Sunday, January 24, 2010

No Longer High Functioning

As i speak to my friends about how i used to be and how i am now, they mainly tell me that the way i'm 'suffering' in my lack of functioning is the way they live all the time.

I then realized; before the accident and brain injury, i was a high functioning individual. I never had to write down an appointment. It would just be in my mind ... time, date, what i would need. I would remember things i had to do without lists. I could prepare an entire show with promotion, esthetics, for myself and the stage without so much as a list. I would just remember and get it done.

Now my world is lists. I generally have about 4 on the go at the same time, but they never coincide with one another, so i never remember which list to look at, if i remember to look at a list at all lmao! Yes ... i have to laugh ... or i'll drive myself insane with frustration.

I finally got a paper daytimer. I tried to use my phone. It was not working for me as i couldn't see if i was packing my weeks to the max. I would put things in and then would have too much on my plate for a recovering person. Now i see my week laid out as a schedule. It's working. I can put addresses and what i need to bring with me in this book.

But just the other day, i realized that i was beginning to remember the odd appointment. Not the ones i have every week at the same time ... those ones i have a grasp on now. I've healed enough to see a recurring schedule. But the one offs? They've been difficult.

But here's one that i was thrilled about! I put an appointment in my book and put the letters dr beside it. It wasn't my doctor, because i have to see a few, so i have to always put in the name of the doctor i'm visiting or i won't know who the appointment is for. But for this entry it just said dr with no period beside it, as in 'dr.', and i had no idea what it was for.

I would look at it every day and look back a week and forward a week to try to figure out what this appointment was for.

Finally the other day, as i was at my acupuncturist (which i write down as such to remember who i'm seeing) i was speaking about this damn appointment and how i was afraid of what it was for fear of having a missed appointment and having to pay for it with my entire meager disability cheque lol!

Then my tongue felt my temporary tooth from a cracked crown i had a few weeks ago and i remembered that my appointment was coming up. I looked in my book for that appointment and couldn't find it. I knew i had written it down, because i have enough focus now to write down appointments the moment they arise so that i don't screw up.

I realized that this mystery appointment was my dentist. Now, this would normally be something that people wouldn't get too excited over ... but for me? I was thrilled! I made it through a thought process that enabled me to remember that i have something coming up. It's not quite the high functioning brain that i had before the accident, but i'll tell you ... it's closer than it has been for the past 14 months.

This pleased me. I had a moment of realization that it's possible ... quite possible ... that my brain may return to a high functioning workstation.

I have new hope :) these are the days that make me smile ...


  1. That is great to know you are getting better ♥

    I am smiling with you (:

  2. :) smiling with me means a lot to me :) thank you xo

  3. My Dearest Andrea,
    Reading through your blog sends chills through me! Our lives were so parallel. It's like reading my life story 10 yrs. after my accident. Even the pregnancy and loss!
    I am so unbelievably grateful that you & I have become friends!
    From my heart.....THANK YOU!
    Beast Survivor 2!!

    1. i'm so grateful as well :) you are a wonderful soul to have in my life xoxoxo


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