Sunday, September 22, 2013

i want to be an angel

How did 2 days go by without doing a blog?

For that matter, how did a week go by without being able to get to editing my Sunday Sillies?

It's Sunday, and there won't be any YouTube show sillies today.

I'll be working on them, but I think that with the amount of insanity this household and life brings, I will be publishing every 2 weeks now.

Really, right now, I'm supposed to be at a birthday party.

It's basically right outside my door.

But Papi said I'm not allowed to go, because I've been treating my ankle too horribly.

He says that most people with this injury are laid up for at least 3 months, that I have to rest more and do less.

We all know how much I like to rest.

I'm a work-a-holic outside of the house.

In the house?

I'm some kind of depressed lunatic.

I don't know what it is, but as soon as I'm out of the house, my depression lifts.  Yet I can't relax in my yard, or I'll have every child in the neighbourhood screaming for me through the fence.  Relentlessly.

It doesn't help that I'm bitchy from pain.

I also have a sneaky suspicion that I got fake Prozac.

They do that here.

They make fake pills and it's Russian Roulette as to whether or not you're going to get the real thing.

Don't they know better than to fuck around with Prozac?!?!


Do they really want a crazed gringa roaming the streets?

I've been extremely agitated these past few weeks and I could blame it on the chronic pain, but there's something more.

The ideation of suicide is coming more frequently.

Normally, it's a fleeting moment before I go to sleep at night.

I've had it every night, for longer than I can remember.

I envision myself blowing my head off.

Every night.

I don't know why, but it just is, and there's not much I can do to stop the vision.

However, through the years, I've just learned to live with the vision and shake it off with a 'what the fuck??!?  Must we do this every night?!?!?'

These past few weeks though, they've been coming throughout the day.

Everything seems so difficult to do.

Everything seems like I just want to give up.

I'm still doing my gratitude list every day with my newest Gratitude Buddy.  I still know that EVERY DAY there is something to be grateful for.

But still, as I go on through my day, I can't help but feel the aftershock of all the hurt I've received over these past 9 months of living in what we thought would be 'paradise' and who we thought were 'friends'.

I feel exhausted from fighting to stay out of the Pit of Doom.

Everything feels like a battle, and both Papi and I had the thought at the same time last night, "This life here is not what I expected."

The vision I see in the mirror is disturbing as well.  The Anorexia Monster is in full force and the weight I see in the mirror is the weight that presses on my mind.

I'm having anxiety for no apparent reason at all.  I just feel terror and I don't know why.

This is not rational.

This is the underlying depression eating away at my heart, and I'm a fucking bitch when I'm depressed.

I'm having a really hard time hiding it from everyone around me, and I'm wondering if it's because I haven't been getting enough medication in to my system, having been sold fake pills.

I feel the pull of demons can't find my strength from the angels.

Instead, yesterday, I begged the angels to take me with them.

I want to be an angel.

it is always too early to give up, so let me give it some more


  1. If we lived in a gated condo it would be a lot less stressful!!!

    1. no it wouldn't. then we'd be living beside all the 'annas' of the world ... ask ania how much she enjoys her strata.

  2. Well you sound proper pissed off :( if this is not what you're looking for why don't you bite the bullet and sell up, try again somewhere else, you need strength to live there, and you and Papi are being drained of it,come live in England our doors are open to everyone, it's quite warm down south, and we're a hop skip and a jump from France and Spain :)

    1. we're going to fix the house PROPERLY, then sell to go live in the mountain where we have privacy. but this isn't for a while. when the US market comes back up. that will be when we can sell. fucking hell. all relies on the fucking americans.

    2. oh, but furthermore kiki, i would LOVE to live near you. the rain would kill me. god how i'd love to meet you in person xoxoxoxox

    3. I would love to meet you to, the weather here is not as bad as people believe Canada has colder winter's, we just had a great summer it's still warm now, but seriously I can't read your blog to often now, you seem always to have a battle on your hands, and i watch you and Papi struggling and it hurts, so this is me admitting I'm somewhat of a coward, and apologizing for not giving you the support you have needed,but I am glad you have made the decision to move away, those people are trying to suck the life out of you, so Hang in there I'm sure the economy is due for a turn around and when it does you grab your chance and run for the hills :) and in the meantime if I win a shitload of money on the lottery i'll come bail you out and build you a cabin in the mountains xxx

  3. Maybe it is time to go home. It sounds more like Hell than paradise. It seems like you guys have had nothing but problems since moving there, and have very little support. Maybe it is time to reconsider the decision?

    1. yeah ... if we had more support from people back home, it might make it better, but it would still be tough.

      if we go home, i get a life of living on pain killers. stoned outta my fucking mind. not sure what the better options is. stoned for pain for the rest of my life? or struggle through, find a better home eventually, and look for REAL friends that support us.



      anywhere. just give us love. we need love. it's the hardest fucking choice we've ever made, but other people have managed to make a good life here.

      we'll get through this. with the proper fucking medications. tomorrow. i see a new doc for my ankle and my fucking brain. assholes and their fucking pirated drugs. fuckers.

      i will get better.

      i can't go 'home', b/c i AM home. i just need your love.

      it's the only thing that gets us through anything.

      i will not give up.

      not yet.

  4. It is a huge adjustment which most people really don't understand even if they have traveled for a year or two to developing countries.
    We do not want to move to a developed Country or move back home, these are growing pains.
    It is the most beautiful place with people nicer than any Canadians, Europeans or Americans we have ever met.

    It is difficult to adjust to the cultural differences like not being able to trust people but we have fun, love and have never seen such kindness when people have so little.
    They give us fruit for free, the kids smile with no toys or toys they make out of sticks.
    This is where we want to be but it is not always easy as we are used to developed Country things, like 24/7 power, water, laundry, bathrooms, internet, TV. Cafe's down the road.

    We are not moving, we may move houses in a few years b/c i want a condo but I love my Dominican Republic, I missed it like crazy when in Vancouver for 3 weeks!!!

    It's an emotional roller coaster but the positives outweigh the negatives by far.

    The beauty this place has is incredible. Laying in my pool looking at the moonlight with stars is nothing I've ever thought possible. Amazing sunsets all the time...

    1. it will get better. just get me some proper fucking REAL meds and i'll be fine again. fuckers. giving me fake shit. fuckers. i just want to feel 'well' again.


your comments make this world feel smaller ... and you feel closer