Saturday, September 3, 2011

Ghosts ... they're pretty scary.

"C'mere, open up."

It was meant to create a laugh, and I do laugh when I'm scared.


They come back.  Every once in a while they get a heap full of advanced life support.

and hoooo ... it's a nasty visit this time round.

There are foods I won't eat because they make me gag.

bananas.  milk.  yogurt.

It also happens when I brush my teeth.

My body remembers physically what my denial won't allow me to think about.

I only have memories of the inflicted violations that I can handle.  Yet still, my ghosts make sure I know there is something I haven't seen.

Heart pounding, I finally opened up to Papi about my past.

Tears fell.

Frantically, I shared honestly about why there's some foods I can't eat and why my gag reflexes are so sensitive that when anything/anyone comes near my mouth, I salivate.  My mouth is making an effort to be a self cleaning oven.

or why i think my mouth won't open enough to even fit food in ...

Malevolence.  Malignity.  Malice.

Their need for power has slain so many of our spirits.

I just never thought I would have to look at my ghosts again.

They hover, just waiting for the right time to become translucent, then opaque. Today they're pretty solid and I'm scared.

My love resurrected the packing penises.  They make his transgender body feel more complete in it's surroundings.

Papi came at me in a moment of Tranny Terrorism.  His phallic weapon was poised to maim, and I laughed.

I gave in to fright.

My love didn't know that I had more issues to work on, because I didn't know myself, until today.

I had accepted the packing before the bomb dropped.  I thought, "If that's what someone needs to do to feel good, then they should do it.  Isn't hurting anybody."

I felt this sense of acceptance as to who my love is. 

and i didn't see papi was trans? that should be a pretty clear sign that my soon to be spouse was transgender. i'm pretty sure if they could bottle my depth of denial, it could be used as a bio-weapon ...

Since the procedure started, there hasn't been a need for my love to employ his silicone right hand man.

Until yesterday.

It may not have affected me before, because I was in denial about Papi ever going any further in the male process.

Now it's attached to a transgender male body.

everything happens for a reason ... it echoes ... we are where we're supposed to be, even in fear.

I am attracted to masculine women, because honestly, they have the best of both worlds; strong sense of dyke energy that allows me to be vulnerable enough to let down my guard.

Soft stoutness that exudes peacefulness, and it will always keep me safe.

Here I am.

The person I trust more than anyone in the world is taking away my safety net.

I trust that this is where I am supposed to be right now, in the same way I understand why mi esposo trusted me to be the one not to leave because of a changing exterior.

Papi knew I would stay, because of who is on the inside.

It's meant to heal me, in the same way that I am like a muscle; torn for strength.

I suppose it's time to deal with ghosts.

They're pretty scary.


  1. I am not really a huge believer in getting to know our demons as a way to heal. I honestly think some things are better left alone. There's a reason why our brains wont allow us to remember traumatic experiences.

    Andrea, have you ever heard of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy? It's based on the premise that bad things have happened and rather than relive them or try to change the memory into something positive, it simply teaches us to accept that shit has happened and then commit to making the most of the parts of life that we can control.

    Give yourself a hug, dear Andrea, control the controllable and leave the rest alone. :) x

  2. vee, thank you so very much for your suggestion. i will look into it. i didn't know i still needed to deal with this, but obviously, it's time.

  3. I have issues eating yogurt too, but probably not for the same reasons as you lol Not sure of what they are (may have to read back on your old entries for that); but I just can't swallow it.

  4. angela, anything like that just makes me gag and has since i was a kid :(

  5. Just remember that they may be scary - but they are actually dead and buried and can't REALLY hurt you.

    All they can do is make you fearful.
    And yeah I think Vee has a point, but then again I prefer to face my fears head on.

  6. i think i'm doing a bit of both dirty. starting small, working my way up.


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