I had a day without pain killers yesterday.
Those are some beautiful days when that happens. I've had 2 in the past week and a half. I hope this ball keeps rolling!
Papi and I went and sat on the beach. Same beach we went to for The One Year Wedding Anniversary Extravaganza.
It was difficult for Papi to not take off his top.
When there were breasts there, Papi would always expose them. I'd cringe because people ...
... creeps ...
... would stare and even sometimes take pictures.
Then there were the mothers who thought that seeing breasts would scar their children, even though that same child suckled her very own bosom. It was thought of as a beautiful act when that mother could feed her child directly from her body. How can they see them as offensive?
Anyway, now my love has two massive scars that spread straight across his chest and for the average straight person to see those, they'd probably just wonder if it was cancer.
There was something I read about these scars and that they shouldn't be in the sun. I'm not sure, but I think it was my Blogger Friend, Vee who told me this information.
i'm too lazy to go find it ...
So, I've been telling my love, "I read it! If you expose your scars to the sun it will take longer to heal, or not heal as well. I don't know which one, but just keep them out of the sun!"
Papi has listened to me, but it was very difficult for my love to remain with a shirt on.
My love would sit and stare at men who were just walking around without tops and be envious.
I would sit and stare at the girls who got to move around and play frisbee with a flick of their wrist, or pummel a volleyball.
I, too, was with envy, as I just sit and watch now.
I also compare female bodies to my own. This is not a healthy thing to do when you have an eating disorder. It could bring disaster.
I stopped myself and told myself the same thing I have to every time I hear the demon whisper in my ear, "I'm not her. I am me. I am healthy."
Afterward, when the self inflicting pain stopped, we went to visit a friend who is having pain of her own.
She's a lovely soul who has gotten herself into a bit of trouble with addiction.
It was really hard to listen to her ask Papi all the curious questions.
My love would just answer with frankness, as if they were talking about a hair regime.
I would fall silent.
I'm sure that if my love were only a friend to me, I'd be just as easy going with it as well, but I'm not.
None-the-less, it was still difficult to hear these questions being answered in a lackadaisical manner.
It's interesting to see how some people see my love as a male and some see a female.
It makes Papi wince when people say, "She," and this friend did quite often.
The strangest phenomenon is happening to me though. It's also making me feel odd when people say it as well.
Then there's the other day when I realized I wasn't thinking of people as any gender what-so-ever. I've really stopped using pronouns in every day life, not just with Papi.
I suppose my mind is a pendulum and I'm just swinging to the other side to help myself get past this pronoun thing.
Someone, somewhere, has got to come up with a new pronoun that is gender neutral.
That way, everyone could just be a human, instead of placing a description of their gender.
I would breathe easy if that happens.
Dream on ...