could i be any more tired?

I feel like my head is spinning in Spanish.

Words I know are jumping into my brain for no reason as I try to go to sleep.

I full sentences and I don't know what they're saying, not to mention, they're speaking so fast that the chattering echoes in my head.

But even through all the chatter and chaos that is my mind right now, I know I've been here before.

When we first arrived, I started having deja vu all over the place, but now it seems more than that.

I feel the angels are working in me with great zeal!  I feel that we're supposed to be here and that all my purpose is going to be revealed.

Every moment of the day seems right and that we are only moving in such a way that we're being led by our noses.

When it was time to make the decision to set up shop in the DR, it seemed like everything just fell into place.

The house sold, my case settled, Papi got everything done that we needed to in terms of research ...

... have i mentioned how much work he did to get us here?!?!  mi esposo is a genius! ...

... and we bought a ticket and got on our way.

All the animals survived, we got a few more and every move in the house give me a surreal feeling of knowing what comes next without knowing.  We're supposed to be here.  I've been here before.

I have so much I want to do, but I realized yesterday that the most important thing for me to do is to try to start an organization for environmental purposes.

There is NO recycling.  Every time I have to throw away a can, paper or plastic, I am met with a cringe that verges on nausea.  It's not right.  Something has to be done.

Papi doesn't think I can do it, but step by step, little by little, I believe I can make a change in this country.  I really do.

I'm going to start with finding out where this mysterious hotel is that apparently recycles cans and begin a can/bottle awareness drive.  That will be my first step.

Someone on Papi's Facebook page suggested getting a Canadian grant to try to bring funds into the country for recycling, or a maybe a company that can sponsor something.

That will be something to look into for step 20 maybe.

That one seems a bit scary because I don't have the savvy for working with the government, but I suppose everyone has to start somewhere, no?

That's just one of my bees in my bonnet.

I really believe I'm here for a reason.  It has to be the right thing.  I'm feeling the support of angels so strongly now.

I just wish they could heal my still ailing stomach!!!  Dammit!!!  Let's get this over with!!!

Yesterday, I realized by way of a friend that I'm having culture shock.  I have never experienced it, so how would I know what I was going through?

My back was in agony from all the stress and my stomach wasn't helping matters.

It didn't help that I didn't eat properly yesterday, but they had to turn the gas off to do the renos.

End of the day, I lost it.  Full on Hurricane Andréa.

I didn't care if we had a guard standing outside our home.  I would have just preferred someone come in and do me in.

There is nothing in the world like what we've been experiencing here.

On top of all the stress of getting things done, I didn't need back pain.  It seriously threw me over the edge, especially because I no longer have pain meds to take off the edge.

Tears were reaming down my face and I was snapping at Papi.

The saddest part is this is the thick of the mania and I can't film, because the people will see our video camera and come back to rob us.  You would truly enjoy the gads of children and 20-odd dogs that come through our yard every day.

Damn dogs.  Won't be nice to me.  Don't they know who I am?!?!

Anyway, I got up this morning before they got their renos on and cooked while I had the chance.

I had my eggs and some hash-browns, but you know what?  I haven't had coffee since the sickness started.

I'm already dehydrated enough, I don't need caffeine thrown in there.  So, for 5 days I've been caffeine free.

That would also explain the meltdown.  There is a good 3 day window when quitting coffee that you are a Dr. Heckle/Mr. Hyde personae.

I was evil last night.  Today I'm feeling much better.  But still, I'm so tired.  So, so, so tired.

No rest for the wicked.

following my intuition and my heart keeps me safe and sound.

bribery? how about extortion!

We had the pool people come to start the pool.  I gotta tell ya, I am so enamored by the hard workers here.

They pound that concrete and it just falls to pieces like they were smashing glass.

The wall builders already have the bricks stacked.  When they said a week, they really meant it.

This is nothing like Canada where you'll see one person working and 10 watching to make sure they have work for the next day, racking up the contracting bill as the hours go by.

These folks just get it done.

These men have shoulders and biceps of steel that bulge as they whip around those pickaxes with ease.

Not to mention, when they swing it above the head to come split the grass open, they hit the line designated boundary wish precision.

The line they cut is so perfect, I watch gaping at their handy work as if fine art.

Holy.  If that were Papi or I, there is not a hope in hell it would look like a line.   I can't tell you what it would look like, but it wouldn't be a line.

So, there I was, Boraxing the counters from the years of caked on oil that had accumulated that nobody thought to clean for eons, and I went outside for a break and see what Papi and the Pool Man were talking about.

There in our yard stood a very large man in military uniform with a gun.

I thought he was just here for a visit, or to watch like the rest of the neighbourhood.

Oh, as a sidebar, I found out the majority of the men who come early to 'watch' are indeed here looking for work.  But some are still spectators, as they have no TV and watching a pool and wall be built, is better than looking at the rooster peck the ground.

Oh, speaking of roosters, one guy came with his tucked under his arm as he stood watching the entertainment and his rooster crowed.

Pleased me greatly.

Back to the military man.

Remember I told you yesterday about paying people off?

The flip side is extortion.

Mr. military man was here to say we couldn't build our pool without giving him a kickback.

We were lucky enough that the Pool Man has been here long enough that he talked the guy down from $50,000 pesos to $25,000 pesos, and now we have the green light when we pay the military man off tomorrow.

We were grateful the Pool Man did the talking.  A massive, more than 6 feet tall dude in a military uniform with a gun is NOT someone Papi and I are used to taking on in Canada.  We're used to scrawny junkies and alcoholics as a 'threat'.

Anyway, the work continued after the extortion and then more to keep us laughing erupted.

You see, now that there's no fence, people figure we're public property.

First two pretty girls with pictures came by.  I thought, "Oh, here we go."

They were allowed to actually enter our house by way of our maid, who really doesn't understand that when a local with no money just comes into our house, they're looking at what we have for future opportunistic moments.

Like my fucking mac laptop computer, just sitting there right in the open.

Fuck.

Anyway, they hold up their pictures and begin to tell the sad story about the husband being in jail, and the little toddler that accompanied them needed food.

I had to nicely tell them that we have friends coming to visit and they would be interested, but our house is already full of art.  You could see it was.

They left politely, yet defeatedly, as Papi and I looked at each other with eyes that said, "Holy shit.  Fuck, that was not good."

Not even a few minutes later, a guy carrying his wares came along with food to sell to everyone.

Spectators, workers, they all bought it and the show was instantly transformed into intermission.

Our yard has become the town's, not ours.

When I go out with puppies on leash so they don't escape, all eyes are on me like I'm on my stage again.

I love eyes on me on a stage, but my home?  It's a little unnerving to say the least.

We are not bored.

I can hear them starting out there again today.

Let's see what today's adventure has in store for us.

i pay my bills with love, as i know abundance flows freely through me

let the chaos begin

The 2nd puppy has arrived!!

