i hide.

blogger still isn't being nice with uploads, so HERE is this week's youtube show.

I'm hiding.

There are no workers here today, they start the last of the renos tomorrow.

But this morning, the moment I let the dogs out, I saw Our Favourite at the gate just waiting to see me.

I do enjoy some time with the kids, but for chrissakes I haven't even had my coffee yet and the amusement park that is our house has kids lined up waiting for it to open.

No.

The sign doesn't work.

Words don't work.

I was told by the Jersey Girl that she has a crotchety husband who told the children to never come unless they've been asked to.

She has a heart like mine.

She can't do that.

But her husband can.

I know Papi couldn't do it either.

I'm looking at the clouds forming with their grey, ominous ambiance, the wind coming in with trees swaying their coconuts and am thinking, if it rains again it will mean another day of quiet.

When it rains kids don't even go to school, so they won't bother the gringos.

I entertained Our Favourite and his sister, and Our Unadopted Child yesterday.

We planted more veggies, we watered the garden, we made our homemade mini gardens out of juice cartons, we played with dogs and we babysat the Little Angel.

Today, I need space.

Today, I need quiet.

I never invited people over to my house all too often when I was in Canada, that's not going to change now, but it seems I'm forced to have company nonstop.

I suppose when people would tell me I was a closed off person, or that I didn't open up very much, they were right.

I do like solitude, but sometimes I want to be with friends, when I have good energy.  Not this 'hanging by a thread' energy.

When all the workers are gone and we have our space all to ourselves, the weekdays will be good because there is guaranteed times that the kids will be in school.

Only problem, is they only go for half a day, so there will be half of them at our gate in the morning and half of them in the afternoon.

I can hear the dogs barking at them.

I'm hiding.

I'm tired and I deserve to rest.

If it means I have to suffer by not looking out at the ocean or our pretty fruit trees, so be it.

It sometimes feels like we're prisoners in our house.

If we step foot out the door, we belong to the village, so in the house we stay.

And this house is not what we bargained for.  It's a lot of work.

So, here I hide, no coffee, no view, but no children.

I'm so tired.

Somehow, I have to accept the love of the children and be at peace with having them around 24-7.

I don't know how I'm going to do that.

So for now, I hide.

I think I'll go back to sleep.

i know that i deserve love and i accept it now