Sunday, September 23, 2012

new possibilities?

Good god the fucking emotional roller coaster!

At this juncture, Papi has pulled it together, but I haven't.

Last night, the impact of my life changing was my dramatic issue.

I had a moment of, "I really can't do anything right."

Then I had a moment of, "What the fuck am I going to do to have purpose now?"

Which led me to, "Who the fuck am I, now that I'm not the performer I used to be?"

All these feelings came up after my case settled.  I suppose the focus on appointments and evaluations for 4 years has left me with no room for much else.

We're starting a brand new life in a few months, yet somehow, I still having troubles letting go of all I lost since the accident.

Prior to my life change, I really only thought that my only purpose in life was to be a musician.

I can look forward to doing more music in the Dominican Republic, where I'm not in as much pain as I am here.

I can still write music.  I just have to wait until I'm in a place where I can feel better to do so, and it's right around the corner.

Everything seems to be falling into place so eerily.  All that's left now is for us to wait for my braces to get outta my teeth.  Then we're gone.

In the meantime, I'm filling my life with learning Spanish, Hebrew and Judaism, and I've finally learned the purpose of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur.

Here's my smallest nutshell I can give you of how I've learned about it: we're supposed to take stock of the mistakes we've made that have either impacted someone else, ourselves, or us both.

... sound a bit like one of the 12 steps to you too? ...

I've also learned, these 10 days are here to start a new year with new possibilities, after you've learned from your mistakes or admitted to the person involved how you learned from it.  Forgiveness, in a sense, yet it seems it would be an apology to ourselves for being such asses in the first place.

What all this brought on for me, was a shift of looking at what my potential is, not at what my losses are.

I believe that this is an amazing moment in my life.  Everything is falling into place, not much unlike when you see you only have about 15 pieces of a puzzle left.  Then you think about the next puzzle you can do!

It's uncanny that my case ended at the beginning of this breath of change in thinking from Judaism has come.  How was I lead to learn about it at this very occasion in my life?

So often, people think of me as an atheist.  I'm not purely an atheist.  I'm always questioning everything, because I am an agnostic verging on atheist.

Otherwise, I believe in some kinda 'something' that I can't put into words, but the closest I can say is it's like molecules of energy surrounding each one of us.

This coming together of so many pieces is how I believe the energy works with me.  I just have to stop fighting it and be clear to accept it.

Why was I lead to learn about this moment in time of new life at the very moment that my case wrapped up and Papi and I are beginning anew?

I've been passed on to a new level of letting the past, and all it's losses, go.

If I don't make room for the new by sweeping out the past, there will be no space for my new life to come to light.

I'll never be that girl that I was before the accident.

I have to let her go.

I must look at my new prospects that will come to me when I'm open to them, no matter how terrifying it is to jump into the deep end.

The fear of the unknown has been one of my obstacles in life.

Well, I guess it's time to take all the strength in life I've ever gained and take that bitch on.

Bring it on then.

I'll put up my dukes.

I always do.

i acknowledge my errors, learn from them, choose the correct path, and move on


  1. "I must look at my new prospects that will come to me when I'm open to them, no matter how terrifying it is to jump into the deep end." ... right on hon ... absolutely. It took me 30 years to get the courage to jump in the deep end and even then (and still now arguably) didn't appreciate how important it is to let go and look forward .... you go <3

    1. that just sounded like the big sister i've always needed to tell me i'm on the right track.

      thank you for being like a big sister. you rock. xoxo


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