Thursday, March 15, 2012

My Day of Doom.

Well, it looks like they're going to take my driver's license away again, but for good this time.

I think that when I really know something is final, I get quickly into acceptance.

Either that or I'm just so wiped from the jaw surgery that I don't give a fuck right now.

Upon my visit with my doc yesterday, we were filling out more forms ...

... if you want to really know what hell on earth is, get hit on your motorcycle, then live to fill out a gagillion forms for the rest of your fucking life ...

... and the question came up about driving.

By all three of us talking it out, my doctor decided she was wrong in granting me permission for a driver's license.

My argument was that there are many people with a disability out there who drive, and that I feel I drive fine.  However, I was reminded about all the other people out there that keep trying to kill me.

... what?!?!? you mean it's not all about me?!?! ...

The point of the discussion was, that Papi doesn't feel safe when I'm driving and personally, I'm fucking terrified every time I get into a vehicle anyway.

My P.T.S.D. has calmed to the point where I don't have panic attacks that have me turning blue in the face, but I still feel the edge, and with my brain injury, when I get stressed, I don't think clearly.

When I drive I'm stressed.

If someone were to come around to try to kill me again, ...

... keep on trying bitches ... apparently i'm immortal ...

... both my doc and Papi said that I'm not reacting fast enough to get away from the crazies out there who have been adamant about removing me from earth.

I'm not safe to protect myself, therefore, I'm not safe to be behind the wheel.

I was pretty upset, understandably, because my love has never really pushed the fact that he's afraid when I'm behind the wheel.

I was also very embarrassed and felt a little humiliated, because I've tried so hard to get my life back to where it was before the motorcycle accident.

It felt like failure.  Failure to drive.  Failure to work.  Failure from healing 100% from this accident.

Upon thinking it over for the past day, what I realized is, that by not driving, I may have less stress.

This is good for anyone really, but for me, less stress will definitely make my life better.

Although, what is hard about where I dwell in this city, is that I'm in an area with the privileged, so the buses really suck.

Not to mention, when this bitch of a back is in a flare up, it will take me half an hour to walk, or rather, wobble, to the bus stop.

I guess I'll have to get reinstated for the short bus I was a driver for, then became a passenger on, then tried to get back as a driver twice, but failed, and now I'll be back to a passenger.

Make sense?  Probably not.

It will be a new journey for me.  I have the feeling I'll be talking to 'you', my imaginary friend, from coffee shops all around the city.

I'm trying very hard not to let my independence being stolen from me affect me in a negative way.

I'm still learning as I go as to what 'letting go' really means.

One thing I can say is, there's always a reason for everything.

Perhaps, I'm not immortal and my big ending is looming around the corner, waiting to knock my invincibility down.

Perhaps, I'm not supposed to be hit and taken from my music yet.

Perhaps, if I just let it go, it won't be as bad as I fear.

sometimes, not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck


  1. Hey less stress is always a good thing. It sucks to lose independence, but it is not worth risking your life and your stress level.

    1. yeah ... i'm going to do my best to go with the flow xoxo

  2. Andrea i see a very strong woman in you, and you have come thru some much thus far, I have no doubt, you will come thru this with your independence intacted, and teach us more

    I love reading your blog, it is very insightful

    thank you for sharing with us all

    Donna C

    1. thank you so much donna ... i appreciate your accolades xoxo

  3. I am all for less stress, less driving, less pain and more creativity. Both R and I think you are such a strong and compassionate person for your ability to be honest with yourself about the suckiness of it all and still see the upside.

    You would have appreciated our day of errands last week..Two women with back (me) a victim of two car accidents..with lingering PTSD..and wont drive..the other(R) with pain that intensifies with every dumbass that tries to kill us...causing varying stages of roadrage and calm....we decided to count the dumbasses....13...two classified assholes all within 6 hours of driving around the city. Reason number 267 to move out of the city.

    1. it has taken me a lonnnng time to see positive in the suckiness of life. it's an every day job to get here. i'm getting better at it.

      when we move to the DR i'll ride a donkey :)

  4. Well Andrea - look at this way. You are an independent thinker and that is the best way to be. Nobody can take that away! ;) And the truth is - we are all dependent on something - no matter how the cards were dealt. You are a strong woman and it serves you well. xoxoxo

    1. twister, i'm so happy to see your sweet words here again. i miss you.

      but i don't need a car to say hi :) i have your love here xoxo

  5. I know it may kinda sound tacky and trite Andrea, but perhaps it's true that there are no coincidences because every thing happens for a reason.
    The acceptable reason for may escape us for the moment, but in time, I reckon, the good outweighs the downsides.

    Plus it's just driving. Had I been filthy rich, I would always have a Butler and a chauffeur. That way, someone else is stressed about the traffic and road rage instead of me. Keep your head up pretty one!

    1. i now have a chauffeur.

      his name is papi.


      the only thing upsetting is how i won't be able to just jump in my car on a whim. it will take me 1.5 hours to take a bus to see my friends ... that's what hurts. but it will all work out because it always does xoxo

  6. I am sorry this had to happen hunny. I know how annoying it is having to bus everywhere after having lost (or in my case voluntarily surrendered) your license but I promise you it can be done and if anyone on this earth can make a bad situation work it is the fabulous you

    1. it just means i have to proiritize a little differently.

      it'll just mean a little less time for home really ... i'll be out more. maybe that's a good thing?


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