Today I may be manic trying to catch up, but before I do that, I need to regroup and have a chat with 'you', my imaginary friend.
I always feel better after we've spoken.
or perhaps it's the fact that 'you' come along with a cup of coffee ... hmmmm ...
I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed with all I have to achieve over the next few weeks.
I had a really nice talk with bandmate/producer Lin Gardiner the other day. It was about energy. It was about how little I have since the brain injury, and how I'll be joining with BlueLight as my primary and HECTOR as a secondary.
I do 99% of everything on my own for HECTOR and sometimes, just trying to get my drummer out to a sound check on the gig day is even work.
With BlueLight, I have the hardest working, most professional person I could ever ask for in a duo.
Pre-brain injury, I could take on the world. I would say 'yes' to everything, do it all myself, and somehow swing it with my superman boots and cape affixed.
Now?
It's all about one thing at a time. I no longer have the drive.
or the organizational skills ... where the fuck did i put my organizational skills?!?!?!?
It's almost like I now live the meaning of being in the moment. If I look too far ahead, I get anxious and freeze to the point of not doing anything.
seriously ... where did andréa go?
Other people with brain injury have spoken about their super powers that they've acquired.
Not me.
I just got lazy.
It also carries over into every aspect of my life, including this male transformation.
The future terrifies me. If I stay right here, right now, I can handle so much more.
Yes.
My love now has a flat chest.
Yes.
I see a caterpillar above the lips I kiss.
Yes.
Papi is getting helium voice.
this one is the current 'oh gawd help me i can't take it'.
Yes.
I'm still in love with Papi.
However, while I was on the phone with a panicked conversation about the car, I let a 'she' slip out in reference to Papi. Boy did I get the death stare.
Then on Facebook, I saw my love do what I didn't want to ever see.
Mi esposo has openly asked every person on my love's friends list to refer to Papi as 'he'.
It really is hard with a new pronoun, especially when I still see Papi as my butch. I don't see a man. I don't know that I ever will, because Papi is my Papi.
Today.
Right now.
Papi is still my butch.
If I look to the future of the 'man' my love wishes to be ...
i'll freak the fuck right out
... I'll get anxious and see things I just shouldn't be seeing.
This is my fear:
This is my butch:
I'll just stay right here in the moment thank you very much.
Hello my name is Andréa, and I'm a Tranny Lover.
sweets, your post-brain-injury-super-power is that NOW you take time! it's not lazy. it's that you MUST slow downa bit, cuz lord knows, you've never slowed down before!!!! take it as a gift. and use it as one. i loves ya! you're kicking ass, by the way. in life and love...you're kicking ass!
ReplyDeleteI don't know how much your brain injury has to do with it. What you are going through is incredibly hard to fathom, let alone experience. Lazy? Hells A, I don;t know of ANYONE who could come to terms with what is going on faster and with more courage and acceptance than you. You're awesome!
ReplyDelete@oc, i told one of my 'little' wheelchair clients that her super power was she was able to fit into tiny places. it got a great smile out of her.
ReplyDeleteyou gave me the same smile with identifying my own super power. i will do my best to use it for good.
@jamie, your sweetness just about brought tears to my eyes.
thank you both for your love and support
Yeah ditto what Jamie said.
ReplyDeleteAnd Papi is NEVER going to resemble the guy in that pic....for a start he has HUGE tits. lol.
I think I've said this before but you will always look at the love of your life and see just that, it's like no matter how old my son gets I will always look at him and see my little boy because in my head that it what he is - so you will always look at Papi and see Papi, the person you love. No physical change can alter that because you see beyond it.
:) yup dirty ... even if papi did massive face reconstruction, i'd still see my love. so, i suppose papi is stuck with me seeing a butch.
ReplyDeletepapi will have to deal xo