Wednesday, December 29, 2010

A Blink of Peace

There were no tears yesterday.  I don't mind this anger thing.  It keeps me from wallowing.  But man I'm cranky with the animals.  Hard not to be when there's 3 cats and 2 dogs in a house that isn't a home because of a sewage flood. 

I got through some yoga yesterday and my back re-injury is getting so much better.  I had a moment where I actually had sweat.  That's a good thing.  There's an couple of rolls on my gut that weren't there a few weeks ago.  I suppose binging on all those bullets shot me straight in the gut. 

And the butt.  So, the mirror is not my friend right now. 

I think the emotional binge is over.  I forgot that it seems to be evidence of anger brewing when I binge like that.  I have had my eating disorder under control for so long that I forgot what it was like to try to kill myself with cookies.  And dairy.  My sinus cavity is also my foe right now.

I've been supplementing my loneliness with strangers here on the blog forums.  It seems that I just need to aimlessly speak to people about 'nothing' at all really.  They also made me giggle.  They don't know me.  It's safe, and I've had company.

One sweet soul said he did read my blog and felt for me.  I had to jump off the forums right away lest I speak about 'it'.  I felt a moment of non-judgement and caring.  I also contacted a person who was an M-F and she had some love to show as well. 

I'm just so terrified of people I know in the 'real' world.  I tried to ask for help from one person and they pretty much shut me down on the spot.  I knew it was confirmed when she said she had no time to see me, but when I saw her hanging out with someone else, she had the heebie jeebie attitude with me.  I knew that she wasn't interested in supporting me.

Then I contacted another friend and told her flat out that I really needed support.  She never returned my plea.  These two people don't know that they've created a world of fear.  They're part of the reason that I can't go on to Facebook.  They're part of the reason I can't speak.

I am hanging on to the few strangers and small gaggle of wonderful friends who have given me sparks of confidence.  The people who don't terrify me in my fragile state.

I'm just so weak right now that I can't handle one more rejection, so having a few days of beautiful people who have adopted my heart and gathered the little pieces that have fallen to the floor has been good.  Really good. 

My heart is getting put back together by these amazing souls. 

Oh crap.  Now I'm having tears of joy.  Could you let up for just a minute?!?!?  Jesus!!!  Give me a break!

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