Monday, June 10, 2013

i can do this.


So I'm a sick puppy.

I never said I wasn't.

Papi said it's not right of me to speak publicly about just how deranged I can get at times.


What kind of entertainment would you have if I didn't?

Anyway, I'm feeling a lot less self-destructive today, although I now have to deal with the Anorexia Monster who took over 3 days ago.

Still, this is a substantial start.

We spoke last night, long after his 'normal drinking' didn't lead to doom and destruction, and he told me it's also not right of me to talk about his business.

Fair enough, I apologized.  I'll do my best to keep this to my problems.

However, I'll tell you something.  Someone out there, right now, is going through the same fucking emotions as I'm going through right now.

They're dealing with the same pain.

They need to hear that they are NOT alone and can get through it too, by being honest.

I am not ashamed of my lunacy.

It is who I am.

I was born this way.

Trust me.

I put my mother and my baby sister through hell when my utter unsound mind kicked in at the age of 10.

I was given the gift of music to help me through these times, only I can't use it right now, because my recording system is so fucked up.

So, I have to do what I can to survive these emotions.

My best technique is to write to 'you', who are either here to enjoy the madness, here to see that I'm ok, or here to relate.

But hey, the crazed cleaning was pretty nice.  I've never had a house so in order.

Judge me and call me crazy if you like.  It's the truth.

I know WHO I am.

I also know I'm married to someone who shares similar mental illnesses.

Having those that are slightly different is what makes it difficult.

I will trust his 'normal drinking' for now.

All he asks, is that I trust him to only want it for hanging loose in the beautiful Caribbean and not for the annihilation of his spirit.

All I ask is that I'm shown he loves me.

I felt that his drinking meant he didn't love me enough, and was trying his best to rid me of his life.

He does love me, and there's no way for me to tell you how he proved it, because you could never understand the connection we have.

As long as I have his love, I can pretty much get through anything.

I will get through this with some trust and a lot of love.

Many people have sent me their angels.

Thank you.

They have been received.

I am out of the Pit of Doom today.

Just because I am loved by mi esposo, I am not crying today.

Just because I am loved by so many friends, I have some peace today.

Just because I begged the angels to get me through this, I am trusting my love.

He had his 'normal drinking' last night and he didn't die.

I will do my best to trust that he can do this.

I know he loves me.

That's all I need to get through this.

For now.

i release any desperation and allow love to find me


  1. I never said you shouldn't talk about your craziness, just maybe not when you are really in a Horrific space that was a pretty serious thing on FB.

    I am the last person to not talk about stuff on FB or your blog, I tell everything so it would take a lot for me to say that. I think what i was trying to say is maybe share after the situation not when you were in a pretty sick place.

    You know what my occupation for 5 years was and I know a serious situation when i see it.

    Anyways I am thrilled you are out of the pit of doom and believe I love you!

    <3 Papi

    1. :) one crazy to another i love you too.

      but i was sharing after. after the tears and mania ;)

  2. I am so happy to hear you are on the up swing. I feel your pain - my mum is bipolar and my family lived with it undiagnosed for many years. She had highs and lows - we used to refer to them as the flying walendas! I will continue to send you my best thoughts and wishes for you both! Keep up the good, hard work! Xo

    1. you are amazing. thank you for understanding and not running from me and my lunacy.

      i do work hard at being well. i did pretty good this time. was only in the pit of doom for 2 days. not bad.

      getting better and better at being me.



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