I'd love to take pictures of her, but damnit if Papi hasn't hidden the camera on the bandidos.

Or perhaps, me?  Always when I bring it out, I hear, "No, not right now."

Yes, Papi!  People want to see our chaos and I have more YouTube shows to make!!!

Anyway, she's going to be an ugly little girl, but that's the way we want her.  She's short one eye, has a huge scar on her head and an unattractive underbite.

We have NO idea what she's made of, only that she has black lab in there somewhere.

Man what a cutie though!!!  So damn sweet!

But I'll be lucky if this blog gets written within 4 hours.

You can call me Cinderella, because I'm mopping the floors more than I ever have in my life, and between mopping and running to the john, I'm a little short on time.

She's a good girl, but so little at only 8 weeks that she couldn't get off the bed last night and peed on it.  Which didn't upset me so much, considering we're getting rid of it.

But how grateful am I to have a 2nd one?!?  She won't be coming on this one that's for sure.

The humping has ceased for me since I showed my alpha, but not for Papi.  He just can't bring himself to do it.

Yet, there is no humping of the new puppy, because now SHE is humping the Jake-A-Like.

There is going to be so much puppy safing in the house.  The litter box is her favourite thing right now.

Not to mention, we can't let them run in the yard, because the fence is being built, so there's nothing to keep them in, so there's not much time to get her outside in time for accidents.

Wow, these people mean business!  I've never seen anything like it!

Here's the problem though; no fence = easy access for bandidos.

Our DR Family instructed us to get a guard.  More precisely, a body-guard.  The Dominican Daddy has a cousin that is about 10 feet tall and missing a few teeth.

He came and stayed outside on our hammock last night.  He looked like a scary amazon, but upon meeting him, he was really just a gentle giant.  However, being as massive as he is, nobody was going to mess with him.

Anyway, yesterday when I got up, I thought all the people who were here were actually here to work on the wall.  I realized in the afternoon that there were more spectators than workers.

Casa Paraíso drew a crowd.

When I brought the babies out for an attempt at potty training this morning ...

... excuse me for a moment while i go pry kitty-roca from the puppies mouth and move the litter box to a higher level ...

... the crowd was already starting to form.  It was 7am people!!!

I guess their roosters woke them and the decided to get front row seats.

... excuse me while i pry the puppy pee training pad out of BOTH of their mouths ...

It was still a little dark outside, which made me a bit nervous, so I didn't stick around long enough for them to get the poop out.

No matter.  They both found a nice spot on the floor in the kitchen to take care of business.

Both puppies are having so much fun, and I'm so grateful.

So is Sir Bark-A-Lot.  He's not so cool with the new arrangement.  He's looking a bit like Cujo these days.

The good news is I'm eating, because I decided there's no point trying to stop the nastiness, and starving wasn't working.  So now I have energy to run to the can.

More good new is I found my Prozac.  No need to worry about Hurricane Andréa showing up anymore.

The best good news is our stove is fixed!!!  We now have 4 burners, as opposed to one that we had to light with a match.  They all work with the flick of a switch.

Tonight I'm going to make a meal for Papi and I.

Probably only pasta with meat sauce again, considering we haven't found much more in terms of ingredients to cook with.  We'll have to go into the big city to find more staples.

Besides, we don't really have time to investigate food, because there's always so much more to do.

Like fix a flat on a tire.  That was nice for Papi to have to deal with yesterday.

Now I know why there's a tire store on every corner instead of Starbuck's.

all the things i want and need come to me

Bribery is Rule

For anybody who missed my spamming of our YouTube show, here it is!  You may have to watch on YouTube for it to make it all the way through:

So, I touched lightly on the bribery that goes on here.

About how we had to pay off the authorities in order to have our secure concrete wall.

We knew it to be truth that people are corrupt here, so we just assumed it was true that the house maid told us she'd help us pay the authorities.

We know that when a cop pulls you over he may be only doing so to extort money from you.

We know that we can bribe him not to ticket or fine us with a small 'donation'.

We know that our spot in the queue at the hospital can be shortened by way of money.

It was when the pool guy came by, who is a man from America who has lived here for 20 years, that we'd been told we were taken.

He told us, "I've been here long enough to know how things work."

However, we believe that he may be wrong.

Mama brought the documentation that we were allowed to put up the horseshoe around the house, but not the wall in front of the house, because they don't want the scenery ruined.

She told us that in a few months, we'll sneak up the wall in front and the authorities won't know, because they will have come to see only the 'horseshoe' up.

When we get the pool in we'll have a the fence up that will block the view of the ocean, but we'll be having sliding doors so that we can still look out.  So the pool has to go in first anyway.  Kinda works out to our advantage.

They started the wall this morning at 8am.  Hard workers.

Anyway, we can't really know who is telling the truth without being mind readers, so at this point, we're just going to keep our eyes open and be wary on both ends.

What we do know, is that our DR Family is really looking out for us.

I mean, for the lady to come running down the road to be sure we had a 'bueno persona' in our house on her day off, and to come by to check on us for small reasons that could wait, we realize she's protective of us.

The other day, when they were upstairs helping us, Papi had dropped a coin.  Some kinda peso.

Papi nor I knew, but the Dominican Daddy and son both saw it.

We watched the Dominican Daddy point to his little love of his who saw it, look at him and say in Spanish, "Nope.  Pick it up and give it to Hector."

To me, a dishonest person wouldn't do that.

To me, the way they help us get what we need and do it without asking for anything says a lot.

We've given them all the hand-me-downs that we get rid of day by day and they're so excited!

Mama asked us, "What will you do with the old fence?"

We told her, "Garbage."

She asked if she could have it.  When I asked her if it was to put around her house, she laughed, "No, I will sell it and use the money to fix MY house."

Would a dishonest person say that?

Would they?

I still want to believe that they're inherently honest and that we didn't get scammed.

I still want to believe they are our DR Family.

We will definitely be wary, and watch if things go missing, but that's no way to set up a dynamic if we're not coming at this situation with love.

I spoke to her gently about not using bleach on my clothes, pointing out the polka-dots on everything and asked her not to use bleach anymore.

So, to get them really clean she used SO much soap that my clothes seem like they will never feel dry.  They felt greasy!

No matter.

We hung them out to dry and it's rained so much that they didn't get dry for a few days, instead they were WELL rinsed.

On a different topic, here's something I don't understand.

I've not eaten since Friday, for fear of Montezuma's Revenge wreaking it's havoc on me, and I'm starving.

I'm lethargic, weak, dizzy and shaky.

What I can't figure out is, how the hell was I ever anorexic?  I'm dying over here!!!!

I think I can safely say, that I will never, ever harm my body with starvation for the sake of feeling 'skinny' again, no matter how hard that Anorexia Monster tries to sway me.

I can't take 3 days!  Never mind the point to get to skin and bones.

