Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Me? Crazy? Never.

I've never been so dissected in my life.  I have to go to evaluations for my legal trial.  They range from physical to vocational to psychological.

The psychological one is the most fun.  Oh yeah, the good times.

I get to read varying reports on just how mentally ill I am now.

I can get the anxiety one.  100%.  P.T.S.D.?  Who wouldn't?!?!  And depression from chemical imbalance?  Check!

However, the newest report is that I'm borderline personality disorder.

Nice.  Papi liked this one.  It made him giggle with anticipation of telling everyone his wife is full fledged nuts.

In all honesty, it's a lot more entertaining than the one that says I'm bipolar.

Listen here fuckwads, I'm just a human fucking being who reacts to what life has to offer.  I express myself honestly, but somehow, that makes me berserk?

As far as I've seen, the more you keep in all the shit that you're experiencing, feeling, thinking, the more deranged you grow.

We're all fucking nuts in one way or another, and once we start talking about it, we find that we're not so alone, and the 'nuts' part loses it's power.

I like how the cleanest of cleanest tidy people are praised, when possibly they could have O.C.D.

I see people who cry at the drop of a hat.  They're demented too?  Nope.  They just have big emotions.  I'd rather have that than not be able to cry because I've shut down.

These professionals can go on and on about how I'm defective, but reality is, if I'm talking about it, and I'm recognizing and working on my faults, then I'm not so fucking maniacal, am I?

If I get the crap out of my head, through this here tippity-tappity of my laptop blog entry, I feel better.  If I talk to someone about my problems, I feel better.

Most people don't do these things, because they don't want to be labeled as bonkers.  No, they hold it in until they pop, and perhaps go pick up a few guns and shoot a theatre full of people.

Hell.  I know I'm a nutbar, but I am not afraid to say what's going on in my mind at the risk of someone labeling me a whack job.

Just because I'm a little narcissistic ...

... hehehe ... a little ...

... doesn't mean I'm borderline.  It means I've had to find my own way to find self esteem, because I didn't have it growing up.

Just because I get a 'little emotional' doesn't mean I'm bipolar.  I'm emotional because life is hard.  Hurricane Andréa doesn't blow in for no reason at all.

Futhermore, what is so wrong with being utterly happy about the good things in life?  These pros think that being ecstatic is a sickness!

I wasn't suicidal when I was younger for nothing.  There were reasons I was not interested in living through what life has to offer.  I was too young and didn't have the experience to know that everything will get better.

I still have suicidal thoughts when life gets too difficult, but I don't act on it, because I've learned how to deal with the shit life hands out.

I challenge any 'normal' person to try and tackle what I've dealt with since a young age.  I dare them to try!

No, I'm not psycho.

Life is.

If we don't express ourselves, because we're afraid of being labeled, then I believe that's a debilitating way to live.

Label me.  Call me what you want.

But I'll tell you this, I know the key to happiness, and my past secrets aren't going to cause me cancer, because not only have I let them go, I've also found I'm not alone in this fucked up world.

This is because I talk about it.

And by the way, just because you've labeled me with some new diagnosis, doesn't mean I'm going to be hopping on your fucking designer drugs that will give you points to win you your golfing trip to Ireland, and at the same time make me so lethargic that I don't speak about life anymore.

Now, excuse me while I go count my deck of cards.  I guarantee there will be 52.

i possess complete ability to articulate my thoughts and feelings to everyone, and i express myself wisely.


  1. I really dislike mental health labels. I also very much agree with your way of dealing with these issues - by talking about them, seeing a therapist, a healthy diet, a loving and support partner and the many friends who care about you. You are articulate beyond words and honest to the bone. love you muchly A!

    1. yes phaedra! all of the above!!

      and honesty. it's the only way.

      love you xo

  2. I don't think you're crazy. I just think you're expressive. You handle your stress better than I do and I should know, being the baby sister. Love you oodles!!

