Saturday, August 6, 2011

And the beat goes on ...

Ah, my dear friend anxiety has come in for a visit.


When I was a kid, my mom would tell me not to worry so much.  That I'm going to give myself an ulcer.

then i worried from that day forward that i would get an ulcer.


Even when I was a pot smoker, I'd be the paranoid one in the corner worrying about whatever.



that was of course after i got the giggles and munchies out of the way.

I could be in fear that someone was watching me ...
... or that my crazy loon religious family would figure out my dark secrets and I'd be homeless or worse; I would have to hear the rantings of brainwashed deranged kin who were spreading the word of 'god' through hatred and fear.

I used to think that my worrying, or rather, anxiety would go away once I got clean and sober.


All that happened is I was able to recognize what I was fretting about a lot faster.

Right now though, I'm having the willies about work.

among other things of course ... us anxiety ridden fucks can't stop at one issue ...

They had already called me into the office to talk about my days off due to my back injury, and right afterward, I take another week off.
not to mention i missed the pride parade and gender odyssey that i probably won't get my money back from ... guess i'll brood about that now ...
I'm pretty scared I'm going to get fired because they have decided I'm too much of a problem.

I really try hard to be there.

I actually like my job and am the kind of person who has to stay busy.

or i'll think too much and get anxiety.

But they can't have a limping, wincing in pain, polyester clad employee helping people with disabilities.

Some of my clients already feel like they have to help me sometimes.

That's just not good.

Yet right now, as I write this, I am not being paid for my sick days.  There is officially no income coming into our home on my behalf.

Oh, when I'm not thinking about work, there are far better things to worry about.


I mean, this agnostic verging on atheist doesn't believe in this 'god' that some people believe in, but damn, have you looked at the world recently?

If you look at it on the whole, there is so much going on that could very well be moving toward the apocalypse that the zealots talk about.

The 'touched' will hold their signs saying we're going to die on 'X' day, and it never happens.  However, the way the world is sliding, we could be heading for doomsday one breath at a time.

I don't believe we're just going to implode on any certain day.  I think that we're going to head towards it slow enough that we won't even realize it, and when we least expect it, we'll all be living in what the zealots think of as hell.

At this point, I really feel that living here on earth is another form of hell.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm not saying life is all doom and gloom, but damn!  When I see someone in the news who has beaten a woman by smashing her head continuously and raping her for days on end in front of her 2 year old, spits on the victims family as he's escorted past them, and finally smiles at the news camera in a moment of pride, I have to wonder.

Is it coming faster than I thought?

i'm pretty sure i feel that ulcer coming on ... my stomach is hurting again ...

There's so much more in life to worry about than my simple problems, aka: a soul mate who's going through male transformation.

I'm just a lucky person who has found love in this maniacal world, has food, shelter and a fuzzy family.

Yet, still, my blood courses through me and saps me with anxiety.


But I'll be damned if I go to my doc and ask for the medication that's needed to calm anxiety.

It will make me fat.

And then I'll obsess about that.


  1. LOL.

    Ok I know it's not funny for you but you sound a bit like my Mum, she was never happy unless she had something or someone to worry about.

    Which is probably why I'm the exact opposite, there's not much I worry about at all really. Which isn't always a good thing either.

  2. yeah ... i'm pretty sure i channel my great great g'ma of the jew family when i worry.

    it's kinda wacky to just wake up worrying. for no reason.

    then i have to find a reason, because i worry about worrying about nothing.


    this is my lovely brain

  3. The world IS going down the tubes. Thank goodness for my furry friends or I would never make it. ;)

  4. twister, it is ... and it's scary ... but getting out with good friends always brings me back to reality :) even while the world is imploding, i have love

  5. Yeah, I can see that. Channelling much? =)

  6. i know psycho! i really don't know how i made this far with so much worry. lol!


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