Good thing I've got some padding for my body to feed off of.

i respect my body

Reality Show Super-Fail!

So, I'm new to this YouTube world.

I uploaded one movie of The Golden and it worked well, so I thought I'd be in clear sailing to try my hand at finishing my amateur Reality Show and throwing it up on to the web for you.

Of course, being a perfectionist, I wanted it to be the best!  HD baby!!

That's why I got this fancy computer!  So I could make these amateur shows!  Why wouldn't I want them to be PERFECT?!?!?

It took 2 hours to download to my harddrive, so I thought, well, we'll be at about that for the upload to YouTube.

The next morning I got to work uploading and realized, this may take more than 2 hours.

All day long I checked it and it was at a snail's pace.  It felt like watching water boil.

I started at 9am in the morning, and when it was 'done' uploading it was 10:30pm.

I was ecstatic!  I was going to be able to show you my first amateur show!

Then it told me it had to process.

I waited and waited.

Then it told me it was taking longer than expected and that it was in queue.

Then, the moment it was done processing, it was like there was confetti in the room!  So exciting!

Only to be squashed a second later by the YouTube Yankees telling me it was too long and that if I wanted to upload a long movie, I would have to give them my phone number.

That sounds like extortion to me!

But I did it anyway, because I want so badly to put it up.  Kinda like how we just found out yesterday, that we'd been taken by the DR Family, in that they told us we needed to pay off the authorities to bribe them to let us put up a wall.

We wanted our security wall so badly, we did it.  Now we're going to be a little more leery.  Fuckers.  They got us.

Anyway, I found out from someone a little later on Facebook, that the reason the clip took all day was because it was in HD.

I had to dumb it down a bit.  Last night I downloaded it on to my harddrive in mv4.  Lo and behold, it took minutes, not hours.

Then as soon as I was able to get off the toilet and get more water and lime into my ailing stomach that just isn't letting up, I decided to upload and see what happened.

It's only been an hour and it's already at 30%.  I'm trying hard not to get my hopes up that I might have this down!

So, I'm waiting patiently, and if it doesn't work, I'll chop it into the 15 minutes necessary to please the YouTube Yankees.

In the meantime, I'm warding off the new chihuahua puppy who's nickname was donned to him last night.

Jake-a-Like.

He's very similar looking to The Galloping Gazelle, but orange and even more of a puppy.

Well, he's been sooooooo sick and we've been giving him medicine since yesterday and he's starting to feel better.

Better enough that he's decided that he'd like to hump my arm.

At first, I thought he was just trying to get a better grip in order to get more traction to puncture my skin with his tiny razor blade teeth.

Then it came.

The hump.

In my full dog training alpha mode, I had to make sure he understood that I am not to be humped, but to be obeyed.

I hate that part of having a puppy.  I just want it to be all rainbows and sunny skies, giggles and whisker tickles.

Instead, I'm feeling like Sir Bark-a-Lot, in that he has had to pin the little guy down a FEW times now to show him who's boss.

Well, tomorrow, we pick up another puppy.  This will give him something to hump, bite and dominate.

And perhaps, a little more chaos?

i attempt all - not only 'some' - possible ways to get unstuck

Our DR Family

The first day we arrived here, the housekeeper was so damn sweet.

She had figured out how to say, "Welcome to your new house, Hector and Andréa."

Here, in the Dominican, people can't say Papi's name very well, so when they look at a document with our last name on there, they immediately jump to thinking his name is the first part of our last name, 'Hector-Brown', and call him 'Hector'.

So, our non-English speaking housekeeper made a cute little sign that had our welcome on it.  You'll be able to see it in Episode 2 of our YouTube reality show!

Right now, as I write this, I'm uploading Episode 1.  I'll tag it on here when it's actually finished uploading.

Anyway, on top of making us a sign, she also had a meal of rice and fried eggs ready for us.

Lotsa salt!!  Holy!!  But we were so damn hungry and tired, we ate it with zeal!

They are so incredibly sweet.

When the internet person came to hook us up, she came running down the road to make sure he was a 'bueno persona' because she's so protective of us.

This wasn't even her working day!

She just wanted to make sure she knew the person who was in our house, because she wants us to be safe.

She is definitely our DR Family.  She comes by to help us without pay.  Just to 'help' us.

One of her 4 boys, the smallest one, will bring me fruit fresh off the trees and the smile on his face as he gives me a mango is incredible.

He is so proud to be able to give me something and it shows.

He has nothing, but to make me happy with a mango made his (and my) day.

We really haven't had a chance to rest, until now because I'm so sick I can't do anything.

We run around to get the puppy better, get the cat his dental surgery, get the internet, get our cable, cleaning supplies, food etc.

Oh, update on the stove.  We now have one burner!  So I made us a nice pasta meal last night with meat sauce.

Not that I got any nutrition out of it.  It just went through me, but it felt good to put something other than corn chips in my yack.  I'm sure you don't want to hear about how I'm living on the toilet.  I've resolved to not eat anymore, so that I can have a rest from being sick.

Anwyay, there are so many 'priorities', it's hard to figure out what is first!!

~ Stove fixed.
~ New bed so I'm not in agony.
~ New doors that bandidos can't just push open because the hinges are rotted from the sea.
~ Bars on the windows so that we can sleep with fresh air.
~ Taps that work, water pressure AND hot fucking water for a shower people!!
~ Lights.  Oh, we have about 3 that work.
~ Dressers so we can finally put away our clothes.

There's more.  Oh, so much more.

However the 'more' is really just stuff that would make our lives 'nice'.  Like a lounging chair to sit in the sun.

I tried putting my towel out on the grass just to lie in it, but soon found I had laid right next to one of 100 ant chambers that are in our yard.

That 'relaxing' moment was short lived as I ran screaming patting myself off.

Then we got a hammock.

I lie elevated, however, I can't type on my computer while I'm out there, because we don't have a wall up yet.  The bandidos will see our computers and rob us, so we hide indoors.

Oh our wall?  In order to have a wall, we have to pay off the commissioner!  They say, "No!  You may not put up a wall and destroy our scenery for our native people!

That's sweet and all, but they will let us do it for a 'fee' of $2,500.

Yup.

Bribery works here like gang busters.

Anyway, yes, we are off to a rough start, but my Eternal Friend, who just moved back from a 3rd world country giggled in an email, asked me if I really believed it would be easy.

I suppose I knew it would be work.  Just not this hard.

I'm trying very hard to stay optimistic and know what I've always known.  Things will always get better.  Always.  They always do.

giving up is easy.  i will delay the urge, just for today

Paradise? Well ...

Too much has happened, so I don't even know where to begin to tell you.

Let's start with the fact that I'm writing this from the shitter, because I can't leave the bathroom due to my travellers squirts.

I'm so sick.  This happens every time, no matter how much black walnut tincture I take in.

