yikes.

Sometimes I live in a bubble. I still have that ego disease that teenagers have. You know? Where they think they know everything?

I know people are killed for being trans, but I didn't know just how many. Papi is afraid of being 'tranny bashed'. I suppose I was only thinking of us living in this tiny Vancouver bubble where 'different' is more welcomed than other places in the world. We still have gay and tranny bashers, but there's a bigger circle of people who love us. Who welcome us with open arms. Hell, we even have the United Church who will let you believe in god if that's what you choose.

Papi said, "If this 't' is going to ruin our relationship, I'm going to stop this non-sense."

Papi would do that for me because of my uncontrollable water-works that come out in my very unattractive sobs. My love doesn't want to see me suffer. My love is in anguish when I cry. I can't imagine how rueful Papi would be if the real truth of just how much pain I'm in about the transformation came out.

I know that 'this too shall pass', so I don't speak the words out loud of where my mind goes to when my heartache feels like it's coming all the way from my toes. Nobody really needs to know that unless I was really planning on that horrid selfish act. If I was, I'd go for help. This I can promise, but I can't help just how far into the depth of darkness my mind will take me during those moments of mourning the loss of my wife.

The scariest part is not my crazy mind, the scariest part is, what happens if mi esposo goes through the top surgery and has a hysterectomy and passes for a man until the sweet voice of a woman comes out? Nothing in our little bubble of acceptance here in Vancouver, but when we go on our holidays to places like we're going in the spring, much could happen.

We're going to the Dominican Republic in the spring and they are not so forgiving of 'different' folk than what is taught to them from birth. They're quite religious to the point of being a zealot. They are a homophobic country by generalization. I know there will be some folk who are not, but as a whole, they follow the bible and the zealots who say that we are not people to be loved.

We are planning to move there. So. If Papi doesn't pass with a voice of a man and people figure out the secret of my love while we're living in a pretty little home with lush trees surrounding us in our self made haven, if someone figures out that Papi is not a bio-male, well, really bad things could happen.

I could not only lose my wife like I feel like I'm losing right now, I could lose my love from this world all together. It's a reality that people are dying all over the world from the hands of hate.

So, when my love says that this 't nonsense' will stop, well, it's not only the fact that I know I'll be the reason for stopping my love's happiness, but it's also that if Papi wants to pass for a man and we're in some part of the world that is not forgiving of 'different', Papi could die.

I have to look at that. I have to be realistic. Papi can't go half way or there could be consequences that I could never live with. It would make these dark days feel like a cake walk.

One transgendered person is murdered every three days. If I want to keep mi esposo here with me to live out this life together, there has to be a realistic look outside my bubble. We're not staying in Vancouver forever. I have to look at the outcome of more than just my selfish tears about losing my wife.

Yikes.