Saturday, May 18, 2013

this is me trying

I didn't want to get out of bed.

Damn that bladder anyway!!!!

I tried to ignore it, but there was no option.

I actually had to rise.

Once I move, the dogs all know they get to relieve their bladders too and I become the rock star of the house with my mobs of groupies hounding at me.

I didn't want to get out of bed.

But I also promised Our Fave's Mom that I would drive her and the baby carriage we got her to her sister's as she stays there more now than here.

So, I would have had to eventually anyway.

I didn't want to get out of bed.

But the clonazepam had worn off and I was truly awake to think about the day.

In 2 days I get a biopsy.

My stomach is reeling.

My head is pounding.

I'm more tired than I ever was with anemia.

The moment I opened those doors to let out the tribe, the workers were there and The Carpenter needed me to go shopping for more wood with him.

Now, I have to go and face people, pretending like nothing is going on in my brain.

Like I'm not obsessing about Monday.

Like I'm not reliving the results yesterday that confirmed there was a lump on my lymph node in the upper right side of my breast, and that the doctor said it's a bad place for it to be, but not to worry.

Like I'm not freaking out, wondering if it will be the easy route out, a double mastectomy, or the hard route, chemo.

Like I'm not doing my best to just say, "Hey, it might not be anything and we won't know until the biopsy is done."

Silent hell.

Nobody needs to know of my silent hell.

It could be nothing, then I'd be spreading drama amongst everyone else around me.

I didn't want to get out of bed.

I wanted to lie alone and cry.

There's too much to do.

I'm up.

I'm here.

I'm about to drink my coffee and enjoy every sip of it.

No crying now.

Just have to try to look presentable to the people out in that world.

Yesterday's clothes are just fine.

That's the best they're getting out of me.

I'll put deodorant on, just to be nice.

Maybe I'll even brush my teeth.

Maybe I'll just live this day as best I can.

I didn't want to get out of bed.

But here I am.

 this day will come and go whether i participate or not.  i'll participate


  1. i hope everything works out for you xo

    1. i'm sure it will dia. i'm thinking it's nothing. i'm thinking that they'll go in and find it's just one of those things women get that are no threat.

  2. Poor Andrea - I know your mind is probably doing flip flops all the while trying to act normal to the world. I'm sure anyone in your situation would be doing the same thing. Just know, more times than not those lumps are nothing to worry about but I don't think that will put an end to your worrying. I would be doing the same as you. Just know I am thinking about you and I hate you are in this situation. Just get plenty of love from Papi and your fuzzy friends and Monday will here before you know it! :)

    1. flip flop indeed. sometimes positive, sometimes negative. and the whole gamut.

      i sorta hope that it just is so i can get them removed and NEVER have to worry about it again.

      then again, i just might do it anyway so that i don't have to worry about it ever again.

      it's a legit worry b/c my family has so much cancer.

      monday ... i want to know ... i don't want to know ... ya know?


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