Saturday, June 8, 2013

you will never win to addiction

I feel like death.

I couldn't eat yesterday.

All I could do was drink ginger tea, lime water, coconut water.

I just wanted to settle my stomach, but it still didn't happen.

He asked me, "Why are you so angry?"

Because I know that when someone tries to win over addiction, they will always lose.

Papi made his choice.

He 'should be able to have a beer every few days' without the consequence of me going into full on P.T.S.D.

He has quite blatantly chosen alcohol over me.

It's not like It hasn't happened before.  We always lose to addiction.

I had to watch someone fade away from heroin, and when I gave the ultimatum: the drugs or me, guess who lost?

We can never win.

I'm angry because I've lost.

I've lost the sober person I married 3 years ago.

I now have more pain to look forward to.

"Can't we just see how it goes instead of jumping to the worst case scenario?"

I've already seen worst case scenario.  I already know what comes next.

He says he won't get drunk in the pool and pass out, or go home with strangers, not knowing where he is or who he is with, again.

Well, the truth is, when you're a drunk, you can't make those decisions.

So, I lose.

Again.

I see this very much like a repeat of the past.

We repeat the same mistakes, until we get it right, don't we?

Perhaps the first time he drank and he wound up sobbing in the gutter in the DTES and I left to keep myself safe from the pain?  Perhaps that was supposed to be my only heartache with his addiction.

He said he would never do it again.  That he was done with the drinking.  That I could trust him.

But instead of learning from my past I've relived more pain.

I'll stick around for even more I'm sure.

I got so angry for my never ending tears to accompany my loss, while I was doing dishes, I had cleaned a knife and I dug it across my forearm about 8 times just to punish myself even more.

Yes.

It's the first time since I was in my 20's that I cut myself.

Not much.

Just enough to stop the tears.

They stopped.

Then I went a bit manic; house is cleaned, seeds are planted, bathroom is cleaned, laundry is done, microwave combined with wall and counter are scrubbed clean with Borax and PineSol, as is the stove and toaster oven.

There's more that I did.

I can't remember everything, because I was in a haze of trying to keep myself busy so I didn't cry anymore.

I did it right up until 10:30.  Then my body finally told me I had to lie down.

And what happened?

I started to cry.

"Why are you so angry?"

Because my love, you don't realize it, but you're leaving me.  I'm sure you'll have lots of fun drinking with the other neighbourhood drunk, Mr. Gummy.

So, I have a choice.  Stay here and live with emotional pain of losing someone to their addiction, or go back to Vancouver and live with physical pain of the cold weather.

Either way, I've already lost.

I suppose I'll choose the emotional.

It's easier, I've had it all my life.

i have a wonderful partner and we are both happy and at peace.

10 comments:

  1. "Why are you so angry"? What about the fact that he broke his promise to you, broke your trust. You gave him a chance and he has not followed through. Would it help if you reminded him what happened last time - that you left?

    What will he do if you are willing to leave again if he doesn't stop?

    I don't know; personally, I think an addict/alcoholic using again is a dealbreaker (for me, anyhow). It never ends well.

    And after all, I imagine the gutters of DR are much worse than the gutters of the DTE.

    I wish you strength. And I hope you are able to find enough to keep yourself safe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i'm not feeling very safe. but i'll find ways deal. like knock myself out with the pills he's addicted to.

      Delete
  2. Sometimes you can never win with mental illness as well...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm really worried about the both of you. This cannot go on much longer - I would rather have you both back here, getting support than what is happening down there. I know you moved your life away from here to a better one there, but how much more banging your head against the wall will you be able to endure? I'm scared for you and feel helpless here. Damn it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i'm not sure how much i can endure. i guess now we'll find out.

      i'm scared for me, but there's not much i can do from here either.

      except watch my love go down in flames.

      and me? i'm already in the pit. would love a hand up and out.

      Delete
  4. I think you need to get out. Go home. Both of you even. But you need to get out. You need support around you, real, physical support. And you don't have it there. And if E wants to get sober, it's gonna' be a hell of a lot easier where there's support. You are not failing if you leave ya know. Even if it's just for a while. But this, this is no good. And like all of the people here who love you, I am scared for you. And feel helpless from so far away.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oc, there's some support here, but he doesn't want it b/c he's adamant he can drink normal now.

      we talked last night. a lot. not yell. talk.

      i understand where my sickness lies and i'm just going to have to trust for now. i can't come home oc. it's not a life living on pain meds whacked outta my mind every day because the weather hurts too much.

      :(

      Delete
  5. The proverbial rock and hard spot. Glad y'all are talking and not yelling. That is a step. Good luck love. And we'll talk soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hopefully very soon. so far, no tears today.

      it really is a good step.

      i love you

      a xo

      Delete

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