We have a new chihuahua puppy for Sir Bark-A-Lot.  He's just as sick as I am and as uncomfortable as Psycho Kitty.

Psycho Kitty had to have dental surgery yesterday because his tooth rotted out and got infected as we were travelling.

We've also decided to take on a 2nd puppy, a little girl with one eye.  We'll get her in a few days when the chi-baby is feeling better.

Pretty sure this li'l lady has the spirit of The Golden.  Same eye missing, and same sweet temperament.

We have no hot water, nor do we have water pressure.

This is the cold season, so I'm actually donning a sweatshirt and pants.

Oh, my pants!  They are destroyed because the house maid put bleach in the water to wash them.  All my pretty city clothes are now donned with polka dots, which will turn into holes when they're washed again.  I will now fit in with the Dominicans.

We had to get her to wash all our clothes that we had at the storage facility here, because they were mouldy when we got to them.  They've only been here for 4 months and everything we owned had a layer of mould soot on it.  So lovely.

We haven't eaten a meal since we left Canada.

Our gas range only has one burner that works and when we finally had time (from running around all day, never stopping to the point of my feet throbbing), we bought groceries to cook a nice meal instead of corn chips for dinner again.

Well, the last functioning burner quit, so last night, yet again, we had more corn chips for dinner.

The sweet maid's boy brings me fresh fruit.  I hope he brings more today.  I'm starving.

All our clothes are still in suitcases, because we don't have dressers to put them in.  So, we can't find anything because it's a mess.

It took so long to find my underwear, because it was used to stuff into tiny little areas of the suitcase, that I wore the same skanky pair for 5 days straight.

Today I'm at the point of 'fuck it' and I'm going commando.

That was super great today, when we had to pull over to find a washroom to clean the vomit off my pants from the chi-baby.  2nd time he's christened me with his stomach acid now.

First time, yesterday, I just sent Papi in to go buy me a new skirt.  This time I just found a washroom at a restaurant, stripped down and cleaned my pants, then left the washroom looking like I had jumped into the sink.

We haven't even been able to find time or energy to get into the ocean that is mere steps away.

Well, with the exception of the time I had to run around the neighbourhood trying to find the new puppy that decided he was going back to where he came from.

I ran up and down the beach looking for him.  The vision of running up and down a Caribbean beach may sound 'nice' to you, but this this body is so broken that 'running' around put me into back spasm.

Oh, and our bed?  It's so uncomfortable that within 20 minutes of lying in it, even the bones in my fingers hurt from all the pain radiating from every blood vessel in my body.

This is not paradise, nor is it relaxation.  This is more work than I've done since my motorcycle accident 4 years ago.

I'm in agony and exhausted, on top of having a nasty case of the shits.  It's getting so bad, that pretty soon I'll be able to shit through the eye of a needle.

I laughed at Papi when he said we need to build a wall for our place to keep us safe.

I'm not laughing anymore.  Our house maid told us I'm never allowed to be left alone in Casa Paraíso, because the bandidos will come and overpower me to take everything, so I'm basically a prisoner.

My thoughts of writing on my laptop while having a beautiful view of the ocean are squelched.  I'm hiding in the back of the house in the spare room to be sure nobody sees my computer.

Not paradise.  No, not yet.

So, if you had even a remote moment or tinge of jealousy in your body about us moving here, don't.

Instead, enjoy your freedom as you move about the city to go to a store and instantly find what you need, have a warm shower and crawl into your comfortable beds that aren't filled with ants, sand, and cockroaches the size of my fist.

Go enjoy your own paradise.  Your life of accessibility is grand.  You really are living well.

I promise you.

everything will get better.  i know this, because it always does.  i trust this to still be true.

here we go ...

Today, to make things simple, we have disposable underwear.

No point draggin' that stuff around.

It's time to say, "Oh, my fucking g*d!!!!!"

This is the day.

And I'm mother fucking sick with some fucking virus.

Lovely.

Anyway, I may be off the grid for a few days.

The next time I write to you, it will be from the balcony of Casa Paraíso with a view of the ocean, or from my hammock while I'm going through withdrawal from morphine.

Without bitch of a back pain.

It's feeling so damn weird, I can't even tell you.

Sadness was the big feeling yesterday.

I will miss this beautiful city, but not the chill.

I will miss my wonderful, loving friends, but I won't miss the cliques, 'mean girls' and their gossiping.

I will miss the restaurants, but not the fast food ones everywhere.

I will miss the accessibility on transit, but not the little bastards who don't respect their elders, refusing them a seat.

Goodbye Ethiopian restaurants.

Goodbye buses I don't have to take anymore.

Goodbye my favourite Canadian coffee, JJ Bean.  You are now being replaced with the best coffee on the planet!!!!  Dominican coffee!!!

I wish I could say more.

I'm just a little speechless.

Exhausted.

Overwhelmed.

And yes, finally excited!

In no time at all, we'll be there, and there will be so much to talk about.

But here's the thing, we'll have to get our internet when we get there.

That could take a few days.

They're on Dominican time.

Their time.

When they get to it.

But I will be back to talk to you about everything, and hopefully, I'll have the new YouTube show for you the moment they get us hooked up!

I'm scared.

But I'm excited.

Well folks, here we go ...

I now have to pretend I'm a straight girl.

Goodbye femme.

this is the dream

HE SNORES!!!!!!!

He snores.

Big.

Loud.

The earth shakes.

Normally, he spends most of his evening and wee hours of the morning on the couch, because that's where he can safely consume more pop, pizza and TV.

But the couch is gone.

He's in bed.

Snoring.

I haven't slept in days.

He's been sleeping great!

Could be all the pills he's stuffing down his yack to make sure he does.

He gave me the run down of everything he took last night.

Sounded more like he was trying to induce a coma.

I might try that tonight.

Remember when Santa was coming and you couldn't sleep?

I have the feeling it will be like this tonight.

But then again, if I'm as tired as I was last night from packing, then I'll probably pass out quickly again.

Mind you, I'm also exhausted from not sleeping because someone was snoring all night, so it's possible I'll just sleep well because of that.

Oh!

Wait!

No I won't!

Because HE SNORES!!!!!!!!

So, maybe I'll be taking the concoction to induce a coma so I can get some rest.

He'll sleep better when he's by the ocean.  Nothing like sea water to cleanse those sinuses!!

The good news is, we're officially packed.

The bad news is, we're officially packed, and everything I need is in great gads of wrapped up clothing.

Never to be opened until we're at Casa Paraíso.

I did save enough to at least do my hair and makeup.

Because it is all about my hair.

And tomorrow we'll be getting the last of the footage for the first episode of my brand new YouTube show, 'Life Is a Science Experiment - Live Version'.

I'm hoping to have 'Episode One: The Countdown' up by the end of the weekend for you.

I can't even tell you how much fun I'm having being creative as an amateur film maker!

I'm thinking I may have found a new creative vein to work in!

