Monday, August 6, 2012

i'm dying inside.

Remember all those mornings I would wake up with swollen eyes?

They would look like they were used as a punching bag while I was too busy crying to notice anyone beating the shit out of them.

I have them today.

Right now, my demons have a hold of me and are eagerly dragging me further into the rancid Pit of Doom.

I was supposed to be home, not in the Pit of Doom, but there's a small problem.

I won't go into massive details right now, but let's just say I won't live with drama that I never asked for.

I'm sleeping in someone else's bed, when I should have been sleeping in my own with my loving spouse while we celebrate the sale of the home, and our next adventure.

I thought I lost my phone, but at least, the very least, I found it in my friend's car as I did my usual, "Hey!  Why don't we leave it on the front seat?" game, and it wasn't stolen!

I guess I can say I'm grateful for that.

However, I excitedly looked to see a message from Papi, but there was nothing.

I left a message saying how much I love him, but that would not make sense to someone when at the same time, I left my home.

It's not really my home anyway.

I came home to The Yank having lived in our room for a few days, and it no longer looked like our room.

I came home to a 'Sold!' sign on our front lawn.

I came home to my spouse relapsing.

Besides, it's no longer my home anyway, and when Papi and I have a chance to deal with the current stressful situation, it still won't be my home.

So, I'm just getting a head start on not having a home, by sleeping in my friend's bed until the drama has ceased.

I don't ask for drama.

I ask for peace.

I ask for love.

I ask for the best life possible.

I ask for happiness.

I ask for gratitude.

Crying alone in fear for my spouse's safety is not the best life possible, is not happy times, is not something I'm grateful for, nor is it peaceful.

At least there is still love.

And yet, here I sit, crying so violently, that I can only wish each tear was one step closer to death.

If tears could kill, today I would wish for them to do so.

I suppose that Beatles song is right.  Love is all you need.

I'm being ripped and torn inside because I love so much.

I'm on an endless loop of tear after tear because my love for Papi is so deep, I could feel our connecting dissipate while I was away for the weekend.

I didn't get my usual texts of love, because Papi had a distraction.

A down and dirty, nasty distraction that will stray even the most loving hearts away.

I was chosen second over this demonic liquid.

This evil poison that will whisper in his ear, "You can drink socially!  You're fine now!"

From the phone messages I received last night, he is not a social drinker.

Every sip he poured into his mouth is a tear that is rolling down my face today.

I'm broken.

There are no kings men or horses to put me back together again.

There is only one person who can do that.

i have a wonderful spouse and we are both happy and at peace.


  1. i love you i love you i love you i love you. oh sweet girl...i am sending you ALL the love and ALL the strength i can muster. it's all for you.
    stay as strong and as beautiful as i know you are. you deserve so so much good, honey.

    1. ty sweets. i don't have enough strength today for my own, so i'll take yours.

  2. Sending you love and Strength Andrea xxx

  3. sending lots of love and understanding to you A, and love and compassion to Papi. I'm only a phone call away if you need to chat xo

  4. Andrea - I applaud your capacity to love. xoxoxo

  5. Love can be merciless. It will tear you to pieces, given half a chance. The poets never mention that in the sonnets. Fuckers.

    Strength. Courage. <3 <3 <3.

  6. I'm sorry you're hurting Andrea! Hope things are better for you soon. I know only too well how you are feeling. Everything happens for a reason and you'll see that reason soon enough. There will be blue skies or there will be rain it's up to you to chose if you want to use sunglasses or an umbrella! In the mean time it appears you have a ton of support and lots of people sending you love! Thinking of you. xo

  7. Andrea my dear and my friend. Even though I'm not here to read your posts each day, I am only just an e-mail away! I want you to know that first and utmost.

    It hurts my heart, honestly, to read this. I wish you the best. I wish you love, I wish you happiness and most of all, at this moment, I wish you peace. Please know that you have so many people loving you right now.


  8. there's no good reason to take alcohol, even in 'moderation' people fool themselves thinking they are in control, but thats bullshit.

    None finds an answer in the drink. I been sober 3 years and not regret it. Hope Papi finds the answer in you A, I trust you both will!



    1. i know daz. there's no controlling that loser liquid. congrats on the 3 years :)


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