Thursday, March 22, 2012


I just had such a lovely lunch with a lovely friend.

Like I said, my friends will fill me with as much love as I need.

She also reminded me that these same 'mean girls' haven't learned how to grow up yet and subsequently, don't know how to communicate around adversity.

What if they lovingly told me what I wrote at the beginning of this journey was 'wrong' in their eyes?

Then I would listen to their side and they would never have to be horrid toward me.

When a friend suggested I use a disclaimer, I saw her opinion as a great way to begin my learning.

Her point was completely valid.  These were my feelings, and not everybody feels this way.

It was my way of working out how to deal with such a huge issue in my mind.

I understand that a lot of what I've written in the past, especially at the beginning, could be taken as very hurtful to Papi and others who are in the process, or have gone through the male transformation.

However, my views around everything have changed and are continuing to change for the better.

I understand the I have P.T.S.D. from past assaults and abuse at the hands of bio-males.

I see where all my fear was lying.  I had to wade through a lot of mixed up feelings to get to the crux of the matter.

But hey, I'm starting my therapy for all this pretty soon ...

... although i'm sorry to say i was supposed to already have an appointment and forgot ... brain injury ... so much fucking fun all the fucking time ...

I'll have more healing and learning to share with you.

I also understand that hearing things that are hurtful would place a certain amount of fear in those who now choose not to trust my feelings.

I see that.

I also see that the hearts that surround me have never done too much to really 'side' with my feelings, they just 'sided' with my heart.

They supported my heart until I could support it on my own.

They told me when I was wrong.

They didn't try to hurt me for already hurting.

These are true friends who are familiar with honest feelings, and didn't disown me for them.

They are open honest hearts who recognized when it was time to lift someone up, not bury them further in their hole.

However, the biggest part of this that we needed to talk about was the fact that I really believed I was the only person they did this to.

Yeah, yeah, narcissistic, I know.  But I couldn't fathom these people being mean to anyone else.  I think I almost thought I deserved it for a while there.

Yet, it's not just me.  They kick others when they're down as well, so it has absolutely nothing to do with me.

I only hold my own responsibility for my own actions.

Like allowing them to hurt me to the point of tears in public.  Or, allowing my pain of being rejected to grant my suicidal thoughts to start yacking at me.

... nobody invited the suicidal girl to the party!!!!! ...

That won't be happening from their harshness anymore.

Also, I'm responsible for learning from my weakest moments, so that I may heal my fears.

I am really amazed at how far I've come in 16 months.

I know I've changed for the better.  My friends know I've changed for the better.

Anyone who doesn't think people can change, has never had anything about them that they've felt needed changing, and they stay stuck in their own shit.

For their sake, for the sake of all the people who hate me for my honesty, I hope one day they too will change.  I hope they will see their responsibilities in the pain they've inflicted upon myself and others with their bullying.

It's possible.  Change is possible.

i am healing the past, while living in the present


  1. Mean is mean!they will never be worthy of the friendship of a GOOD SOUL !
    I stand by my first comment about failing batteries,and this
    I don't regret My past!
    I just regret the time I've wasted
    With the wrong people!

    1. i also regret trying to make friends with these people. i also praise myself for making friends with the good people in this world.

      we are loved kiki xoxo

  2. Nah Andrea ... no regrets. The pain they gave you made you the amazing and wonderful person that you are now. So they can eat their heart out and bite their nails with envy.

    Those mean girls can all try to hate you, but in reality, they would kill to be you! They only managed to dignify their jealousy with their hate.

    Yes, you have grown so much. Proud of you!

    1. they don't really realize that all they've done has only made me stronger.

      i won't crumble from their crap. i'll be more confident because of it.


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