I have the first 3 episodes all worked out for you, I just need to film them.

I'm looking forward to getting to the Dominican Republic with all my composing implements to actually compose a score for them!!

For now, I'll be using my already recorded music from HECTOR.  I don't dare use anything from BlueLight now that I've been fired.

She's a spitfire and might sue me or something.  Yikes!

Anyway, I'm enjoying it and can't wait to air my first official segment!!

See the excitement that just arose after feeling so tired from all his snoring?

That's coffee.

All hail coffee.

i know that peaceful sleep awaits me in dreamland

so done.

Mounting.

Stress.

Last minute things to do.

Migraine is back.

Done having sad faces to miss.

2 sleeps left.

Sleeping on the floor.

Cats are not happy.

Nowhere to relax.

No time to relax.

People finding out where we're going and inviting themselves, wanting to be my friend again after a year of no speaking.

Inviting themselves!!

Rude.

Ridiculous requests to see people at the last minute.

Pain from doing way more than I should.

Lack of cuddles from Papi.

Rushing everywhere.

Not feeling like speaking.

Wanting to hide.

More to do.

Don't want to do it.

Surprises of more to do that we didn't know about.

Scared.

Nervous.

Sadness verging on depression.

Excited.

Anxiety.

Gratitude.

Happiness.

Looking forward to being off morphine.

Looking at my hammock outside Casa Paraíso every day I turn on my computer.

Thinking of the warmth removing my pain.

Thinking of the feeling of floating in the healing salt water.

Feeling more real.

2 more sleeps.

Ready now.

Wish we were gone already.

Done.

So done.

Tired.

Cold.

Done.

my thoughts are my reality and i'm thinking of a bright new day

sometimes, you just need a hand up

I'm feeling so much better today, and it's really because of those I spoke about having gratitude for.

The phone calls from my Eternal Friend, My Gratitude Buddy, texts from the MC Guru and the Sweet Ex, not to mention a handful of others, really hit home that I have such amazing people in my life.

I received messages on Facebook from new people outing themselves as readers, sending me love and a new face leaving me a comment of support here on my blog, plus Blogger Friends reminding me they are still here to give me esteem when I fall down.

Then there were the hugs in person from yet another goodbye celebration.

All of it added up to a strong hand pulling me out of the Pit of Doom and the band-aid on my boo-boo.

I'm given positive energy by people I appreciate in my life.

I'm grateful for YOU: Readers and brave senders of private emails and comments here, G+ and Facebook.

I am grateful for people who actually make an effort to send us off on our adventure with love.

I am grateful for people who are honest about their feelings of us leaving, even if they're not excited for us, expressing their sadness or worry.

I realized that any advice I gave to Papi yesterday about his depressive state, I could use for myself, and it really did tie in with yesterday's mantra.

I told Papi he would find MANY people to help that will help him feel like he's needed.

I too, will find people to love me in our new land.

I had a nightmare last night that all the new people I found were abusive, abrasive, dishonest and hateful.

I walked away saying, "I don't want to be friends with these people!"  Off I went, preferring to be alone.

It's true in the conscious world as well.

If I'm not 'good enough' for some people, well, I don't want to be friends with them either.

I find good people everywhere I go, because I have great faith in fellow humans.

I won't have to worry about 'cliques' in any 'community' there, because really, I can't speak sufficient Spanish to be part of the cool kids.

Who knows what their politics are anyway.  We all know I'm not a political person.  Not to mention, I would rather think for myself than follow the herd.

All I want are good hearts around me and people that will enlighten my life.

I've had some good practise the past few months with letting go of users and negative souls quite quickly.

I've taken some brave steps and let go of people that I wanted to be my friend, but found out that it wasn't mutual.

So, why on earth would I let a spattering of inconsequential people trigger my feelings of 'un-want'?

In my moment of weakness, I fell in to the old standby; "I'm not good enough."

That's the one I run to when I'm feeling overwhelmed with my emotions, because it's the one that's been there since I was a child with a deadbeat dad.

The other one is seeing that girl in the mirror that nobody else can see, and panicking.

I've stopped looking at her.  I've decided to trust everyone is telling the truth and that what they see is reality.

That Anorexia Monster is really not something I need to deal with right now.

Here's what I need to deal with: Getting ready to use the 2 month visa we just received today.

We just received it today!!  We are now allowed to go for 2 months of pain free life.

Does anything else really matter right now?

I look at the picture of Casa Paraíso every day now that it's a permanent fixture on my computer screen.  It's the first thing I look at when I turn on this laptop.

It's still really hard to believe it's OURS.

It's still really hard to envision our smiling faces inside those walls.

I see the rooster.  That seems realistic.

If I was any good at Photoshop or any other photo editing program, I'd superimpose us in that villa.

Instead, it sits empty with the only life in it being the rooster in the yard.

Waiting.

i adopt the mindset to praise myself

i am insignificant

I feel bad for The Yank.  She couldn't have come to visit at a worst time.

It's not good when Papi and I are depressed at the same time.

Usually one can pick the other up, but we both have shit going on.

Papi is feeling like he has no purpose.

That when he left his job, he left his intent in life.

I've reminded him that when he gets to the Dominican Republic, he will have MANY people to help and he will not feel pointless in this life any more.

I feel insignificant.

Like I just don't matter.

There was a time when I used my music to feel like 'someone'.

I needed that.

I needed to feel like I was loved, even if it was through my craft.

I felt needed that way.

That option left me after the motorcycle accident.

Gone.

I was ok with feeling like 'nothing' for a long time.

However, yesterday really made me realize just how 'nothing' I really am.

I am insignificant.

I'm not needed.

There are a handful of people who love me, and for that I'm grateful, because if I didn't have them, it's times like this that I'd surely disappear.

I tried to say goodbye to a few people at the synagogue yesterday, but soon realized, not too many people cared, so I left in tears.

"We'll miss you," they lied, with a smile on their face.

No, you really won't.

Maybe one day, you'll look at that seat and remember when I'd sit there, but you won't miss me.

I'm not important enough.

That seat will be filled with someone else.

Probably the passive aggressive guy who likes to comment that it used to be his.

Yeah, buddy?

Well, then get your ass there on time and it can be yours too.

Early bird gets the worm.

It was mine.  Not any more.

He can have it with his daughter who really believes the world revolves around her.

Imagine how she's going to feel when she realizes it doesn't?

She'll feel insignificant.

She'll feel like nothing.

She'll feel just like I do right now.

Not very fucking important.

I have no place and it doesn't matter, because there's always someone to replace me.

I just fade into the woodwork like the pretty little wallflower femme I am.

Nothing.

I used to hold people's attention.

Last night, the saddest words I dread to hear came from Papi's mouth, "I wish you were with it like before the accident.  I wish you were lively again."

I had to remind him, "Yeah, morphine will do that to ya."

It's really not good when Papi and I are depressed at the same time.