    1. you are the best baby sister ANYONE could ever hope for.

      i love you so much xoxo

  3. It's totally cool to play 52 pick up sometimes too. And to play the Joker when needed.

    1. always the wild card! that HAS to be thrown in so that we have some fun hehe xoxo

  4. Just b/c you are labelled with certain mental illness type things doesn't mean you are crazy baby. They are diseases....
    I;m just gonna get ready for your borderline personality disorder to show up ;-> hehehee love you babe!

    1. seems to me, if it's what my issue is, then wouldn't it be quite apparent already?

      at least i never killed animals. they can't call me a psychopath. i've got that going for me :)

      love you too papi xoxo

  5. Oh who gives a hell what they say? I'm still waiting on the men in the little white coats! ;) Come visit me at my funny farm anytime!!!

    1. i actually don't care. they can't get their stories straight.

      maybe they need to make a new mental illness that is ALLLLLLLL mine!

      i'll come to your funny farm. at least i'll be smiling xoxo

  6. borderline feistiness disorder ... definitely ;)

  7. The whole icbc assessment process is fuckin nuts. If they can blame your current problems on anything but the MVA - they will. You could be a neurosurgeon pre accident, get your noggin scrambled they'll say it' s the weather causing you to be blue. All those shrinks who work for them are major fuckups too. Greedy burnt out

    1. oh, but the most recent one was ON MY SIDE lmao!!!

      they're just doing their job, but damn ... why can't they just get that i don't fit into a box?

      they could send me for another evaluation and someone else would have a new diagnosis.

      not to mention, if i wasn't honest, they'd say i was 'normal'.

      or not.

      maybe there's another box to fit in for dishonesty.

      whatever. i don't care. i am what i am and i'm doing pretty damn good in this world xoxo

  8. Ass hats! Yeah I hates em! Actually anyone I've ever met who has studied psychology and/or psychiatry etc turned out to be crazy as a shithouse rat. Just as ducked up like most people.

    Icbc rates a person's value as a human being on gender, education/occupation, age and race.

    Settlements are like playing craps. Everyone places their bets. You roll the dice and hope somebody wins something. But when it comes to sharing the winnings - it's never a fair split.

  9. Hey I wasn't done! Ha. None of them are on your side - unless your side is worth a few million! Ha. Pay it no mind. Half the time- they only half listen to you. Too many voices in their own heads.

    When the whole thing is settled - who cares what quack said what to whom

  10. Hey there is no box for dishonesty. Can't build one big enough to fit all the lawyers in.

    And u r awesome. E knows u are. Yer friends know it too. Yup rest of the world can just suck it.

    1. well, they could never give me enough money to make up for the hell i've been through.

      i don't get too upset about it. i already got my consolation prize: still being alive.

  11. Ok, I will chime in here for some support because I too have what I call a "buffet of mental illness'".
    I have been diagnosed with OCD, BiPolar II and Borderline Personality Disorder.
    If you take the time to read up on the root cause of Borderline, you'll find that it's not YOU that's crazy. It's all connected to upbringing etc.
    I have embraced my diagnosis not because I "wanted" to but because I have to. It gives me something to go on for those times where I feel "am I crazy? am I going to off myself today? Is this just me?" ... It gives me a lifeline that says "hey, you have an illness. This is going to pass and hey...it's NOT your fault".

    I know you already know this stuff. I wanted to chime in because I've been there, I am here, I always will be because I have these illness' but that doesn't make who I am just as it doesn't make who YOU are. I'm spewing garbage that I'm sure you already know...sorry.

    I tend to bond with folks who have the same diagnosis just because I took it pretty hard ... thinking I was CRAZY etc. You're not. We just see the world in a different way and you know what? I personally find it a better way sometimes hehe.

    I found this video shortly after my diagnosis and although it's a cute cartoon ... it's pretty suiting :)


    Do I think it's right that they're putting you through all of this because of ICBC? Absolutely not.

    1. thank you for the utube link! i'll check it out.

      it's really important for others to talk about it, so that all of us who feel like we've been isolated in our 'thinking' get to feel that we're not alone. so thank you.

      that's part of the reason i do my blog. to say the stuff that others won't, so that nobody feels alone.

      i'll check it out! thanx!


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