Wednesday, July 11, 2012

shoot me now.

No idea what these feelings are all about.

I suppose it's the absolute upheaval of our lives, but we are both experiencing feelings of anxiety, anger and fear, but have absolutely no idea why.

Usually, we can say we're sad about 'X', scared about 'Y' or angry about 'Z', but neither of us has any idea.

We even fought the other day, and that rarely happens.

We're so preoccupied with The Great DR Purge, that we actually forgot about our wedding anniversary.

Our celebration day was nothing like The One Year Wedding Anniversary Extravaganza.

No, definitely not.

The day before our anniversary, I was at yet another psych evaluation for my court case, and the man asked how long Papi and I had been together.

I asked him, "Well, what's the date?"

He told me it was the 9th.

I chuckled and said, "Well, that would mean we've been married for 2 years tomorrow."

I was shocked that it just came and surprised me like that!

Then on our actual anniversary, we were so busy doing what we've been doing for the past few weeks, that we actually forgot again.

Papi jokingly made a remark about our day, and we both realized we should at least go out for dinner.

Oh, we did.

I ate the 2nd worst allergy on my list; wheat flour.

Not the best idea, but when you're in the full throws of anxiety and every other fucking emotion that we can think of, having a nice big plate of warm bread gave me a great feeling of 'fuck-it-all'.


The bloating, crankiness and lethargy are nothing compared to what my dark circles under my eyes and zits are going to do for my self-esteem.

Not to mention, someone posted a picture of me performing bass from 2000, and I saw how I used to look when I was active in my anorexia.

I'm much healthier now, but eating wheat encrusted onion rings, 10 oz of beef, a whack-load of rice and bread is not going to help my brain with the pain of seeing myself much thinner in a picture than I see myself in the mirror.

So, seriously.

So many fucking emotions I couldn't even begin to tell you.

If I knew what was going on in my mind, I'd take measures to help myself like I always do.

Yet, when I can't figure it out, how the hell am I supposed to stop the insanity?

I'm on full binge right now.

Not the best way to start the summer.

For fucks sakes!

Our sun has finally come out, and I'm ready to wear my little summer outfits.

However, I'm feeling like a beluga whale.

I'm also feeling a bit like the honey badger who wants to run off with a nice juicy snake in her mouth.

Yes, a little homicidal and a little more than peckish.

A little more like I just want to sleep in a coma and wait for all this to be over.

Then there's sadness.

I'm still grieving for the friendship lost, and the musical past I've been disowned from.

I have to keep thinking about the musical beginnings I'll have in the Dominican Republic with all the amazing musicians I'm going to meet there.

New beginnings are wonderful, so why am I so freaked out?!?!?!

i am strong


  1. OMG! Since being diagnosed as a Celiac about 4 months ago or so all I have been thinking about is eating a nice warm loaf of bread...all on my own...not sharing. Like, don't touch my fucking bread! *smack*

    1. there are so many gluten free breads here in vancouver. have you tried looking around in your hood? i've found some great ones and at least i can have that.

      I'm suffering from the bread yesterday, but every once in a while, it's not so bad. at least it's not celiac i have. i'm so sorry for you!!!

  2. Out of a scale from 1 to 10, what's the severity of the disownment from your music friend, any chance of salvaging the friendship?

    People do stupid things and act childish and foolishly in situations A, nobody is perfect. Perhaps your friend is feeling a whole lot of remorse now and is also hurting from the loss of friendship. At the least, call her or meet up with her face to face to talk it through like adults do, put both your minds at ease so you can go forward in your life with positivity. Burying the sadness never works. Good luck A!

    - Daz

    1. Writting letters or txt is utter bollocks, had a friend do that to me once,what a piss weak effort... after all we been through, get stuffed!

    2. well, i'm not going back for any more emotional beatings. if she wants to be friends, i would hope she'd say so, but at this point, with the way she ended our friendship (by de-friending me on facebook) is totally immature and i have to let her come to me now.

      i won't hold my breath.

      i have so much love in my life. i don't need to go chasing after it from someone who doesn't want the same xoxo

  3. Google maps says there is a gluten free bakery in Langley. Hmm. - Huck

    1. it's probably high crow bakery!!! they're sooooo good


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