He hides it so much better than I do.

I just want to disappear.

Oh yeah, right.

That's what we're doing.

Sometimes, I wish I could really believe the positive daily mantras I write here.

i matter and what i have to offer this world matters

disappointed

Well, I'm a little depressed.

I got denied for disability again.

It doesn't make sense.

I'm approved for disability RRSPs and tax credit, but I'm not disabled?

I can only work for 4 hours.

Apparently, they feel I could live off that kind of income.

Nobody will even hire me for 4 hours.

That's why I volunteer.

So, I am supposed to make a living off of volunteering 4 hours a week.

There are some people out there who have been approved for disability and are scamming the system.

How did THEY get approved?

I have legitimate issues and they won't help me out.

Not sure what it's about, but I'm quite upset about it.

I need to write a letter to them stating why I think they're wrong.

6:30 a.m. this morning I woke up thinking about that letter.

Stressed.

Upset.

Obsessing.

Maybe I should call the woman who hit me and ask her to support me.

Oh yeah, right!  Case is done, she got a fine and her insurance premiums went up.  She's 'paid enough'.

I just don't have the energy to deal with all this.

I wish I had a magic fairy who could swoop on in and save the day.

I wish there weren't other pressing issues going on this week so that I could deal with it with more ease.

I'm so tired.

I went out for a dinner with a member of The Pariah Club last night and found I didn't feel like talking.

I just wanted her to do it all.

I piped in a bit, but I'm so exhausted, my migraine hurt with every word I spoke.

Yes.

I still have a fucking migraine.

It's more like a constant pressure at the sides of my head.

I can actually touch them and they feel bruised.

So, yeah.

I'm tired.

Exhausted.

Overwhelmed.

And disappointed.

There's so much more to do and all I want to do is sleep.

It's my last day at the synagogue today.  I have to be there to say goodbye.

I will be there, even if it seems like I just can't do it.

My magic little cup of black liquid will give me artificial energy.

I will put on make-up so that I look like I'm actually part of the living in this society.

I will wear one of 2 outfits I've kept for the next week.

Week.

One week.

Weary.

Discouraged.

i cannot give up until i have tried every conceivable way

now.

Ooooooh, there's a cranky cranky Papi in da hous!!!!

To mi esposo, there are a lot of things that are urgent, but I just don't see anything more 'urgent' than the  importance of sleep.

But that's just me.

Papi is a different breed, and it gets done.

NOW!!

I don't get things done on time, because if I'm in need of sleep from the 'duh' of pain meds, I can't function.

So, I give in to my body's needs and sleep.

Papi?

While his eyes are crossing from exhaustion, he will get it done.

He speaks politely during phone business, and then I get the dirty looks from hell.

From hell I tell you.  With his demon horns poking out, tongue forked, pustules popping out in an instant on his face and skin turning red, I realize I'd better stop telling him how tired he looks.

I'm surprised there isn't green pea soup projectile tossed in my direction, and it's all because I suggest to him to go to bed.

Right now, instead of going to bed, his tired bones are dragging garbage outside.

Relax Papi!!!  I will do it!!

Later ...

Not Papi.

NOW!!!!

Damn.  He hasn't come back for a while.  I'm wondering if he just passed out en route up the stairs.  I fear I'll find him snoring in the stairwell.

Wait!!  He's back, and looking through the dog paraphernalia bag, because it's important for him to do it NOW!!!!!!

Since being donned with a brain injury, when there's too much to do, I freeze.

I lie in the La-Z-Boy and think of everything that needs to be done, then get anxiety from head to toe and think, "I'll do it later."

Later ...

Well, there's not much 'later' left here folks.

The good part is, because Papi gets things done NOW!!!!!!!!, I usually hop to it and follow suit.

He's a good motivator.

Not to mention, he makes things more manageable, so that when I see things I CAN do, they're not shrouded in chaos, and that makes it seem much less overwhelming.

Overwhelming.  The theme of the month.

Papi and I differ in our overwhelmed states.  He goes super freaky in a frantic, go-getter kinda way, and rips around getting things done.

I freeze.

That also doesn't do good things for the guilt factor.  Oh, I'm good at giving myself guilt at the best of times.

It's a different story when it's attached to not doing something that needs to be done because I'm anxious.

The guilt is a battle in my head.

"Just go do it."

"I can't."

"Why the hell not?  What else are you doing right now?"

"I'm just too anxious."

"But if you did it then you wouldn't feel guilty anymore."

"But I'm frozen."

"Well, if you just get up and do it, then you won't have anxiety anymore."

"You don't really get it do you?  Fuck off!!"

I'll do it later ...

It's always nice to think that the grass is greener on the other side.

I wish I had a bit of Papi's NOW!!!!!!!!!!ness, and energy.

Ya know?

i let go of my fears and worries that drain my energy of no good in return

what's your normal?!?!

Papi's manic.

His eyes are crossing while he's trying to stay awake, but he's insisting on doing more.

"Maybe you want to help me?" he asks with the snark level on high.

No, I want to finally write today, because I haven't been able to write for a few days.  However, I helped him anyway, because I really just want him to go to sleep.

It's been so busy.

Really busy.

I saved as much food as I could because I needed to eat, but damn!

Every time I turn around, I'm going for another hang out, which usually includes food and I'm not starving.  Let me just say that.

I'm not liking what I see in the mirror, so it may be time to cover up those reflective demons.

It seems we have lunch and dinner booked for the next 9 days.  Today is my last Thursday Lunch with my mother.

My Eternal Friend warned me, "Just wait until you get closer to the date.  It gets even worse."

I have friends that stopped having anything to do with me when I said I'd like to say goodbye.  They may try to catch up now, but I'm too far gone.

I realize now that my migraine is 100% due to the anxiety and stress.

The other day, I thought it vanished and I was excited that it would be a day to live without pain killers.

Then I spoke about everything we need to do, my mind started racing, my heart started squeezing and BOOM!

It was back, creeping up the left side my cheek bones until it landed throbbing at my temple.

My doctor was hoping to hear a miracle when I saw her the other day, but unfortunately, she wrote me a script for more morphine.

She also doesn't understand the stress.  "But it's a good thing you're doing!"

No, she doesn't get it.

I tried to explain, "Well, all my comfort is gone.  All my things that keep me happy are gone and I'm living in chaos.  It's really hard."

Not too many people understand.

I had awesome words from one reader who said how she gets stressed out when she's running 10 minutes behind if her dog takes too long to poop and I realized, any stress I've ever felt is only relative.

I've felt that stress before.

Now that stress seems like nothing, but to her it's everything, because she's living in it.

It is probably how people who don't understand view this.

It's really nothing to them, because they can't relate.

Man.

Try having every corner of your life either in boxes, gone or changed.

We humans hate change.

As I write, I'm looking at Papi, and wishing he would start the Graveyard Coma because he just looks so damn tired.

