I suppose it's the absolute upheaval of our lives, but we are both experiencing feelings of anxiety, anger and fear, but have absolutely no idea why.
Usually, we can say we're sad about 'X', scared about 'Y' or angry about 'Z', but neither of us has any idea.
We even fought the other day, and that rarely happens.
We're so preoccupied with The Great DR Purge, that we actually forgot about our wedding anniversary.
Our celebration day was nothing like The One Year Wedding Anniversary Extravaganza.
No, definitely not.
The day before our anniversary, I was at yet another psych evaluation for my court case, and the man asked how long Papi and I had been together.
I asked him, "Well, what's the date?"
He told me it was the 9th.
I chuckled and said, "Well, that would mean we've been married for 2 years tomorrow."
I was shocked that it just came and surprised me like that!
Then on our actual anniversary, we were so busy doing what we've been doing for the past few weeks, that we actually forgot again.
Papi jokingly made a remark about our day, and we both realized we should at least go out for dinner.
Oh, we did.
I ate the 2nd worst allergy on my list; wheat flour.
Not the best idea, but when you're in the full throws of anxiety and every other fucking emotion that we can think of, having a nice big plate of warm bread gave me a great feeling of 'fuck-it-all'.
The bloating, crankiness and lethargy are nothing compared to what my dark circles under my eyes and zits are going to do for my self-esteem.
Not to mention, someone posted a picture of me performing bass from 2000, and I saw how I used to look when I was active in my anorexia.
I'm much healthier now, but eating wheat encrusted onion rings, 10 oz of beef, a whack-load of rice and bread is not going to help my brain with the pain of seeing myself much thinner in a picture than I see myself in the mirror.
So many fucking emotions I couldn't even begin to tell you.
If I knew what was going on in my mind, I'd take measures to help myself like I always do.
Yet, when I can't figure it out, how the hell am I supposed to stop the insanity?
I'm on full binge right now.
Not the best way to start the summer.
For fucks sakes!
Our sun has finally come out, and I'm ready to wear my little summer outfits.
However, I'm feeling like a beluga whale.
I'm also feeling a bit like the honey badger who wants to run off with a nice juicy snake in her mouth.
Yes, a little homicidal and a little more than peckish.
A little more like I just want to sleep in a coma and wait for all this to be over.
Then there's sadness.
I'm still grieving for the friendship lost, and the musical past I've been disowned from.
I have to keep thinking about the musical beginnings I'll have in the Dominican Republic with all the amazing musicians I'm going to meet there.
New beginnings are wonderful, so why am I so freaked out?!?!?!
i am strong