I buckled and drank coffee. I needed it. I was going to kill someone if I didn't have it. Mind you, I only had one cup and that was 2 days ago. At least I'm still on track with everything else.
You see, I have this problem with anxiety.
It makes me a crazy person.
No matter how hard I try to keep it contained, it just rears it's ugly head and spits venom.
I have 3 shows in 5 days beginning on Tuesday, and the past two days I've really felt the stress of it.
To make matters worse, we all received word that the live artist we booked for the biggest of three events was backing out.
I did really well with understanding her side of it. I remained calm.
If it was Andréa from even 6 years ago, I would have burned a bridge.
not that it wasn't burned when she backed out of a show a week before the gig ...
I want to remain an acquaintance, because she's lovely. But unfortunately, I won't be able to work with her again.
fool me once. period.
She had called me while I was getting something from 'the list' done.
the nagging, scolding, list of impending doom
There I was, trying my best to hem these fucking curtains, while my blood is trying to spew out of my skin from the anxiety that was pumping through my veins.
I need to get busy when I'm a spaz, so curtains it was.
At the same time that I was speaking to the curtains as if they were a living being, ...
just fucking sit still you mother fucking bastards!!! ...
... the phone rang.
I was so happy to see her name on the phone's screen, because there was so much to talk about for the show.
Then she dropped the bomb.
Like I said, I held it together.
When I got off the phone I went back to the curtains. Suddenly, they didn't seem like the enemy. Suddenly they were behaving much better.
My blood calmed and I managed to get them finished and get to my practise on time.
When I returned home with my vocal cords feeling a wee bit strained and my energy level on .25, I realized that my love had said something earlier that upset me, and I had held on to it since the beginning of the day, until I saw Papi's gorgeous face.
It was obvious I was feeling 'something' and being the wonderful spouse that mi esposo is, we talked about it and all was good.
It was then that Papi realized something before me; I'm freaking out about the performances.
It's just like it has always been since I was a little girl getting ready to perform "Day By Day" for my very first piano recital.
i hated that song then and i gag about it even still ... did they know they gave a religious song to a budding agnostic verging on atheist? was this to taunt me?
I am satan spawn for a week before any performance.
to say the least ...
You see, I have this problem with anxiety and I just don't know how to tame it.
I will take suggestions.