I made the mistake of saying, "Hey, Papi, maybe you should just go to sleep?" because his face was getting quite pale.

"Honey, I'm trying to do this, don't stress me out!!!"

Niether of us has really had 'normal' for weeks.

There is no more 'normal'.

Not right now, and I suspect, there will be no 'normal' for a long time.

We've abandoned our lives for a new one.

Our lives changed when we made the decision to strive for a better life.

There will come a point when all of this does become old hat.

Can you imagine?

When life with goats, a veggie garden, chickens, gads of dogs and island living (and perhaps a donkey?!?!?) becomes 'normal'?

Hard for me to fathom.

But it will.

my angels are helping me with every step i take.  they are always here

bedlam brain

"Honey?  Can you get me a Pepsi?  I want my breakfast in bed today."

No, I'm not kidding you.

You think I exaggerate?

I don't.

He's fine with living off junk food, but he doesn't understand I can't do that for 2 weeks!

He made me give away all my kitchen stuff last night, in another round of The Great DR Purge.

He's so mean.

He says I don't need them.

Ha!

Because of my food allergies, I can't just go grab a burger or pizza, so I'm forced to actually COOK my food.

At home.

So, getting rid of all my kitchen stuff means I can't cook.

I'd like to say it means I'll be losing weight, because I may be starving to death, but it won't.

It will mean I will be eating staples for the next few weeks.

Staples always includes way too many carbs for this body.

There may be some candida issues, not to mention a few Hurricane Andréa sightings and definitely some bloating.

It's bad enough that The Countdown is down to 12 days and we're freaking out, but a bad diet definitely won't help issues on my part.

I say WE are freaking out.

Yes, we.

On two different occasions yesterday, as per usual, we were asked, "So!  Are you getting excited?!?!"

Every time someone asks that, Papi and I just look at each other for the pause of 'they really don't understand' silence.

Like clockwork, I will spurt out, "Overwhelmed," and Papi will reply, "I wouldn't use the word, 'excited'."

My Eternal Friend knows what it's like.  She packed up and moved to Guatamala.

Everyone else just treats it like we're going for a holiday.

Well, I guess to some we are going on a holiday that lasts more than 2 weeks.

We're not allowed to leave for 2 months if we want residency, so even if I wanted to come home, I can't.

I guess if I only wanted 2 weeks of pain relief, I could do that.

But going back and forth so much during the winter probably won't do me any good.

It will just make my bitch of a back think it's bipolar and drain the bank account pretty damn fast.

On a side note, I just thought I'd let you know I drank an entire cup of coffee without spilling it on my t-shirt.

Not that that has anything to do with this blog.

But then again, this blog kinda started out a little scattered anyway.

That's pretty much how I feel these days.

Scattered.

My brain feels strewn across the city.  I suppose that's the reason for the migraine.

It's still threatening to come back at force.  It seems I can go half a day without pain killers for it, but at some point, it just gets to be too much.

I guess I may be putting off the withdrawal for a few more days.

Anyway, there I go again.

I can't keep any conversation on one thing for more than a minute.

Perhaps it's because we're living amongst chaos.

Bedlam brain.

i follow my dreams, no matter what

That's pretty much it.

Here's your Sunday morning bitch.

Getting a new computer is time consuming.

Not only do you have to make sure you've successfully transferred everything from your last computer, but you also have to play around to find all the new bells and whistles!

I've been sucked into the vortex of the new computer netherworld!

Yet, it's not all fun and games, and I'm sure you'd know I have something to complain about or I just wouldn't be me, now would I?

So, here's a few beefs I have about my new Mac computer.

Why the fuck doesn't Apple have a 'Word Document' option?

They won't even let me use my old 'Word' application from my last computer, because it's too out of date.

What do they care?

Why make it useless if you're not even going to give us another one?  Everyone who uses Mac uses Microsoft Word anyway!

Oh.  They'll give us the good for nothing 'GarageBand'.

Ok.

I guess it's not meaningless for people who can't play an instrument or compose.  It's good for them to be able to use the generic sounds that the rest of the world who doesn't know how to make music uses.

But, to me, it's a waste because I don't want to sound like the rest of the world.

Not to mention 'Photo Booth'.

Have we become so fucking lazy and narcissistic that we can't even take the time to use a proper camera while we take pictures of ourselves?  And do we REALLY need a picture of ourselves sitting at the computer?!?!

Who the fuck needs this?!?!?

When I'm sitting at the computer, I don't want anyone to see me!

My hair looks like a brillo pad atop my head, I've got my coffee stained t-shirt on and no pretty femme make-up on!

No thank you.

No, you don't get to see me while I write my blog.

Still, they give you 'Notes'.  Another impractical item.

You can't send them to anyone.  I might as well use the one in my phone.

Which I don't, because it's of no use!!!!!!

I've now put all my documents into 'Google Docs'.

I will gladly share them with you, if you need them, but only if you also have a Gmail account.

Fuck Apple and their lack of documentation ability.

I don't mind the 'Face Time' option.  It's going to come in handy when we're abroad.  However, not everyone has a Mac computer.

It's kinda futile unless I know someone with a Mac.

Really, the only reason I needed a new computer was so that I could get to work on editing my documentary about our move to Casa Paraíso.

The iMovie app is working out just fine.

People who know how to use the fancy professional apps like Final Cut Pro would probably feel the same about iMovie as I do about GarageBand, but I'm not a pro movie maker.

Yet!

... enter evil 'i'm going to take over the world' laugh here ...

I just wanna get the silliness of choosing to uproot our lives out to the world.

Anyway, to make MY life simpler here's what I want the world to do.

Everyone run out and get a Mac computer so that I can talk to them on 'Face Time', and I want everyone get a Gmail account so that I can share my docs with you.

This will please me.

We all know you don't wanna piss me off.

I'm a cranky li'l bugger.

i love being cheerful and i love smiling

ah forums. so full of useless crap.

It was either:

a) the gads of wasabi I stuffed down my throat at my Thursday Lunch with my mother that burned it out of my head

or,

b) the sweetest going away gift that I received from my Eternal Friend that melted my heart so greatly that it chased the pain away

or,

c) the love note I wrote to my migraine, leaving it no option but to abort the mission when it felt the positivity that oozed from my blood.

or,

d) all of the above, with the timing of the migraine choosing to have run its course.

Whatever it was, my head definitely feels a bit lighter today.

I can still feel it, but it's definitely not morphine worthy at this point.  I still took a tiny bit to make sure I didn't launch into puking from withdrawal.  I also didn't want that nasty rebound headache you get from taking the poison out of your system.

I don't need to write a love note to my body for going through withdrawal.  I've already met my love note quota.

Anyway, I woke up feeling a bit better, only to receive panicked texts from Papi.

You know how EVERYTHING you read on the internet is true?

Papi got a dose of it today and it scared the shit out of him, and in turn, he tried to bring my migraine back with stress and fear.

