compliment my brain and I will feel better.

i am intelligent


  1. Oh my god, honey, I can SO relate. The intentions are good, the brain cells used to be there, but all the pistons just don't fire right if you're distracted.

    I am the SAME way now since July and it's maddening. I burst into tears over nothing.

    I wish my arms reached from here to there to give you a hug. I GET IT.

    1. your words are as much of a hug in my heart as they would be on my bones.

      i adore you tricia.

      so much xoxo

    2. hugs to you..
      I read a long time ago something that I try to remember when things go sideways ..will I remember this with the same intensity in a year from now,,will it matter then? so let it go now,,(I know easier said then done) but sometimes it helps in the here and now!

    3. yeah ... all i need is a little bit of peace from all the din. once i can stop having people attack me, overtly or passive aggressively, i will calm and find my strength again.

      it's just too fresh a wound :'(

  2. Sheet. Soon it will be one lovely calm day blending into the next relaxing day.

    You two will have a bed you can canoodle in.

    The Puppies will do their bizz outside.

    You will be that nice Canadian couple with all the dogs to your neighbours.

    As for the plumber, just figure out everything you need the guy to do/fix/replace. have Easton tell him the extra money was to make sure he bought the right stuff and work fast.

    More money will come your way. Trust it.

    1. we just have to be careful now. we're on the down cash wise, but it will come back up if we're just not silly about it.

      as for the plumber, we actually wound up owing more so it worked out just fine!


your comments make this world feel smaller ... and you feel closer