Monday, November 14, 2011

If you ignore it, it will go away ...

Well, you know how you wake up and the first thing that you need to do is have that morning pee?  It's kinda like we go on autopilot and walk like zombies with a penchant for brains.  We take each bleary eyed step to the throne, and while we're sitting there contemplating what business needs to be done, ...

... or like me, you wonder who will be the one to clean the bathroom floor ...

... and our ritual is over before we know it, coupled with our eyes being a little more open.

Well, I didn't get my morning 'hello' to the all powerful can on time today.  Here's everything I did before my piddling:
  • Brought The Golden up for his morning pee
  • Explained to the 96 year old why my face looks like this
... because i just woke up you crazy old coot! i get to say the same thing every morning when she asks me, "what's wrong?!?!??!?" in that panicked old lady voice, while she's secretly hoping the answer is something horrible so she can either say, "that's the bunk," or, "there's always something to take the joy out of living," followed by asking about the most recent disaster every 5 minutes ...
  • Called to make an appointment with the Dr. for the G'ma
  • Asked the zealots at the door, "Are you here to talk about your god? Because I don't believe," followed by a slam in their face when they confirmed my suspicions
  • Explained again to the old fart why she's not allowed to put her own pills in her pill box and took them away from her
... this one has been a great repeating record this week ...
  • Gathered the old bird's laundry so I may do her bidding
  • Brought in The Golden who's bladder was more relieved than mine
  • Fed the clan
 ... minus the sleeping patient papi ...
  • Yelled back up the stairs to the task master that I don't care if the wild bird seed has run out, then muttered under my breath "Fuck off!" in the loudest whisper I could
  • Called HandyDart to cancel the old poop's ride to the senior center, where all the blue, white and grey haired ladies talk to each other about different stories simultaneously, because nobody can hear each other talking.
I desperately jumped onto the latrine, so I may start my morning routine.  It was at that moment that I realized what my 'rough around the edges friends' told me yesterday.

I went out for a beautiful breakfast hang out with a couple of lovely friends, not to mention awesome greasy food that I'll be paying for for a few days.  They were checking in to see how I was doing around Papi's male transformation.

Throughout our conversation, there was a common theme that was abounding: I don't take care of my needs around this.

I'm busy making sure everyone else around me is ok, but I haven't really looked at myself lately.  It hit me while the tinkling was sprinkling that they may be right.

I have been pretending that I'm just doing fine around Papi's transformation.

But honestly, I'm not.

There are some key issues that need to be taken care of around the transformation, and Papi and I got to talking about it while tears were rolling down my face.  Not to mention, snot was adamant that it would roll out at the very moment I tried to speak.

classy! didn't i mention how classy i am?

I've been trying to pretend that I've just slipped into Rah-Rah-Tranny mode and everything is fine.

The other half of the equation is that the sun is pulling it's light and warmth away from our planet.  It's during this time of the year that I am subject to what a lot of people deal with: Seasonal Affective Disorder.

It's a little more difficult since the accident, because of the added pain from the cold and the rain, but I now grasp what these two Trust List friends were trying to get me to understand.

I need support.

Papi and I are going to find someone to be a mediator to help clean this up.  We need to have everything worked out before we get to the Dominican Republic.

It will be no good if I don't have a support group and am isolated with my shit.  Mind you, I'm sure the goats will be good listeners.

However, now that I see it, I can't ignore it.

S.A.D., unresolved transformation issues, the neglect of myself.

Yeah, I took a little breather from reality for a few months there.

... denial ...

Now I'm at a door I can't slam shut.

This monster just strolls right in without my permission.

Fuck I hate it, but it's here.

Guess I can't ignore it anymore.


  1. bio 'n jamie, hugs have been received and reciprocated xoxoxo

  2. big hug--ill cook u dinner anytime u need some tlc.---p.s. forget i do a wicked goat bray

  3. paws, the goat bray in conjunction with the TLC sounds lovely :)

  4. Much love and hugs. Do take time for Andrea. She has needs too.

  5. psycho, i do need to do this. i need to ... and will. at least i have my time on my blog. nothing is more important than talking about everything xo

  6. Goats are good listeners, just ask any Capricorn. :) You have my email, use it whenever you feel like offloading. :) xx

  7. ah! you're a goat!? nice. if that's true then goats truly are GOOD listeners xo

  8. Haha
    Vee TOTALLY stole my comment.

    But yeah, we're here, you know that.

  9. dirty, i know :) goats and all :)

  10. A. darlin,

    I am here if you need to talk.

    I know the axe, musket, pitchfork, torch and noose weilding throngs would try to silence you by saying, "Put up and shut up. This is E.'s transition and is about him...not you."...but, you have just as important a transition ahead of you as E. does. And well...this ol' behr makes a great sounding board. :)

    Feel free to hit me up okay?

  11. thank you so much T.D., i really appreciate that you understand there are 2 people in this relationship

    i also thank you for the offer of a sounding board. it will be employed at some time xo


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