"Talked on the forums, looks like we need a guard.  They poison the dogs and then rob.  A big fence is going up!!!"

I rolled my eyes at Papi, even though he couldn't see me, because he's sleeping off the Graveyard Coma.

I decided to read on with what he wrote a few seconds later, "I think we made a mistake not getting in gated community."

Sorry Papi, but we are going to be enjoying Casa Paraíso.  No mistakes what-so-ever.

The next text showed Papi's disdain through the four little letters, "Fuck!!!"

Now I giggled at Papi, wishing he wasn't asleep so I could remind him we wouldn't have beachfront property in a gated community, nor would we be allowed the gads of dogs we want to adopt, because some control freak with a pickle up her ass wants to make sure she gains the respect now that she didn't have in high school.

Three and a half hours of obsessing later, he wrote, "Pay Albert to watch the house??"

Seems logical.  We want to employ our DR family somehow, but the way I see it, Albert will be there full time trying to teach this gringo how to garden, anyhow.

He had three more hours of consuming worry before he wrote the last text, "We should return your laptop.  It will be stolen.  I think our 2 computers is too much as it is!  I'm selling my gold necklace here.  I will make you read the DR1 thread about safety in the DR.  I will not get a safe because that will attract people.  I wish the gun shop was open on Sundays!"

Well, that pissed me off.

Papi, sell your own damn computer.

I need to make our documentary of our travels and you're always hogging your computer with your Facebook and Sims-O-Rama-Banana-Fana-Ding-Dong-Land infatuation.

Seriously.

The people who are writing these things are just trying to put the fear into you that someone else put into them.

Misery loves company and bored people are everywhere.

These people need a migraine.  That would shut them up for a while.

Papi has the worst anxiety I've ever known in a person.  He's not a candidate to be going on these forums full of people trying to scare one another.

There's always 'that guy' who likes to instil panic in others.

He's probably sitting in his mother's basement, snickering about all the people he's terrified, because he's jealous of the fact that he hasn't taken any risks in life, other than eating the moldy sandwich that he stuffed under his bed for safe keeping, just in case his mother ever kicked off.  Lord knows he's never had a reason to make is own sandwich, never mind do his own laundry.

Besides, like I've maintained from the start, if we treat the 'community' there like our own family, why would they treat us any less than their own?

No, we're not going to hide away, we are going to engage in living WITH our neighbours.

Great.  The pain is back.  At least I had a good run of bitching for a few minutes there.

Bring on the morphine.

i surround myself with people who treat me well

i love you to the pit of my bowels

I've begun a positive relationship with my migraine.

At day 14, I may as well make peace with it, so I'm pretending that I like it.

Hey!  It's cool to walk around with my eyes half slit and bloodshot!  I look like I'm an active alcoholic again!

Now, I get to have the look whilst being sober.

I'll fool everyone as the old ladies 'tsk tsk' me for being a louse in broad daylight.

They'll especially enjoy the staggering that accompanies my swollen brain.

It's a bit akin to when I first had my brain injury.

People will just think I'm drunk and clear the sidewalk as I wobble on by.

Ooh, I'll get lots of dirty looks while I resemble someone passing out from last night's bender.

The morphine will help on that end.

Involuntary naps.

Maybe I'll just look like I'm on heroin as I'm nodding off on the bus, or in today's case, the SeaBus.

Morphine, heroin, same diff.  Both are meager attempts at blocking the suffering.

Both will be equally as difficult when it comes to withdrawal.  Oh, how I look forward to that.

For today, I'm going to pretend my anguished head is really just normal and carry on with business as usual.

It's my Thursday Lunch day with my mother, and later, on I've made plans to see my Eternal Friend.

I've canceled on every plan over the past 2 weeks, except for family on Xmas and our special dinner with my baby sister, husband and kids.

My family are used to seeing me in this state, considering they were there for me during the brain injury.

However, today, I've decided to push through the feeling of my brain trying to seep through my skull.  It's not too much different than the roots of a tree breaking through a sidewalk.

I'll just put my sunglasses on and turn my headphones up as high as my poor little spasm brain can take.

Tune in and tune out.

This change in attitude came from my massage session last night.

He made it feel like it's ok to be in this much agony.  "Sometimes, it's better to acknowledge the pain, rather than will it away."

So, today, I'm going to acknowledge it.

I'm going to cake on the makeup to hide my pale face, and slather on the eyeliner to give my eyes the illusion that they're actually open.

I'll wear soft soled shoes so that as I walk, the 'thud-thud-thud' of my steps won't echo in my head.

I know there's no point in praying to get better.  I might as well pray to win the lottery.

Praying is really quite useless, unless it's for a change in our thinking, then it becomes a change in our brain mechanism that switches to another route.

We have the ability to think stronger and more positive, if we wish to.

So, today, I'm going to think positive as I embrace my migraine.

Dear migraine,

I think you're absolutely wonderful and I cherish your presence.  I hope you stick around until my dying days so that I never have to feel like I did 2 weeks ago.  

Being pain free is really over-rated and I'm glad you've come to show me this, and show me that light and sound are the enemy.  I was living a lie before you came along.

I'm grateful for your existence in my head, and that you make me feel like my brain is 10x it's normal size.  I get to pretend that it's because I'm so smart that there's no more room left in my skull, so my noodle is pushing it's way through the bone.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

Please don't ever leave me.

Signed,

Andréa, your love slave

There.

How's that?

there is a great reason that this is unfolding before me now

by a thread.

Migraine: Day 13.

Just got back from the doc.

Looks like it's not just any Pain Med Party, but morphine merry-go-round for me for the next few weeks.

17 days until we leave to Casa Paraíso, and I get to feel better.

If I didn't have a light at the end of the tunnel, I'd say shoot me now.

This is what our home looks like right now.

 

Ok.

It looked like that on New Year's Eve.

Now that we're on January 2nd, everything you see strewn around up there is now in it's respective suitcases.

They say migraines are mostly brought on due to stress.

You think?

Does it look stressful to you?

Mania.

I have no words to express how this all feels, so my poor throbbing brain is doing it for me.

I don't even have the energy to entertain my eating disordered thinking.

Instead, I'm just having dreams that I'm obese and can't fit into my clothes, never mind get off the couch.

The 'not getting off the couch' part isn't too far from the truth.

Actually, it is the truth.

I have decided that I'm not making plans anymore.

No point.

I just cancel them now anyway.

Fuck it.

Tears rolled down my face last night when I realized I'd be spending the majority of my time left here, on the La-Z-Boy.

This is not living.

17 days until the real fun begins, and I start to wean off the morphine.

If it sounds like I have nothing to talk about, it's because I have nothing to talk about.

This game is so boring.

Don't take me to pasture just yet.

Wait until I'm in paradise, please.

i am too big a gift in this world to feel self-pity and sadness