Tuesday, May 28, 2013

you get what you ask for

I have to find that magical place of 'letting go'.

Too many friends have let me go and it hurts, but I have to find a way to let them go as well, or Mr. Lumpy will come back with a vengeance in another place of my body.

Poisoning me with black masses.

Rotting me from the inside, to equal the pain that my heart is exuding.

Today we're going to get the biopsy results.  I know it will show nothing, not only because everyone has convinced me it is only a cyst, but because the doctor missed the mark by an inch when he did the biopsy.

No matter.

July 1st we get insurance and if Mr. Lumpy is still kickin' around, which he is right now, we'll be getting a 2nd opinion at the cancer hospital in Santo Domingo.

Anyway, to keep Mr. Lumpy from moving to another part of my body and possibly causing much more trouble than he already has, I need to forgive.

I need to understand that there is no room in my life for the people who have left me, or I won't be making any room fo the new friends I need here.

Yesterday, the man who started out as merely our DoorMan did the BIGGEST favour for us.

He's kinda a big deal here in the business world, with his electricity options, like our inverter, and later on he'll be fixing us up with our solar energy.

He buys a lot of items from the crappy store called PriceSmart we bought our washing machine from.  They wouldn't return it, and everything we've ever brought from them has broken down.

We still haven't done our own laundry.

Anyway, he TOLD them that if they treated us like that, they they would surely treat him like that.  And if that was the case, he'd take his business elsewhere, because he doesn't want to do business with a company that would treat a newcomer to the country as such.

We got our money back and will be buying a machine that works.  HUGE favour.

He invited us to his house for when he has a housewarming with the big mansion he just bought.

He is becoming a friend, because he WANTS to be.

Every friend who has, for whatever reason they need to tell themselves, let me go in Canada, will gain me a new friend here.

I used to do that with my clothes; in with the new, out with 2 of the old.

Now I have to do it with my heart.

Those who I never wronged, yet still, they block me from their virtual life with an obvious, 'do not disturb' sign as they join ranks with the 'mean girls'.

Those who just stopped talking to me because of their beliefs, but never asked me what the real truth was.

Those who jumped on the 'hate the Hector-Browns' bandwagon, because they're now in with the cool kids in the 'community'.

Hey you know what?  If they did it to me, they'll also treat you as such.  You'll get your turn too.  Don't come to me when it happens.

I'll forgive you, but I will not forget how badly I needed you, yet you disappeared at a very dark moment.

I'll forgive you, but I will not allow another opportunity for you to hurt my way too sensitive heart.

I'll forgive you, but I will move on and one day, you'll think of me.

You'll remember that I never did anything wrong, and that I could have been a really good friend to you.

I'll run across your mind that pang of, 'damn I'm sorry' will have to be kept to yourself, because I'll forgive you, but I will not forget.

The DoorMan is making it clear he wants to be our friend.  He's told us not to pay a dime until we are confident that it is working and we have no problems.

No charge until we're happy.

He wants to be our friend.  I'll take him up on that.  So far, he's acted in a more loving way than those who have left me back home.

All I want is love and trust.  It's how I thrive.

Those friends who stuck by me, have been the only reason we're still trudging forward.  There are so many of you that have truly kept me going.

The only thing those who have hurt me are giving me is more depression.

I have to forgive and let go.  I let you go now.

I gain new friends.  I do what's right for me.

I'll ask my angels to help me say, "Goodbye."

forgiveness is a gift you give yourself


  1. This was a tough one for me to read, because I'm sort of going through the same thing with a lot of folks in my life.

    I go back and forth between blaming the OTHER people for what they did to blaming myself for making them do it.

    Saying "Goodbye" is the tricky part, even if it's just in your head or written a thousand times on a piece of paper you throw away...

    1. haven't tried the hand written way yet. maybe i'll do that. then burn it.

      or we could swap names in emails as we need to let them go. give each other strength to do so.


  2. U only have so much time in the day. Let others waste theirs by hating on you. Spend your time loving you.

    Yer pal Huck. Who is grateful for your friendship, words and entertaining uniqueness.

    I understand the hurt that comes from betrayal. The sadness and self doubt of being rejected. The pain to have to cut off those who gossip, two face and use everyone around them.

    They rob you of joy. Hold you back from greatness. they keep you stuck in a circle of drama.

    they judge and bitch about you behind your back while they suck up on fakebook. then criticize others actions and morals while denying their own shit.

    They don't care about you - only what they can get from you.

    Like favors, money, sex, social status and connections. I could give you a list of the bullshit queers you and I both know.

    I like that the facefuckers avoid me. That I have zero social status. No longer lend, give or borrow.

    I offer honesty and genuine friendship to those who are worth it. I value my time, peace of mind and grant my friends equal respect.

    I also like it that I have an undeserved and equally hard earned, bad reputation. haha.

    1. yes. the pariah club. there are a few of us in it.

      i feel like i really said goodbye the other day and started to allow only the good to be in my space.

      only good.

      thank you
      a xo


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