Sparkle and Shine

My drummer and I went for our promo shots for the newest HECTOR CD to promote.  Lara Gray did an amazing job.

That's the nice part about digital.  We now get to see straight away what the shots are like.  It is a blessing, that newfangled technology.

It would prove to be a comfortable photo shoot, as I would be with 3 people from my Trust List.  Another blessing, as I don't have to look perky to try to fool anyone.

All I had to do was give a sparkle in my eyes, exposing energy to translate in a picture.

While we were waiting for our photographer and her wife, my good buddy was talking to me about 'it'.

He has known me for years, and has known me very well.  He has seen my life take it's twists and turns, as well as watched me change with every scene in this lab experiment of life.

"Don't be offended by what I'm going to say.  You are someone who remains very calm in moments of crisis, but when there's nothing going on in your life, you seem to not know what to do with yourself."

"Yeah, it's my defense mechanism.  But don't you think it's fucked up that all the experiences I have are not something I run out to look for?  They just come to me."

He laughed and nodded with a silly squinty face of agreement.

He then said, "I usually run from things, where as you tend to go in head first and get it over with."  He explained that by running away from it, it comes back to hit him twice as hard.

I know this to be true in his life as well.

He also went on to tell me he doesn't know what to do to help, or what to say.  It's just not an experience that most people have to deal with.  It's pretty far-gone and out there.

However, one thing he did say is, "You married for the person, as the person is, good or bad."

True.

He also admitted that if I'm not happy, this is not something I should feel I have to stick out because of marriage.

Also true.  I told him I have been very honest with Papi in terms of my biggest fear; that I would no longer be attracted to mi esposo.

If it was mi esposo who had that awful accident 2 years ago, and became disabled for life, or if any other disaster was to happen to change my love, I would still remain married to Papi.

I love this person I married.  The level of my commitment is far deeper than that pit of doom.

Right now, I'm wearing Papi's engagement ring, and here's why:

One; my love only wants to wear the wedding band, not the engagement ring as it doesn't look 'manly' to have the great karat diamond hanging out on that ring hand.  Papi is afraid of someone recognizing it as a female trait and doesn't want to get tranny bashed.

Two; we are going to have to sell it to get my surgery for my jaw/orthodontic work done, and the ring will pay for it.  I get to wear it until it's time for me to get this 'eek' of a surgery done.

I get a piece of my love on my hand, day in, day out.

It's chunky and shiny and looks really good.  Too bad I'll have to give it up in a year or so.

and dammit!  i also have to be careful where i am ... i'm now wearing a total of 20 grand on my fingers.

Still, my love is there on my digit for me to hold and look at during every moment of every day.

And now, my dear imaginary friend, I must go tend to the fading, old, sick kitty.

He's still hanging on, barely, yet still.

as am i.