Friday, July 22, 2011

Food cleanse fail.

I buckled and drank coffee.  I needed it.  I was going to kill someone if I didn't have it.  Mind you, I only had one cup and that was 2 days ago.  At least I'm still on track with everything else.

You see, I have this problem with anxiety.

It makes me a crazy person.

No matter how hard I try to keep it contained, it just rears it's ugly head and spits venom.

I have 3 shows in 5 days beginning on Tuesday, and the past two days I've really felt the stress of it.

To make matters worse, we all received word that the live artist we booked for the biggest of three events was backing out.

I did really well with understanding her side of it.  I remained calm.


If it was Andréa from even 6 years ago, I would have burned a bridge.

not that it wasn't burned when she backed out of a show a week before the gig ...

I want to remain an acquaintance, because she's lovely.  But unfortunately, I won't be able to work with her again.

fool me once.  period.

She had called me while I was getting something from 'the list' done.

the nagging, scolding, list of impending doom

There I was, trying my best to hem these fucking curtains, while my blood is trying to spew out of my skin from the anxiety that was pumping through my veins.

I need to get busy when I'm a spaz, so curtains it was.

At the same time that I was speaking to the curtains as if they were a living being, ...

just fucking sit still you mother fucking bastards!!! ...

... the phone rang.

I was so happy to see her name on the phone's screen, because there was so much to talk about for the show.

Then she dropped the bomb.

Like I said, I held it together.

When I got off the phone I went back to the curtains.  Suddenly, they didn't seem like the enemy.  Suddenly they were behaving much better.

My blood calmed and I managed to get them finished and get to my practise on time.

When I returned home with my vocal cords feeling a wee bit strained and my energy level on .25, I realized that my love had said something earlier that upset me, and I had held on to it since the beginning of the day, until I saw Papi's gorgeous face.

It was obvious I was feeling 'something' and being the wonderful spouse that mi esposo is, we talked about it and all was good.

It was then that Papi realized something before me; I'm freaking out about the performances.

It's just like it has always been since I was a little girl getting ready to perform "Day By Day" for my very first piano recital.

i hated that song then and i gag about it even still ... did they know they gave a religious song to a budding agnostic verging on atheist?  was this to taunt me?

I am satan spawn for a week before any performance.

to say the least ...

You see, I have this problem with anxiety and I just don't know how to tame it.

I will take suggestions.


  1. lol, I wish there was an easy solution to anxiety!! I think recognizing that you have a problem is the first step. After that, it's figuring out what helps you deal. Meditation, breathing exercises, art, reading, video games... whatever it is. :)

  2. Aw3, wish I had some suggestions, but I'm an anxious fuck myself. if I had any idea how to tame it, I might have been somebody by now!

    BTW, r any of your performances on Youtube?

    I'd like to hear ur music.

  3. bio, i'd add drinking to that list, but i know it doesn't work either :)

    rafa, i'm dying to get some up on uTube, but my anxiety about it is stopping me :) ...

    for now, you can go to the links at the side of my blog >>>>>> and listen to HECTOR and BlueLight xoxo

  4. Good drugs?...I don't know what to tell you...I do think it's shitty what that other performer did, but as you said, you didn't burn a bridge, and for that I applaud you! That makes you a big girl in my eyes! I have the deepest respect for that, seriously.

  5. sandra, it really was nice to keep an acquaintance, you know? thank you for your sweet words xoxo

  6. Ice cream? haha. still love you A, even if you drool and spew sulfur.

  7. Hahah, I can be guilty of the drinking.

  8. psycho, i haven't ventured back to the sugar yet lol! that's the worst one ugh.

    bio, i give up. i need coffee


your comments make this world feel smaller ... and you feel closer