Happy! Anniversary Papi

It's our one year wedding anniversary today!  Papi and I made to one year and we spent our evening prior to our day at a beautiful wedding.  It was a perfect way to celebrate, even though I didn't think it would be.

It was a night filled with love.

By the end.

At the beginning of the evening, I slipped completely into terror.  I didn't know why the stress level I had yesterday was relentlessly attacking me.  I was shaking, my stomach hurt, and I was feeling very anxious.

It occurred to me this morning that indeed, I still have social anxiety about being in the community.  The fear of others' judgement does affect me in endless ways.

Papi and I received a 'save the date' for a wedding by someone I wasn't sure would be caring about my feelings of Papi's male transformation.

When it came time to receive the actual invitation, it never came.

Of course, being the sensitive person I have been over the past 7 months, ...

ok ... my entire life ... but i think that i'm a little bit more coo-coo now that my love is changing ...

... I jumped straight to, "We've been UN-invited."

I mean of course!  Why wouldn't we be?!

I have issues with Papi going through these changes and people have dissed me.  Why wouldn't these folks too?

Well Papi, being the bull in a china shop, posted on Facebook in haste, "I think it's funny that we've been uninvited to a wedding."

When the bride read my love's status, she immediately thought, "Is that pertaining to me?" and quickly emailed mi esposo.

Our invitation was sent on a day where 130 emails were sent, and true to Murphy's Law, the one person that really needed to be shown they're still loved, was excluded.

that would be me.

It got cleared up through a back and forth email discussion, but being the whack job I am, I felt that it had to be true that I was uninvited.

unlovable, not good enough, invisible ...

By the end of the night, I found that I am indeed loved and accepted.  Even by the people who haven't contacted me, knowing that I'm not doing the best I could be doing.

People do have their own shit going on, but when I was in crisis, I needed to know I was accepted by my community.  Well, it doesn't always work out as we plan.

'you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.'

Yes, there were people there last night that have dissed me.  I walked proudly past them with my tangerine, silky, clung to my ass dress that represented a red dress of strength, and ate as many oysters at the oyster bar as I could.

the oyster shucker was my new hero.

I danced while eating my non-dairy, bite sized tacos and allowed the room to see that I'm truly happier than I was the prior 7 months.  I also found that I did have enough love by the few folks on my Trust List to hold my head high.

No, I wasn't afraid by the end of the night.

I was loved and proud of my handsome spouse.  It was thrilling to be at a fun gathering to represent our happiness in our marriage.

It hasn't been all roses to say the least, but as I'm learning from other married folks, marriage is work.  Ours just happens to be a little more **ahem** enter your own synonyms here for 'difficult' _________.

I belong, and it's now time to tell my story.  I did so with only a few tears welling up in my eyes.  However, there was no uncontrollable sobbing.

Truth be told.

Indeed.