Saturday, February 13, 2010

the one year mark.

November they set me 'free' at the gym to work within the parameters of their program. it was just before my first performance since the accident, around the one year mark/anniversary of being hit. and it is when all hell broke loose and i almost lost it.

i was pregnant and it really was not going well. i was feeling awful, it was just BRUTAL! i couldn't follow through on my obligations to the woman that was running the show and she was pissed. even though it was to take some of her load off of her and wasn't really my job, but i had made an obligation and didn't follow through in a timely manner.


i get to the gym and really truly honestly believed that once i started to work out again, i'd heal instantly. and i didn't. but kept trying.

then the miscarriage.

we had gone to the first ultra sound to see our baby. there was no heartbeat. so like any creeped out person, i demanded to get it out of my body NOW!!! i had to wait a day. went in and they told me that i could do it this day without the 'good drugs', or wait 2 days for the 'better drugs' or wait a week for the 'best drugs'.

i chose TODAY!!! and well ... it was awful. because i'd been on codeine contin for the pain for so long (up to 2 months before the pregnancy), the drugs they gave me didn't even touch me ... so it was basically like going for an emergency DNC without any pain killers and i'm sure it was awful for them to see me screaming and all, so they did their best, but didn't get everything out.

2 days later ... i'm in emergency from bleeding and pain like i could never even begin to explain.
the doctor was confident that everything was out and sent me home.

4 days later ... i'm in emergency again from bleeding and pain.

the next day i had my performance and had commented on the fact that i wasn't feeling so great because i was in emergency again. the woman running the show said (20 minutes before the show), "I never would've hired you if i knew you were pregnant."

the realizing what her scathing words sounded like, she recanted in a panic and added, "for the sake of the baby."

umm ... yeah

they finally get me another DNC the next day. with the good drugs. but because of my tolerance to pain killers, they had to give me 3 times more than normal.

so after while i'm recovering, my heart kept stopping when i'd pass out and they were constantly coming in to wake me up to get my heart going again. it was really freaky, because i knew that it was happening, but i just didn't care. i just wanted to let it happen.

enter the big depression. i was suicidal, so dark that i was not sure i'd make it out. keep in mind that i'd gone off my anti-depressants to get pregnant, so now, no baby, i'm not healed like i thought i'd be at a year and a depression that was out of control.

i decided to get back on the meds about a week later. i still had some in my cupboard, so i called the nurses hotline to just confirm that it would be a good idea to do this, and she told me that anyone who had gone through the accident i'd gone through, had the horrible ordeal of learning to walk, taking so long to heal, then losing a baby to that degree would be depressed. she wanted me to go to a clinic and speak to a doctor (because it was a saturday, mine wasn't in). well ... i wasn't interested in telling my life story from the beginning of the accident to a stranger, so i called the pharmacy to find out what the lowest dose of it was and just took them.

a day later my friend died in the plane crash off saturna island and that was it. i was thinking you know what? this is just not worth it anymore and thought i'd give the meds a chance, but if they didn't get me up, i'm done.

well ... they started to work, but i'm not where i was before all this happened. i've had a few months of just thinking about the point of all the work i've done. i worked very hard to heal and i felt like i'd failed. i wanted to be better within a year and i failed.

I'm feeling a bit better now in the emotional regard, b/c someone pointed out that maybe, just maybe, if i hadn't have worked so hard, i might not be walking without a cane now. and i started to find hope again. but i still feel like it's possible that i could be stuck like this. that this is it. we'll just have to see i suppose.

i got invited to perform for the olympics and said yes before i even thought about it lol! so at first i thought that possibly i'd made a mistake. i had to rehab my fingers for bass! i could only play for a minute at a time to start. i was terrified and thought i'd be screwed!!

but as i went on i worked and worked and now can play my set from beginning to end without stopping for 45 minutes :)

the only part that saddens me is i can't stand for it. i have to bring along a stool to play on because i can't hold my bass lol! So, i feel a little dorkish having to sit and play, but i'm playing.

we play monday to thursday at the thunderbird arena for women's hockey for people as they go in to the building, then next week on the thursday we play outside of gm place ... or canada hockey house as they put it ... for the women's gold game.

i've started on the ionic water to see if it will help me. i've heard miracles about it lifting depression, giving back energy to injured people so they can get to the next level of healing, weight loss and boy my skin sure looks pretty :)

we tried to get pregnant twice now. last month, i knew i wasn't pregnant and this time, i'm not sure. it's weird. it could be either. i don't feel like i am, then all of a sudden i'm all nauseas and so tired i need to nap every day. then there's the weird cramping that i had when i was pregnant. but i just keep feeling like it's psychosomatic. that i want to be pregnant so badly that i'm willing myself to feel like i am.

so, we'll just have to wait on this one to find out. because i just don't know.

we can't afford another try until after the wedding because of money issues. and on top of that everyone just keeps telling me i'm not ready because of my pain. i just feel like i'm finally giving in to everyone who keeps telling me 'no'.

and this has created a whole other can of worms when it comes to my moods.

people thought that i had it rough when i couldn't walk and had the 5 minute memory. nope. that part was easy. this is brutal. this is the hardest part of the whole journey. i'm half way there and i'm really feeling it. like the crest of the mountain is coming and i just don't know if i have the energy to get to the tip.

life ... nobody said it was easy.


in one week, it will be 15 months of this new life.


  1. Everyone likes to think they know what is best for someone else...everyone. We are all victim to this mistake. I really just try to tell people what my experiences are and what my opinions are and make them understand and know that I'm not trying to steer them in a way that they don't want to go.

    You do it your way baby...YOUR way. That's all you can do.

    If it's not good enough for anyone else then, well that's for them to deal with, not a burden for you to hold.

    1. kimberly, i just found this comment that i never acknowledged!

      thank you for being such a great blogger friend. i look forward to reading more of your new work.


your comments make this world feel smaller ... and you feel closer