Thursday, November 10, 2011


So, these last few days that I was without 'you', my imaginary friend, were quite the blur.  There was so much work, joy, stress and blah blah blah ...

Do you ever just look at ...

... ahem ...

... life's lessons and you get figure out the moral of the story right away?

It's always nice when that happens.

Maybe I'm speaking cryptically, but it's because my brain has not quite opened up to what day it is right now.  I really pushed my injured noodle to the limit with this fucked up adventure I just went on.

I will get there and tell you a little bit more about my whirlwind of the film score mania week, but let's just say, one of the lessons learned is that we should always take time for our lovely friends.

In the meantime, I will talk to you about my love.

i mean, that's why you're here anyway, isn't it?! it's not really about me ...

Papi is healing very well, and it's been nice getting to have my love awake and laughing, even if it does hurt.  I mean really, laughter heals, doesn't it?

So anyway, I'm a hypochondriac, and Papi teases at me about it.

seriously ... i'm positive i have my mother's cancer even though it hasn't shown on any tests ...

Well, Papi was also convinced that there would have been cancer in my love's woman bits.  It's not really too far off the cuff to think that, considering my love did have pre-cancerous cells.

I do believe this is part of the reason why I'm doing so much better with this most recent surgery.  I, too, was also afraid that Papi would have had something going on there.  Plus, I didn't have to experience the gore of changing dressings on this round.  It's all hidden away, tickity-boo.

phew ...

And besides, Papi's fear is warranted, not only because my love lost his mother at the impressionable age of 10, but also because my love has a horrid pop addiction, and probably the worst diet second to The Beast.

oh ... don't bother asking about the beast ... that's way too long of an epic life lesson to share ...

So, when they did indeed remove that last portion of woman bits from mi esposo, I was probably just as relieved as my love to get that bitch gone!

Something that I'm really learning about my life with a transgender person, is what being in love really means.  Papi really is that same person I married, minus a few less 'bits'.

So, when people commented on Papi's 'changing' voice this weekend, I had to look at them like they just might be imagining things, because I just don't see it.

You see, in the beginning, when I was all fucked up about this transformation, I was thinking I wouldn't be very appreciative of the Helium Voice.

The Helium Voice is a rite of passage that every bio-male and transguy must venture through.  The cracking of the voice is definitely not music to my ears.  However, there is a lesson in this.

When people say my love's voice has changed, I just don't see it.

It's possible that if I wasn't so adept in Papi-land, I would hear it as well, but when you live with someone day in and out, some of the changes aren't as apparent.  I really don't notice my love's voice being any different than it was before.

Oh, here's another one!  A week after Dr. Scissorhands had his way with my love's uterus ...

and ovaries ... fallopian tubes ... and cervix ...

... I was looking at my love's side angle face and I noticed side burns.

Yes.  Sideburns.

I thought I just wasn't paying attention before, and they just popped up to flaunt their tentacles at me.  However, my love said, "Have you noticed how all of a sudden my side burns have come in since the surgery?"

No.  I just don't accept that removing that womanly body part would change mi esposo into the male my love sees in the mirror, but there is evidence, and you know what?  It's kinda cool in a fucked up reality kinda way.

We, who are in love with the transgender person, really have a world to exist in that not many others get to experience.

Through the tears, fears and anger, we get to watch our morphing butterflies reach for freedom.

I guess that caterpillar fuzz on my love's upper lip is no longer going to be a fledgling.


  1. So funny that changes like that are so hard for you to notice if you live with someone. I've experienced that in both good ways (a child growing up) and bad ways (Alzheimer's) and it's always a shock when you realize something has changed right under your nose. (Insert mustache joke here)


  2. lol sam!! ya ... the small changes are too difficult to see.

  3. First off, I am here because of you, and Papi.

    Please tell Papi not to decide to look like Charlie Chaplin. Something creepy about that little bar of moustache over his lip. =)

  4. lol psycho! there's some people i know that are here for me :) there are others who like to hear the super papi stories lol!

    and btw ... there will NOT be charlie chaplin 'staches in the house lol! ill shave it off in papi's sleep if there is hehe

  5. At the risk of repeating myself...wax !!!

    But what you say is true, it's the same as with kids - I never see how mine is now a grown up (well sort of) but I can see that his friends are.

    I just hope for you that given that men never seem to grow up Papi doesn't actually regress. Although given the DIY skills I suspect in some regards he was never really a she anyway.

  6. lol! papi says, "Hey! What are you saying!?!? That i have no skills?!?!?"

    hehe ... you got'im

  7. Hi Andrea, I think I might have said the same thing last time I commented but glad you're both doing okay. :) xx

  8. we're doing good vee :) i miss you ... i gotta get back to sayin' hi!!

  9. I agree that you don't see the subtle day to day changes until someone points them out. I am sure if you woke up one year ago to your Papi today it would be an utter shock. But to go through the process, every day, that makes it different. We are far more adaptable than we give ourselves credit for. XO.

  10. LOVE this post!! Thanks for allowing me to peek into your journey together :)

  11. jamie, that's a great way of putting it :) adaptation ...

    @extro, thank you for being HERE to share with xo


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