Saturday, December 18, 2010

No Tears!

Yesterday felt like a relief of inhalation. You know that feeling you get when you're crying so strenuously that you can't breathe a deep breath? Living air bursts through to your pink lungs through choppy, disjointed and desperate gulps. You try to pull in air without gasping, but to no avail, the evidence of a sobbing session is audible.

Well, yesterday I could breathe. Yesterday I didn't have to reach for the kleenex box. Yesterday I had a lighter heart and the best part? Today I woke up without the swollen eyes of a boxer having gone through the entire twelve grueling rounds, and even though the fighter is victorious, they have the eyes to say, "really? This is winning?"

To the fighter, yes this is gain. No matter how bad the fighter looks, if they've fought through to the end where the referee holds that one glove encased arm in the air, they're triumphant.

This morning I wear the prize winning belt. I made it through a day without tears and woke to see my pretty eyes open.

Of course, I had a little help. The only thing that can keep me from crying is music. I can't 'listen' to it, because my overactive brain will find lyrics or melodies that will speak to whatever challenge I'm going through and augment it way beyond it's actuality. So no, I can't listen, but to play an instrument is like being lifted into the clouds where nothing else matters.

I've never been able to meditate. My brain has always had way too much going on. It's worse now since my brain injury from my motorcycle accident. I have to reel it in very forcefully sometimes. However, even before the accident I was a bit of an ADHD kid.

Except when I play an instrument.

Yesterday's instrument was my voice. My producer, Lin Gardiner, has a whack-load of music for me to work on with BlueLight, but since my love told me about the decision to go through male transformation, I've had no voice. No voice for me, no voice for music and no voice for getting the poison out of my mind.

Until yesterday.

I must admit, the first step to finding a squeak of a voice was when I brought my tracks for HECTOR over to Lin's for mixing. I got to listen to music that I had tracked so long ago that I actually forgot about the castle I had built.

We had tracked the music oh so many moons ago, then I had the world's worst break-up where my beast of an ex of 6 years threw me out by way of having a 'packing party' where all her sidekicks gathered my personal belongings, put a few choice boxes in building the hall, then changed the apartment locks so that after a 16 hour shift, I came home to no abode.


Threw me for a loop and life was all about survival ... not music. Shut down my music teaching business, got a job, found a home and next thing you know, I fell in love with my soul mate. I was a wee bit distracted with life to be getting to music.

Then came the brain injury from the motorcycle accident and no ability to hold an instrument or even remember how to compose. But after 2 years of scratching my way out of the brain injury hell, I am here ready to finish my cd.

I'm here with music to mix and when listening to it, I was completely inspired by my own talent. I've never thought I was good enough, but damn! When you take a step back (a 4 year long step, yikes!) and listen, you can really get a sense of the inventiveness people loved your tunes for. You can look at yourself from someone else's eyes. I got to see my music as others see it and not be the picky musician that never feels a piece is finished or quite worthy enough to spread to the masses.

It came. The inspiration to find distraction from the hell I've been nesting in for a month. Yesterday I spent the day working on a new song for BlueLight and today I'll work on 2 more while Lin slaves over the HECTOR music to make it sound it's absolute best, as she always does.

In all the chaos, depression and pain, I forgot how much actively making music heals me. I was so overwhelmed with my love's decision to change to a male that 'I' disappeared. Well, I'm grateful that it took 4 year old music to draw me back.

I'm so grateful for a day without tears. Let's see if I can make it two! Wish me luck.

(**sighing a long hearty sigh** because I can)

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