Wednesday, April 18, 2012

You get what you need.


Sweating and then freezing.

Sore throat.

Bitchy headache of doom.

It's official.  I feel like crap.

I had big plans for this day.  It's safe to say that the old clichés of, "Can't always get what you want," or "Plans were made to be broken," are very true today.

This was a day to plan, look forward to, and go to bed early for.

Except, there would be not enough sleep to heal my throat that threatened it's destructive presence last night.

I thought I told it to back off, but I guess I wasn't firm enough.

I really thought my sore throat just had something to do with the fact that my mouth is filled with canker sores from my recent braces adjustments, and pieces of metal that seem to be poking holes in my mess of a mouth.

Alas, it really is some stupid fucking virus.

It didn't help that I woke up at 4 a.m. with anxiety.

I don't know what it is, but since being the age where I've had an alarm clock to look at, I wake up at 4 a.m. from nightmares or just plain anxiety about nothing I can put my finger on.

It happened again last night.

It's so strange.  It's always 4 a.m.

Last night, I almost had one of the nasty panic attacks I get, but I managed to ward it off by reading my current book, The Five Books of Moses Lapinsky.

My Gratitude Buddy gave it to me well over a month ago, but I'm so slow at reading since the bonk to my head.

I'm required to look bright eyed and bushy tailed for an interview for RightOutTV tomorrow.

I best be taking care of my body today.

I also think that having some down time will allow me to think about things I need to be working on emotionally.

Oh, speaking of which, Mommy Dearest called to make lunch plans with me.  It's about the only time she can get to see me without Mr. Homophobia finding out about it and making her life hell.

That's what our relationship really is.

Secret lunch dates.

I know that's all I get from my mother, and that's been ok with me for years now.

Hey!  At least I get that, eh?

I'm grateful that she goes behind his back to keep in contact.

... can't always get what'cha want ...

What I really want?

I want Papi to feel healthy.

The grief counselling has him tired and depressed.  The healing from so many months of being sick has him tired and depressed.

His body just wants to sleep and sleep.

I miss my love so badly.  I feel like there's a disconnect when we talk.

I feel like our hugs and kisses are petering out.

I miss our connection we had before the bomb dropped about the male transformation.

I feel like I go in for some love and I'm held at arms length, only able to see my love, not touch his heart.

I really need my love to feel better.

I really hope that when he goes away for a week into the sunshine that it might kickstart his heart.

I miss Papi.

life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it


  1. I wish I could give you a cuddle Andrea you sound like you really need one.
    I hope you feel better soon and Papi to :)x

    1. yeah ... i could use a cuddle. i just finished with one of the critters. they're really good for love.

      but now that he's off my lap i can get up and make toast!!


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